Secretly, what no one could know, before yesterday’s game in Milwaukee, Christian Yelich hired a hitman. Did he want something done to a person? Heavens no! His fine eh eff mother raised that boy well! No, what Yelich wanted done he whispered into the ear of the hitman he hired off of Craigslist. Thanks to scouts Razzball hired, we know what was said, and by ‘scouts,’ I mean eavesdroppers. Yelich whispered, “Take this baseball bat that does me no good, and beat the shi*t out of the humidor until it no longer functions.” Yelich said the only way they’d know definitively that the humidor is busted is if Keston Hiura (1-for-4, 2nd homer) could hit it out. Job well done, Humidor Hitman! Yelich also benefited from his own mafia ties (3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (3). The humidor hit was especially nice for me since two benefactors were two of my sleepers, Luis Urias (1-for-4, and his 1st homer, hitting leadoff), and the big star of the game, Willy Adames (2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 7th and 8th homer, as he hits third. That sleeper of mine makes up for my Jarred Kelenic sleeper post! *dodges tomato* It doesn’t make up for it? *dodges another tomato* Okay! Geez! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tyrone Taylor – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He sounds like a black & white movie star–Actually, he sounds like a “black but white” movie star.
Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. No home run? Boo, Rowdy! *head smashed with a coconut*
Hunter Greene – 2 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 8.71. He struck out seven guys and gave up five homers. Just what I wanted, a True Two Outcome Pitcher. The Brewers figured out a workaround for the dead ball — have the pitcher throw 103 MPH. Just loving that 23.6 K/9 yesterday!! Absolute fire!! I’m going to walk out into traffic! Save your prayers, I don’t need them! I also don’t need Hunter Greene; drop him faster than a habit on Sally Field after she met Burt Reynolds (very new reference).
Tyler Stephenson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1), hitting .263. Can I bet somewhere that Stephenson will be the 2nd best catcher on your Player Rater at the end of the year? Does Bet Em Gee Em take those props? I got props I need to give!
Jared Walsh – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. *screaming and waving hands like Jonah Hill in Get Him to the Greek* It’s happening!
Brandon Marsh – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. You ever think the Angels just be messing with people with their players’ names? Wade/Ward, Walsh/Marsh, Mayers/Mayfield, Rendon/is so done. Any hoo! Brandon Marsh isn’t in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I don’t know if he’s rostered in more than 50% of leagues or not, but I still like him and he’s in this afternoon’s Buy, Sell, Hold video, which doesn’t have the same restrictions about 50% rostered players or under. See, I make up arbitrary rules, and it’s arbitrary when I use them.
Shohei Ohtani – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.08, 2-for-4, 1 run. Also, his hit was off the Monster, and it knocked his number from the scoreboard, very The Natural-like. Not Natty Light. Not that at all.
Rich Hill – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.86. He only threw 68 pitches, because one more pitch from a guy named Dick Mountain, and the universe would’ve folded in on itself.
Tanner Houck – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.14. It was a bad day to quit sniffing glue, and an even worse day to roster Houck. It’s interesting that Tanner Houck sounds a bit like Banner/Hulk, because I Hulk-smashed my mouse as I dropped him to waivers, where he landed next to my previous drop Greene.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Cake Batter backs backs backs backs that thang up.
Jose Berrios – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.34. What’s that? Did I have Berrios, Greene and Houck all going in multiple leagues? Yes, why do you ask? Because I’m wearing a potato sack in the middle of the freeway? Oh, I see.
Alejandro Kirk – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Our Saturday Ambulance Chaser writer, Keelin, said Kirk looks like Bart Harley Jarvis and I can’t see anything else now.
Steven Kwan – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. This guy is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good! What’s that, he’s on pace for five and a half homers? Ha, silly you, there’s no such things as half a homer!
Aaron Civale – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 9.45. I’m actually envious of a rostering a 9.45 ERA pitcher after my day yesterday. It was supposed to be getaway day! You bastards!
Corey Knebel – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.27. Mets scored seven runs in the 9th. Seven?! Any other year and this game would’ve ended with Mr. Met flipping off Phillies while he was pelted with batteries. This team is just different.
