Daydream Bieber is a homecoming KEEEEEEN-ing-ing-ing-iiiiing. If you could’ve heard that in my head, you’d be like, “Damn, Grey’s got some pipes!” I think I might be tone deaf. Is there anyway to know for sure? Because I hear myself and I sound fine, and then I hear Jennifer Hudson and I’m like, “I sound like her in my head.” Is that tone deaf? My dog, Ted, is colorblind. In other words, Ted doesn’t discriminate. Therefore, maybe tone deaf is the perfect set of ears because it doesn’t discriminate sounds. Also, do you think my dog translates everything I say into barks? I’m a curious person probably why I’m off the Mensa scale — or Womensa scale or non-binarysa scale. Any hoosies! Shane Bieber threw 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks yesterday and dazzled again, though some of those dazzlers were mixed in with frowny faces — sad-dazzlers? Sadazzlers? Frownedazzlers? Trapped myself into a portmanteau loop and there’s no way out! I’d use the Stream-o-Nator for his upcoming starts, but for 2019 there’s very little to be pessimistic about with Bieber. His 9.6 K/9, 1.7 BB/9 and 3.24 xFIP are things of beauty. If he can do that in 2019, Bieber could easily back himself into a top 40 starter season and a fantasy number three with flashes of two. I’m down for that even if there’s some frownedazzlers mixed in! Sadazzlers? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Josh Donaldson – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Only took him four months of pulling a Kotchman and he got right back out there. For our amusement, I went back to the day he was injured and grabbed the Jays’ quote about the injury. On May 28th, “Donaldson is still working through some tightness in his left calf, though he is fully expected to avoid the disabled list. He could return to action Friday, after Thursday’s scheduled team off day.” It gets better! Two days later, “Donaldson expects to return to the Jays when first eligible on Friday.” Wait, there’s more! Five days later, “When asked if he’ll be ready to be activated on Friday, Donaldson said, ‘It’s iffy.'” IFFY! You could’ve impregnated a female, let that puppy gestate for nine months and named your kid Iffy in the time it took him to return!
Tyler Glasnow – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.70 on the Rays, but most of that damage came in one start vs. the Jays. You remember that start, it was when everyone was saying the opposite of what they’re saying about Glasnow now (stutterer!).
Nick Pivetta – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.64. He is such a bum he got outpitched by Erick Fedde Wop. I’m convinced Pivetta is an Italian curse worse than the malocchio, but not as bad as pineapple on pizza.
Seranthony Dominguez – 1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.29. He tried to close it out for the Phils, but Kapler brought him in the 8th because he likely forgot Tommy Hunter, his other closer, pitched two innings in the day game, because he also likely forgot it was a doubleheader. Kapler has gone out of his way to make sure the Phils don’t make the playoffs.
Juan Soto – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer. Stay thirsty, Sexy Dr. Pepper!
Lance McCullers – Threw a 40-pitch bullpen session. Not great with so little time left, and less entertaining than a bullpen session thrown after drinking a 40.
Framber Valdez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.66. Not sure if he just didn’t have the gas, but real slick, Valdez, way to turn to crude.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .318. Quick, off top of your head, Altuve a top 10 guy next year? Really? Hope you’re playing in my leagues.
Tyler White – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .320-ish in last week. I’d say he’s locked in, but hitters hit ropes, so I’m gonna say he’s roped in. He’s roped in like Donaldson’s calf by the Indians.
JaCoby Jones – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. One less homer than Altuve. That is all.
Ryan Borucki – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.26. He performed better than expected in Fenway. Dot dot dot. Or the Red Sox are signing autographs for Make-A-Wish kids in the dugout during innings because they don’t need to worry about what’s going on in the game because they clinched four months ago.
Marcus Stroman – Won’t pitch again this year. If only the Jays said that in March and saved everyone a lot of headaches. You owe us the cost of this Tylenol!
