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Just once
Can we figure out what we keep doin’ wrong
Why our players never last for very long
What are we doin’ wrong?
Just once
Can we find a way to finally make it right
Make the magic last for more than just one night
We could just get to it
I know I just got back India but what did the Fantasy Baseball Overlord do to it
Hmm hmm
Just once

*sobbing uncontrollably* Make the magic last for just one night. Just once–Jesus effin’ Christmas tree lights up in October what are we doing? This is not right!? Ozzie Albies? Seriously? A fractured foot? Ozzie Albies’s feet should only be discussed on some weird subreddit. Ess oh BEEEEE! So, Orlando Arcia should see more playing time while Albies is out, my guess is for at least six weeks. I hate this. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Anderson – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.81. He was up four-love and, boy, is this guy useless. Nice knowing you, Jethro Tull!

Adam Duvall – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. I am once again telling you to pick up Duvall everywhere.

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. OZUNA been cold. OZUNA heat up. OZUNA wear mittens instead of batting gloves.

Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer. The French Terminator said, “I’m back back back back,” as he imitated the baseball.

Michael Harris II – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .293. II hits I.

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. Nothing, that’s what Matt Olson did, if you were curious.

Stephen Strasburg – Hit the IL. I put his over/under at 50 IP. Prolly should’ve put it at 5 IP.

Lane Thomas – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting near-.400 in June with four homers. Yes, you should pick him up. Yes, even on your team.

Lance Lynn – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, as he was activated from the IL. That’s right, the King of the Purposeful Crotch Grab is back. The guy who looks like he removes tomatoes from burgers, because they have too much nutrition. The guy you see and think, “I’m glad Smell-a-Vision isn’t yet a thing.” The guy with the athletic build of a beanbag. He’s a sentient pile of hair clippings with a McRib balanced on top. Lance Lynn is a favorite of mine, because he’s usually able to go deep into games and manages to be respectable for fantasy. A workhorse (that only eats carrots with BBQ sauce). Hopefully, he’s more stretched out next time.

Yasmani Grandal – Hit the IL with back spasms. White Sox are your 54-year-old uncle who gets out of bed and pulls a muscle.

Michael Kopech – Had his knee drained and La Russa said he could return for Saturday’s start. Oh…*treks up to the top of Machu Picchu*…kay. By the by, if I were ever at Machu Picchu, I’d sing, “Machu Machu man,” until the people of Peru asked me to leave.

Liam Hendriks – Has arm stiffness. We need a separate post just for White Sox injuries. White Sox saves will have one foot in the Graveman, until Hendriks is fine. It does sound like Hendriks will be okay, but this is from the team that’s draining Kopech’s knee and saying he’s good to go.

Jake Burger – Left the game with a bruised hand. I’d think Burger would braise his hand.

Jose Abreu – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. El Grande Dolor! Member that? Yeah, he’s not that anymore.

Eduardo Rodriguez – Placed on restricted list for a personal matter. Ed-Rod’s had a two-year run just about as bad as anyone, and this is a post including Strasburg.

Willi Castro – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Miguel Cabrera leads the Tigers with 20 RBIs. He’s on pace for the same number of RBIs that Jose Ramirez currently has (59).

Rony Garcia – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.06. Listen, girl, the truth about a Rony, he’s a sweet little boy. You can treat him right, real nice and hold him tight. Only Ronys can give a special love. A special kind of love that makes you feel good inside.

Kris Bryant – Close to increasing baseball activity. Great, he’ll be spitting sunflower seeds next, and not just saliva.

Oneil Cruz – Could be close to coming up to the majors, or rather the Pirates’ Quad-A team.

Michael Chavis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. That he’s hitting cleanup should be a trapdoor trigger for Ben Cherington to fall into an infinity-deep hole.

Diego Castillo – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Apparently, Diego hits best when he’s got the hot breath of Oneil Cruz on his neck.

Mitch Keller – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.07. Mention this on the podcast this week, that will be out shortly — you can also watch BDon and I on the podcast now on our Youtube channel, that’s right there’s video, click subscribe please — Keller was supposedly taught a sinker by Clay Holmes, the Yanks’ closer-slash-former-Pirates-pitcher. Honestly, I don’t know if it’s just a nice narrative or not, but he does have three straight decent starts. By the by, I say “decent” when I can’t say Quality.

Dylan Carlson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I don’t even care that I removed him from my weekly lineup to squeeze in India. I can’t be deflated! India’s returning!

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .335. Au Shizz!

Ryan Helsley – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 5th save, ERA at 0.37. If he could just get a few saves in a week’s time, that would be so nice. I swear, though, it feels like he gets one save every two weeks.

Sandy Alcantara – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.68 vs. Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.42. After Nola threw 107 pitches, Sandy stayed in the game for 113 pitches, as they both competed in an old fashioned game of, well, baseball.

Jon Berti – 2-for-4 runs and his 12th steal, hitting .278. SAGNOF, learn it, embrace it, live it, that order.

Alek Manoah – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.67. Manoah, Sandy, then everyone else. Sorry, that’s confusing. I’m talking about his mom, just writing her last name first.

Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, as the Jays exploded for 17 hits. Teoscar, if the O’s pitching can’t start you up, then we might need to send you for new contacts or glue.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Don’t look now — not literally, remove the hand from your face — Cake Batter has six homers in June.

Yu Darvish – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.35. Anyone who rostered Darvish last year seeing what he’s doing now? Are you as absolutely peed-off as me?

Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and six homers in the last eight days. When he gets hot, he’s like the guy on the cover of that Pink Floyd album.

Cristian Javier – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Early on he wasn’t missing bats, but he was causing weak contact, then, later on, he started missing some bats. In the end, he looked pretty good again. Obviously there’s gonna be a lot of up and down from Javier. Within one game, there’s some up and down with him.

Taylor Hearn – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.37. I looked up Hearn on the Streamonator and it said, “Are you joking?”

Jakob Junis – Will be sidelined for 4-6 weeks with a hamstring strain. Junis’s timetable looking more like July/Augustis.

Alex Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.11 vs. Brady Singer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.24. This matchup was billed as, “I need a two-start starter, and here goes nothing.”

Christian Walker – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Walker’s gonna be approaching 40 homers and people are still gonna be like, “Grey, handsome face, do you think I should pick up Walker?”

Merrill Kelly – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.68. Why, pray tell, can’t regression come when he’s facing a good team in an away park? Why must it be vs. the Reds at home when I’m starting him?

Jonathan India – Activated from the IL. Why didn’t he start? Because the Reds’ manager is Dumb Bell. Let’s just be thankful. India’s supposedly ready for Tuesday’s game. When I heard that initially, I literally fell out of my chair, hit my head and woke up thinking I was in Bombay, screaming, “Which leg of The Amazing Race is this?!”

Brandon Drury – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. I feel like Stan Gable in Revenge of the Nerds, when he realizes they’re licking his pie. Those Reds’ 2nd baseman HRs are supposed to be mine from India!

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he was activated. For years now, Mostsuckass has been a turd, after a charcoal milkshake, that sinks to the bottom of the bowl and won’t ever flush, then, when you finally manage to knock it loose, it leaves a black streak that stains the bowl forever. But, unhappy with being told there’s nothing you can do for the stain, you try to remove the stain from your toilet and manage to drown yourself. That’s Mostsuckass.