It seems loud and clear that the roof is closing on Adam Wainwright‘s season. If only he had a 3rd Achilles he could sub in! We should be able to have a schadenfreude party since I told everyone not to draft him this year, but there’s always a few people who still draft him against my wishes, so do we ignore these people and still schadenfreude or do we show pity? *thinks for a millisecond* We schadenfreude party! The schadenfreude party is being held in the superiority complex. Put up the pinata of someone’s ego that is smarter, prettier, funnier or richer and we beat it down! Put on some tunes and let’s do the Point and Laugh Dance! That’s not the Point and Laugh Dance, that’s the African Anteater Ritual. So, Wainwright’s done for 2015 and Carlos Villanueva, Tyler Lyons or Tim Cooney could step in at first, but this will likely be Marco Gonzales’s job for the majority of the year once he returns from the minor league DL with a shoulder issue. I like Gonzales for very deep leagues, especially NL-Only ones, so if you have room, I’d grab him. He’s around a 7+ K/9, low-2 BB/9 guy that could have a 3.75 ERA or under with a good WHIP. Now, you’ll have to excuse me, I’m headed back to the schadenfreude party, hungry for self-satisfaction, eager for some prigs in a blanket! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jason Heyward – Left yesterday’s game with a groin injury. That could be good for Wong! Not Heyward’s.
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 6 ER. Ah, the ol’ random blowup. I forget there for a bit why it wasn’t all peaches ‘n cream owning Lynn, and quickly becomes pitches ‘n creamed.
Mike Fiers – 4 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. His peripherals look good, which is super helpful when you lose your league. Maybe your leaguemates can give you an asterisk by your ERA.
Adam Lind – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .318. After dropping Lind the other day for Te(i)x and missing Lind’s homer earlier this week and then dropping Te(i)x before getting any of his, like, 20 homers he hit this week, I now own Lind again. Don’t worry, I’ll Mr. Bungle this too.
Ben Zobrist – Will miss 4 to 6 weeks with arthroscopic knee surgery after about a week of “Will he or won’t he play.” Wasn’t sure Zobrist was going to make a decision without first sitting down for an interview with Diane Sawyer.
Tyler Clippard – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save. Man, Clippard looked so good as a setup man for so many years, he’s making all those managers who say nonsense like ‘he doesn’t have the closer mentality’ seem like they know what they’re talking about. If Clippard keeps doing so little, it won’t be long until Doolittle is doing a lot more.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5, 2 runs, his 6th and 7th steals and a home run on Saturday. The best part of Altuve’s home run? The afterwards high five.
Jake Marisnick – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and double legs (5, 6), hitting .364. To put this is terms you’ll understand and why you should own him. He’s on pace for 12 homers and 35 steals. That’s borderline top 40 OF if he gets runs/RBIs. He will also be hitting in the top of the lineup very shortly. No offense, Altuve!
Max Scherzer – Can’t throw a bullpen session due to a swollen thumb. He’s unlikely to start on Tuesday. He’s just gonna rest his thumb while playing Tetris on a Game Boy.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.88. So glad I wasted a high draft pick on this guy in one league. So, so glad. So, so so glad. So, so so so– Well, you get the picture, he’s been so so-so.
Tom Koehler – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Oh, I know this trick. Justin Masterson invented this trick. Look unhittable for one start, everyone picks him up then he gets bombed. Everyone then drops him and he pitches well again. So passive aggressive. Koehler gets the Phils next, which sounds good, so, of course, he’ll get bombed again.
Adeiny Hechavarria – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .333. Okay, no idea where it’s coming from, but at a certain point it doesn’t matter. Hot schmotato alert!
Marcell Ozuna – 0-for-2, run, RBI, hitting .288 and has zero homers on the year. OZUNA pick dandelion for young child. OZUNA cry during long distance phone commercial. OZUNA eat whole pint of ice cream.
Dee Gordon – 4-for-5, hitting .390. Great year so far, but one major red flag: 8 SBs, 6 times caught. Okay, so someone found the missing bulb, and now there’s flashing lights around that red flag.
Trevor Bauer – Scratched with food poisoning on Saturday. He ate some of his manager’s Francona-American mac and cheese.
Michael Bourn – 0-for-4, 1 RBI as he was moved to nine spot in the lineup. He was likely moved to the nine-hole, because there is no ten hole.
