Pirate Batters Mutter “Wells Shiver Me Tylers”

In exactly three weeks, we can begin to get excited about the Orioles again. Forget Gunnar’s bad season — his what season? I don’t know in three weeks. Can re-glimmerize Jackson Holliday. Can start thinking Mayo is cool and not just Michael Helman’s hot streak. Is Grayson returning at some point? Great! Dylan Beavers? Damn right! Bradish? Get on board-ish! Jeremiah Jackson? Actually, he might be more of a this season guy like Trevor Rogers. We’re supposed to be getting excited in three weeks about guys who were absent or bad. Has Tyler Wells been bad? Not, I guess not. Just non-existent. Perfect! Yesterday, Tyler Wells went 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.31. This is how you want to return from Tommy John. Excuse me, your 2nd Tommy John. How many Tommy Johns is too many? Maybe a question for his wife. Wells’s value comes from his pinpoint control, something guys lose after Tommy John for short periods of time when they first return, and here Wells is with a 0.8 K/9. Can we get as excited about Wells as other O’s in three weeks? I think so! Only five of six will end up being disappointing. (Okay, maybe four in six.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Paul Skenes – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.92. That’s now 178 IP, 203 Ks and a 0.92 WHIP. Only six pitchers have finished a season with a qualified ERA under 2.00 and 200+ K since 2000. What a stupid great year. His career ERA is under 2.00. What a stupid great start to a career. Have we seen a career start like this before? In modern times?

Spencer Horwitz – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and the 8th time I’ve made the joke about him filing your tax extension!

Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.69. FreddyKBB had his scoreless streak snapped at 30 innings and just to show he was serious about it, he allowed another four runs.

Brice Turang – 2-for-5, and a slam (18) and legs (24), hitting .289. More unlikely, Josh Naylor becoming Juan Pierre or Turang becoming Trea Turner? Prolly the first one still, but think about this: Do you think Turang will be drafted in the top 30 overall next year? If you answered no, why? If you answered yes, you move ahead to Free Parking.

Jackson Chourio – 1-for-5 and his 20th homer, hitting .278. Jack-Chou, God bless you!

Jake Burger – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, four homers in the last week. If you didn’t know Burger was ordering a side of hot schmotatoes, you should know by now, because I am literally saying it in an obtuse way.

Merrill Kelly – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.21. Pretty hideous tying his owners to the WHIPping post, but Kelly managed to escape with the Win, and Streamonator is meh on his next one, and I don’t trust him at all.

Phil Maton – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.95, and his 4th save. Armstrong still appears to be the closer, but Phil Maton got the save because Phil Mabutt was busy. No! Because Armstrong worked out of a jam in the previous inning.

Kyle Manzardo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Will he catch Pasketti in homers? Does anyone care but me? Why do I care? Have I forgotten? I have questions, y’all!

Logan Allen – 5 IP,2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Sure, but this was vs. the Royals at home, so it would’ve been a 3 IP, 6 ER against another team.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer. He’s so good; I am a big fan. Yet, it’s so funny Schwarber has twice as many homers as him. Schwarbs playing pinball on tilt.

Max Kepler – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .221, 2nd homer in a week, and the type to hit a schmotato patch for a week or two.

Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.57. Kinda surprised to see he only has 13 wins. 2.57 ERA and on a 98-ish win team? No one winning 20 games again or what?

Clay Holmes – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.75. If I were the Mets, I might try to acquire some starters next year and not try to make, like, Tanner Scott a starter.

Juan Soto – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (39) and legs (31), and missed his 40th homer by about six inches, or nine inches if a girl’s reading. He wants 40/40 so bad, but I wonder if he could go 50/50 or more if he started this in April.

MacKenzie Gore – Will be activated for today’s start vs. the Marlins. Why? I mean, okay, thanks for the heads up, but will avoid.

Eury Perez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.67. I no longer trust Eury. He should be shut down. Not entirely sure why he hasn’t been. With all that said, this wasn’t the worst of starts for him. Home vs. the Nats should be better though.

Jakob Marsee -4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .336. Insane Maas Appeal.

Xavier Edwards – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .282. The X-Man with the power of Jubilee, which X-Man dot com lists as “more of a morale booster.”

Taj Bradley – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.88. After the game, Taj said, “I’m back on my shizz!” When asked to clarify, “Um, reading scouting reports.”

Byron Buxton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. The dream season continues, don’t wake him. [sees a snippet of his dream where there’s a janitor in a boiler room in a striped sweater] Is that Freddy Krueger? Crap! Wake him! Why’s Freddy going for his quad? Noooo!!!

James Outman – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Zach Neto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .257. Imagine Neto in a pennant race and actually being motivated. Angels don’t deserve such a great player. In this house we support Zach Neto.

Yandy Diaz – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 23rd homer. Yandy looks like The Mountain and his official elevation is 23.

Junior Caminero – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 42nd homer. He’s gonna hit 12 homers next year when back in a MLB park again. Kidding. I hope.

Miguel Vargas – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Saw someone say he’s put together his best season so far: 14 HRs in 121 games, and to that I say, you better modify with “his.”

Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Benintendi goes from zero to 60 (out of 100) and get him while the needle is near 50-ish.

Payton Tolle – 2 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 7.84. Rather than going to the mound, Alex Cora flipped a shrimp tail into his Benihana hat and screamed, “Ya cooked!”

Aroldis Chapman – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.14. Gave up his first hit (and run) since July 23rd. A six-week no-hitter is absurd. No one could give him the props something like that deserves, but here’s some tidbits. It was 50 straight at-bats without a hit (he had four walks in that time, so basically one and half perfect games? Something like that). He had (past tense, but it’s not much worse now) the lowest BAA and OPS ever for a reliever in a season (he also had the third best from a different year).

Shea Langeliers – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 30th homer. Also, in this game, Nick Kurtz (2-for-4) hit his 30th homer. I reached out to Elias Sports Bureau to see if any teammates ever both hit their 30th homer in the same game before and they said, “Could you stop asking us stuff? We still haven’t processed your last request, ‘Has a teammate ever called their teammate daddy?'”

Tommy Edman – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Edman will manage to be less valuable than you think he will for fantasy while also making other guys in the Dodgers’ lineup also less valuable (Pages down to the eight hole? What on earth), while somehow being valuable for real baseball.

Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-5 and his 24th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. It’s Teoscar season early in Hollywood! Actually, I did go to my first Oscar movie screening last night; I saw Kiss of the Spider Woman, they remade it (meh) and J. Lo was there waving to the crowd. Tried to ask her if she still drinks Dunkin, but her people waved a cattle prod at me.

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.79. If the Dodgers faced the Rockies in the playoffs, I’d like their chances!

Mookie Betts – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. Mookie Best!

Andrew Abbott – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Can’t believe he’s still got it going. Regression Fairies next year are going to dump an 8+ ERA on him in April, then he’s gonna need arm surgery. You can duck and hide so long.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer. This was his first homer in two years. No, 2nd homer in a week! Sorry, I didn’t realize he’s been so good. He has a whole eight homers since May.

Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Actually kinda similar to Abbott, but I think Pivetta’s paid his Regression Fairies dues for so many years leading up to this, that this year’s his repayment.

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, as he entered as a pinch-hitter later in the game. Wonder if he came in to face a righty or lefty.

Riley Greene – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Can we get 40 next year? If being real, I wouldn’t mind 30 homers again and getting back to stealing bags.

Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.69. He’s gonna be so fantasy baseball sleeper’d this offseason that he’s not gonna be a sleeper anymore.

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Another stellar performance by a Yankees’ starter and the bullpen, which they masterfully built up at the trade deadline, stuck its butt out and did wet farts for an hour straight.

Ivan Herrera – 1-for-4 and a slam (15) and legs (7), hitting .279. He’s sitting on 14 games played at catcher. Can we get at least six more? Please.

Luis Garcia – Hit the IL with elbow discomfort, that’s two starts after he returned from Tommy John  surgery. That’s answering the question, “How bad is this?”

Jason Alexander – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, 1 walk, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.19. That the Astros unlocked George Costanza is one of the most ludicrous flexes. Send them Kevin Kramer and see what they can get out of him!

Carlos Correa – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, and his career 200th homer. “I’d like to thank dnbaijanowuiw–” That was the trash can trying to read a thank you speech.

Yainer Diaz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .256. More troubling (is any of this actually troubling?) he’s down to hitting 8th. He’s fallen out of favor in Houston, and I don’t blame them.

Ketel Marte – Left the game, limping, and I don’t think it was him practicing his pimp limp. No, they’re saying it was a foot contusion and he’s day-to-day.

Andrew Saalfrank – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.40, as he pitched the 9th inning in a 5-2 game, a save chance he created, so he doesn’t get a save and I can’t win.

Geraldo Perdomo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (18) and legs (25), hitting .284. How early do you draft this guy next year? First, I should say that he’s currently in the top 25 overall on the Player Rater. Not top 25 middle infielders. That’s out of everyone. He’s been better than Pete Alonso, Zack Wheeler, Vlad Jr., and Devers, to name just a few who were close behind him who might surprise you.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 1/3 IP, o ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.98. There’s no way you can start him with any kind of confidence.

Jameson Taillon – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.15, as he was activated from the IL. Jameson Whiskey Hotel Foxtrot Taillon, where ya been? [sees a groin strain] Oh, TMI. I’d be hesitant about Streamonator with him, so be careful.

Carson Kelly – 2-for-5 and his 17th homer. It feels like that’s in 17 at-bats. It’s not, but it feels that way.

Andrew Kittredge – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.45 and the save. Yes, I called it! I knew it was gonna be him and not Keller! (Watch the next save go to Keller.)

Anthony Rizzo – Officially retired. Can’t believe he retired before Kris Bryant and Javier Baez. They both had the fortunate (unfortunate?) luck of having long-term deals. Oh well, once more into the abyss for the recently-retired: HR to the Izzo! Only this time it’s Human Resources, since he needs to find a job.