Spencer’s Gifts Are Nothing To Joke About

You ever go into Spencer’s Gifts and ask where the whoopie cushions are then, when shown, say, “No, the ones with the really wet farts?” Ah, I guess we’re built different. I did used to keep myself up at night wondering about the people in Taiwan who would work at the fake vomit factory all day, then go home and tell their loved ones, “No dinner tonight, I lost my appetite.” Just brutally sad. Where’s those peoples’ documentary on Netflix?! Huh?! Any hoo! Spencer Strider (6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.60) is fantastic, and I’m not just talking about his mustache. Well, I am, but it’s more than that. His last three starts: 18 IP, 8 hits, 1 run, 3 walks, 30 Ks and a beautiful mustache! How long do we have to wait until this guy turns into Touki Toussaint?! The truly remarkable thing, his peripherals are even purdier than his surface numbers — 14 K/9, 3.4 BB/9, 2.42 xFIP. He’s got a 2.60 ERA, and he’s being unlucky! Mah gawd, Mr. Man Stache! And they say you have to draft starters early. Sure thing, clean-shaven faces. Whatever you say. Anyway. here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Michael Harris II – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. Harris, The Dos with seis dongo!

Michael Wacha – Headed to the IL. Sad Fozzie Bear, shaking his head like Al from Happy Days, “Wacha, Wacha, Wacha.”

Chris Sale – Could return on Tuesday, and he’s looked pretty meh in rehab, so I’m conflicted. I’ve been waiting for a while for this day, since I drafted him in one league about seven months ago, but I don’t want to have to activate him and have him finish his rehab on my bench, i.e., I paid retail with Sale and having buyer’s remorse. By the by, Sale also went batshizz crazy after his last rehab start, smashing up the clubhouse:

Me after dinner with the wife’s friends https://t.co/2SyTSJepVl

— Razzball (@Razzball) July 7, 2022

Josh Winckowski – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.35. Josh Winckowski sounds like a kid on a Disney Channel sitcom, and I’m not Raven about that start.

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, a grand slam, and his 2nd homer in as many games. If he’s available, you might want to try smashing that Josh button.

Aaron Hicks – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because you’re not really picking him up, but maybe you should.

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.26. Rafael Devers (2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer) was all the damage vs. Cole, as it always is. Devers has six homers vs. Cole in 23 at-bats. A dwarf in Pedro’s arms chanting, “Who’s your daddy?” but for only Cole when Devers comes up.

Jose Altuve – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last five games. Altuve coming up big! *chuckles, gives self a low-five*

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. Captain Woo Cubano is doing all this while managing Afa and Sika in my imagination.

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Think I’ve mentioned this before, but I don’t remember because I write 2,000 words everyday, but I wonder if Verlander will be limited in the 2nd half, due to not pitching last year. He’s such a beast, I doubt it, but I guess you never know. And that’s me possibly paraphrasing me!

Darick Hall – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Isn’t it always like this: Highly touted prospect comes up — farting on Vidal Brujan’s thigh — and he does nothing. Rando prospect who everyone’s like, “Meh,” and he is King Shizz.

Luis Garcia – Nats’ infielder left the game with a stomach issue. That’s one way for the Nats to score some runs.

Reid Detmers – Was added to the taxi squad, but hasn’t been told when or if he’d start. Detmers is the best addition to a taxi squad since Randy Dobnak.

Adley Rutschman – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 1st homer ever at Camden! *Orioles move fences back another 100 feet* And maybe ever!

Jordan Lyles – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Lyles provided the Orioles their 15th start in 20 games with fewer than two earned runs. Yeah, well, when you move the fences back three-point-six miles, these things happen.

Ty France – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Raise your red, white and blue, and salute your nearest sandwich on baguette, France has risen.

Cal Raleigh – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. True, and very boring story alert! I had Raleigh in the Buy that’s coming later today, but I mentioned him last week, and he’s very boring, so I left him off, but he’s been hot, so if you must.

