Marcell Ozuna went 0-for-4 yesterday after being recalled on Saturday. OZUNA glad to be back in Miami. OZUNA miss friends, weather and vomiting unicorn statue in center field. OZUNA promise to hit more powerful home runs. OZUNA fix holes in swing. If need be, OZUNA use cricket bat with flat barrel. OZUNA not sure it called barrel. OZUNA would call paddle. OZUNA hit well in minors, .317 with five home runs in 33 games. OZUNA thought gone longer than 33 games. OZUNA mind like Plato’s cave. OZUNA get confused about linear time. OZUNA think Matrix is documentary. OZUNA take red pill. OZUNA was offered two red pills as his “eye-opener to alternate reality” was “out of blue pills.” OZUNA see pitch in slow motion in 360 degrees. OZUNA say whoa. OZUNA thank you for your time. So, Ozuna’s back and worth a pick up. No, I have no idea what he’s capable of in the final six weeks, other than maybe some power. It’s an upside flyer that’s worth taking in every league. Like blue pill? Yes, OZUNA. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Christian Yelich – Hit the DL with a knee contusion. He just needs to take some Robitusion.
Adam Wainwright – Nearing mound work. Don’t they have a grounds crew for that?
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers. Guess home runs he now has. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *taps finger, sees toothpick-constructed Twin Towers in hamster cage, pokes hamster with spare toothpick to ‘Man on Wire’ its way across toothpick Twin Towers, hamster won’t budge* He only has 11 homers! Crazy, right? I know he hasn’t shown much power, and I even own him in one league, but I thought he had at least 15 homers. C’est le meh.
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. When will the next come? Piscotty doesn’t know!
Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 1 ER (4 unearned run for the box scare), 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.59. Honestly, I own C-Mart in a league too deep to not start him, and I kinda hope the Cardinals shut him down before shizz goes too pear-shaped.
Masahiro Tanaka – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.56. It feels like there’s two schools of thought out there for Tanaka. One school is on the same page as me with Tanaka, they understand he has a torn elbow tendon and is not to be trusted. Then there’s a school of Masahiro, which is similar to Montessori, where all warning signs are ignored and the kids can learn at their own pace.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. Everything you get from Ellsbury now is icing, because if you drafted Ellsbury, you’re likely drowning your sorrows with cake.
Luis Severino – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the 1927 Blue Jays in Toronto. Line vs. actual performance were pretty far apart for yesterday’s game. He looked dirty, filthy, adjective. Blue Jays manager said, “That’s as good an arm as I’ve seen all year,” regarding Severino. He made one mistake to Bautista, when he should’ve been out of the inning if it wasn’t for Beltran trying to catch a fly ball while switching from his reading glasses to his regular ones. Not convinced Severino won’t be without his iffy moments due to his inexperience, but on pure stuff, I was impressed.
Drew Hutchison – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.06, but has been a clear-cut homeschooler this year with an ERA in Toronto at 2.57. You’re likely thinking to yourself how high is Cousin Fastpitch’s away ERA if his home ERA is that low? It’s kinda comical it’s so bad. In 51 away innings, he’s given up 51 earned runs. Ouchison.
Felix Hernandez – 2 1/3 IP, 10 ER. Wow. I was planning on telling everyone to avoid F-Her next year, but I was kinda hoping he would’ve been overrated when I did it. Hayzeus Cristo, the Red Sox scored all of their runs for the season on Saturday. If the Red Sox would’ve scored 22 runs a game this year, they still would’ve lost sixty games.
Robinson Cano – 5-for-7, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .274. Next year, Sano or Cano? Who gets drafted first? Real question.
Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers. Happy Days are here again for The Big FraGu! For a cameo appearance, at least.
Carson Smith – 2 IP, 2 ER and his 3rd blown save, ERA at 2.92. There’s something about Smith failing that feels much worse than Fernando Rodney because by Smith failing it indirectly makes Lloyd Christmas McClendon look correct.
Hanley Ramirez – Will remain out of the lineup until at least Tuesday, which is awesome because he was supposed to return last Tuesday and now has sit in my weekly lineup for a week having done nothing, and seems poised to do the same again this week. Lowercase yay!
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-5, 1 run and two homers on Saturday, because, as previously mentioned on the aforementioned tip, the Red Sox scored boku runs on Saturday. JBJ went 5-for-6, 5 runs, 7 RBIs on Saturday. He didn’t even have time to walk! He hit one homer off F-Her and then one off of a Mariners’ catcher, Sucre. Sweet! On Saturday, JBJ did everything but adequately fill-in for an assassinated JFK.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. He passed Bumgarner for about two hours then Bum hit his 4th homer later on Sunday. This is becoming a bigger deal than McGwire vs. Sosa vs. Maris.
