Chris Tillman went 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.55 while dropping his 2nd half ERA to 2.14 in 46 1/3 IP. Still, the best thing about him is he doesn’t currently have a duet with Nicki Minaj on the radio. He’s the one person in the western hemisphere. You are so lucky, eastern hemisphere! Assuming you, Eastern Hemispherers, move to the western hemisphere in the next six months and don’t get all of our hand-me-down crap songs next. I lived in London in the fall of 1996, so I had a jumpstart on “Tell me what you want what you really want, what you really really want” by the Spice Girls, then when I moved back home, it just got here. I had a good solid 12 months straight of one stupid Spice Girls song. I called it A Clockwork Spice. Ready for me to tie this in? I bet you are! I was in on Tillman in the preseason the past two years, convinced he could make the jump to fantasy number two. I held him both years in the 1st half, as he got battered around, then in the 2nd half of both years after I dropped him, he buckled down and showed the kind of pitcher he can be. Unlike last year, his peripherals this year are pretty poor — 6.2 K/9, 3 BB/9, 4.31 xFIP. I’d definitely own him while he’s going well, but I don’t think he’s become anything more than a decent fantasy number four to five. Right now, he’s a Wannabe. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ubaldo Jimenez – Moved to the bullpen. A lot was made of the fact that he has a $50 million contract, but the contract was printed out on both sides of the paper, so they saved like three cents there.
Nick Hundley – 2-for-4 and a slam (3) and legs (1). Ding, ding, ding! The winner for most random Slam & Legs goes to… Nick Hundley! Show him what he’s won…Curtain rises…Apathy! That’s right, Nick Hundley, your very own apathy!
Jose Abreu – 1-for-3 and his 32nd homer. The Grande Dolor!
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA up to 3.25. Ugh, that just dolors. Seems like right when I got on the Quintana bandwagon it came off the tracks. Why is a bandwagon even on tracks?! Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, and I could see moving on in shallower mixed leagues.
Andrew Cashner – Could return this weekend. Cash rules everything around me, Andrew get the money, clean bill of health, y’all!
Jesse Hahn – Was optioned to Double-A. For those that were wondering when he’s going to get shutdown, I’ll say August 19th.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. I told you he was a sleeper! Well, at least he’s making it easier to sell to you again next year. Suckers–I mean, readers!
Abraham Almonte – 4-for-5, 1 run. Whoa, what’s the Almonte the Hoopla about? He’s hitting near-.400 in the last week and could be a short-term pick up. That’s the Almonte the Hoopla. Good fit with Gyorkin’ Crocus.
Josh Beckett – Might not return this season. I’m sure there’s a country song he knows that perfectly encapsulates how he’s feeling.
Zack Greinke – Has a sore elbow. As Velma would say, Greinkes! Mattingly said Greinke’s elbow would be checked today and he’s a possibility for his Thursday start. It’s also possible Dane Cook is not the most hated comic. Unlikely, but possible.
Carl Crawford – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (19). That viola string the doctors put in for his hamstring is paying off nicely, so he can stop fiddling around.
Oswaldo Arcia – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, his third homer in the last three games, and his 5th homer this week. Hot Oschwaldo! If you’re waiting until he cools off to pick him up, it’s not a good strategy.
Trevor Bauer – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER vs. Kyle Gibson (5 1/3 IP, 5 ER). In a matchup of This Is Your Brain vs. This Is Your Brain After Chasing Upside.
Yan Gomes – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 17th homer, as he bats .285. Maybe you shouldn’t have scratched your catcher scab in April.
Aroldis Chapman – Dealing with a sore shoulder. Probably nothing for a guy that throws 102 MPH. Eye roll, head scratch, fart sound made with hand in armpit. I own Jonathan Broxton everywhere I can. T-minus 2 days until Aroldis hits the DL.
Yadier Molina – Hopes to begin swinging a bat soon. He should write a company’s name on the bat and swing it on a street corner to generate some advertising income. What? I’m an entrepreneur.
Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting around .325 in the last week with two homers. Hhot Schhmotato!
Todd Frazier – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Finish strong, you sumsabeach!
Jon Jay – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Needs to be a deep league and daily so you can bench him when the Cards face a lefty, but The Federalist is batting .500 in the last week and been doing it since 1787 (okay, maybe since August 1st).
Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs. I’ve seen all the fantasy stars in their fancy cars and limousines. Been high on Rockies and their ridiculous stadium. But I know what I’m needing and I don’t want to waste more time. I’m in an Omar Infante state of mind!
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4 and his 13th homer. Someone set up a 2015 draft so I can draft Arenado right now. Right…NOW!
Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Must’ve been spurred on by me saying the other day he’s a top 40 outfielder on our Player Rater. Don’t worry, Weiss will bench him today.
Michael Cuddyer – Out yesterday with a sore hamstring. When he returned two days ago, I said he’d only stay healthy for two weeks. I obviously was generous.
Carlos Gonzalez – Might not be ready for spring training. I’d suggest the Rockies open each game with the M.A.S.H. theme song, but they aren’t painless.
Alex Rios – Was scratched from the lineup with conjunctivagina. When I see his OF position eligibility on my team, I wanted to add an extra F.
Yu Darvish – Now Ron Washington’s backing off his first prediction that Darvish would be back in two weeks. Ya think? Their best player has an elbow issue and they’re 80 games under .500. Hmm, tough call.
Leonys Martin – 2-for-5 and his 21st steal, hitting over .450 in the last week. Of course, I had him on Sunday for the one day he sat out. *Marge Simpson disapproving groan*
Jarred Cosart – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. Decent start, but he was going against the RAAAngers. Cosart gets Coors next and, if you start him there, you better drink everything you have Jarred.
Christian Yelich – 3-for-5 and his 16th steal. In the spirit of Paul George adopting the nickname PG-13. I suggest for Yelich: CYO.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer. OZUNA hold girl in hand. OZUNA hit ball far. OZUNA accidentally squeeze girl’s head.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. There was offense everywhere yesterday. Was it Throwback to 1998 Day and I didn’t hear about it? I’m guessing the entire league was tested for steroids on Monday, so they knew it was fine to shoot up on Tuesday afternoon without repercussions.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5 and his 17th homer. Next March Commenter, “Grey, your stache is my Sistine Chapel and I pretend to put money in the donate box to impress girls, but why so low on J.D. Martinez?”
Wil Myers – Wasn’t activated yesterday. Well, no dur. I wonder if the guy who says someone wasn’t activated works in the same department as Kevin from the “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department.
Chris Archer – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, but there was three unearned runs that chased Archer from the game. Ticker shock!
Grant Balfour – 0 IP, 3 ER, moving his record to 1-5 and ERA to 5.48 as Jim Johnson got the win while moving his ERA to 7.07. I think Billy Beane has finally gone too far and is going to be found out for infecting all players leaving the A’s with a strain of botulism.
James Loney – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Casey Kotchman and Lyle Overbay get together and flip baseball cards, but as they say, “Only the Loney.”
Evan Longoria – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. So, he is playing, I can confirm that.
Tsuyoshi Wada – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. Pitched much better than the grounds crew who put on the tarp during the rain delay. When the crew chief says, “Grounds crew up,” he won’t speak so fast next time. I like Wada, but agree with the Stream-o-Nator that his next start is a bit of a worry.
Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. If you bet on Kazmir to pitch the entire year healthy and could cash out your money at any point after August 1st with partial payout, when do you take your money and run? Need more info like how much you get after each start you wait? Well, I don’t have more info, because it’s a made-up scenario!
Josh Reddick – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. I’m enjoying having Reddick and not embarrassed to admit that.
Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Right now, he reminds me of a poor man’s Salty. I will call him, Fleur de Sole of Foot.
Chris Carter – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 30th homer. Who ends the season with more homers? Mi novio, Giancarlo, or Hurry K’d Carter? Tough call, right? Okay, if you rapidly move your eyes back and forth, you’ll forget what you just read and be able to read on without that question haunting you.
Brian McCann – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. I was just thinking how I bet McCann tries to talk the Yankees into taking a chance on his childhood friend, Jeff Francoeur. Then Cashman can pretend to be deaf.
David Robertson – 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Due to everyone dumping ice buckets on their head, no one has talked much about the latest Closepocalypse that has been making its way around the country. It’s hailing blown saves from Bangor, Maine to San Diego and every little town in between that Nick, our TV on the radio host, has stopped in to draft a fantasy football league.
