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First off, we have to wish our five female readers a very Happy Mother’s Day. I started a petition for next year’s Mother’s Day, where MLB puts a nipple on each base, and, when runner steps on it, it lactates. I think after I petitioned MLB last year to have hairy bean bags on the end of bats for Father’s Day, they’ve muted me somehow, so if you could boost this, I’d appreciate it. One guy who’s obviously a momma’s boy is Mitch Keller (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.38, 70 strikes out of 93 pitches). This comes after a 4-hit shoutout, which comes after four years of near-5 ERA pitching, which comes after being a highly touted prospect, which comes after emerging from his mother’s womb, because yesterday was all about moms! His peripherals are all saying everything Mitch Keller is doing is really happening vs. some kinda mirage that will evaporate when his luck runs out. The most incredible part of Mitch Keller’s star mitzvah is that he’s doing this prior to his trade to the Yankees for Albert Abreu and cash considerations. Oh, you know it’s coming, Keller high water. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Tyler Wells – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Make fun of Camden Miles Park and how far the fences are pushed back, and I have done that, but I’m getting the O’s face picking up their pitchers.

Ranger Suarez – 4 IP, 3 ER, as he was activated from the IL. Spend two months injured, then return to start at Coors? Suarez has the timing of a person who gets on a roller coaster after eating a bowl nacho cheese. In 333 IP, he has an ERA of 3.16, and throws so many ground balls, he tends to be safe, though with the end of the shift, some of those guys have been stuck in neutral.

Brenton Doyle – 1-for-3 and a slam (2) and legs (6). Has been a solid add in NL-Only leagues, but, if you have him in a mixed league, you reek of “I lost my 1st, 2nd and 3rd outfielder.”

Kyle Freeland – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.16. Thinking about the carefree guy who is Mr. Magoo’ing his way through the season with Freeland in a mixed league with a 3.16 ERA, while I’m over here crying with the three Samoans, Manaea, Lynn and Manoah. The latter two honorary, because they’re fat.

Bryce Miller – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.47. Man, these rookie pitchers are desperate to bait us into getting roofied, huh? We get it, Miller! You’re great, until more than 75% of us pick you up.

Sandy Alcantara – 7 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.91. Had no business being out there for the 8th inning when he gave up three more runs. Marlins’ manager and Hot Box race car driver, Schumaker is pitching Alcantara like they’re planning on trading him in July, which there is no way they’re doing, so, yeah, *shrugs* I don’t know.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Headed to see a specialist for turf toe. This is when your toe looks like a Chia Pet. If you have Jazz, make other plans for this week.

A.J. Puk – Hit the IL after experiencing a dead arm. Doctors call that Weekend at Bernie’s arm. Dylan Floro (1 IP, 0 ER, and save yesterday) or Tanner Scott should see saves, in that order.

Braxton Garrett – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.40. This was a favorable matchup, but if you went back in on him after he gave up 11 ER two starts ago, I am envious of the cantelopes in your pants.

Matt McLain – Called up by the Reds. That’s a weird way to spell Christian Encarnacion-Strand or Elly De La Cruz. The good news on CES is the Reds are starting to call-up their guys. The bad news on De La Cruz is, as I thought, he’s behind these callups. Reds need to see McLain (and CES) before they call up DLC. The other good news, McLain’s flat-out raking in the minors (12/10/.346 in 136 ABs). The other other good news, Cincy’s a great park to continue hitting. The other other other good news, you don’t call him up to send him back down. He’s a grab in all leagues. No one wants to hear this but my guess is McLain spends the rest of the year with Cincy, then DLC is brought up in September, prepping him for next year.

Nick Lodolo – Out for a month with calf tendinoisis. Damn, that sucks. Can’t an older uncle grab his calf and say, “I got your noisis?” Looking like I better start working on my Nick Lodolo 2024 sleeper.

Nestor Cortes – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.53. Whatever he had to change in his loopity-loop windup has made him poopity-poop.

Clarke Schmidt – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.30. Line is misleading because he should’ve had the third strike to end the 5th at 4-4, but, instead he gave way to Albert Abreu, who for some reason was brought in even though he struggles vs. lefties, and gave up a grand slam to Taylor Walls. Which is how my letter began to the official scorer to get Schmidt’s crappy start off my fantasy team.

Wandy Peralta – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.76, and his 2nd straight save on Saturday. *graffitis the Yanks’ pen* “This is mine now.” That’s Wandy revealing the pen now says Wankees. Don’t know what to make of this pen. My guess is Wandy, the lefty, was used because his arm was freshest and made sense with the guys coming up, but that doesn’t check out on Saturday. Only one lefty was due, he was switched out, then the Rays actually sent Brandon Lowe, a lefty, out to pinch-hit. My guess is the pen is now King, Wandy, Holmes, Hamilton, Scott Proctor, Ghost of Whitey Ford, Ed Whitson and a fan who wins a contest, but I dropped King in shallower leagues, until I get more clarity.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. HR to the Izzo!

Oswaldo Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as the Wankees hit Jake Bauers (1-for-3, 1 run) at leadoff, which feels like a cry for help.

Taylor Walls – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a grand slam (7) and legs (7). Rays about to have a guy go 25/25 in only part-time duty, and Josh Lowe do even better.

Yandy Diaz – Will undergo an MRI on his groin. Here’s hoping they find something!

Hayden Wesneski – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.03. This is the worst a Wesneski has done since the last Matrix movie.

Marcus Stroman – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.24. The Regression Fairies protest outside Chick Fil A, and will destroy your ratios!

Christopher Morel – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, as he hits leadoff. Gonna be fun when Nico returns and Morel is benched.

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Says he has two homers this year, but I’m pretty sure that’s his first homer since last April.

Trevor Larnach – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he was recalled the other day with Max Kepler being IL’d. Also, Alex Kirilloff (2-for-6, 2 runs) hit two homers on Saturday (1, 2). If Kirilloff’s wrist is right — that’s wrighst! — then he’s worth rostering in even the shallowest of leagues. Get Kirillon my teams! (The preceding sentence is when portmanteaus go wrong.)

Joey Gallo – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, as he led off in both games, which is what happens when you fall asleep reading Joe Maddon’s autobiography, “The Maddoning.”

Louie Varland – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.30. He allowed two homers as Varland makes a case for xFIP as a fantasy league category.

Joe Musgrove – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.63. Are there. Pauses to relay the gravity of the situation. Good pitchers?

Mookie Betts – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Mookie Best!

Tony Gonsolin – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.42. Gonsolin throwing a sub-1.50 ERA just to spite the naysayers.

Robbie Grossman – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Fun fact! Rangers’ lineup going Semien/Grossman is also what happens when someone finds out about a Lemon Party.

Adolis Garcia – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 10th homer. Yeah, but what happens to his stats when you remove all games when he was good?

Brandon Bielak – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, but it’s vs. the A’s and half their team is already in Vegas, and neither half is good.

Elvis Andrus – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. “It was my time for an injury!” Luis Robert Jr. yelled at the MLB transactions page.

Luis Robert Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Edging higher and higher on the Player Rater, and looking like he’s finally putting it together this year, which is what someone has said the last three years before he’s taken a fifty-game sabbatical.

Jake Burger – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. All about that Burger and deep flies!

Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.70. Went to look at his game log, anticipating a game log of past performances that was going to make it impossible to ignore him any longer. He was hit around only two starts ago! Not like he’s been great for the last month. Streamonator does like his next one, but you have bigger pants grapes than I, if you’re starting him.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Tildaddy says, “Go ask your mother!”

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .259. Albies on pace for 40 homers like Joe Morgan with a juiced ball.

Kevin Pillar – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Raisel Iglesias – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 10.80, and the blown save, and his velocity was garbage. That’s what the Braves get for relying on someone with a cooked arm whose first name tells them what flag to hoist. I grabbed Nick Anderson in a few leagues, because A.J. Minter seems pretty cooked too.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (9), and three homers in the last two games. Sorry, Yelich, but on Mother’s Day, you are always overshadowed.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .301. One of the biggest mysteries to me this past preseason was how Sal P. wasn’t the top catcher drafted, and I don’t even draft catchers high. You’d think if you were going to draft catchers high, you’d at least get it right.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .233. To Witt, you should’ve thrown a fastball or slider, because he’s hitting below.200 vs. those.

Tanner Bibee – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Tanner Benjamin Bibee Netanyahu is real.

Josh Naylor – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 3rd straight game with an 8th-inning go-ahead homer. Naylor three straight nights? They must’ve been still dating! Also, hot schmotato alert.

Mickey Moniak – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .500 since his call-up on Saturday. “Taylor Ward, and strawberry preserves on the side.” That’s me ordering my toast how I like it. Moniak looks like he’s taken some, if not all of Taylor Ward’s playing time, and his leadoff spot in the lineup. Itch was a fan of Moniak in the preseason, saying he’d hit 15+ homers for the Angels, in his Bold Predictions. Not that long ago Moniak was a first overall draft pick. Sorry, I’ve started judging time recently by the gestation of the giraffe, so when I say “not that long ago” it was actually seven years ago. He was tearing up the minors (8 HRs, 2 SBs, .308), but contact has been a struggle for him, and he consistently looks like a .180 hitter in the majors, so we’ll see if he can fix that.

Patrick Sandoval – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.22. A start just about everywhere, whether the Streamonator loves him or not, but the Guardians, in general, look pretty atrocious.

Chris Sale – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at…Guess. Someone said Chris Sale looks fixed and back to his dominant self. So, guess his ERA. Go ahead! Sure, you can keep in mind this start was against one of the worst teams in baseball, so likely should be disregarded completely, but guess his ERA. Forget it! It’s 5.40! His opponent, one of the worst pitchers on one of the worst teams, who was in danger of losing his starting job, Steven Matz has an ERA of 5.62.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (2), third homer in three games. Hey, wanna see the list of reasons for an Arenado buy low? C’mon, I’ll show you, it’s over here by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Paul DeJong – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer. Colonel Mustard with a wishbone in a chicken place!

Brandon Pfaadt – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 8.59. Wasn’t locating anything, but at least this wasn’t a complete pfiasco. He goes to the Pirates next, which I think is supposed to be bad, but might be bad as in good or just bad.

Michael Conforto – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, third homer in five games. Hot schmforto alert!

David Villar – Optioned to the minors. That is truly a shame–Nice stuff for Casey Schmitt! This gives him playing time, even with Brandon Crawford back. Schmitt happens to become a thing in shallower leagues now.

Anthony DeSclafani – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.06, but left his start early when his toe was bothering him, because a few weeks ago he dropped a piano bench on it. If Disco had a piano, it could only mean one thing…A Fifth of Beethoven!