Yonder Conchita Homerita Alonso

True story, I told Cougs that I had the hots for Maria Conchita Alonso, and she was like, “You know the woman who walks her Yorkie off leash in the neighborhood that Ted always tries to hump?”  I answered in the affirmative.  I hate people who have their dogs off leash.  It’s like people who bring their dog into the supermarket.  I love dogs, but I don’t need Arfer Woofruff licking my bottle of Kombucha.  Any hoo!  As you likely figured, the woman with her Yorkie off leash is Maria Conchita Alonso, and she’s no longer hot because she can’t follow the rules!  So, guys and five girl readers, Yonder Alonso has nine homers.  Quite the change from a guy who used to be Hither Alonso.  Okay, Imma let Fangraphs Database finish about launch angle and exit velocity, but Yonder Alonso is the greatest 1st baseman waiver wire pick up right now.  Yonder Alonso had two homers on Saturday and added his ninth on Sunday, and I’d grab him everywhere.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Ryon Healy – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .257.  This was his 3rd straight game with a home run.  Finally, I can get excited about what Healy’s doing, and not get worried people are going to think I’m just excited I have wheels in the soles of my soles.

James McCann – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .149.  When did The Ghost of Dave Kingman’s Past inhabit McCann?

Francisco Rodriguez – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, and his 4th blown save, ERA at 8.49.  I would be pressing the gas to own Justin Wilson for vulture saves, but Tigers likely want to build K-Rod’s value for a trade.  Though, that might be like putting a building on a pit of quicksand.  Either way, I’d own Wilson.

Brian Dozier – Missed the weekend after rolling his ankle.  Not even Snoop Dogg would smoke that crap!

Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 1.72, and next stop 2.50.  I told you to sell him on Friday, because I can sniff out these things so well they call me The Proboscisticator.  Ooh, Children’s Storybook Idea!  The Proboscisticator is a dog detective who sniffs out clues and poops out questions to be asked in the interrogation room.  “Give The Proboscisticator some human food and get him in here, we need more questions to ask!”  *cut to The Proboscisticator finishing up a poop sentence*  “Is that an exclamation mark or question mark?  Damn it, I told you not to give him peanut butter, it smears his poop!”  Hmm, this idea might need work.

Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (3), hitting .325.  Fun fact!  Benintendi is Italian for Prospector Ralph has an erection.

Mookie Betts – 3-for-6, 2 runs, hit his 3rd homer, hitting .279.  So, Betts doesn’t need to hang ’em up because Big Papi retired?  Geez, we might need to put a month of games into context now.  Shucks, that narrative is not as easy to understand.

Sandy Leon – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs with two homers (3, 4), and has three homers in the last two games.  Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…

Zach Britton – Hit the DL with a forearm strain.  The good news is Friday’s MRI found no structural damage.  The bad news is everything else.  As long as Elon Musk is counting grains of sand on Mars and we’re all breathing earth air, a pitcher with a forearm strain is trouble.  Not only would I own Brad Brach, but I’d say there’s now a 50% chance Brach has more saves than Britton this year.

Dylan Bundy – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.17.  Oh. Em. Gee.  Grey is so stupid to say to sell Bundy.  He’s like the stupidest person ever.  He’s so stupid he needed to Google how to spell stupid.  Ya, a’ight.  We’ll see how Bundy looks against a major league offense next time out.

Chris Tillman – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks as he was activated from the DL.  This start wasn’t necessarily indicative of anything since vs. the White Sox, i.e., the Sox with holes in their swings.  I do like Tillman, in general.  He feels like a guy that has one more level to reach beyond the backend fantasy starter level that he’s been sitting at for a while.  Am I going crazy for him in 12-team mixed leagues and shallower?  Unlikely, but there’s something here for deeper leagues.  (Now here come the questions about him for shallower leagues.)

Joey Rickard – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting around .300 in the last week and hit leadoff yesterday.  That’s the first time in about 18 months Showalter has the right person hitting leadoff.  I would not count on it continuing.

Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.46.  How long until a playoff contender overpays for Quintana?  Late-June?  Hopefully it’s not your team, because Quintana does not look right at all.  His command is a mess and his velocity is down, and his peripherals are not saying he’s been especially unlikely.  Jo-Qui?  No, I would not be Jo-Qui about this.

Amed Rosario – With Asdrubal’s thumb injury, some Mets’ beat writers were talking about how Rosario is ready to be called up.  One quick note, this comes two weeks after Lenny Dykstra was saying the same thing.  Nails it!  Dot dot dot.  Maybe.  Due to Super Two or some stupid MLB rule, the Mets may wait closer to end of May for Rosario.  His time looks like it’s falling on the plaintiff’s side of sooner vs. later.

Matt Harvey – Was suspended for three days for violating a team rule.  GM Sandy Alderson didn’t elaborate, but sources say it was either because of a sex toy incident or Harvey trying to f*ck David Wright’s wife.  Because this is the Mets, I didn’t make up either of those things.