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, but left after being hit on the wrist. X-rays were negative, until he smashed a drinking glass and screamed OPA! Then things got positive.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .240. We’re totally gonna find out Rob Manfred snuck some juicy Bouncey Castle balls into the mix in May. I hope, at least. Just give us back the home run, Mr. Manfred! Please!
Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.38. He deserved a better outcome. Dot dot dot. Or did he? Let’s see his Karmic Retribution List! This is how we decide on Wins now! You hear me? Show me your good deeds!
Starling Marte – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I’m writing this as I try to digest that Mets comeback. First thought is I hope all WFAN callers were pulled over, so they weren’t driving while that was happening. “Mahk in Oystah Bay, ga’head…”
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. “Ay yo bing bong, we could have that Ohtani guy, ya know, he’s aight, but who we got is just betta, and uhh ughkay, I’m going through the tunnel, I’ll call back lata.”
Manny Machado – 2-for-3, and his 6th and 7th homer, and four homers in the last five games. Machado feels like the only top pick not disappointing. That can’t be right, but it feels that way.
Nick Martinez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.38. He’s the worst Padres starter, and that’s including Blake Snell. Who? Oh, that guy! But I don’t think Martinez is being removed from the rotation if Snell returns soon, and he just threw his 2nd rehab start.
Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Streamonator hates his next start and, I’ll be honest, I don’t know if there’s any way of telling when he will blow up. That’s the nature of young pitchers with a 4+ BB/9.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Can’t believe the junk shot he took the other day and he bounced right back. Some balls on this guy.
Jeremy Pena – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Jeremy’s pokin’! (The ball.)
Jose Urquidy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.56. He has some of the worst peripherals I’ve ever seen. That’s being generous.
Ryan Pressly – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.32, and the blown save, as he returns from the IL. Picked up things right where he left off! Like a Hound Dog.
Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Literal polar opposite of Urquidy and has some of the best peripherals.
Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, because I get the sense no one wants him, but he could be a hot schmotato.
Ryan Mountcastle – 2-for-4 and two homers (3, 4). Oh, they totally changed the ball! C’mon! It’s so obvious! What are we doing here? But I love it!
Jorge Mateo – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Suddenly, Camden is a launching pad again? Oh…*treks up to top of Mount St. Helens*…kay.
Cedric Mullins – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Cedric the HRtainer is back on tour!
Austin Hays – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. I have Hays, so I’m coming at this from a place where I thought I knew what was up, but I thought he had at least six homers.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .284. Should easily pass 20 homers, anyone taking the bet he will play enough games so that will happen?
Jhoan Duran – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.26. Oh, yeah, I had him going too. What a day!
Matt Brash – Will pitch out of the bullpen in Triple-A. Maybe M’s are just like my father too bold, but not too Brash. Welp, I say never trust rookie pitchers. Any hoo! George Kirby might get called up to replace him!
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Who’s Zunino’ing who?!
Robbie Ray – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Oh, yeah, I had Robbie Ray too! Things are great! Thanks for asking!Can’t believe I missed on Robbie Ray last year when he was good and now I have this Robbie Ray. Why does Robbie Ray haunt me?
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 1st homer. Being this is his farewell tour, he dedicated that home run to his brothers, Bengie and Jose, thanking them for always finishing the Takis so he could focus on baseball.
Brendan Rodgers – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .149. I remember him! Rodgers and Hampson was a duo previously famous for The Sound of Music, a story based on the Von Trapp family, which was a family of sleepers who ended up being traps you were lucky to avoid in fantasy leagues.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .325, and 2nd homer in four games. Won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I think he’s rostered in most leagues, but there’s worse bets than the three-hole hitter in Coors.
Juan Soto – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper has 7 RBIs. That’s six solo homers and the Nats gotta free Juan. Hey, you think six homers and seven ribbies is crazy? The entire Reds team has negative five RBIs.
Keibert Ruiz – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Let’s just stop on the side of this dark, country road, and roll the body out the door–Whoa! Hold on! Keibert moved! He’s alive!”
Stephen Strasburg – Will face live hitters today. Screaming to a mortician entering the field area, “Time out, my guy! We ordered live hitters!”