Dylan Moore – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. This was more of a fly out to Lourdes Gurriel Jr., but it bounced out of his glove and over the fence. “C’mon, man, use your head.” That’s Jose Canseco.

Yusei Kikuchi – Hit the Ineffective List with a “Man, this guy sucks.” There’s no known cure yet.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-3, and his 19th and 20th homer. Mookie Best!

Justin Turner – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. Want a cheap guy to buy who could be better in the 2nd half? I could see it with Toomgis.

Tony Gonsolin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.62. *Slopping himself in Drakkar Noir* Reporter, “What are you doing?” Tony, “Keeping away the Regression Fairies.”

Gavin Lux – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Lux sounds all fancy, and his stats are so yawnstipating that I can only imagine a Gavin is a type of hammock, so a Gavin Lux is a fancy one.

Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.82. Looks like someone hasn’t even missed a beat! Brusdar Graterol left the game with oblique soreness, so I’d keep an eye on Evan Phillips, but Roberts really seems to want to go down with the Kimbrel ship.

Christopher Morel – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, as he moves up the eight hole. David Ross writing on the windows at Harvard with mathematical equations why his best leadoff man is hitting at the bottom of the order.

Javier Baez – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. He could get hot, things can change, but, guys and five girl readers, he feels kinda whatever as he moves into another, not-so-great phase of his career.

Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4 and his 5th steal. Okay, who gave Schoop the greenies?

Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.45 vs. Beau Brieske – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.16. This matchup was billed as, “I can’t catch a freakin’ break with my wins luck.” As you can imagine, not a ton of people call it that. Only thing more lifeless than the Tigers are the White Sox. Just two teams who are on their third hand raise by the ref while Sgt. Slaughter applies the Cobra Clutch.

Jurickson Profar – Collided with C.J. Abrams, and needed to be carted off the field. Was a pretty scary moment for Profar as he was walking off the field, he fell over. Not sure why no one had their arm around him, helping him off. As someone who once got hit in the head, then decided it was a good idea to become a fantasy baseball blogger, prayers up for Profar.

Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.09. One more start before his dreaded 2nd half decline. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Logan Webb – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.98. Between Cobb and Wood, just a whole lotta “Should be better,” but Webb is “Should be pretty much exactly this.”

Diego Castillo – 2-for-6 and his 9th homer. Diego’s not gonna be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he hasn’t been playing every day, but he has been hitting well when playing.

Roansy Contreras – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.78. He was sent down following the game, but that sounds like it was purely clerical, due to the doubleheader. He will have his IP watched, but not this soon. Streamonator didn’t like this start, and, honestly, I’m having a hard time giving Roansy a full-throated endorsement, which sounds like he’s running for mayor of Porntown.

Jonathan India – 4-for-8, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Never thought I’d live to see the day that Jonathan India had a two-plus hit day or Edward Olivares would get to stay in the lineup past the 6th inning. It’d be nice if Pasquantino would add some breadsticks to the standard meatballs in his box score line, but we take what we can get.

Tyler Naquin – 2-for-8 and his 6th homer. He’s like a cheap Adam Duvall. Call him Can’t-go-to-the-beach-so-listening-through-a-Shelly Duvall. If Naquin gets hot, could be a huge pickup for, like, a week or three.

James McCann – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Sung a’la Yankee Doodle Dandy, “Stuck a finger in his crap and called it McCann.”

J.D. Davis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Jonathan Davis Davis with a season’s worth of stats in one game (for him).

Trevor Williams – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.76. Was thisclose to streaming Williams, but I streamed Bello on Wednesday, and I was hurt, scared, frightened. What more could I possibly endure? I screamed at my body pillow that I outfitted in Giancarlo’s jersey. Comfort, he gave me. Advice, he did not.

Chris Bassitt – Will return today from the Covid IL. Bassitt said, “Woof, woof, woof.” Hmm, I think I asked the wrong Bassitt.