Bryan Price, always one for colorful language, should go full Tony Montana about his relievers, “Look at that, I got a junkie bullpen, mang. My bullpen is so polluted! I can’t even have a save with that bullpen. It’s so polluted!” After his Montana rant, Price could clarify who will save games in his bullpen through a string of curse words and em-effers. Yesterday, Price said they’d go to a committee. Great, maybe they can make a camel. Hoover’s out, Jumbo’s gone because his physique reminded them too much of their ERA. Caleb Cotham could see some saves, and he’s been good vs. minor leaguers, but he’s been honing his craft in the minor leagues for a while. This isn’t like a potter who needs time to hone his ashtray-making skills before hitting the big-time flea markets. Being in the minors long just means you might never achieve success in the majors. Going for Cotham is that he throws righty and he hasn’t failed yet. Then there’s Tony Cingrani, who I grabbed on Tuesday. He has been decent enough in the bullpen this year, but he’s a lefty and he blew the save yesterday in the 8th inning. Oh, and there’s Blake Wood, who is reminiscent of Jeanmar Gomez, and we know how well that turned out. *intern whispers in my ear* Seems that so far Jeanmar has worked out okay. For now, I’d own Cingrani then Cotham, but this is nigh-thurr pretty nor set in stone. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Raisel Iglesias – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Through the first three innings, he was flirting with a perfect game, and I started flirting with him, then we got married and he gave up two runs. Still a solid outing, living up to the literal translation of his name ‘Raise the church roof!’ FYI, we’re registered at Pottery Barn.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .347. Yesterday, comes a day after a four-hit game by BP. Usually looks like a Shell of himself, so I’d likely forGetty him. Excuse me, that’s my Mobil. Wawa.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .293, which comes a day after he stole two bases. Bruce can do no wrong (when it comes to a Jersey housewife). As for Jay Bruce, he had a terrific 1st half last year too, and then it all went lates in the 2nd half.
Adam Duvall – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. I’d watch him like a cyclops with a monocle, because he has some power, and he might be getting hot.
Tucker Barnhart – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .348. What’s uglier than Devin Mesoraco? Technically, nothing, but a close second is that Barnhart is actually hitting better than Mesoraco. Oy gevalt.
Jon Gray – Will make his season debut Friday in Coors vs. the Dodgers. Forecast: Gray with a chance for torrential runs.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Anyone see where I put my lunch? It was a pressed ham and fruit basket.” He then mooned the inside of the break room refrigerator, causing everyone to throw out anything that was in there, and put up a sign for the janitor to disinfect it.
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.50. If I would’ve just drafted only Walkers this year, I’d be in first in all of my leagues. Hey, better than the guy who drafted Runelvys Hernandez or Jog Pederson.
Andrew Bailey – Phils rang the bell, and Bailey got his wings to the major leagues. He’ll work as a backup to Jeanmar Gomez, which is so goofy — Jeanmar Gomez is not really good, universe, stop messing with me! Bailey could see saves within a few weeks if he stays healthy, and that ‘if’ is the size of Trump’s Mexico wall.
Jeanmar Gomez – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.00 and his 2nd win. Excuse me while I laugh maniacally at the amount of fantasy value Jeanmar has produced in, like, ten days.
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting near-.300 in the last week and, who are we fooling, no one’s picking him up.
Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Even more impressive was his ability to focus when there was an advertisement for Philadelphia Cream Cheese in his peripheral vision. “What? I’m not doing anything!” That was Colon being confronted when he tried to switch out the rosin bag for a handful of cream cheese.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-6 and his 5th homer. If driving to the park in a car made of Legos is gonna be good luck, then that’s what he’ll drive in!
Lucas Duda – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd in as many games. Since I don’t own him, I’m ready for this hot streak to end. Thanking you in advance.
Neil Walker – 4-for-5, 1 run, hitting .293. Now is 7-for-14 with three homers in his series with the Phillies. For his own safety, he better drive with Cespedes out of town in Yoenis’s Pope-mobile.
Danny Valencia – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring strain. This should mean more playing time for Chris Coghlan. Hopefully, you have better depth than the A’s.
Kendall Graveman – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.04. I wonder if Kendall felt violated in this game against the Yankees, because they have one foot in the grave, man. Not surprisingly, Graveman gets everyone to beat the ball into the ground. His ground ball rate looks stellar, but his K/9 is yawnstipating. Could he pull a Keuchel? In his wildest dreams, and for now I’d leave him to streaming in most mixed leagues.
Billy Burns – 3-for-5, 1 run. His playing time was touch and go early on, but he looks like he’s not only playing, but also hitting. Burns is hot? Yeah, dur.
Sean Doolittle – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save because Ryan Madson had been used multiple games in a row. Madson’s still the man. *shudders* Sorry, I just read that and heard in my head, “Mad Season is the band.”
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. The Gregorius Didi staying Coogi down to the socks.
Matt Holliday – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He’s been a moderately okay gamble in deeper leagues where I have him. Moderately okay? Sounds like a Holliday in the Poconos.
Kolten Wong – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 2nd steal, and 2nd in as many days. Wong — excitement! — Sorry, can’t stand right now.
Carlos Martinez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70. I should just never discount any Cardinals pitcher’s ability ever. Though, Wainwright is on another level of garbage. He’s like the garbage that causes you to take out the trash before the bag is full. I hate that garbage.
Kyle Hendricks – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.00. You know how on the podcast we play the game, Ben Revere or Denard Span? I think the same could be done for Jason Hammel and Kyle Hendricks. Right now, their ERAs don’t appear similar, but when this whole kit’s in the kaboodle, they’ll end up pretty close.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Jordy Mercer – 3-for-4, 1 RBI as he hit leadoff. Mean’s while, Polanco sat for Sean Rodriguez (1-for-3, 1 run). Could someone please get Clint Hurdle his medication? He’s a danger to himself and fantasy baseballers while his judgement does some serious lapses around the cuckoo pool.
Drew Pomeranz – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. So annoyed I didn’t draft Pomeranz in any deep leagues. It was so obvious that he was going to get into the rotation and succeed. Ipso drafto!
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer as he led the Padres to a huge offensive outburst with eight runs. Padres should’ve never said a million dollars to every lucky fan who sees the team score at least eight runs. Lucky for them, no one watched the game.
Cory Spangenberg – Hit the DL with a quad strain. Alexei Amarista and Adam Rosales should fill-in for him. God forbid the Padres call up Jose Pirela or any sort of prospect. On a side note, doesn’t the name Spangenberg sound like a bad euphemism for sex? “Doode, you Spangenberg’d Janice from HR? You totally Spangenberg’d her, didn’t you?”
Tyson Ross – Headed for an MRI on his shoulder. Always a good sign when a pitcher goes for an MRI two weeks after hitting the DL with a shoulder issue.
Julio Teheran – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.64. Won’t be long now until Trump gets rid of everyone with a Muslimy-sounding last name and Teheran is gone. No foolsies, it would have to be a pretty deep league where I held onto Teheran.
Daniel Castro – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal. I grabbed Castro in one NL-Only league, because between Olivera’s suspension and the rest of their good-for-nothing team, there’s no reason to not play Castro. Nothing really here for shallower leagues, talking like a 4-homer/7-steal-type. Basically, a one-armed Yunel Escobar.
Yasmani Grandal – 2-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting .400. Whatever, d’arnaud doesn’t get caught up in collecting hits, runs, RBIs and otherworldly possessions.
Tyler White – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Since I own White and not A.J. Reed, I hope White continues to hit. I do think there’s a chance Reed or White go to third, and they both play.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Fister gave up that Odor blast. Eww.
Domingo Santana – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. #firstplaceteamproblems, but I wouldn’t mind if Domingo hit sixth instead of leadoff. He’s more of a badonkadonker, than a speed guy.
Chris Carter – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .261. I don’t like wishing I owned Carter everywhere instead of Todd Frazier.
Aaron Hill – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (1) and legs (2). Hill must’ve picked up momentum as he was going down.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. I do like Rosario more than his own family, but he’s hitting a dyslexic Snoop .178.
Oswaldo Arcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I’ve told you to pick up Arcia about three times in the last three roundups. Don’t make me come back here!
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. I was thisclose to saying not to draft him this year, glad I didn’t. By the by, you can’t get closer than ‘this’ directly bordering ‘close.’
