Nathan Eovaldi was sent to the Red Sox for Jalen Beeks. That’s right, Beeks in Tropicana. Orange you glad they’re Trading Places? We can only hope Dan Aykroyd comes to the games in black face to switch out Beeks’ briefcase. *insert Eddie Murphy laugh* Sigh. I miss Eddie Murphy. Speaking of aging comedians, I was watching Comedians in Cars Yadda and, boy, Jerry Seinfeld got old and bitter, right? He’s becoming Robert Klein, Jerry Lewis and, well, lots of old comedians. Any hoo! Eovaldi is getting passed around the AL East like Johnny Damon. Thankfully, he can throw better than him. Moving to Fenway does not help Eovaldi. I won’t tell you he had a 2.12 ERA at home and a 5.18 ERA in away games, except to tell you that while telling you I won’t say it. It’s not completely fair, though, because players are just better at home, in general, wherever that home is, but Fenway is unforgiving, especially if you’re not white. (I kid.) Eovaldi should provide value in the right matchups, but he’s far from a ‘start every time out’ guy. As for Beeks, he was placed inside a gorilla suit and shipped off to a much better landing spot. He appeared on Prospector Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects list. You scrolling for him, “Uh…Um….Is he here….Where is he….Oh, there. Geez.” Yeah, he’s deep, and he’s simply a streamer for this year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .181. Rudy texted me yesterday that he couldn’t believe Kiermaier was on waivers in our 15-team league. See, even the best of us have blindspots! Rudy sees floors much closer than they appear.
Gary Sanchez – Will miss a month with more groin problems. Gonna start calling him The Hurty Sanchez.
Yoenis Cespedes – Out at least 8-10 months with surgery on both his heels. That’s assuming he…heals correctly! *turns to mirror* Damn, Grey, you still have it. And I’ve never felt better. Receptionist, in a white jacket, enters, “Grey, the Mets trainers will see you now for your checkup.” I smile with two thumbs up as I unknowingly walk to meet my maker.
Anthony Swarzak – 2 IP, 0 ER and the save, as Robert Gsellman pitched in the 7th inning. As I said when Familia was traded, Mickey Callaway is doing some weird shizz with his bullpen where he decides on pitching his closer multiple innings every few games, but it’s never the same guy. And that’s me paraphrasing me! My gut says Swarzak is the better bet for saves, but that might be my IBS.
Austin Hedges – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Fun fact! Travis d’Arnaud, Devin Mesoraco and Austin Hedges have garnered over 1,700 words the last few years about how you should draft them and they’ve collectively hit around twelve homers.
Walker Buehler – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.92, as he was recalled. Assuming he is staying up now and off the minor league carousel. Or I guess with Buehler he was on the Ferris wheel. Yesterday, was not great, said Mr. Exposition, but I’ve give him another whirlybird.
Max Muncy – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. To the Max!
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 18th homer, and his 4th homer in the last five games. Somebody’s walking on water so far this 2nd half and his name sounds like candy E.T.’s Lord, Savior and Redeemer would eat. It’s Rhysus!
Scott Kingery – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 1st since June 29th. Felt like much longer. …That’s what he said to her!
Carlos Santana – 2-for-3, 1 run, 3 RBIs, and multiple hits in back-to-back games. I’ve been hesitant to go full-out fan boy on Santana, but he does tend to get hot in the 2nd half. By the way, Full-Out Fan Boy is the worst cover band ever, and their version of This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race sucks.
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 2 ER (1 unearned), 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.45. He has more unearned runs (17) than anyone else this year. Holy ticker season! Extended box scare? Okay, moving on.
Danny Duffy – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.70. Duffy’s about as reliable as Lindsay Lohan with a 5 AM call time.
Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was activated from the DL. He changed his name from Johan to Ervin so people wouldn’t think of the former Twins pitcher, Johan Santana (seriously, this is true). And he changed it to Ervin?! Hey, buddy, people are going to think of another famous sports star with the name Ervin. Why not just take the name Joe Namath Santana? How about you call yourself Hillary Rodham Santana? Ervin, you got problems, dude.
Mitch Garver – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer. Funny story not about Mitch Garver, but Steve Garvey. I saw Steve recently in a restaurant and his son was with him, an absolute carbon copy of Steve when he was younger. Like fresh peaches, it was uncanny. Okay, not funny, per se, but you wanna hear about Mitch Garver? Please.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-6, 1 run, hitting .297 and now has eight games in a row with multiple hits. Holy schmotatoes, Batman! This is one short of the franchise record and the new Jays’ rookie record, once held by Al Woods. Excuse me, the great Al Woods, who went on to own a strip club called Al’s All Woods.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .278. You could see Ohtani’s confusion at first facing James Shields. My Japanese is basic, and it’s hard to read lips, but what I believe he said was, “This guy throws like a batting coach in Japan who has shamed his family.”
Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 27th and 28th homer. There’s a chance here that this Trout guy might have a decent career for himself. Just needs to keep his chin up.
Albert Pujols – 3-for-4 and a slam (17) and legs (1), hitting .253 (if only effi’ Jose Abreu was hitting this well). Pujols was able to steal third base when the pitcher allowed him to get a 89 foot lead. Never let that happen, man. He will make you pay.
Tyler Skaggs – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Doesn’t matter what the Stream-o-Nator says (though it likes him), he should just be owned, and blessed with voodoo dolls to keep him on the field.
Seung Hwan Oh – Traded to the Rockies. Oh will bridge gap to Wade (in the water). At some point, Oh will be on the O’s and all will connect in the world like a giant game of Tetris. Until then, we have Colorad-Oh.