Carlos Carrasco – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. After his last start, it was reported he was stiff. And I was like, “Cool, I am too after his starts.” Then the Indians were like, “No, bad stiff.” And I was like, “Like walking up to the chalkboard in middle school?” And the Indians were like, “How did you get this phone number?” I was like, “What number?” and I hung up. I’m just hoping Carrasco just got hit by the Tigers and it isn’t arm stiffness again.
Brandon Moss – 2-for-3, run, 2 RBIs after hitting two homers on Friday as it looks like Moss is finally rolling and not collecting, um, you know.
Kyle Lobstein – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.50. I would’ve been better off drafting Lobstein than Strasburg. *lathers head with honey, sticks head into beehive, realizes it’s not a hive just a yellow basket* A little help!
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .377 with a .463 OBP. Really enjoying owning Miggy in Tout Wars (it’s an OBP league), and I’m happy to report through three weeks, Rudy and I are both doing well. I will now never talk about this league again if we take a dive, or continue to update you every few weeks. It’s the way of the fantasy baseball ‘pert.
Jose Iglesias – 1-for-3, hitting .379 as he continues to collect hits on the daily. I’ve now picked up and dropped Iglesias more times than he’s actually played on my team. Sometimes I grab him and drop him for someone else before that day’s games. I’m not a superstitious man, but there’s something to Iglesias.
Roenis Elias – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks as he filled in the vacant rotation spot left by Iwakuma. As Dan Pants said in his weekend roundup on Saturday, Iwakuma is DL’d. That makes sense since (almost stutterer!) Iwakuma didn’t look right at all and was battling a previously undisclosed lat strain. As for Elias, he’s a streamer with a wealth of useless sports trivia.
Seth Smith – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. The Lisper’s Nightmare was so excited to get on the board he tweeted out, “Hathtag thweet!”
Ryan Howard – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games (3rd overall), hitting .193. As bad as he’s been, and he’s been bad, you know what Utley’s hitting? Go ahead, guess. 5? What kind of guess is that? That’s not even possible. He’s hitting .121. The Phils should just sell the rest of their home games as Old Timer’s Days.
Odubel Herrera – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 4th steal. I think because I once owned him and now don’t I long for Odubel. A yearning. And it’s totally unrealistic because Odubel’s not even that good. We should have a glossary term for this unrealistic desire to own a player just because you once owned them. Please suggest in the comments.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Left Saturday’s game with a tight hip. YOLO, Ells, get on the field!
CC Sabathia – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA back up to 5.96. Peripherals-schmeripherals, should’ve never trusted him. I going back to being BCC’d.
Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .267. In 250 years, A-Rod is going to be a disembodied head, hitting home runs.
Nathan Eovaldi – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Nice capper for Sunday night in my weekly leagues. Good push into the next week. Thanks a bunch. A bunch of olives cause your last name sounds like olive oil, you nuckfut!
Juan Lagares – 2-for-4, 1 run, and 4-for-4 on Saturday, hitting .307 on the year, and .375 in the last week. He’s shown no power or speed of note so far, but he has a little of both and swinging a hot bat like a horny devil. I’d look at him if I were struggling in the outfielder.
Matt Harvey – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks and nearly his 2nd career complete game. It feels like he’s been the boss forever so I was surprised he’s only had one career complete game. Elias Sports Bureau said, Nolan Ryan once had two complete games in one game. Effin’ Elias making shizz up like a bunch of nerd ballers.
Ian Kennedy – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup department says, “Lucky you didn’t listen to me!”
Derek Norris – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I cannot tell a lie. I dropped Zunino for Norris the other day. This will, of course, mean Zunino will storm the world and become El Zunino.
Yasiel Puig – Hit the DL with a hamstring injury. Mattingly said regarding the DL stint, “If it’s the best thing, then it’s the best thing.” I’ll add that if you argue against circular logic, it leaves your head spinning.
Alex Guerrero – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer. I wish Mattingly had the modesty to just call Torre and ask him, “Home runs are good, right?”
Brandon McCarthy – 5 IP, 6 ER on Saturday and now dealing with tightness in his elbow and McCarthy said he hopes he has tendinitis. It’s good news that he’s pragmatic. It’s bad news that he can’t even lie to himself that it might be nothing.
Joel Peralta – Placed on the DL with a dead arm. Grab Yimi! This’ll be here when you come back. Just go and grab Yimi Garcia right now. Even if Yimi doesn’t get another save (he got one on Friday), Yimi will be the Wade Davis-type pickup of the year. If he doesn’t strikeout 100 guys in 70 IP, my name is not Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it!).
Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 0.35. Are we sure Pedro Martinez didn’t come back under his lounge singer alias?
