Another huge Yankees’ threat was activated last night, and he’s a big, big threat, I mean, big, big, big, it’s Aaron Judge, guys and five girls! And, wouldn’t you know it, the Yankees hit seven homers, with three of them from Kyle Higashioka (3-for-4, 5 RBIs with his 2nd, 3rd and 4th homer); DJ LeMahieu (3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit two homers (8, 9); Luke Voit? Oh, you know Voit (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit one of them! He has 19! Clint Frazier (2-for-3, 2 RBIs) even got in on the action, hitting his 7th homer. Oprah screaming like a lunatic, “You get a home run! You get a home run! You get a home run!” Aaron Judge looks under his seat, pulls out a gift-wrapped box, “I get…an 0-for-4?” *hears Final Jeopardy music* “What is six games?” “Oh, I’m sorry, that’s wrong. Aaron Judge will be injured again in four games.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Solid start, definitely worth a top five overall pick. Much better than, say, Dinelson Lamet, who went 150 picks later.
Ken Giles – Hit the IL with elbow issues, which comes just a week after he returned from elbow issues, which comes only a year or so after I said he needs arm surgery, and I have no idea what the Jays are doing. You really have to wonder about MLB teams’ ability to make the simplest of calls. A MLB team should employ me as their Common Sense Specialist to make the easy calls. Any hoo! Rafael Dolis will see saves for the rest of the year. Or maybe Anthony Bass, but that fish don’t hunt.
Teoscar Hernandez – Returned from the IL, but wasn’t in the lineup. This feels totally rushed, and I don’t trust Teoscar to be healthy. Again, Jays being dumbnuts.
Luis Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, a deep blast off Nick Anderson (1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 0.69) who gave up his first run of the season. All good things must come to an end, as a wiseman once said on January 1st, 2020.
Brandon Lowe – 3-for-4 and a slam (13) and legs (3), hitting .269. Someone’s hearing the whispers. “You think Nate Lowe (1-for-2, 1 RBI) is better than Brandon Lowe?” “Brandon Lowe is Brandon Lau and Nate Lowe is good but below him.” “Is B. Lowe a third Lowe brother?” “No, below, as in beneath.” “B. Neath? There’s a Brandon Neath?” The whispers are from madmen who get thoroughly confused by the Lowes. “Lowes? The one with all the lumber?” Shut up, madmen!
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.87 vs. Brandon Woodruff – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Wow, a double complete 7-inning game. This is like Smoltz vs. Jack Morris in the ’91 World Series! As with all pitchers at this point, I’d go with the Streamonator.
Brad Miller – 2-for-6 and his 7th homer. Coincidentally, the Taiwanese shut down all their bra mills right as Bra-Mill starting breaking out. Hmm.
Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. On a very personal level, Tyler O’Neill’s been one of the most disappointing guys I own. He does nothing, except the once a week homer.
Keston Hiura – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Not sure I’m gonna be able to draft him next year with where he’ll prolly go. Outside of the pop, he’s been brutal to own too.
Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.03. For my own personal sanity, I hope MLB loses the 7-inning games. I keep seeing 7 IP from a starter and I immediately try to figure out if it was a complete game or Quality Start. In the grand scheme, maybe not the biggest issue facing us, but still.
Brady Singer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.14. Here’s a story…of a starter breaking out. Maybe. I’m gonna have to dig in on this Singer in the offseason like I’m Simon Cowell and Clive Davis sending shovel emojis back and forth to each other and understanding what they’re talking about without any context. My quick takeaway is Singer looks like a borderline number four fantasy starter.
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-5, 2 runs and 2 steals (9, 10). Also, in this game, Adalberto Mondesi (2-for-4, 1 run) stole one bag (17). I love that it feels the Royals are just out there collecting stats for their own personal statline. Run it up, folks!
Jon Gray – Shut down for the year. Lucky for his owners!
German Marquez – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.33 vs. Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.67. Yet another Coors pitching duel–Oh my God, I just realized something. We’re living in The Upside Down.
Keegan Akin – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Same boat as Brady Singer — The Love Boat! — No, that I’ll have to dig in this offseason. I do get the sense there’s gonna be more SP hazards in 2021, because of the sample sizes. Could see getting excited about a guy like Akin off a nothing sample, and getting burned. For this year, Streamonator.
Jake Arrieta – Has a Grade 1 strain of his hamstring. Bad year to have anything to do with a Grade 1 anything. He’s gonna need to do some distance learning with his doctor for treatment and try to get his hamstring to pay attention while cartoons play on mute behind it.
Mickey Moniak – Was called up because the 2020 season is like, “Meh, you know what, who gives a f*ck?” Moniak hasn’t been good in a lot of minor league games below Triple-A, but has speed and power, and prolly won’t play, so okay.
