You ever see something and you still don’t believe it? You distrust your own eyes. Well, I just saw a video of this, and I still don’t believe it: Mookie Betts bowls better than he hits. And he hits pretty damn good! He rolled a perfect game yesterday vs. the Yankees (4-for-4, 5 runs, 4 RBIs, and his 2nd homer), but he also rolled a perfect game in the World Series of Bowling last November. On Shabbos, no less! Half of me is expecting someone to point out that it was this other cat, Mookie Betts from Virginia, who is a white guy who looks like Ed Kemper. (By the way, you kinda know Ed Kemper reads Razzball. You just know this.) So, out of habit, does Mookie spray his baseball cleats? Does he ever beat out an infield single and want to sweep out his right heel like he just threw a bowling ball? Between innings, does he play arcade games? How is Mookie Betts a world class bowler and not Matt Albers?! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Xander Bogaerts – Already removed his ankle from the walking boot. Wow, maybe I was wrong on how long Bogaerts would be sidelined. Perhaps Hanley urinated on Xander’s ankle and cured it. Or am I thinking of jellyfish stings? I always confuse the curative properties of urination.
Chris Sale – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.06. Well, sure, he was able to pitch to Giancarlo three times. Ugh, I’m such a scorned lover!
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-2, 1 run, 3 RBIs and his 3rd steal, hitting .359. When Hanley said he was going 30/30 this year, you laughed like you were a losing contestant on Make Me Laugh. Okay, it’s still kinda crazy talk, but Hanley’s trying to prove something thus far with his new workouts. Sure, maybe it’s just that he invested in a company that makes pancakes out of protein made by grinding up horse teeth, but whatever the case!
Aaron Hicks – Began his rehab assignment. Five imaginary dollars says the rehab assignment is shut down due to a reoccurrence of the injury. C’mon, bet me! Or do you not have five fake dollars?
Luis Severino – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.50. In this start in Fenway, Severino looked rather ruthful. Ya know, opposite of ruthless. It’s a word. Seriously. And it doesn’t mean to be like Babe Ruth, i.e., Ohtani is very ruthful. Am I the only surprised ruthful is a word? The longer I point this out is it the dumber I’m looking? Let’s move on!
Aaron Judge – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .333. Great, but did you see Giancarlo got a single and a double? Yes!
Justin Bour – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and two homers (1, 2), hitting .190. Justin really ragu’d the Mets with that wild Bour. That wild Bour hit a blast then screamed umami, but pronounced it like, “Yo mommy!” If Bour’s available in your league, I can see two homers going a long way to a hot streak.
Brandon Nimmo – Optioned to Triple-A. Now you know where you can discover Nimmo. Or if you’re locating Nimmo. Unearthing? Hmm, there’s gotta be a catchier way to say that.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.06. This start was against the Marlins, so it was kinda like deGrom gave up 45 runs and was hit on the Taillon with a comebacker. However, we will allow the real score to stand. You’re lucky!
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .188. Wilmer credited that homer to choking up. Not on the bat, on a Hallmark movie.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4 and his 2nd and 3rd homers, hitting .341. So much offense in this game, let me guess, they played in Florida where it’s not negative 4 degrees with windchill.
Jeurys Familia – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 6th save. Familia is on pace for 158 saves.
Stephen Strasburg – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.21, vs. Mike Foltynewicz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.93. This matchup was billed as “Strasburg vs. A Consonant Buildup On The 1-85.”
Adam Eaton – Has a boo-boo on his ankle and is headed for an MRI. Eaton also asked if he needs to mention his MRI stamp card is filled for a free one.
Nick Senzel – Now playing 3rd base in the minors. He will debut this weekend. Dot dot dot. Or June. Dot dot dot. Or September. No one really knows, but it’s worth stashing him for a few days if you have room.
Scott Kingery – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .258. He’s fun to watch. Why didn’t I draft him anywhere?! Not to take anything away from him, but his home run power seems to be like this, “Well, if you’re gonna give me one, I’ll take it.”
Aaron Nola – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.96. On a semi-related note, a commenter yesterday was kind enough to point out how Gabe Kapler told the media he likes to tan his testicles. Now we know who Gabe Kapler really is, The Situation. I imagine Kapler tans his nuts with one of those tiny dentist mirrors.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .132. Damn, now it’s gonna be harder to sell him crazy low.
Matthew Boyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.38. Wow, Flavor Flav’s fantasy team, Yeah, Boyd! is off to a great start! But his K/9 is a joke.
Justin Turner – Has yet to resume swinging a bat. Sounds like someone needs to update their LinkedIn profile!
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .308. Another victory for the BSOHL Crew. Oddly enough, the BSOHL Crew is not in very good shape.
Ian Kinsler – Expects that his groin will be in acceptable shape by Thursday to play. When asked what shape that is, he replied, “Like a didgeridoo meets a boomerang.”