C.J. Cron – 4-for-4, hitting .275. Sometimes you just have to spell things out for The Sciosciapath. Hopefully, before the start of the next game, The Sciosciapath doesn’t eat ice cream too fast and make the corners Freese and Grant Green.
Hector Santiago – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 5 Ks. If you streamed him, you got away with murder, O.J. Now, drop him.
Leonys Martin – 2-for-6 and a slam (1) and legs (5). My favorite Martin!
Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.91, but 4 unearned runs for the Ticker Shock! Or maybe that’s Ticker Svolq! I have the Volqan death grip on Edinson in one league, and his walk rate is still under 2, and as long as that’s the case, he should be owned.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .255. Now he’s only one homer off the Royals home run team lead. Not even kidding. With their slap hitting, Puig is getting challenged for the nickname, Charley Luau, by the Royal Hawaiians.
Jose Bautista – Hoping to return early this week. I’ve never met Bautista but I feel like we share a lot of similar hopes.
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’s putting up Kershaw-type numbers. Fo’reallies. Not saying he’s that good…yet. Oh, snap, the Ellipses Yet! Damn, like a baller. JB’s coming with a Archer profile later today, so I’m not going to say more than yum yum get some.
Francisco Liriano – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.22. On one hand, I wish I was more aggressive in my ranking of him this year. On the other hand, he will go pear-shaped or get hurt at some point. On a third hand that is actually a construction paper turkey, his walks have been a mess this year.
Gregory Polanco – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI. I love that the Pirates have put him in the two hole and just left him there. If only the same could be true for Pederson, Wong, Bogaerts and anyone else I own that I think are being unfairly treated. No bias here!
Rubby de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. His K-rate is 9, his walk rate is 1.8, his xFIP is 3.08. It’s hard to make room for him in a 12-team mixed league or shallower, but his numbers are saying you should. I’d be aggressive about grabbing him in most mixed leagues, i.e., Rubby can give you a happy ending.
Shane Victorino – To the DL. Sawx fans say, “Rusneeeeeeey?” Yankee fans say, “Hey, would ya blow me?” Rusney isn’t even playing in the minors due to an injury, so he’s not getting *pinkie to mouth* rush-ney’d. Daniel Nava (0-for-1, 1 run) and Allen Craig (0-for-5) will fill-in.
Wade Miley – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 8.62 vs. the O’s. Appropriate, since every hitter that faces the Sawx’s pitching gets the O face. Not sure what the Hitter-Tron says, but I’m streaming hitters in Coors or vs. the Sawx.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and two homers (7, 8), hitting .300. You know the Butterfly Effect? Not the crappy Kutcher movie. The theory that says a small change in one condition can change change another condition. I.e., a butterfly flaps its wings in Indonesia and a tidal wave happens in Bermuda. So, here’s one for you, the But-I-Don’t-Care Effect. When Hanley cares, he hits. When he doesn’t, he goes to the DL with a mystery ailment. Can also be found in Puig, Manny Ramirez.
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Don Pablo Esocabuffet!
Chris Davis – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .269. I don’t own him anywhere, though I would, but, since I don’t, I’m not sure exactly what he’s been doing. All I know is there’s been quite a few people asking if they should trade him away or drop him. Of course, the answer is always be patient, it’s April. I figured he was hitting .150 with zero homers. What do you people expect from him? He’s hitting better than I would even expect from him with power. Color me perplexed.
Steve Pearce – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. I know, you’re thinking, well, good for J-FoH for holding Pearce after he accidentally dropped Pearce last week and pleaded with our league to allow him to pick him up again. Yeah, unfortch, he dropped him again before this game. Still waiting to hear if it was intentional.
Delmon Young – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 5 RBIs, hitting .368, but says he’d be hitting .400 if it wasn’t for the Jews.
Jimmy Paredes – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .429 and two homers this weekend and three homers this week. Definitely beat up on pee-poor pitching this week and all he’s really good for in the long-term is speed (37 steals one year in Triple-A), but there’s no one swinging a hotter bat. Hot schmotato alert!
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.03 vs. Anthony DeSclafani 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.04. This start was billed as Last Year’s Arrieta vs. This Year’s Arrieta. That billing failed to mention DeSclafani. Ah, see what I did there? You thought I was talking about DeSclafani in the first billing, then reversed it. Just when you thought I wasn’t hedging, I whip out my weed whacker and hedge! Yeah, I own DeSclafani, and loving it, but he’s more of a 3.75-ERA pitcher than what he’s showing. Still, you ride the wave.