J.D. Davis – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Jonathan Davis Davis with his sixth home run of the year which felt like his 1st. I thought he retired he’s been so yawnstipating.
Jean Segura – 4-for-4 and his 6th homer, but a triple short of the cycle. “Egads!” That’s a pimply teenager thinking they read there’s no tetracycline.
Hector Neris – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.86, as he lost the game. Does managing the Phillies make one dumb? Why did the Phils go from Workman to Neris? I get it, Workman hasn’t been great, but, here’s the thing, Neris hasn’t either. Neris really had to throw three games in a row?
Zack Wheeler – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Impressive start. Not because of the pitching, but because he was able to get on his pants.
Jacob deGrom – 2 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.09, and left with a hamstring spasm. New Mets owner, Steve Cohen 48 hours ago, “I’m excited about the team I’m getting: Alonso, McNeil…” Reporter, “DeGrom.” Steve, downplaying it, “Yeah, sure, sure. He seems good.” Today Cohen, “I SPENT 2-POINT-BILLION-SOMETHING AND DEGROM’S HURT?” Sounds like deGrom’s gonna be okay, but, and I know deGrom’s fantasy owners don’t want to hear this, I’d shut deGrom down if I were the Mets.
Kyle Gibson – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.18. Hahahahahahahahaha–breathe, Grey, breathe! Seriously, I finally move on from this schmohawk and he throws his best start of the year in Houston? I hate Kyle Gibson so much.
Lance McCullers – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.87, as he returned from the IL. When you get a chance, check out his home/road splits. McCullers is gonna be a force in the playoffs if it’s more of a Texas thing than a Houston thing.
Jake Odorizzi – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.59, as he returned from the IL. Seems unlikely he’ll get up to 5+ innings, or worth holding to find out. Take it easy, Odorizzi.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Buxton ain’t happy just screwing over his owners every year. He has to make it alluring for the next year for a new group of suckers.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .251. That’s a win for his quick elbow recovery. Guess you can say *pinkie to mouth* a Wbow.
Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Not amazing like Bieber, but solid 3.00-3.50 ERA and Ks, like a robot low-end #1. Call him Lucas-1 Giobot.
Aaron Civale – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.80. Same as what I said for Singer and Akin. The good thing about all three is they’re on teams that spend zero dollars in the offseason, so I bet they’ll all be in their respective team’s rotations.
Oscar Mercado – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Big time sleeper value! *dodges thrown tomato* Hey, cmon! *dodges head of cabbage*
Dylan Bundy – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.12. Bundy kept his real self down for 1, 2, 3, 4, but he got his count of five.
Jared Walsh – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Okay, Walsh is better than Trout or nah? Yes, right? Or nah, right? Yes or no? Sí or no sí? Damn, Walsh is the hottest schmotato in this whole godforsaken league and I don’t own him anywhere.
Justin Upton – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Welp, here goes one of Upton’s insane runs as he hits 15 homers in 12 games, and ends the year as the home run champ.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and third homer in two games. I said it yesterday. Besides Grichuk, Calhoun is one of the quickest guys to figure out if they’re hot. His name is Kole and he has red hair — dur! Hot!
David Peralta – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Don’t think it’s just terrible pitching. The DBags are heating up.
Drew Smyly – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.94, as he returned to being a starter, and that start should be an ender for starting.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .305. Not exactly Luke Voit, but Belt has been productive in this goofy season vs. how he usually is. Maybe the Giants can sneak into the playoffs, because I’d love to see Zack Wheeler in a rematch against a Belt.
Walker Buehler – Not on the road trip to Colorado, and won’t be able to shop for legal ganja or pitch this weekend.
A.J. Pollock – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, but left with a cramp. Can’t believe I would’ve been massively better off drafting Pollock than that stinkpot David Dahl. I hate David Dahl and the Rockies’ hitters (besides Story and Arenado, though the latter appears hurt) so much. Such effin’ teases!
Chris Taylor – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer in the last five games. Hot schmotato alert!
Dustin May – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.68, as he entered the game in the 3rd. I kinda like him coming in after a few innings so we have a better chance for a win from him. Though, yesterday, the win went to Kolarek who went two-thirds of an inning. It’s so stupid that scorer’s can’t give the win to the right pitcher. Any hoo! Getting Horny on Main for May with him following an Opener.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .270. Is it me or do the Padres have more homers from their nine-hole hitters than any other team? Higashioka made a run yesterday, but I still think the Padres have the Yanks edged out.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .314. Does any hitter fluctuate more year-to-year in preseason rankings than Machado? ‘Perts be like, “Machado’s a top ten hitter!” Then, “He’s barely a top 50 hitter!” Then, “I’d sell my left nut on eBay, I’m a Power Seller by the way, to draft Machado!” To, “Meh, I think C.J. Cron gives you the same stats 400 picks later.”