Tommy Milone – Mets claimed him off waivers.  Finally, a Mets pitcher you want to get hurt!

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homers.  Someone on Saturday commented to DanPants that Giancarlo is just never going to be ‘that guy.’  That’s a solid point, Giancarlo is only on pace for 50 HRs.  He’s only hit a home run around every fourteen at-bats in his career.  You know, 7th in the history of the major leagues.  What a bum!  You come at Giancarlo and you get The Stache.

Jose Urena – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.69.  Ah, the fun of NL-Only leagues.  I couldn’t care less or could care more or couldn’t care more or less or whatever that cliche is about Urena.  Just don’t care.  But in NL-Only leagues, I’m highly intrigued like someone in a British period drama.  He throws hard — 95 MPH, has decent command and he’s only 25 years old.  He may just not have broken out yet, says Awkwardly Written Passive Voice Man.

Martin Prado – Sounds headed back to the DL.  Get your Derek Dietrich shares now or Die trichin’.

Jake Odorizzi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.88.  Here was me on Saturday after Odorizzi’s start, “Nice stream, Grey!” Then I caught my reflection in a mirror, and realized I was still dressed in a giant lobster costume from Halloween.  Time flies!  Also, after that stream, I was ready to drop Odorizzi, but I saw his next start is at home vs. the Royals, whose offense should be abdicated, and I held Odorizzi.

Alex Cobb – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.56.  Stream-o-Nator pretty much nailed this stream, but it rightfully hates Cobb’s next start in Fenway, and I would move on in most shallower mixed leagues until the matchup is right again.

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks–Oh, who cares, he was facing the Royals.  Stream everyone vs. the Royals.

Mike Clevinger – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 4 BBs, 5 Ks, and 1 more example why I’d start everyone vs. the Royals.

Michael Brantley – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle injury.  I’m only surprised it took this long for the wheels to come off, and I’m also surprised the wheels have not fallen off and rolled down the road and ran over Ryan Zimmerman.

Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.19.  Every time the Regression Fairies come near Vargas he begins to talk about World of Warcraft, and they run the other way.  It’s been a good strategy for him so far, but I’m guessing they’ll catch up to him at some point.

Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.50.  Funny (not funny) how a pitcher finds his level and stops regressing like Benjamin Button.

Julio Teheran – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.69.  I’m going to start calling Teheran, the Sultan of Bruised ERA.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .349.  If I could go back to March, I’d draft Freeman in the 2nd round of every draft.  I’d also crash my car into the ‘Cash Me Outside’ girl before that ever became a thing.

Magneuris Sierra – 1-for-6, 1 run as he was called up by the Cards to fill-in for Fowler.  Sierra has speed and is a great defensive center fielder, so if ‘Web Gems’ is a category in your league have at it.

Tommy Pham – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs with a double slam (2, 3) and legs (1), and all three homers came this weekend after he was called up to replace Piscotty.  There could be some short-term, “Wham-bam thank you, Pham™.”  Trademark DanPants.  By the way, we should have a glossary term for a guy who has a huge Sunday driving his weekly FAAB price way up.  Please suggest in the comments.

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.19.  The Cards can barely tie their shoelaces with the kid gloves they’re wearing while Wacha’s on the mound.  He threw 83 pitches on Sunday and has topped 100 pitches once with 101 pitches on 4/25.  Point?  None really, Cust kayin’.

Brett Anderson – 1/3 IP, 5 ER as he heads to the DL.  Brett Anderson looked about as good as Louie Anderson’s colon.  By the way, somehow, John Candy aged better than Louie Anderson.  Mike Montgomery is a candidate for Anderson’s rotation spot, and a candidate for all mixed league teams.

Javier Baez – 2-for-8, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (2), hitting .271.  Singlehandedly, fought the Cubs back from the brink–Yadda, yadda, snooze, we’re talking fantasy!  Baez in the nine hole?  Is Maddon serious?  Seriously, is he?  Schwarber is leadoff?  Zobrist is the cleanup hitter?  Is Maddon trying to make this harder?

Luis Severino – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.40 vs. Jon Lester – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.27.  Both pitchers had the exact same lines, which is like when Doc Gooden met Dock Ellis.  By the way, I think naming a pitcher Doc might mean something else.

Jordan Montgomery – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.81.  Right now, he’s walking between the raindrops and not getting wet, but at some point it’s gonna be a monsoon on his face.

Vince Velasquez – 7 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.94.  A real joy to own this guy so far.  Perhaps you’d like to use my Reggie Jackson rookie card as a coaster too?  Or how about you light a cigar using one of my rare Chinese take-out menus that I collect?  I’m convinced that as soon as I drop Velasquez he will throw a great game, but I will no longer stop others from dropping him.

Aaron Altherr – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, though somehow not starting every day, otherwise he’d have schmotato written all over his hot.

