Going outside my house in Staten Island in the 103-degree heat to put a little Luis Garcia Jr. (3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .287) jersey on my baby Jesus in my nativity set and calling inside, “How’s that Ma?” Ma screams back, “LuGaJu! LuGaJu! Now put a little Ben Rice (1-for-2, 3 runs and his 35th homer) jersey on a wise man.” So, I look in my little box of tiny jerseys for a Rice one, but I don’t see it. “Ma, we ain’t got no Rice jerseys!” She screams back through the window that is three feet away, “What are you a moron? It’s the little cardboard cutout of Uncle Ben from the box.” Oh, I see it! But, making all this possible was the return of Elmer Rodriguez (6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.70) as he was recalled. Not sure what happens when Max Fried returns, if it means bumping Elmer. “Bumping Elmers” sounds like a groupie for the WWE. In his top 75 fantasy baseball prospects, Itch said, “Elmer Rodriguez came over from Boston in the Carlos Narvaez trade over the winter and steadily pitched his way through High-A and Double-A, culminating in a five-inning Triple-A start to close out the season. In 150 innings across the three levels, he recorded a 2.58 ERA and 1.07 WHIP with 176 strikeouts. Pretty comfortable Top 100 prospect at this point on the strength of a high-90’s heater and well-rounded pitch mix he can command. Imagine him throwing one of those heaters at Grey’s head.” Excuse me? In Triple-A this year, the numbers are a little flat — 9.2 K/9, 4.3 BB/9 — comes with a 2.59 ERA but a deflated BABIP and HR allowed. I think you can do better with a Streamonator pick for this year, but monocle for keepers. Now, excuse me, I have to make a little Elmer jersey from this glue bottle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Correa – Expected to return at some point in September. They didn’t say what year.
Daulton Varsho – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. I really got roped in on Varsho’s 2025 being real, and him just needing to stay on the field to prorate out that shizz. That was not the case.
Peter Lambert – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Streamonator likes his next one, and, I have to be honest (for once), I’m not a huge fan. His park scares me a bit and he faces the White Sox who aren’t bad on the road.
Freddy Peralta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.11. Five-eleven is also what I listed my height as on dating apps. Hmm, very cool. I’d pay a billion dollars for some way to tell the difference between a pitcher turning the corner or just facing a cold lineup. Sure, I’d sign my name on the billion-dollar check as Mark Walter and it would bounce, but I’d try anyway. What I’m saying (it’s obvious, I think), I don’t know if the Rays fixed FreddyKBB or if the Tigers just sucked. Like a teamster smoking, I’m leaning on the latter.
Troy Melton – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.86. If he’s trying to be overrated for next year, he’s doing a great job.
Jonah Cox – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Starting to like Cox–[Nelson Muntz pointing and letting out a Ha-HA!]–but my concern is he’s in the LLAMAS.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Devers gets to 35+ homers this year, and I regret to inform (don’t regret that much) and he’s going to be over-drafted again next year. Here’s a way you know. Where do you think he was on the Player Rater before yesterday’s game? Above 50? Above 75? Above 85? He was at 86, and that’s how he’s constantly overrated. He was below Jac Caglianone and Brandon Marsh.
Shay Whitcomb – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Giants might have more Who Is This Guy guys than any other team. The Giants’ lineup is like Remembering A Guy but in real time.
Dylan Smith – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.77. Giants rock. What a beautiful collection of no-name scrubs. They should remake Major League with this exact team.
Logan Webb – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.72 vs. Nick Lodolo – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.24. This was a matchup billed as, “I bet you thought both guys were doing better for ERA. I’m here to tell you, you’re not alone. Why are you putting your arm around me? You’re not alone, metaphorically!”
Hector Rodriguez – 3-for-6, and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Forgot about this guy, but the Reds apparently did not because he was hitting leadoff. In a sea of bad manager moves, that’s gotta be a top ten awful move. Hector Rodriguez who entered the game hitting .182? That Hector Rodriguez? Oh…[stacks barstools to the moon]…kay. Even if you think the move was smart in retrospect with the homers, he should’ve been hitting 5th and knocking in ribsteaks!