Jon Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.16. Hey, against the Astros in Coors? Oh — not yet with the team — you best believe I’ll take it! Shizz could’ve been more sideways to Tuesday than Wednesday Addams with an oblique strain. So, looks like Gray might’ve got his mojo back. Him Gray, not me Grey; I never lost it. If you’re ready for a bit of a ride, jump on Gray. Him again! Not me!
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-2 and his 20th homer, hitting .288. Chazz Noir, because the night doesn’t begin without him.
Jose Altuve – Left game with knee discomfort. Trainer originally thought it was his ankle, but after, “Wait, your knee is all the way down there?” They figured it out.
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Uh-oh, Chirinos!
Khris Davis – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and two more homers (26, 27), hitting .253. Imagine a rollercoaster made of flames and everywhere it goes it leaves flames, but they aren’t destructive flames, instead they are Hot Wheels decal flames. That’s Khris Davis. He is a Hot Wheels decal of flames-coaster! Non-destructive, very family friendly flames!
Freddy Peralta – – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.74, as he was recalled. I started him, but don’t worry! I benched Robbie Ray. *takes 14 hours to line tacks onto mattress in backyard, invites amateur wrestling camera crew over to film it, climbs to top of roof and dives onto tacks* OW!!! Amateur cameraman, “You didn’t call action.”
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, to go with 2 Ks, hitting .216. I have it on good authority that the same black ops agents that hypnotized Sirhan Sirhan to kill Senator Kennedy hypnotized Bryce Harper to be Adam Dunn. A’la Reggie Jackson in The Naked Gun, “I must eat all tacos supreme.” By the way, you know what’s a fun gag? Go to a Supreme sneaker store and throw sour cream at people standing in line for sneakers. “Here, you want supreme? I’ll supreme all of you!” When I was your age, I waited in line for sneakers, because we had feet and had to cover them! Not to look pretty! (So old.)
Tanner Roark – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.55. That’s an impressive enough start for me to immediately look at picking him up in all leagues. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start, but I’m sorry, robot, he gets the Mets, and I’m going in.
Starling Marte – Left after being hit on the hand by a pitch, but it’s being reported as a bruise. Or maybe that’s a braise, which is great in the winter, but it’s a little warm for that.
Jameson Taillon – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Another Pirates pitcher managed to keep the Indians down for one more game (I know the Indians won, I’m talking for fantasy, please don’t @ me). The Indians/Pirates matchup is also the beginning of every nightmare I’ve ever had where I’m in a Disney park.
Robbie Ray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.90. Sonavabench! Why do I feel like I can empathize with Amy Adams’ character in Sharp Objects? Somebody cut me! Seriously, you know what’s going to happen now, right? We’re going to start him in his next start and he is going to kill us. It’s inevitable.
Pedro Strop – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.57, and his 4th save, and 2nd save in his last three appearances, but in his third appearance he entered the game in the 7th inning. My point? Between Cishek, Gsellman, Swarzak and Strop, I have no idea who is getting the next save. My guess would be the two guys who got saves yesterday.
Kris Bryant – Could be headed back to the DL. Damn, looking like a lost season for Bryant. This is not good at all. Even when he comes back, you have to figure the Cubs will wrap up a playoff spot at some point, and then Bryant will rest some more. It’s possibly the worst case scenario, besides maybe being R. Kelly.
Ryon Healy – 2-for-3 and his 21st homer. Kids are terrible, in general, but our friends have this one kid who smacks his forehead when he forgets to do poopers in the toilet. It’s a rueful head smack he does. That little kid is gonna be you when we get to the end of the season and you look at Healy’s numbers and think back about how you kept dropping him.
Brandon Belt – Left yesterday’s game after hyperextending his knee. He should be fine after a few days, Belt just buckled a little.
Dakota Hudson – Was pulled after one inning today, then got the hashtag hug watch and appears to be making his way to the Cardinals to start this weekend. Why do we care? Because it’s Don Johnson, Melanie Griffith, Goldie Hawn and some Hudson person’s kid! Also, he had a 2.36 ERA in 110 2/3 IP in Triple-A and bleh strikeouts (7.1 K/9). Cards fans are going crazy, but he looks like a streamer to me. Because your daddy needs some gambles, I grabbed him in a few leagues to see. He made Prospector Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects too.
Jose Martinez – 1-for-5, hitting .295. Don’t want to knock a good thing, and it’s good he’s starting again, but why did it take the new manager a week to figure that out? He became the major league manager without knowing his personnel? He was wearing those ‘open eye’ glasses while napping the entire season? I got questions, ya’ll!
Paul DeJong – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer. Similar to Tim Beckham, it’s a shame Colonel Mustard was injured earlier in the year, would’ve liked to see what DeJong could do over a full season. Yup, priming the pump for next year. By the way, I invented the phrase “priming the pump,” you like it? These things just come to me.
Yadier Molina – 3-for-5, and his 14th homer, hitting .287. Serious: is Yadier Molina a Hall of Famer? ESPN tells me he has a strong case due to “things that can’t be defined by statistics.” Is he going in as a manager?
Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.28 vs. Sal Romano – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.07. This matchup was billed as, “Say Cheese vs. Say ‘Geez, Flaherty, you can’t pitch better than that?'”
Adam Duvall – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .205. Someone should send Duvall a letter welcoming him to 2018’s Big Red Machine with a seventeen-page explanation about how they’re being sarcastic and robots would be ideal now, not machines, and Florence and the Machine hasn’t even had a good song in a decade. Then politely sign off, your biggets fan. Then a 17-page P.S. about how you spelled biggest wrong on purpose.