A.J. Cole – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You can’t argue with his first start replacing Joe Ross.  Well, you could argue with it, but then you’d be a crazy person yelling at a box score.  Cole averages around 91 MPH on his fastball, prolly a 7+ K/9 guy with iffy command at times who is matchups-only for mixed leagues.

Jayson Werth – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (4, 5).  The least consequential two-homer game ever?  Yunel might have something to say about that.

Matt Albers – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 0.77, but blew yesterday’s game in the 8th inning, and Enny Romero (1 IP, 0 ER) could be in the lead now for the Nats’ closer job, but Koda Glover is likely the guy once he’s back from the DL.  The one guy you don’t want juggling a bullpen, and there’s Dusty tossing three meat cleavers in the air.

Tanner Roark – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.46.  His peripherals are remarkably similar year-to-year right now — 7.34 K/9 vs. 7.37; 4.17 xFIP vs. 4.03; 3.02 BB/9 vs. 3.13; 92.1 MPH fastball velocity vs. 92.2 MPH, though with the new way they’re measuring velocity this year, that could be a red flag.  Or a sunburnt flag for Tanner.

Mark Reynolds – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, and 3rd in as many games.  This could change, but as of right now, I’m holding Reynolds on all of my teams (where I have him) for just his home starts.

Lance McCullers – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.40.  Who’s this guy again?  Oh, it’s my favorite starter of all time, that’s right.  Funny, I didn’t recognize his name due to all the drool I have on my 2002 Compaq computer screen.   By the by, the graphics on my Friendster page are dope!

Evan Gattis – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer.  It hasn’t happened yet, but, after one of these homers, he’s going to get smoking hot.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Elias Sports Bureau said Altuve is the first guy to homer that can’t get on the Mad Hatter’s Tea Cups.

Cam Bedrosian – Playing catch at 120 feet.  That doesn’t mean he’s playing Hacky Sack with 60 people.

JC Ramirez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.74.  I told you to buy him in my Buy column (crazy how that works).  Even if the Stream-o-Nator is warm on the luke with his next start, I’d still go with him.

Yunel Escobar – 2-for-4 and two homers (3, 4).  Eat a D, Jayson Werth’s blurb!

Chase De Jong – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Wow, where did that come from?  *Googles his name*  Looks like he’s 12-month interest free!  *intern whispers in my ear*  Seems that I clicked on a Google ad for a Chase debit card.  That is my b.  *looks at De Jong’s player page*  And I’m still interest free!

Kyle Seager – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer.  Hopefully this is the kickstart his early season power slump needs, because he’s looked hideous so far.

Andrew Cashner – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.30.  Hehe.  In fairness, the Regression Fairies will visit Cashner soon.

Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.14.  Hey, that’s my Pi!  Check out Cole looking like an ace, about FIPpin’ time!

Jameson Taillon – Hit the DL with groin discomfort.  I think this is unrelated to how in his last game the announcers said, “Taillon has to do better keeping his balls down.”

Tyler Glasnow – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.33.  A) I’m glad I only own him in one league.  B) He either has 1A)  Dyslexic steak sauce. 1B) A mechanics issues. 1C) There’s no 1C. 1D) An arm issue.  He just hasn’t looked right all year.

Ryan Braun – Hopes to return on Tuesday.  Someone should catch Braun up on the new 10-day DL.  Day-to-day is so last year.

Eric Thames – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .324.  Oh, this guy’s still playing?  I thought he retired after his April and was living in a tiki hut in the Caribbean with Chris Shelton.  In the prospect podcast on Saturday, Halph were discussing a trade of Thames for the Honorable Aaron Judge.  They couldn’t decide if they wanted Thames or Judge.  I know what side I want.

Travis Shaw – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer.  Don’t you want to call him Travish Aw?  Just me?  Okay.  For what it’s Werth, Travish is hitting .300 in the last week with two homers.

Amir Garrett – Was sent down because the Reds have no one else who looks remotely decent in their rotation and Muslim Mrs. Garrett was making the rest of the starters look worse.  Or it was a service time thing.

Scott Schebler – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, hitting .248.  Apparently, the schmotato is not done with this young Schebler yet.

Scott Feldman – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.76.  I’m sorry, but when Scott Feldman throws that sorta game against you, you (stutterer!) should have some sort of sanctions imposed against you.  Like next time out the Giants need to all be chauffeured to the stadium by Bumgarner.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.50, as he returned to Cincinnati.  Before the game, Cueto took a few teammates around the park to show them where some of his fonder memories took place.  “Here’s where I demon-kicked Jason LaRue in his head.”

Ty Blach – 3 IP, 8 ER.  Ty Blach is the star of Extreme Makeover: Gray Gardens Edition.  “You told us you needed a new bathroom for your 4-year old twins to share.  We built one, but then 20 cats lived in it for a fortnight.  Who knew that cat claws could do such damage to caulk?!”