Let’s take one more victory lap around my standing desk prior to moving on for good. A hirsute Donkey Teeth said to me in March, “I need a bold prediction from you for this season.” I wrote back, “That they’ll let you within 500 feet of a school.” He wrote back, “About baseball.” I wrote back, “The school will have a baseball team?” He wrote back, “Major League Baseball.” I wrote back, “Venmo me $100 for wasting my time.” Then, after a week back-and-forth, I said the first bold prediction that came to my mind: Keston Hiura‘s batting average would bottom out and he’d be demoted. He was going in the first 50 picks of drafts. This was not a willy and/or nilly bold prediction. People loved Keston Hiura. After that bold prediction, I doubled down, and he was my first sell of the season, telling you to get rid of him the day after Opening Day. *begins to pant* Okay, I’m winded, victory lap over. Keston Hiura (1-for-3, 1 run) was recalled yesterday, and I picked him up in all leagues. I, Mr. Don’t Draft Keston, picked him up? Yes, because now his price isn’t a 4th round pick, but free. Free’s good. Hiura still had strikeout issues in the minors — 34.2%, which is honestly laughably bad. If his price weren’t free, I’d prolly pass. It’s funny how many people are now suddenly excited about Hiura when he seems to have exactly the same problem. Serious question: Are the Brewers capable of teaching how to not strikeout? *looks randomly at their entire team* Forget it, I can answer myself. So, grab Hiura for the speed/power, but don’t be surprised if he still hits in the .180 range. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. That schmotato is hot and can shake your tail feather*. *Shaking tail feather is optional, details where offer applies. Not applicable in Guam or U.S. Virgin Islands.
Brandon Woodruff – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.41. The Brewers literally need one hitter who can get on base, and that pitching staff will curb-stomp opponents, and they went out and got the hitter (Willy Adames) with the 2nd worst strikeout rate in all of baseball. Hey, not to tell anyone how to do their job, but the Brewers are awful at their job. Offer anything to the Marlins for Corey Dickerson and anything to the Phils for Odubel, you giant dopes!
Trent Grisham – Hit the IL with a bruised heel. Wonder who will fill in for him. I could Profar a guess.
Tommy Pham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .195. Damn, Pham, he’s been awful. Though, when I went to look at the Player Rater to see how Phamished his stats have been, I saw him, and right above around 525th overall, I saw Dominic Smith. Both around the same value as Stephen Vogt. Yikes.
Jesus Luzardo – Scheduled to make a rehab start on Thursday. Hopefully he doesn’t prepare for his rehab start with MLB The Show.
Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.92. On one hand, how do you give up four earned against the Mariners? On the other hand, this is the best he’s looked for strikeouts. On a third hand which is Hamburger Helper cut out of a box, his ERA is still 4.92.
Ty France – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Ty…goes to the France!
Keynan Middleton – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save, as Graveman is on the 1-day to ‘who knows’ IL. Rafael Montero (1 IP, 1 ER) worked the 7th and is clearly the low man on the totem pole, which means he’s the one to get pissed on.
Kyle Lewis – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .245. Mazel tov, maybe now people will stop waiting to drop him for a day. His HardHit% is up; his Ks are down; his Launch Angle is up. Lewis going to have a big month or three; he’s just slowly getting there. Don’t panic. If anything, buy low.
Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .146. Jarred uncanned that one!
Spencer Turnbull – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Anticipating a ceremony, Johnny Vander Meer’s family changed the gauze around Johnny’s mummy for this?
Austin Gomber – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.56. You with the 1992 They Might Be Giants concert t-shirt, I’d start you against the current Mets lineup. Streamonator is slightly positive on Gomber’s next start, but it’s not the Mets, so I’d be careful.
James McCann – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .202. That home run was for all you haters who thought McCann retired in March. Member when he was a sneaky draft day pick? That feels like from a different year. Well, this might actually get some wind in his confidence sails, and boost him a little. He, honestly, can’t be much worse.
David Peterson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.91. Using the Streamonator, I’m streaming Peterson in multiple weekly leagues for that two-start week, and this was supposed to be the easy start. Lowercase yay.
Starling Marte – Will begin a rehab assignment today, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s back by Friday. Ya know, like a normal vet player on rehab. Not like Cody Bellinger and Mondesi who are now valued members of their minor league teams, apparently.