Jose Quintana – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.97. Pulling for him to keep his ERA below 4.00 on the year. Not because I own him, I don’t, but there’s some cognitive dissonance with drafters and seeing a sub-4.00 ERA vs. a 4.01 or greater ERA. Also, I don’t know what cognitive dissonance means, but you know what I mean, so we’re good.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Ryu seems to be symbolizing the entire Dodgers team. Just limping to the finish. If the Dodgers make the playoffs, is there any way they get past the first round? Any hoo! Stream-o-Nator likes Ryu’s next start, but Ryu now has two straight mediocre starts (last one was at least unearned runs). I’m likely holding and rocking him, but I can’t say I’m not a little shook.
Luis Castillo – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.66. Don’t you dare have a good September and drive up your 2019 draft price. Don’t you frickin’ dare.
Scott Schebler – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer, and 3rd homer this week, and hitting near-.333 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Sonny Gray – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.99. Gotta give him points for consistency. Then remove those points because he’s been consistently awful.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and his 1st homer since April. Kidding, but it does feel that way, right?
Joe Mauer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .272. I think CBS could make a case that Mauer is a top 10 bat next year.
Brad Keller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at…Go ahead guess. You won’t be within .50 of it. He has a 3.04 ERA! Not even Keller saw that coming.
Miles Mikolas – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Something I haven’t mentioned as much this year. No, not that I loved Mikolas in the preseason, I’ve mentioned that a bunch, including just now. I haven’t mentioned how few leagues I drafted him in. Such a waste of pure prescience. I’m a fortune teller, but I’m also Jewish, so I’m super neurotic about my visions. Need to be more gypsy like Polly from Peaky Blinders.
Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.87. Was hoping for better results yesterday from Musgrove, but he gets the Royals next and I see no reason to abandon ship yet, especially not for a Pirate.
Zack Greinke – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Racist! Also, I know, sonavabench! But you couldn’t have started him in Coors. Matter of fact (Grey’s got more!), he’s on waivers in my RCL.
David Peralta – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (27) and legs (4), hitting .297. Peralta feels like a 2018 Scooter Gennett. People will not trust him again next March, and Peralta will continue to do well.
Yoshihisa Hirano – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.88 and his 1st save. If it took you as long to make an important decision at your job as it took the Diamondbacks to make Hirano the closer, you would be fired. They would’ve been interviewing fry cook replacements three months ago. You’d be like, “Hey, who’s that guy frying my taters?” Hirano should be the closer for the rest of the year, but it also took this long to make him the closer, so we’ll see if the Diamondbacks realize it as quickly.
Sean Manaea – Will undergo shoulder surgery and will be sidelined through 2019. Said like Martin Lawrence, “Daaaaaaaamn Manaea!”
Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.29, as the A’s beat the Birds. Health class lesson of the day: The birds and the bees is how a baby is born. The birds and A’s is how you have sex without getting anyone pregnant. As for Fiers, Stream-o-Nator likes his next matchup and I could see stop, drop and rolling towards Fiers.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, third homer in the last eight games, hitting near-.450 in the last week. Sure is good thing the Brewers got rid of Villar! (And Scooter.) By the way, I saw the box score listing Villar SS, and I was thought for a second, “That’s why he’s hitting so much, there’s multiple of him.” I am a stupid person.
Marco Gonzales – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.24, as he was activated from the DL. He was out close to three weeks with a neck strain. Hopefully he had that duck insurance.
Johan Camargo – Left with a groin strain. If he changes his name to Camargoadams, Wade Boggs would gladly help him with that.
Jose Urena – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.29. He’s pitched well since he had the entire MLB industrial complex trying to fight him. If you streamed Urethra, urine luck!
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4 and his 24th homer, and third homer in as many games, and fifth homer in the last eight games, and is one more homer away from getting a lede. Conforto, you really suck doing this to your 2019 fantasy value. The Mets don’t care about you, we care about you!
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.71, and set a major league record. No, not being the best pitcher ever on the worst team ever. He allowed three or fewer runs for his 26th consecutive start, breaking a record that stood for 108 years by Leslie “King” Cole. Only thing I can find on him is Cole went by King because he was sick of people saying, “Hey, Leslie, you queen.”