Rusney Castillo – 2-for-6 and his 4th homer, and, of course, he homered on Saturday too, because everyone did on the Sawx, even The Bleb. It’s hard to tell who is hot when everyone hits, but Rusney seems to be hot beyond the Saturday shellacking.
Sonny Gray – Cleared to start on Monday. Hey, that’s today. What a coinkadink!
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. You know what he’s doing right? He’s doing just enough so next year people are like, “Grey, your mustache is my Sistine Chapel, but what do you think about Lawrie to finally breakout?” I wouldn’t count on Lawrie to breakout even after rubbing his face with greasy fingers and eating chocolate.
Kendall Graveman – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Fair to say Graveman was buried.
Chris Bassitt – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.60. This was a tougher matchup than his previous ones, coming in Camden Yards where they measure homers in feet. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, but I have to disagree, I’d start Bassitt in every league for his next one.
Chris Davis – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and two homers on Saturday (33, 34). I traded Jeurys to Sky for Davis about two months ago. In 231 ABs on my team, Davis has 22 homers and hitting .294. *blows on knuckles, rubs knuckles on shirt, realizes I had ink on my knuckles* Dammit, this was my good hypercolor shirt!
Gerardo Parra – 5-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his 2nd homer in two days. Yesterday, the O’s exploded for massive runs like the entire team took in a Mexican buffet. Parra looks like he’s coming out of his early funk after being traded to Baltimore and I’d look at owning him again if someone dropped him.
Adam Jones – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homer. Eight more and I’d be over the moon like the gaffer on the soundstage where Neil Armstrong touched down.
Caleb Joseph – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .255. I won’t point out how you would’ve been better off with Joseph than Wieters. I’ll only point it out while saying I won’t point it out.
Matt Shoemaker – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER and sent to Triple-A. In case one of his owners fell into a coma from watching his continuous drubbings, please, do everyone a favor, and pull the plug for them and drop Shoemaker from their team.
Hector Santiago – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.86 vs. Yordano Ventura 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.82. Two guys whose season ERAs should be exactly opposite. But should is such a bossy word. Then again, so is Yordano.
Aramis Ramirez – 4-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer on Saturday. Heyward has less homers than Aramis? That stinks! Every definition of Aramis applies.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, that was his third homer in the last week, and he’s only owned in 51% of ESPN leagues. Technically, owned in too many leagues for a hot schmotato, but Technics are for Kool DJ Red Alert.
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .270. He only has 31 games played this year. so he could’ve hit 25 homers if he stayed healthy. Tell that to your fantasy league commissioner on why you insist on an asterisk on the league champion’s virtual trophy.
Chase Utley – Didn’t start yesterday, but had a home run on Saturday, after a four-hit night on Friday. “So, you’re saying I have a chance of getting off of the Phils? Just tell me what I have to do,” said Utley with the determination of Harrison Ford in Air Force One.
Taylor Jungmann – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.23. J.B. got married this past weekend, and he had three groomsmen, a best man and a Jungmann. I think we know how he’d rank them. I would use the Stream-o-Nator for Jungmann, and it hates his next, so I wouldn’t be afraid of dropping him.
Ryan Braun – 1-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 21st homer, a grand salami, which in the shtetl is also called a Hebrew Hammer, which is also Braun’s nickname. Coincidence? I don’t know.
Patrick Corbin – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Don’t think it’s going to be completely clear sailing, but I do think he’s worth the occasional choppy ocean like Jackie Chan in a kayak.
Rubby de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. Wow, I can’t believe I got away with that Double Down without dying a slow death or diabetes.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer, and now looks to be hot schmotato’ing after getting two hits the last three days. I mentioned this on Friday after saying to drop Maybin. Sometimes guys get hot and dropping becomes picking upping (totally a phrase!).
Shelby Miller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 2.43. I’m pretty sure The Regression Fairies would’ve did a ronde jambe all over my ratios if I had a starter give up four walks. Sometimes you get Regression Fairies’ horns, sometimes you get this bull.
Drew Smyly – 4 IP, 5 ER as he returned from the DL. Wipe that Smyly off your face! I’d own Smyly in many deeper leagues, but I would not start him against anyone, until I saw a decent outing. In shallow leagues, I’d use The Emoticon as a streamer.
Chris Archer – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.93. Okay, but you know what his ERA would be if you cherrypicked out this start?
Ryan Strausborger – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer. Brilliant idea alert! We should do a league next year where you draft names. For instance, you draft Jordan Zimmermann and you get him and Ryan Zimmerman. You draft Ryan Braun and you also get Ryan Braun, the middle reliever. You draft Strasburg and you also get Strausborger. Draft a Beltre? Get both Engel and Adrian! Someone make this happen.
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Ha, he has the same amount of homers as Heyward! Oofa! More like Adrain. Amiright?
Derek Holland – Expects to start on Wednesday for the Rangers. Here’s a real short breakdown of my feelings on this: I wouldn’t own him if he were healthy all year. Shorter: don’t own. Shortest: Altuve.