Sal Stewart – 0-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 100th RBI. Speaking of ribsteaks, ribbies are the hardest thing to track in-season, so let me tell you: Sal Stewart is the top RBIs guy in the majors. It’s only a 120 RBIs pace. That’s great, don’t get me wrong, but the “only” there because it feels like a low total for the MLB leader. Didn’t we used have guys with 90 RBIs at the break? There were 59 guys with 100+ RBIs in 1999; this year there’s 11 guys on pace.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer. Hope he hits 11 homers the rest of the way, so there’s people who are checked-out right now doing their fantasy football thing, who will return in March and be like, “Grey, smart stuff in your melon, you don’t like Eugenio? He seems like an easy bet for power.”
Andres Chaparro – 3-for-4 and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Nats are the number one team for getting value from unexpected places. It’s time we learned their hitting coach’s name! [sees it’s Matt Borgschulte] Forget it, that’s an impossible name to remember.
Hunter Goodman – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer, and 2nd in two games. The road Rockies, the Suckies, exploded for 13 runs yesterday. It was like the movable object (Nats’ pitching) vs. the stoppable force (the Suckies’ hitting). Advantage Suckies.
Cole Carrigg – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Nice that he did something, because I was starting to get bored of him. Thank you for entertaining me.
Connor Norby – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs, and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in five games. He’s more famous with his band’s name attached to him, Connor Norby and the Range of Possibilities (a home run or a strikeout).
Troy Johnston – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .285. He’s actually a solid hitter, but four homers in 344 ABs is downright Vladian.
Dustin May – Hit by a 106 MPH line drive off the back of his shoulder, and was removed. First, he was injured eating salad, and now this. Doode’s luck has vanished. Robert Gasser (5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.59) replaced him and pitched well. I like Gasser, much better than Robert Electricaler.
Brice Turang – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Writing his name triggered a memory in me. It went like this, “The last time I wrote his name it was the end of July when I was still wearing my Cabo Verde jersey telling people I was Cabonese.” It had been a long time, but my memory never fails me.
Tommy Edman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and about as much fantasy value as Nadir Bupkis for the last month. I nearly said drop him the other day he’s been so bad for the last month, but just by thinking it, he homered. The mind is a powerful tool.
Roki Sasaki – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.60, and removed with a blister. Is it time for him to be moved to the pen? Sure seems it!
AJ Smith-Shawver – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.93. Think the stuff can be good. Do I think it’s currently good? No, not really. Wouldn’t start him in a 15-team mixed league right now, unless desperate.
Matt Olson – 1-for-3 and his 37th homer. Negative two homers to go!
Sean Murphy – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .188. Elias Sports Bureau said that was Murphy’s first home run since the year of the flood.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games, third homer this week. Albombso!
Kyle Bradish – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.03. Orioles are currently seeing if Alonso can hit in every spot of their lineup at the same time and pitch for them. Bradish is done; you can’t trust him anywhere.
Nolan Gorman – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .192. Back doing what he does best! (A home run every six games and making outs every other at-bat.)
Joshua Baez – 0-for-1, hitting .146. Didn’t start because apparently a 35+ K% isn’t good. Wow, sounds like propaganda.
Kaelen Culpepper – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .333. Yes, he’s in Bing Bong, but he’s also hitting well. Me likey!
Trevor Larnach – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. That was his first hit since August 16th. Remember when he was the Twins’ leadoff hitter. Boy, that made no sense!
Brooks Lee – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, and 3rd homer in five games. Be Water [makes sign of the yin and yang] and also with you.
Lawrence Butler – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .227. He was out of the three-hole last night, and I have to say the A’s are so depleted right now, I’m not sure how else would hit there.
Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.99. If you benched him like me (actually, I dropped him in a few leagues, because his underlying numbers are so ugly), the good news is you have nothing to regret. He barely got by with his weaksauce. Five strikeouts against two walks in six innings is not worth a sonavabench. He was easily outpitched by:
Eduardo Rodriguez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Thinking about a fantasy fantasy team where I drafted Misiorowski, Clay Holmes and EdRod and beginning to write up my congrats-you-lost-to-me messageboard letter to my leaguemates.
Jordan Lawlar – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Sadly, rounding the bases he lost his ankle, and will need 60 days on the IL to find–Whoa, whoa, hold on, that’s a future blurb. It hasn’t happened yet. Sorry about that, forget it for now.
Juan Morillo – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.24, and his 2nd save. You can draw conclusions if you like but anyone might get the next DBags save.
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.82. Okay, how about if I had Misiorowski, Clay Holmes, EdRod and Sonny Gray? Does that make me feel magic? [pinches eyes close] Oh, yeah, that’s magic. The thing is too, you could’ve traded Vlad Jr. in March for all four together and your leaguemates prolly would’ve thrown a hissy that the person getting Vlad Jr. was getting too much.
Ryan Gusto – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.98. Haven’t taken him serious all year and looking at his perfs — 7.5 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 44% HardHit? I still can’t. Me no Gusto.
Javier Sanoja – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and three steals (7, 8, 9). Can’t spell SAGNOF without Sanoja!
Sean Burke – 3 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, 8 BBs (!), 3 Ks. He might be fine in his next start, but, when you’re suddenly taking pitching lessons from Daniel Cabrera, you can’t be trusted in any league.
Tristan Peters – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. 2nd homer in two games, third homer in three games, four homers in four games and his 5th homer in the last five games! I don’t want to make any bitter enemies, but, when people say stuff like, “Grey, I like your hair, because who wouldn’t, but there’s no one interesting to pick up,” I say, you might not be paying attention.
MacKenzie Gore – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.40. Gore had himself a great August (1.57 ERA in 23 IP) up until last night. That was after a 6.82 ERA July in 31 2/3 IP. So, September will be…He opened a fortune cookie and it read, “I don’t know anything about MacKenzie Gore, I am a cookie.”
Joc Pederson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. He could pull the rare feat of hitting 30 HRs on the year, and never being above 50% rostered.
Joey Cantillo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (7 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 3.72 vs. Grayson Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.03. Cantillo allowed seven walks and Grayson allowed seven hits. Adam Sandler in The Chanukah Song voice, “Together, what a sucky-looking starter!”
Randy Vasquez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.02. If your name is Randy, you’re not a very good MLB starter. Even works if your name has a Randy in it like Brandon Young. Streamonator says Vasquez goes to Cincy next, and pass.
Endy Rodriguez – Had hip surgery, and won’t be cleared to resume baseball activities like spitting and scratching oneself until March, so he’s going to miss the early part of the lockout.
Bubba Chandler – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.26. I bet there’s a team that can unlock him into being a solid starter, but the Pirates do not seem to be that team. Can we do a Go Fund Me for Bubba to go to Driveline?
Nathan Lukes – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in three games, and third homer in a week. Was doing the Buy column for Patreon yesterday, and had noticed Lukes was a hot schmotato (then sorta ignored him, but I did see it).
Randy Dobnak – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.92. Okay, now that you’ve read that Randy Vasquez blurb and came here to get mad. This is not Randy prejudice. I don’t have Randy-blindness. I am not Sans-dy for all Randies. But, c’mon. You can’t be serious thinking about Dobnak. I don’t care what his ERA is. You pick him up and he’s going to kill you.
Bryan Woo – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.36. When that’s what you’re doing at home, you’re done. Put a thermometer in him if you want to waste your time, but he’s fried. Put him in the smoker if you like, but this guy’s already jerky. He’s drop-meat.
Jesus Luzardo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Might be misremembering things, but it feels like there’s at least one Phillies starter per week who could be the lede.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Nice bounce back season from Harper. Harper was being drafted 30 picks after Vlad Jr. on average. Now, Vlad Jr. owners can vom.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 40th homer. ESPN said, “He only needs to hit 10 homers the rest of the way to get to 50 homers.”
