Miles Mikolas (8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.62) or Paul Goldschmidt (6-for-8, 4 runs, 8 RBIs, and his 14th, 15th and 16th homer)? Which one do I talk about first?! What’s on 2nd? I don’t know. Third base! Au Shizz went Au Shizz three times in yesterday’s doubleheader. He’s hitting .349 on the year. He’s challenging Aaron Judge for the top of the Player Rater–Okay, not Judge, but the top 5? Yes, siree, Bob. “I’m sorry, Grey, I need more info on what Bob you want to call.” Siree! Not Siri! “Chillax, phonedaddy.” Shut up, Siri! Au Shizz is capping one of the best decades we’ve seen in baseball over the last ten years. As for Miles Mikolas, I literally turned on his no-hit bid as the Calm Itchell double was landing in center. Hey, am I starring in the fictional version of The Jinx as the young, and more handsome Robert Durst? “Kill them all…Why did I say that? Maybe I can say I was saying my favorite Metallica album?” While Mikolas isn’t quite this good — 7 .2 K/9, 1.8 BB/9, 3.72 xFIP — he’s capable of one of those 3.00-ish ERA seasons, or better, as he’s done once in his career already. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jack Flaherty – Will start on Wednesday vs. the Pirates. He’s thrown seven innings this year in the minors, so color me a bit perplexed. The only reason I can see this happening is if the Cards think he’s 100% or less than 10% but he doesn’t realize it, and they want him to see for himself. The Cards are like, “Hey, you wanna smoke cigarettes? Fine, go into that closet and finish this pack.”

Steven Matz – Had his second anti-inflammatory injection in his shoulder. Next one is free.

Giovanny Gallegos – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.92, as he got his 9th save, as Ryan Helsley (2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.36) set him up. Long, rueful sigh. I think there might be something to a guy named Marmol not knowing what to do in the 9th.

Matthew Liberatore – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Solid spot start, but, let me stress one more time, “spot.”

Brendan Donovan – 5-for-9, 4 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .328. Cards *clapping hand emoji* create *clapping hand emoji* players.

Jason Delay – 0-for-2 as he made his major league debut. To really get the message through to Oneil Cruz, the Pirates are setting up the double play of Service, Time to Delay.

Ozzie Albies – Was placed on the 60-day IL. I knew it was coming, but to read it gave me a little heart attack all over again, so I thought I’d pass that heart palpitation on to you. Orlando Arcia (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) will fill-in and he homered (2nd) in Albies’s stead. That blessed stead!

Travis d’Arnaud – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd in as many games. If it feels like deja vu, it’s not a glitch in the Matrix. Also, hitting homers two games in a row were his teammates, hot schmotato, Michael Harris II (3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer); Dansby Swanson (1-for-4 and his 9th homer) and Marcell Ozuna (2-for-4, 12th homer). Mean’s while, I have Acuña, Olson and Albies. Things are great, thanks!

Max Fried – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.90. Kinda of a shizz start vs. a shizzy team, but at least he got thru enough for the win. Do you hear that, Ian Anderson?!

Jacob deGrom – Threw a 30-pitch bullpen session. So, next step is a handful of rehab starts, figure six, that takes three to four weeks, depending on how long it takes to stretch him out. That takes us to July 24th for his return date, and when he can re-injure himself in a MLB game.

Chris Bassitt – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.89. After a rough month, it’s nice to see Bassitt do what he’s supposed to do. Now do that again for another 3 months and we good.

Jesus Aguilar – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, and third homer on the road trip, and when Jesus gets hot, pitchers will have hell to pay.

Avisail Garcia – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I guess his hand is feeling okay. Must’ve been all that tender-loving-care from Prince Fielder’s wife.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer. Maybe it’s the team but he reminds me of a young Hanley. Jazz says he grew up trying to emulate him too. *checks Jazz’s service time* Jazz should be able to play for the Red Sox too, in roughly 26 months.

Rhys Hoskins – 4-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. He’s hitting near-.350 in the last two weeks, and has eleven homers in the last month. Rhysus saves! Unlike…

Seranthony Dominguez – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.88, who entered the 7th inning. I’ve been saying it’s Hand’s job *makes jerk-off motion* if Knebel can’t throw, but I’m also just guessing. For what it’s Cronenworth, Corey Knebel (0 IP, 3 unearned) blew his 4th save, and didn’t look like he could, ya know, throw.

Liam Hendriks – Hit the IL with a forearm strain. Grimacing emoji in a hospital bed being attended to by John Lithgow who is dressed as a nurse from The World According to Garp. Not great news, guys and five lady readers! Well, if Liam’s dead for the year, I know who can bury him. If Liam is throwing back on the bench like a Wonderwall, then Graveman could be a top five closer. Yes, grab Kendall Graveman in all leagues.

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 0 ER (1 unearned run), 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Is it me (it’s not me) or does Cease give up more unearned runs than anyone?

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.33. He was even able to limit the damage by Ji-Man Choi (1-for-4). Ya know, Choi’s a Chevy Volt, because he’s a Cole killer.

Corey Kluber – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.50. You know what I’m gonna say: Streamonator.

J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .345. Hmm, 345 upside down on a calculator is SHE and this is Just Dong?! Hmm, hmm, HMM! ACKSUALLY, I was looking at the Player Rater yesterday, and Just Dong is doing more than Just Dong’ing. He’s a top 50 player.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .332. I love Red Sox hitters. They’re like the only team left that hits for average. Guess it doesn’t hurt there’s a giant wall to doink off of that’s 175 feet away.

Nick Pivetta – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.50. I remember in the preseason I said something like, “Everyone wanted Pivetta for years, then he actually is good last year and no one wants him this year. I don’t get it.” And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Stephen Vogt – 1-for-1 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Is it time to *pinkie to mouth* rock the Vogt?

Fernando Tatis Jr. – CT scan didn’t show level of healing that would allow him to swing a bat. Excuse me, I’m gonna go hitchhike to hell to tell off the devil, see ya soon!

Luke Voit – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Willson Contreras – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer. As he trotted around the bases, he mimed, “Call me,” and held a sign with his agent’s number.

Sean Manaea – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.95. The Wrigley wind was blowing out, and that info did me no good in weekly and deep leagues. Lowercase yay.

Tyler Mahle – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.46, as he threw 119 pitches. Not sure why he was sent out there for so many pitches, maybe Dumb Bell isn’t so dumb after all, but that would make his name hard to explain. I had Mikolas, Mahle and Bassitt going in so many leagues. Daddy likes positive regression.

Kris Bubic – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 8.36. Fun fact! He calls the strike zone, the Bubic region.

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.43 in 112 pitches. For one random night in June, managers forgot to take their pitchers out.

Joe Ryan – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.81, as he was activated from the IL. That was almost as bad as Ben Affleck’s Jack Ryan.

Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA 2.22. Yes, you have to draft Scherzer, deGrom, Cole, Burnes, Woodruff, or one of those top guys. No other way to win!

Ty France – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .322. Why, my good man, that’s a French fly!

Nathaniel Lowe – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in five games, and I’ve already put him in this week’s Buy column that will be up on the Patreon later today, and Friday on the site.

Dane Dunning – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 4 BBs, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.04. Streamonator loves his next start, which means LET’S DO THIS! Sorry, I yelled.

Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Chazz Noir riding side saddle around the bases on a Boston Robotics dog, waving and explaining to the crowd, “Dick Monfort bought it for me out of SkyMall.”

Tony Gonsolin – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.42. He must be wearing some serious mismatched outfits to keep the Regression Fairies away. Gonsolin’s gotta give up like 19 runs in 1/3 IP to even come close to the amount of regression he’s missing.

Noah Syndergaard – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Syndergaard comes off like a guy who would make fun of someone who was pulled at 82 pitches in only 4 2/3 IP. Check out the mirror, bro.

Anthony Rendon – Exited last night’s game because he re-aggravated the right wrist injury that he just returned from, after missing a couple of weeks. Is Anthony Rendon made of glass? Coming up after the break our experts weigh in!

Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and as I type this all I can see in my peripheral vision is Gabriel Moreno had three hits. I’m going to make some rookie nookie mistakes, aren’t I?

Yusei Kikuchi – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.80. Welp, we’ve reached the point where even if the Streamonator likes him, I can’t start him.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – Will have elbow surgery, and miss the rest of the season. Yu? Good. Ryu? Not good. Meandyou? We’re okay, but I got my eye on you.

Austin Hays – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting .291. He’s hitting sixty-three points higher than Juan Soto. I will now cackle until I’m taken away in a straitjacket.

Ryan Mountcastle – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .262. The Baltimore Baseball Club, the BBC, will now be airing the next episode of Mountcastle without commercials. Brought to you by Sainsbury’s. We’re here for your groceries, even though you don’t know how to cook.