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. The Fish Man Cometh!
Tyler Skaggs – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 1.69. Geez, only five innings, right? Well, it’s actually a tiny robot girl who is enslaved as a maid that he made it five since he threw 114 pitches.
Andrelton Simmons – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .365. That one went into orbit! The homer was hit high too.
Johnny Cueto – Headed to the DL because we have a DL that is so short pitchers only miss one start when placed on it. Brief, but honest, that’s what my t-shirt reads.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .158. Au Shizz!
Brent Suter – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.70. Sonavabench! It’s an NL-Only league, and it was in St Louis, and, ugh, these are #selfproblems.
Eric Thames – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Apparently, Thames was the half of the 1st base platoon I was supposed to draft on five teams!
Jacob Barnes – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ankiels, 1 K and the blown save. There were, like, six blown saves in the Brewers/St. Louis game. The weather in St. Louis is cloudy with a chance of a closerpocalypse. The only thing making the Brewers’ bullpen look good is how bad the Cards’ bullpen is. I’d still hold Albers (with two hands) and Barnes for Brewers saves.
Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.41. Glad to see his first start is a distant memory. Not to me obviously, but to someone who doesn’t remember. Him maybe.
Wil Myers – Not expected to return immediately when his DL stint is over. By the way, anyone with eight or less letters in their name should abandon the space and go with one name, i.e., Wilmyers.
Joey Lucchesi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.72. This start came in Coors, and I would’ve benched him if I didn’t miss he was in my lineup. That’s the opposite of a sonavabench, we should have a glossary term for that. Please suggest in the comments. Any hoo! I was expecting to open Lucchesi’s player page, and see these peripherals that were going to blow me away, but I was left pretty meh. He’s in Petco for home starts, so that’s worth owning, but I think he’s overperforming.
Trevor Story – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (2). If our hockey writer, Viz, is reading this, I sent you a trade offer for Story. Please check your trades and say yes to my mess! Mike Clevinger is going to be awesome!
Guillermo Heredia – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in the last three days. Could be a rising schmotato on the hotness.
Alex Gordon – Hit the DL with a hip tear. The injury occurred when he was trying to squeeze into his skinny jeans for a very meta hip injury.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, in back to back games. Moistasskiss!
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.20. 13/10 K/BB so far with a 1.35 WHIP makes me think his 2.20 ERA might not be telling the whole story.
Aaron Sanchez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, 5 BBs, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Through the 7th inning, he had a no-hitter going, and looked headed to be Aaron Sanchez Vicarios vs. the Orioles, but Aaron Sanchez ended up dirty and Chopped. I don’t mind Sanchez as a mid to late fantasy rotation starter, but those walks there, Cousin Sweatpants, they scare me a little.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .379. Hot schmotato alert!
Andrew Cashner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.50. You two weeks ago, “Grey, handsome, mi amore, all I drafted for starters was Mike Minor, Andrew Cashner and J.A. Happ. How screwed am I?” You today, “I’m screwed in the good way!”
Welington Castillo – Left yesterday’s game with knee soreness. Finally, an answer to where’s the boeuf.
Tim Anderson – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 6th steal. Not saying he’s going to steal 50, but I’m saying it’s not out of the question. Yesterday, he stole third with no outs in the ninth inning of a 6-1 game. Great for the White Sox? Debatable. Great for fantasy? You betcha!
Blake Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 10 Ks in 114 pitches. It’s almost like the Rays decided to go with a 4-man rotation, but no one actually considered side effects. Like, I don’t know, the fact that your bullpen will be overworked and the starters you have will need to throw 114 pitches, even when they only throw 62 of them for strikes, and that’s including pitches that aren’t strikes that the White Sox still swung at.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .220. Was a good week for CarGo’s. Ain’t that right, Frank Sobotka?
Corey Dickerson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .342. On my RCL team that is decimated by suckiness, I grabbed C-Dick. Seems appropriate.
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 10, 2018
Ian Happ – 0-for-4, hitting .156. Okay, everyone reading this can continue to the next blurb, I’m now speaking only to Ian Happ. You can do this, man. Be the ball, but not the ball that’s traveling past you on a strikeout. Actually, strike that. Pun? Maybe, but forget that. Be the bat, but a bat that’s hitting the ball that you were just formerly being. Now good luck out there, you got this!
Javier Baez – 2-for-4 and his 1st and 2nd homers of the season. He’s hitting eighth. Zobrist is hitting third. That piece of logic would stump the War Games computer.
Tyler Chatwood – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.91. For what it’s worth, Typer Chatwood is a good pen name for someone writing online erotica. Didn’t Typer Chatwood pen 50 Shades of Grey? Not sure, but I believe Typer Chatwood was Zalman King’s apprentice.