Sixto Sanchez – Will throw a bullpen session today. Not to be the Grey in every silver lining, but Sixto needs to throw bullpen sessions without setbacks, then go on at least a two-week rehab assignment, i.e., he’s still a month away, and that’s if everything goes well.
Jorge Alfaro – Activated from the IL. He missed a month with a strained hamstring. Sounds like a future Met.
Trevor Rogers – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 1.75. I like Trevor Rogers a lot, so don’t take this the wrong way, but this em-effer’s gonna get so visited by the Regression Fairies at some point.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. He usually has a few-day scorcher in his tank per month, and might be entering the inferno now. Call up, T.J. Lavin.
Brad Miller – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (3), and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.84. Is it me or do you want to add an apostrophe on the end of names that end with “in?” Meh, maybe me. Any hoo! Still like Eflin a lot, hopefully he doesn’t crush me in his next stop in the other Florida city. No, not the Jays, the other other one.
Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.48. The Cobbler took it to the O’s like they were an old lady living in a giant shoe. Apologies to any readers out there who do live in a giant shoe. Not trying to be insensitive. Please don’t cancel me.
Kyle Garlick – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. When Garlick grinds up a few and unleashes, he screams, “Toum!” Little bit of a trivia there. Any hoo! He appears hot.
Trevor Larnach – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. In one 15-team mixed league, I have Larnach the Magnificent, and it’s been slow going so far, but don’t worry my monocle is your monocle.
Carson Kelly – Activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “What would The Last Supper be like with UberEats?”
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.51. Sometimes I just randomly text Donkey about how he said it made more sense to draft Snell in the 2nd round, than me drafting Lynn at pick 56. Like at 4 AM hoping it wakes him up.
Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. Yo, we have a lot of guys heating up now, huh? Seriously, I hope this is a sign there’s a lot of offense as the weather heats up.
Ji-Man Choi – Left yesterday’s game with knee soreness. More like Knee-Man amiright?
Joey Wendle – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .306. On the Player Rater, he’s been as valuable as Franmil (now will be more, since the injury), Nelson Cruz, and Trent Grisham. Insane value coming from him. Mr. Wendle is no bum.
Manuel Margot – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th steal. Is there anything more Rays than them putting up 14 runs with Margot as their cleanup hitter? Only thing maybe more Rays is if they had Colin Moran hitting cleanup and he was now a 50+ homer threat.
Alek Manoah – Being called up for Wednesday’s game in Yankee Stadium. Buckle up, kid, it’s gonna get rocky. “I thought the Rocky statue was in Philly.” Shut up, kid. Alek Manoah looks to me like Lance Lynn meets a background extra from Uncut Gems. Manoah looks like he will sell you a knockoff Rolex. I will call him a Rolek. His build is why the term big-bodied came to be defined. A Rolek looks like he could throw 200 IP without breaking a sweat, in one game. Everything I’ve seen has impressed me, from his 96 MPH fastball to his gorge 82 MPH slider. I grabbed him in my RCL (12-team mixed), and would’ve grabbed him in more places if he were available. Roofies suck, so expectations in check, but you’ll never breathe if you can’t Blue Velvet an oxygen mask while watching a rookie starter.
Ross Stripling – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.63. Is it me (it’s not me) or is it more impressive when a guy comes into the game in the 2nd down big (5-0, in Stripling’s case yesterday) and then throws lights-out? You don’t have to answer, I know it is. Stripling is a Streamonator call, and, even after yesterday, I wouldn’t touch him in most instances.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 3-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .247. “My cousin has a tank of piranhas we can drop him into–Wait! Lourdes moved! He’s alive!”
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (7) and legs (3), hitting .322. Lesson learned, do not bet against any hitters in Dunedin, and later Buffalo. In fact (Grey’s got more!), stream any hitters in those spots like they’re Coors.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .333. Vladdy’s Best Shape of His Life is the best Best Shape of His Life. If I were opposing teams, I’d start following him around looking for weak moments: Astros’ exec steps behind Vladdy, as they get on an elevator, “Hey, could you hit floor six for me?…Thanks. By the way, I have this king-size Port Wine, spreadable cheeseball I’m not eating, any interest?”