Domingo Santana (1-for-5 with a grand slam) is already in beast mode. That beast is a dingo, emphasis on ding, as in dinger, and you can’t spell Domingo without dong, but this dingo eats dongs not babies, and I’ve got smoke coming out my ears….We have real baseball! Then, tomorrow we won’t have real baseball again for a week. MLB is so crackers it’s staying at the Ritz by the water, Cheez-it, Mary and Joseph! “Happy Opening Day two days later,” said the Time Zone to the Baseball Fan. I can’t wait to see how Mike Fiers (3 IP, 5 ER) and Marco Gonzales (6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks) react to pitching in a game, then taking a 56-hour plane flight home to pitch again in a week. Their combined 89 MPH fastballs are gonna have some jet lag. Hopefully, their elbows won’t. The Stream-o-Nator wasn’t thrilled with either pitcher, and neither was great. Yes, the Stream-o-Nator is back! The only real takeaway I have from these games is the A’s are at least thinking similarly to me, and that Ramon Laureano (0-for-5, 3 Ks) is the best man for the A’s leadoff job. I’ll toast to that! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:
Matt Chapman – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Move him way up your board! Kidding, I meant, I’m bored with overreacting off of one game (two by the time you read this). If Chapman hits three homers in the 2nd game, still need to chill. Easy to blow things out of proportion with small sample sizes, i.e., keep it in your pants for a few games, preferably a few weeks.
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He felt like a forgotten man in drafts this year after putting together a top 30 outfielder season last year. Any ideas why? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!
Khris Davis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run, hitting .250. Headed for a career year in batting average!
Tim Beckham – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. It’s as good a time as any to point out the dimensions of Tokyo Dome. They are *googles* 12 acres. Hunh. That’s not to say I don’t like Tim Beckham late. I do, and I own him in a few leagues.
Hunter Strickland – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. Saw him being faded a lot in drafts. Not entirely sure why. “Are the tenets of SAGNOF being broken?” Which I said while wearing a karate robe.
Justus Sheffield – Optioned to Triple-A. That was to be expected, because the MLB is broke and more people are worried about starting clocks than the original Big Ben.
Kyle Seager – Out until June with surgery on his left hand tendon. I wonder if the Seagers are starring in their own O. Henry story called, “The Gift of the Injured Guy.” Kyle was updated in the top 20 3rd basemen. Ryon Healy is already in the top 20 1st basemen, for what it’s Werth. He’s the new man at the hot corner in Seattle. Well, I guess, since it’s Seattle, it’s hot and wet. Let’s just call it the moist corner.
Michael Fulmer – Headed for Tommy John surgery. Last week, he was shut down to work on his mechanics. Apparently, Fulmer’s move to Monaco to work on Formula 1 didn’t work out, and now he’s out for 14 months. Bummer that all of these guys I would never draft are getting hurt before suckers can draft them.
Ji-Man Choi – Rays said he will be the primary 1st baseman. Methinks this goes like this: Choi is the Rays’ 1st baseman, then, three days into the season, Choi’s being benched. I don’t buy a word that comes out of the Rays’ mouth about guys who should be platooned not being platooned.
Maikel Franco – By popular demand, I moved Maikel way up the top 20 3rd basemen post so now he’s a recommended buy, but still not in the top 200 overall. How’s dem apples? Granny Smith! Jokes to the left, clowns to the right, and I still don’t love Maikel, but I guess I’d draft him.
Andrew McCutchen – Kapler said McCutchen will bat leadoff, which is as good for McCutchen as it’s bad for Cesar. “Welcome back….third of the lineup, Cesar!” I updated my projections at the top 40 outfielders for McCutchen, and the top 20 2nd basemen for Cesar.
Mike Foltynewicz – Will miss start of the season, due to his elbow. Turns out Faultywirewitz’s wires are faulty, after all. He’s missing the beginning of the season, and, at this point, we have no idea if that means he’ll return by Cinco de Mayo or a day much later than that in the calendar year when you will just be eating mayo. I’ve moved him to the top 60 starters, removed 50 IP from his projections and from the pitchers’ pairings, i.e., I’m no longer drafting him.
Brad Peacock – Won the Astros’ 5th rotation spot. For now. The Astros’ 5th rotation spot is also known as “the seat Forrest Whitley sits in and says, ‘Hey, why is this warm?'” Peacock is in the rankings, but I don’t expect more than 75-100 IP.
The Indians would win 110 games with their pitching staff if they signed two decent free agents. Instead, they signed Hanley and CarGo. Did the Indians fall asleep to Major League and it subconsciously wormholed into their brains? https://t.co/1Msjk0nUOe
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 18, 2019
Jung Ho Kang – The Pirates named him their starting 3rd baseman (if I were the Pirates I would’ve named him someone else’s 3rd baseman). Kang seemed puzzled, saying, “I didn’t say I will drive in teammates and crush fastballs. I said, ‘I will drive intoxicated and crash fast cars.'” He was added to the top 20 3rd basemen.
Andrew Heaney – The Angels are saying Heaney’s dealing with elbow problems, but they’re also saying it’s no big deal. The MRI is clean! Great, someone Windex’d the MRI results. Can we get a real doctor who doesn’t use Pledge on the MRI results? This doesn’t sound like good news, but I’m trying to remain optimistic since Heaney dealt with this last year at this time too. I did lower his projections and his ranking into the top 80 starters.
Eloy Jimenez – Signed an eight-year deal. Usually I don’t talk about contracts, but guess what, you Doritos-eating em-eff’ers? Ya boy Eloy got a deal! This means he won’t be held down in the minors just to stall his arbitration or for Super Two or for his clock to start or stop–No clocks! The clock has run out! Or just started. I don’t know clocks. I do know the jury returns in Sooner’s favor in the landmark case of Sooner vs. Later for when Eloy will be in the majors. I’ve already drafted him in one league, and wish I drafted him in more.
Alex Colome – White Sox are tipping their hand that Colome will be their closer, to at least start the year. Kelvin Herrera is also there, so I don’t think this is as cut and dry as one guy being the closer on Opening Day and having the job all year. Or it will be that simple, it’s impossible to know. My top 500 has both ranked.
Luis Severino – Will miss at least April. Coincidentally, I’m going to miss Severino. Dot dot dot. From my teams. I.e., not owning him. I before E, don’t draft him. E after I, are you following?
Aaron Hicks – Signs pointing to him beginning the year on the IL. Is literally every player I don’t want to own injuring themselves in the preseason? Maybe it’s like this every year but feels more so this year.
Corey Knebel – Has taken a break from throwing. Is that like when my dad took a break from parenting for a few years? Is this Knebel’s gap year? What does taking a break from throwing mean? Is he chasing the dream of being a magician? So, it sounds like the Brewers know what’s going on which is why they’re going after Kimbrel. I haven’t yet moved Knebel in my rankings, but I would not draft him until we hear more.
Pedro Strop – Dealing with a minor strained right hamstring. His left hamstring said, “Why I oughta!” Maddon said Strop could be ready for Opening Day, but I don’t buy Strop is definitely the Cubs’ closer while Morrow rehabs, and have Steve Cishek pretty close to Strop in my top 500.
Yu Darvish – Dealing with a blister. It’s unavoidable when someone is using their hands in something called a Cactus League.
Michael Taylor – Will miss significant amount of time with a sprained hip and knee. Sounds like an 80-year-old who went too hard. I’ve officially removed him from my top 500. Like Plug One deciding on a Central Coast wine tour, you still gonna pass o’ Robles?