Andrew McCutchen – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin in ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I think I have a drinking problem. Mint Julep isn’t something you guzzle, is it?” Geez, he’s getting sadder by the day.
Travis Snider – 2-for-4, 1 run. Kept hitting and, more importantly, he kept playing even after The Dread Pirate returned. Gonna be hard for the Pirates to bench Snider with how hot he’s been. Looks like the eighth post-hype year was the lucky charm.
Pedro Alvarez – Won’t play 3rd base anymore this year unless someone gets injured. Anything’s better than Pittsburgh, but especially Sans Pedro.
Francisco Liriano – 4 IP, 7 ER. He hates you and your fantasy team. A fierce ugly hate. Like what you harbor for the guy that pantsed you in the fifth grade.
Aaron Harang – 8 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. The Jane Goodall-trained Harangutan didn’t start throwing sh*t until the last inning.
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 24th homer. Justin’s making it very hard for his parents to pretend to love their children equally. “Dad, I went 2-for-5 with two runs and an RBI, why did you have me on your bench?” “David Peralta’s been hot, Beej.”
Evan Gattis – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 19th homer. Pirates thought he was trying to show them up with his home run trot, but Gattis doesn’t go anywhere without his coin metal detector.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-6, 1 run, 3 RBIs. Heyward’s done well at the top of the order, but Fredi Gonzalez, unable to stop tinkering with a good thing, now has decided to start Phil Gosselin (1-for-5, 1 run) over La Stella. Maybe Fredi was just a fan of Jon & Kate Plus 8.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks. Hisashi my dashi — slurp SLURP! Maybe even an extra SLURP on that one.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Seager’s just all about classically rocking the ball.
Robinson Cano – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 10th steal. Raise your hand if you expected Cano to get to August 20th and have his steals total be within one of his homers. That guy with his arm raised doesn’t count, he’s smelling his armpit.
A.J. Burnett – 7 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA up to 4.42. It’s like the whole season is one big session of Burnett getting tattooed.
Nate McLouth – Will undergo season-ending shoulder surgery. Comes as a bit of surprise; when did he start his season?
Denard Span – 1-for-4, 1 run and 26th steal. I always get Denard confused with another major league leadoff hitter. I wonder if Denard ever looks in the mirror and says, “C’mon, Ben Revere, let’s go for homer number two!”
Jayson Werth – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Everyone knows what Werth looks like, right? Well, here he is talking to Strasburg.
Ian Desmond – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 15th steal, hitting .251. The safest player to get his stats? Trout. In 2nd? I don’t know, Desmond makes a good case.
Stephen Strasburg – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.41. Hoping that Big Baby Jesus doesn’t put it together these final six weeks while lowering his ERA down to a low 3, so I seem a little crazier when I rank Strasburg in the top 5 SPs next year. Oh, well, I’ll have to do something else crazy. Maybe I’ll write 3000 words a day about fantasy baseball, that might get the crazy point across. Pfft, that’s not crazy! Shut up, Random Italicized Voice!
Chase Anderson – 2 IP, 6 ER. I’m going to put down this Mexican Coke right by this sign-up sheet for kidney donation and go to the bathroom in this very classy Tijuana dance club. Perhaps the man with an oversized Igloo cooler will watch it for me. He will, excellent. *five hours later* Hey, how come there’s a pinata hanging next to me? Wait, that’s not candy coming out of it and that’s not a pinata, that’s the lower half of my body… Ah, roofie!!!
David Peralta – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer and 2nd in as many games. Okay, doesn’t matter if he was once a pitcher for three years in the minors or 17 years and once taught Bert Blyleven a knuckler, he’s hitting and you should own him.
Mike Fiers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. You couldn’t get Michael Fiers if you were f***ing Michael Fiers. Unless he’s on your waivers, then you can get him without all those attachments that come from sex.
David Ortiz – 2-for-3 and his 29th homer. Let the good times, Rolle!
Josh Hamilton – 0-for-3 as he returned to the lineup after two days off for a mental health break. If only Arte Moreno had taken a mental health day instead of signing Hamilton.
