Ya know how they used to say a complete game under 100 pitches was a Maddux? Well, kids, the only way a pitcher is ever throwing a complete game again is if it’s under 100 pitches. A complete game equals Maddux. There’s no non-Maddux complete games anymore. Right? I’m not being coy. Can’t imagine any pitcher throwing more than 100 pitches again. Okay, I’m being a little facetious there, but seriously. The other day Ranger Suarez threw the most pitches in 2024 with 112, and only one pitcher is averaging 100 pitches per game, that’s Hunter Greene. Okay, enough yelling at clouds, Tanner Houck (9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks in 94 pitches, ERA at 1.35) was excellent yesterday. In 26 2/3 IP, he has thrown two walks. This is the way, said like The Mandalorian. Red Sox have put together a great rotation and every day I love a different one the most. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Connor Wong – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer and 2nd homer in as many games. May all your Wong dongs come as easily.
Garrett Whitlock – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Sounds like it’s gonna be one of those two-week oblique IL stints vs. a six-week much oblique’r.
Kevin Gausman – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 8.16. Standing on the ledge of a tall building, I scream to the firefighters below, “What does Kevin Gausman‘s velocity look like? How about his splitters? Are they dropping?”
Firefighter opens Statcast dot com and screams back, “What’s his average velocity on fastballs usually?”
“What? Speak up!”
“Here, look at this:”
Peers down and I follow my eyes off the side of the ledge, “He looks….fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiixed, I think–” So, Kevin Gausman went , which isn’t on its face a great start, but it’s better. I will happily wear that sonavabench if it means he’s fixed, and, if his Statcast velocities mean anything, he absolutely looks fixed. Oh, Jesus H. Xmas, please let it mean that. Take this as a step forward, and then next time take another step forward and so on and so forth! Assuming you’re not on a ledge.
Daulton Varsho – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. If you told me you were from the future and Varsho was about to have a solid season starting today, I’d believe you. If you told me this was a blip and he’d go back to sucking, I’d also believe you. See, you’re from the future, why would you lie to me?
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Okay, cute, now let Aaron Judge switch back to his regular jersey.
Juan Soto – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. So spoiled by Sexy Dr. Pepper that him hitting .350+ with power and I’m like, “I want more!”
Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .292. Carp good; Tork meh. I might be misremembering this, but I could’ve sworn everyone thought it would be the exact opposite when they were prospects.
Tarik Skubal – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.28. He looks 100% like an ace. Barring injury, I’d be shocked if he’s not a top three starter next year.
Parker Meadows – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .077. “Listen, it’s very nice you want to get that body in that overhead compartment, but there’s no way you’re fitting–Hold on! Meadows moved! He’s alive!” The other day I was noticing how awful Torkelson and Colt Keith were doing but they seemed to be just a hair under mediocre compared to Meadows.
Dane Dunning – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Dunning does not look like an ace. Barely a Streamonator call, if being honest.
Starling Marte – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. You can kick yourself about not taking the draft day discount on Starling, but don’t kick too hard. You’ll hurt yourself just like him shortly.
Luis Severino – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.14. Streamonator loved this, but also until a guy has an ERA over 2.50, you kinda should just start them.
David Bednar – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 13.50. Kazaam!
Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer. 45 more for Captain Woo Cubano! C’mon! Let’s go!
Mauricio Dubon – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He’s the type to get hot real fast and ride the heat for a week.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer. Ozuna is the top ranked Braves player on the Player Rater. By a lot.
Max Fried – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 7.71. Yeah, he seems totally fine. Nothing wrong there. Ow, eyeroll headache.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. Tildaddy tells you can have dessert!
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Cody hit that one high! Literally, I mean, he looks stoned.
Eduardo Rodriguez – Transferred to the 60-day IL. I’m sorry, how tight is his lat?
Ketel Marte – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Damn, he looks good and likely to repeat last year vs. my concerns of him falling back to a 15-homer bozo. Ketel’s no bozo! Booze? Maybe. But not bozo.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Guy goes from zero to schmotato in two-point-two.
Brandon Pfaadt – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at…Any guesses? C’mon, you like Pfaadt, what’s his ERA? Bzzt, wrongo! It’s 5.32.
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Maybe he can fart on JRod to get him going? Maybe he did and that’s why he’s not going?
Mitch Garver – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Hold up, hold up right there. Wait one second! M’s have two Mitches? Don’t they know they ain’t shizz but hoes and tricks? Have they not gone to the doctor to have themselves examined? Ya know, Dr. Dre!
Bryce Miller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.85. I saw B. Miller in the box score and I immediately thought of PS Hoffman in Capote. Damn, RIP. Am I the only one who thought that in the entire world? Prolly.
Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Dude is so good, what was I thinking? More like Elly oh El, you big dummy!
Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70. I have Abbott in a few leagues, and I’m sure when the summer heats up and the ball’s flying in Cincy, I’m going to regret it, but right now I’m making kissy faces.
Kris Bryant – Hit the IL with a lower back strain. Hope Kris Bryant, Anthony Rizzo and Javier Baez voluntarily agreed without pressure to sell the rest of their careers to the devil for the 2016 championship.
When you have one million on Kris Bryant being this year’s Comeback Player of the Year for two years in a row pic.twitter.com/r63vc9ChPl
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 21, 2024
Sean Bouchard – 1-for-3, 1 run as he was called up. He has 60-grade power and speed. Possible 30/30 player. He’s also about to turn 28 years old, and the Rockies have given him a total of 40 games played in the majors. Oh, where he’s hitting .304!
Trea Turner – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .329. Treat Urner looks totally fine in the early going. You know who doesn’t? Bryce is taking some cuts that are reminiscent to those years when he hit .240.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. The schmohawks are making me look like a schmohawk.
Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.53. Was free in all drafts. Still kinda free in trades.
Mike Trout – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Maybe when Trout was wearing a Gone Fishin’ t-shirt he wanted to be wearing a Big Johnson t-shirt while needing to be The Big Dog and didn’t like Ohtani being there?
Reid Detmers – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.19. Why do I feel like his next start is going to be a 3 IP, 5 ER start? Angels have really ruined me.
Amed Rosario – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .328. Hot schmotato alert!
Esteury Ruiz – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (2) in his 1st start back, hitting leadoff. Aw, yeah, Ruiz is hitting spite homers! Those are the best! We love spite homers.
Landon Knack – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, as he was called up. My my my my my my Sharona! Sorry, it’s an earworm. Knack doesn’t have great stuff, but solid command, so he’s interesting for deep leagues (NL-Only, 15-team mixed). Itch just said yesterday, “He posted a 0.96 WHIP in 15.2 innings across three Triple-A starts this year and should translate fairly well as a 26-year-old rookie if he can maintain the velocity and command gains he’s shown so far in 2024, when Knack has shown a real aptitude for the sweeper, and I’d like to sweep out his legs.” Not cool, moving on!
CJ Abrams – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer.
Salvador Perez – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I’m pretty sure Perez could homer with a dislocated shoulder in a wheelchair. Dude’s such a beast. He’s like the anti-Kris Bryant.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. As Scooby-Doo would say, “Renfroe!”
Paul DeJong – 5-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Colonel Mustard in the escape room with an impossible-to-understand puzzle!
Erick Fedde – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Crochet? Big upside. Fedde? A White Sox starter with maybe 4-5 fantasy starter potential? I’m yawnstipated.
Yu Darvish – Hit the IL with neck soreness. The injury happened when he was whipping his head around to watch opponents’ hits.
Michael King – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners (2 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 3.33. After waiting 70 years to become King– No, ChatGPT! You dope! So, there definitely seems to be something to the less plate discipline the opposing team has, the better the results for The King.
Bryan De La Cruz – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in the last four games. Bryan De La Snooze waking up. Jokes aside (were there jokes?), De La Cruz hit yesterday’s homer the opposite way pretty easily and I’m intrigued.
Keaton Winn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.09 vs. Trevor Rogers – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.92. Both of these offenses look like they’d lose to the O’s Triple-A team. Marlins’ 3rd baseman was Otto Lopez. That honestly sounds made-up. Ocho Lopez? Sure. Otto Weimaraner? Okay. Otto Lopez? That’s a made-up name. Giants started Nick Ahmed, and he’s like their third best hitter! They have a guy named Tyler Fitzgerald. I’m kidding! I made up that name. Gotcha! No, I didn’t make it up! That is a real name!
Pablo Lopez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.97. Yes, Pab-Lo also looks like an ace. Less sung. Not unsung. Barely sung? A little bit sung. A lil’ sung-sung.
Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, and his 3rd homer in the last three games. It’s Gunnar MVP props going to the moon.
Cedric Mullins – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and third homer in four games. Everyone except Jackson Holliday is good in the O’s lineup. Luckily, they moved the faces back or they’d all be a bunch of little Bondsies.
Albert Suarez – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks. Suarez is a feel-good story of a guy who hasn’t made a major league start in eight years, and is now 34 years old. Would love to see a major motion picture about his life. Oh God, it’s Kevin Costner in brown face! Nooooooo! We have to recast! What, now you want Wilmer Valderrama? Oh God! He’s worse! Mario Lopez Jr.? Oh, forget it! It’s Costner’s job, we’ll just say he’s wearing a mud mask. So, I wouldn’t go crazy about picking up Suarez in mixed leagues. Not sure I’d even Streamonator him, but good for him. He deserves the biopic treatment. Lorenzo Lamas? Oh, that’s awful too! Can we young-up Edward James Olmos?
