From this post, life emerges. *toadstool morphs into frog, frog morphs into person, person types up this post* See! Darwinism at its most basic, and ‘basic’ like your girl who just wants a pumpkin spice latte and to play Candy Crush. It’s how basic is defined, yo. For these pitcher pairings, I’m going to be using our (my) 2019 fantasy baseball rankings. Notably, the top 20 starters for 2019 fantasy baseball, top 40 starters for 2019, top 60 starters for 2019, the top 80 starters for 2019 and top 100 starters. You can also just go to our Fantasy Baseball War Room. Okay, formalities out of the way. *rolls up sleeves, makes farting noise with hand under armpit, rolls down sleeve* Let’s get busy! Now, what is a pitcher pairing? It’s your plan for putting together a fantasy staff. A course of action, of course — of acoursion, naturally. If you have A pitcher, which B, C, D, E and F pitcher goes with him? Which is different than ‘F this pitcher,’ that’s what you say in May. You should have six starters. The sixth starter is Jimmy Nelson or take whoever you want. I suggest an upside pick. Nelson comes to mind. Or Ross Stripling. Touki Toussaint also comes to mind. Dereck Rodriguez anyone? I’m going to assume you’re in a 12 team, 5×5 and some variation of 9 pitcher leagues like the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Speaking of which, the RCL league signups will begin on Monday. (NOTE: What you are about to read is massively confusing. If it were found scribbled in a notebook, the FBI would be watching me. If Ed Kemper stood up and read this at the next prison Meet N’ Greet, no one would blink an eye.) Anyway, here’s pitcher pairings for pitching staffs for 2019 fantasy baseball drafts:
If your first pitcher is from the tiers: “Dan Hartman’s Greatest Hit,” or “Butter deodorant”
These tiers are from Scherzer to Nola. If you draft someone from these tiers, you’ll probably lose your league or get lucky with your hitters. If you do draft one, I wouldn’t take another pitcher until the tiers, “Just put the cap of toothpaste on without mentioning it” and “The Hanging Gardens of Babylon Snapchat Filter.” Take one pitcher from one of those two tiers, then grab another starter from one of those two tiers or, “Sideways bosom.” Then grab another starter from, “Sideways Bosom,” “Drinking fizzy drinks that lift you off the ground,” or “An obstetrician screaming, ‘Talk about a hole in one!'” or “Dollar Store condoms.” Then one starter from Condoms or “A mountain of microscopic goose pimples.” Finally, draft one more starter from Goose Pimples. So, you’d have a rotation something like Blake Snell, Jameson Taillon, Shane Bieber, Kyle Hendricks, Matt Shoemaker and Jimmy Nelson. Or you could have Justin Verlander, Zack Wheeler, Luis Castillo, Nathan Eovaldi, Ross Stripling and Touki Toussaint. Either of those staffs will probably net you 13’s in every pitching category in a 12 team league.
If your first pitcher is from the tiers: “The Foaming Lips”
This tier goes from Trevor Bauer to Carlos Carrasco. I’d pair any of them with anyone in their same tier or in the tier, “Adulting,” “Just put the cap of toothpaste on without mentioning it” or “The Hanging Gardens of Babylon Snapchat Filter,” but it’s not mandatory you grab two in the first two tiers. In other words, if I drafted Trevor Bauer, I could see taking Carlos Carrasco or Patrick Corbin or Strasburg or anyone from any of those tiers, but I wouldn’t reach either. If you do take two guys from those first two tiers, then move to “Just put the cap of toothpaste on without mentioning it” or “The Hanging Gardens of Babylon Snapchat Filter,” and take one guy. You will also be fine taking Bauer and moving right to toothpaste cap and the Hammurabi Snapchat filter. If you skip a 2nd starter in Foaming Lips and Adulting, then draft two guys in the toothpaste cap and Hammurabi. So, you could have either something like Bauer, Carrasco and Joey Lucchesi or Bauer, Glasnow and Wheeler. Either way, you then move along to Sideways bosom, fizzy drinks and an obstetrician screaming and grab a guy, then an obstetrician screaming, a condom or a goose pimple. Finally, one guy from the goose pimples. So, you’ll have something like Bauer, Carrasco, Lucchesi, Pivetta, McHugh and Stripling. Don’t mind if I do! Or you could have something like Bauer, Glasnow, Wheeler, Porcello, Stripling and Jimmy Nelson. That’s straight gorge. As in engorged.
If your first pitcher is from the tiers: “Adulting”
This tier goes from Jack Flaherty to German Marquez. This is likely the way I’m going in 12-team leagues and shallower. This would be ideal (and just as convoluted. Anyone that actually reads AND understands this post deserves a gold star and a head exam. “You, sir, are fit for the looney bin.”) My first pitcher will be from the Adulting, then two starters from toothpaste or Hammurabi’s Snapchat filter, then one starter from Sideways bosom, fizzy drinks, an obstetrician screaming and one starter from an obstetrician screaming, condoms and goose pimples. Finally, a goose pimple. So, you could have something like Marquez, Wheeler, Bieber, Hendricks, Eflin and Freddy Peralta. You just won your league and games haven’t even started. You’re welcome. Could this post become more confusing? Short answer: no. Long answer: nooooooooooo. But let’s try…
Overall Thoughts
You can’t go wrong with a lot of different sets of pitchers. Shoot (not you, deranged white man), you probably could do fine with drafting only 3 starters and 3 great relievers and streaming. If you stick to the pitchers I like, then you’ll do well matching them up any way you see fit. For unstints, I could see a lot of people saying Woodruff is being drafted close to Urias, so is it okay if he’s your goose pimple? Yeah, of course. If you draft only pitchers that I like, then I have no quarrel with you. Wanna reach for Pivetta in the area when the Hammurabi’s are coming off the board? That’s cool with me.
TROUBLE AREAS
WHIP Issues – For every pitcher who is projected over a 1.23 WHIP, take one below. The quicker you do this, the better off you’ll be. For unstints, if you take Eduardo Rodriguez, who I have projected for 1.24, you need to pair him with someone I have projected below a 1.23. Don’t pair Ed-Rod with Pivetta. Pair him with someone like Ryu. Remember, the further you get into the rankings, the harder it becomes to find lower WHIPs. Side note: WHIP can be helped by closers and MRs… Or hurt by them.
What about the tier “The penultimate tier,” or any starter listed in the top 100 starters who are in tiers not listed above. They are 7th starters or DL-bound or minor league-bound who you’re stashing. I wouldn’t count on any of them for anything. I like me some Domingo German or a bunch of those guys, but are you really starting any of them every time out in April and risking a huge blow up, which would lead to a crushing April that leaves you in your fantasy baseball basement and a chance to start trading for keepers in May? You take a flyer on someone like Domingo German, hope he works out and if he doesn’t, you decide whether to drop him in redraft leagues. He’s not your 6th starter.
K ISSUES – For drafters who follow my lead, this shouldn’t be much of an issue. You’re shooting for around 150/starter.
Overall Pitching Issues – Just about everyone, including yours truly, drops at least one of their starters by May 1st. Obviously, you want the best team coming out the draft, but it’s a marathon not a sprint. Starters always come out of nowhere on waivers to become productive. Always. Even in deep leagues.
BONUS FEATURE
Because we both know everything above this point was the gibberish of a mad mind, here’s an easy to use shortcut. Just click the pitcher you draft, then you’ll get a short list of the next pitcher you’re supposed to draft. Frank Voila, snitches! Now, have at it:
