Homers Hanging Out All Day At The Schwarber Shop

Kyle Schwarber sees the Nats, whether he’s wearing the uni or facing them, and he turns into Schwammerin’ Kyle Schwarber, The Schwammer. Got a homer to hammer? Call the Schwammer! Need a nail put in the Ikea cabinet you just bought? Get the Schwammer! Wanna scare some kids off your porch? Schwammer time! Yesterday, The Schwammer went 3-for-4 with his 26th and 27th homer. In his last 162 games, The Schwammer has the eye-popping stats of 121/53/109/.256, and 17 homers in the last 34 games. U Can’t Touch This Schwammer. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Nola – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.15. It’s very Phillies to have that going on with The Schwammer, get a decent start from Nola, and lose the game to one of the worst teams in the majors.

Josiah Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.14. Call me greedy, but I’d kinda prefer he has an awful 2nd half so his price is magnificently low next year.

Kyle Hendricks – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. Oh, no, I hope the fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) who’s been in a coma for six years doesn’t wake until Hendricks is healthy. His keeper team is already in a shambles with Josh Rutledge at MI.

Corbin Burnes – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.20. Meh, you know him, so let me just say it’s big brain worms for David Ross to bench Seiya after he hit two homers in his 1st two games back. Just an absolute chef’s kiss of epic stupidity.

Keston Hiura – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. When I saw Hiura homered, I went to see if Cody Bellinger homered as well to see if it were actually 2019.

Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he was activated from the IL. Waited until very late to see if he re-injured himself before posting today’s column. Sorry, if I missed anything, but, as unlikely as it sounds, Eloy seemed to still be healthy.

Luis Robert – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. The boys are back in town!

Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. As Vaughn was crossing home plate, Tony La Russa ran out to the umpire to inform him that he meant to bench Vaughn this game and could they please overturn that homer.

Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.33. Something’s not right. Maybe he’s just ramping up still. He doesn’t even seem to be grabbing his crotch with the same panache.

Yoan Moncada – Left yesterday’s game with a foot injury. I know what you’re thinking, he prolly hurt himself attempting 40 steals, as he predicted for himself in the preseason, but, no, it was from a foul tip.

Gio Urshela – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Went to the Player Rater to get some concrete evidence of how much better Urshela was doing than his numbers appear on the surface, and I came away thinking, “Wow, Urshela sucks way more than I thought.”

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .244. Got a long way to go to get back in his owners’ good graces (me), but three homers in two games, and four homers in the last week is a solid place to start. Hope he’s not one of those guys who is scalding going into the Break, and the layoff cools him off.

Luis Arraez – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .354. Put Arraez’s average through my giant supercomputer to calculate what his average would be like pre-terrible averages across the MLB and it spit back at me, “.355.” Think it’s a rounding error. Will check my computer again.

Alex Kirilloff – Left after colliding with Vaughn at first base. Yeah, but La Russa said he’s backdating Vaughn to the bench, which could negate this injury. News from the Twins is Kirilloff is okay, so that must mean La Russa smashed the hourglass and changed the course of history.

Trevor Rogers – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.57. One thing that’s interesting about any pitcher who is overworked like Rogers was last year: How long until he’s good again? Next year? Never?

Shohei Ohtani – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.44, 1-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 10th steal. He reminds me of this kid on my Little League team, Derrick. He’d pitch, hit, run all over the field, basically cover every aspect for us, because we all sucked. The only difference, we were nine-year-olds!

Tyler Mahle – Hit the IL with shoulder discomfort. Oh, don’t worry, he says he’ll be healthy after the Break, adding, “Please, someone trade for me.”

Nick Senzel – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and, what, six days since he was my featured Buy last week? I didn’t just pick his name out of a hat. (I use a fishbowl.)

Hunter Strickland – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.34, blown save number…I’m gonna guess 7. Honest question, have the Reds ever closed out a victory?

Jonathan India – Left the game after being hit on the foot by a pitch. Oh, just put us all out of our misery and go on the IL until next year. At this point, I prefer it!

Graham Ashcraft – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.35. “Can I have Quality Starts That Suck for $500?” Actually, I can, on my NL-Only teams.

David Peterson – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.48. A man Da. Peterson can’t buy my love with that start.

Brandon Nimmo – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. People make me laugh when they say there’s no such thing as hitters getting hot or cold. A light chortle.

Cristian Javier – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.01. Hands the Yanks their ass, then has the Royals say, “Your butt is ours.” Someone mentioned the other day in the comments that we should have a term for when a great pitcher gets rocked by a terrible team. Please suggest in the comments.

Aledmys Diaz – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Bobby Witt Jr. – After being hit on his hand, he went for x-rays, and they came back negative, because I stopped traffic on the 101 and asked everyone to form hands in a prayer traffic jam.

Whit Merrifield – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer, hitting .241. Wild how bad this schmohawk has been, while being like ten times better than India.

Hunter Dozier – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. He’s got a hit every day in July. They call that, The Juli Gurriel.

Emmanuel Rivera – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Extreme Ruthie voice, “Marty, I call the Kansas City Rivera, Ozark.”

Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.74. He was in this week’s Buy, Sell, Hold (yes, I still believe):

Eddie Rosario – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer, but more indicative of anything is that he homered, then was pinch-hit for when a lefty came in. As an Italian would say on Jimmy Carter’s peanut farm, nut so good.

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, hitting .229, as he took Miles Mikolas (6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.72) deep, i.e., that home run measures in feet off Miles as Ozuna goes yard.

Brayan Bello – 4 IP, 4 ER, in his first major league start. Hey, I’m just gonna leave this Shasta on the counter, could you watch it for me, Mr. Bartender of this sketchy bar? Thanks! *four hours later*…whoa, did I fall asleep? Hey, why is that guy playing xylophone on my ribs–AHHHH!!! Roofie!

Corey Kluber – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Keep saying Kluber’s a Streamonator call, and he is, but it wouldn’t have liked him in Fenway, and I don’t blame that steely-mouth robot.

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.21. ‘Member when we were believing the Keller Got A New Pitch, It’s A Sinker! narrative? We were so much younger then, and you had more hair! I believe it was last week.

Joey Gallo – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Gallo’s got a new name, “Guy Who The Dodgers Are Going To Send Too Many Prospects For At The Break.”

Aaron Judge – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (30) and legs (7). Also, in this game, Josh Donaldson (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 7th homer; Aaron Hicks (2-for-2, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 4th; Giancarlo (1-for-5) hit his 21st, and Kyle Higashioka (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 5th. The year we decide pitchers should no longer hit is the same year all kinds of position players pitch.

Luis Severino – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.11. At a certain point, have to think the Yanks will put the brakes on Severino’s innings as they prep him for the playoffs. Maybe not until September, but worth considering if you’re in a H2H league.

Mitch White – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Only the Dodgers can turn a 27-year-old Quad-A player into Don Drysdale. I don’t trust him, but Streamonator seems to like him a tad in his next start.

Frankie Montas – MRI on his shoulder turned up no structural damage, according to the A’s. Then they crossed off his original asking price, and wrote, “A team’s top 50 prospect OBO.”

Ramon Laureano – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, and four homers in the last eight games. Thought he was rostered in most leagues, but people keep asking if they should pick him up, so, p to the erhaps, he is not, but should be.

James Kaprielian – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 5.06. Doesn’t Kaprielian sound like some kind of alien from The Expanse? Meh, maybe it’s me. Streamonator always hates Kaprielian, and I can see why. He’s a Belter! Still no? Hmm.

Matt Chapman – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. He just loves playing in Oakland. He’s the only one.

Bo Bichette – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. Hasn’t been a gorgeous sunset with 24/7 magic hour for Bichette this year thus far, but I’m still adding “thus far,” and I’d be buying.

Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.44. Well, he looked good in his rehab start in Oakland. Let’s see how he looks vs. a major league offense next.

Franmil Reyes – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in five games, and just missed another homer two days ago. Welcome back to the $54 Vending Machine Steak. Our favorite, Gristley Bear!

Shane Bieber – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.44. Currently, starting to put the virtual pen to virtual pad for my top 100 for the 2nd half that will come out during the All-Star Break, and, at this point, I think I’m leaving Bieber off the top 100, which means he’s not a top 25 starter or so. Hasn’t looked right since April, and it’s not getting better. Major surprise that a guy with a strained shoulder didn’t magically recover.

Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 4th steal, and three steals in the last four games. His previous high for a season was two steals. How much does this piss you off? For me? A lot! This means he could’ve been stealing bags for the last ten years of his career, only he chose not to!

Kody Clemens – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1), hitting .184. A fun fact about what the world looked like when Roger Clemens recorded his last win in 2007:  National Treasure 2, starring Nicholas Cage, grossed $457 million worldwide, but Nicholas Cage lost $100 million betting his movie wouldn’t make over $456 million.

Eduardo Rodriguez – Tigers have not heard from Ed-Rod in weeks. Maybe he’s with Shelly Miscavige.