Michael Saunders – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Okay, I get it, you’re comfortable hitting leadoff. Well, la di da!
Joey Rickard – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .327. I thought Rickard might be pumpkin’ing out like Jeremy Hazelbaker, but could have a little left in the carriage.
Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 0 ER, but said he’s dealing with a mechanical issue. Go to Pep Boys!
Ian Kennedy – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.35. I am removing the giant novelty clock from around my neck. I am done fighting the power. I grabbed Kennedy for this start, and I’m holding him like a 1950s pinup. In fact, I’m even magic marker’ing on a mole.
Jarrod Dyson – 0-for-3 and his 1st steal. SAGNOF!
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.00. I don’t know, man, I saw Orel Hershiser with his scoreless inning streak on Shark Tank and he had a provisional patent.
Francisco Rodriguez – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA up to 7.11, a terrible day in America’s history. K-Rod gave up two solo homers (Alex Gordon 2-for-4; Salvador Perez 3-for-3), and looks every bit his age. Justin Wilson, behind him, has been lights out, but I have a feeling unless K-Rod is injured he’s not going to be replaced without stringing together many blown saves.
Chris Archer – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 7.32. Wow, I didn’t expect exactly as great a season as last year, but I figured I’d get sorta the same season as last year. Either my definition of sorta is wildly different than Archer’s or he’s messing with me. To that I say, stop messing with me! On the serious, you can’t start Archer until you see a decent game from him. He had the best slider in baseball last year; this year it’s near last. Without a slider, he’s Chris Broken Arrow.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .227. Be interesting (not interesting) to see what Dickerson does this year without Coors. It’s not completely analogous because he has the Ghost of Prospect Jennings behind him instead of CarGo, and he has 2016 Longoria in front of him now vs 2009 Longoria in Colorado.
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-4, run, which comes a day after he homered. Hot schmotato alert!
Henry Owens – Likely to take Kelly’s rotation spot, which I’m told is a fantastic thing, but I’m told that by someone with a “Elect Mike Greenwell for Hall of Fame or Congress” t-shirt. In mixed leagues, I’m not touching Owens until I see something worthwhile from a guy who had a 4.57 ERA last year in the majors.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-3, 2 runs. Left yesterday’s game with a tight quad, but should be fine going forward. Brock Holt took over for Bogaerts at short. Though, Schilling said Holt should still use the outfielder bathroom.
Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Rays. The Stream-o-Nator liked this start yesterday, and loves his next start. It’s vs. the Braves, who made me ‘fraid after I streamed Wood on Tuesday, but I would stream Porcello.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-3, 3 funs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (3). I so wanna get excited about Betts. Like I’m dyin’ over here to get excited about Betts. Please fulfill my fantasies of baseball.
Tim Lincecum – Nearing a showcase with teams. I bet he’d love it if the Rockies signed him. *makes smoking joint motion with fingers*
Welington Castillo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Where’s the boeuf?!
Zack Greinke – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 5.25. Well, things couldn’t have gotten much worse. *looks at Archer’s line* Okay, they could’ve.
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.91. Since his first start, Chen has looked better, and I’d continue to be optimistic he can be a safe starter. That’s me weighing in on Wei-Yin.
Michael Taylor – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and his 2nd homer in the last five games. Still only hitting .185, but I’d grab him now before Taylor goes H.A.M.
Joe Ross – Left yesterday’s game after two scoreless innings with a blister on his middle finger. His fantasy owners who lost a Game Start due to that have a middle finger for him.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks vs. the lifeless Angels. I think I might know what the problem is with the Angels, they’re using their ghost bats.
Tyler Saladino – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. But what about spring training MVP, Jimmy Rollins?!
Adam Eaton – 1-for-3 and his 1st steal. This is a good opportunity to point out the problem with Eaton. No, this isn’t a setup for a diabetes joke. Diabetes is no laughing matter. Unless we’re talking about Pablo Sandoval, Bartolo or Matt Adams. No, the problem with Eaton is he hits well (.327 so far) but he doesn’t fill any other fantasy categories with authority.
Andrelton Simmons – 0-for-4 as he hit 2nd. Angels must be practicing safe sex, because they have a defensive specialist in their two hole.