Chris Rusin – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. The game came in Coors. Wow! It came against the Padres. Lowercase wow. I sure is glad I streamed me some Padres hitters this weekend! I have no idea why I’m talking like Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Daisy, I blame the Padres for that too.
Denard Span – Will begin a rehab assignment. If he can ward off his back pain, he could be back on the field for the Nats within a week, which would cause issues for Michael Taylor. Jay subbed for JB on today’s podcast, that’s coming later today, and we discuss Taylor at length (and width, when we’re in that area).
Madison Bumgarner – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.98 and pitchslapped Casey Janssen for his 4th homer, as previously mentioned above. This was a matchup the Giants are hoping for in the playoffs. Unfortch, the Nats don’t even look like they’re gonna make it that far. Don’t worry, the 3rd year after they rushed to shutdown Strasburg, which ended up doing no good, is totally their year!
Joe Ross – 4 IP, 4 ER, and 2nd poor start in a row. “Hey, Fister, clean off from your knuckles to your elbow, we’re gonna need you.”
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks and pitchslapped Anthony DeSclafani (6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.72) for his 2nd homer. You have a long way to go to catch Bumgarner and Bogaerts! Greinke’s ERA is down to 1.58. Somewhere, Bob Gibson’s telling someone they should lower the mounds.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer. Ya know, his minor league numbers don’t read like he’s gonna be Chris Carter, but he sure is acting like it.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Twins. Before this game, I was like, “Damn, will he strike out 17 or 18 with a 9-inning complete game shutout or a ten-inning CG, due to a lack of offense from the Indians?” This is why I don’t bet on baseball, except for my Reds bet to win the World Series in January, which now sounds like it’s so crazy it was made by Bernie Sanders’s hair. The Reds have a better shot of winning a World Series of Poker.
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite! After he homered on Thursday, I told you he always hits another home run soon thereafter. Sure, soon thereafter is about as vague as when you write a Facebook status update like, “Damn, I can’t believe that just happened.” Stop with the cries for attention, just say what happened!
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 4.11. Big Magoo wrote a post the other day about his Verlander fantasy and why he should be given another chance. It was persuasive enough for me to think he should be owned in deeper mixed leagues, and even gambled on in shallower leagues.
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, after returning on Friday without a rehab assignment. That’s like when you aced your calculus exam after sleeping through the entire semester. Of course, you downloaded the exam off yourteacherusesthesameexameveryyear.com and studied off that.
Tyler Collins – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Looks to be a light schmotato, but also is a platoon guy, so you need to move him in and out of your fantasy lineup. What a chore!
Lance McCullers – Could rejoin the rotation next weekend after being demoted a few weeks ago. Since he was demoted, he hasn’t started in any games, has just thrown on the side. Yeah, that sounds like a guy I want on my teams. Hmm, where’s the sarcastic font when I need it?
George Springer – Expected to resume swinging a bat soon. Bats are one creature that freak me out. With their beady eyes and webbed– *intern whispers in my ear* Oh. Yeah, sounds good for Springer.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 and two solo homers (16, 17), hitting .239. I swear, I yawned while writing this blurb. Enough said. Or nuff as they say in texting.
Mike Fiers – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.87. The Stream-o-Nator has a big ol’ crush on Fiers (maybe it’s a pyromaniac), but I’m not feeling him anymore. He’s been way too flaky all year like C.J. Wilson’s scalp.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 15 Ks, ERA at 3.32, emerging from the worst stretch of his career (July ERA was 4.19 — even had a 6.39 ERA in August prior to yesterday). It might be confirmation bias but Sale seems to have more huge games than any other pitcher. More than Kershaw or Scherzer. He also seems to get hit more than them, but when he’s locked in, there’s no one quite as nasty. Maybe that guy sitting next to you on the subway. He’s pretty nasty.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-3 and his 22nd homer. You know what other first round draft pick has 22 homers that I’ve been waiting to get hot all year? His name rhymes with Madam Mjones. Love for Abreu to turn these final weeks inside out and rip off the tag.
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. I still agree with July Grey that Melky should be owned, but eight homers on the year? You can’t be cereal, Melky?
Alexei Ramirez – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. You see the White Sox lineup now and you’re like, “How did I ever think they’d be good in March? Hmm, I should likely answer that question myself since I’m talking to my Ken Griffey Starting Lineup figure. I hope that girl didn’t just see me talking to myself. And, yes, she did. Great.”
Emilio Bonifacio – Designated for assignment. Emily Goodface’s assignment will be to write a strongly-worded letter to the editor of Woman’s World about the social repercussions of releasing Harper Lee’s Go Set a Watchman, which finds Atticus Finch twenty years after To Kill A Mockingbird and he has become racist and dislikes birds of any type, especially black ones and Latino ones and Asian birds.