“What a day for a game! We have Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander squaring off today to decide who goes to the World Series for the American League, and–hold on, clear the room! Mr. Met, no! Don’t do it!–*tv channel goes to static*” Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but the Mets did well at the deadline. It’s not how they would’ve imagined it in the preseason, but unloading two fossils for prospects, and they can just buy again this offseason. Of course, they’ll likely take the prospects they just got and trade them for, like, George Springer, but it’s a strategy. Now, due to their luxury tax implications, it’s imperative they lose as many games as possible, which brings me to: You too can be a Mets starter! Just head down to Metco and line up! Auditions start at 2 PM on Thursday. So, Justin Verlander returns to the Astros…*yawns* If the biggest move during the Trade Deadline is Justin Verlander returning to Houston, then what a snooze. Let’s go Yankees, do a move no one likes! Let’s go Dodgers, grab another player no one wants! C’mon, Rays, grab another forgotten starter and make him an ace! A guy Verlander’s age doesn’t change suddenly. He can be great for ratios, and give IP, but his Ks have gone bye-bye and he’s not locating as well. He goes to a tougher park, but an easier division, though the Astros face a bunch of AL East teams in August. I’ll say it’s lateral, and you should know what you’re getting. Well…You could be getting a one-day contract to pitch for the Mets! Just head down to the stadium!
As it turned out, all of that Verlander business was a preamble for a historical event that was about to happen that night. Was it Lance Lynn’s first crotch grab on his new team, the Dodgers? Well, that did happen, but no-no. Framber Valdez threw a no-hitter with one walk and 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.07. So, The Framchise threw the Astros’ first lefty no-hitter on a day they brought back a guy with three of them. It’s pretty inspiring. Maybe you’re next for the Mets! Seriously, they need arms, head down to Metco this Thursday. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jean Segura – Traded to the Guards and released. As a Never-Nude guy, I don’t like losing any Jeans.
Jake Burger – Traded to the Marlins. My autocorrect changed Burger-Marlins to a Burger-Merkin and now I have that image in my head so you will as well. Sorry, not sorry. “Hey, man, why do you have a burger covering your crotch?” “It’s my Burger Merkin, man, what’s your problem?” That would make more sense why Lance Lynn keeps grabbing himself. Why am I snorting at the thought of someone using a burger as merkin? I’m so juvenile. Any hoo! Good for the Marlins, who are real buyers. Love that! Burger is a great pickup too, he could hit the ball out of any park. He’s one of the most underrated power hitters maybe in the game. Underrated or underwear? Burger Merkin!
Josh Bell – Traded to the Marlins. Just as everyone assumed, the Marlins the biggest buyers. Though, I hate this move. You had Josh Bell already in Garrett Cooper with just a slightly less flashy name. I’m not a Josh Bell fan at all. He’s such a ground ball machine. Can understand Miami looking at Bad Boys’ Will Smith to enjoy a little Summertime and Gettin’ Jiggy Wit’ It, but they should’ve stopped before Ring My Bell. Will be interesting to see if the Guards bring up Manzardo immediately or let this year play out. Like the teamster smoking, my guess is leaning on the latter. There’s no reason to bring him up before September, at least.
Michael Lorenzen – Traded to the Phils. But he’s approaching his IP limit, like DC Comics. So, he could be used as a reliever, and, honestly, he’d prolly hit more homers than Bryce if he DH’d every day. He’s fine in deeper mixed leagues if he’s starting, but super iffy on long-term value.
Rodolfo Castro – Traded to the Phils. He’s a utility man with a high utilities bill, which is why he carries his phone in his back pocket.
Garrett Cooper – Traded to the Padres. I said above that Bell was Cooper, so, let me clarify, I don’t love Cooper either. Cooper had little value as an everyday hitter, and he’s not an everyday hitter anymore.
Josiah Gray – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER. ERA at 3.54. His peripherals are very not good. Gray is the new blech.
Jack Flaherty – Traded to the Orioles. O’s have become a solid “we can fix him” team for pitchers, and Flaherty has appeared mechanically off for a few years, so will be interesting to see if the O’s can fix him, but that’s the kind of thing that doesn’t happen overnight, so Flaherty might need an offseason for real fixing. The stadium is good, the team is much better for wins, but Flaherty’s command won’t be fixed overnight, so it’s good for his value, but he doesn’t suddenly become an ace. As for the Cards’ opening, I’d guess Liberatore moves back into the Cards’ rotation, but that’s an NL-Only note.
Gunnar Henderson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Love to see the Orioles do well this year, but I also want Gunnar to fade so his draft price is low next year. Conflicted!
Bo Bichette – Didn’t start, but there’s no structural damage to his knee. Your hexagonal prayers were answered as it’s not an ACL. It still may require an IL stint, though.
Paul DeJong – Traded to the Jays. The Jays went from Boba to mustard. Guess if you’re dipping your hot dog into a drink that’s a positive, or if you’re using a hot dog as a straw. DeJong goes to a better lineup, but what has that done for Matt Chapman? I mean, a bit better, but emphasis on a “bit.”
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. He goes zero to schmotato in a second.
Danny Jansen – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 3rd homer in a week. He has 29 HRs in two years in 141 games. Zoinks!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.20, as he was activated from the IL. Lot of people asking about Ryu, and I can’t understand it. Ryu desperate?
Ben Lively – 4 IP, 13 ER, ERA at 5.20. Ben Deadly.
Trey Mancini – Designated for assignment. Oh no, not Man-cheeny, as my Italian relatives would call him.
Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, and 3 homers in two games. Also, back: Cody Bellinger (3-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam, 16, and legs, 13) hit a homer off the scoreboard that was vintage “Damn, Bellinger is awesome.” Finally, though, who are we kidding, every Cubs hitter hit something, Mike Tauchman went 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and had a slam (6) and legs (4).
Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Holy crap, he only has three homers this year! Sure, maybe he gets hot, but it’s August! Holy crap!
Brendan Donovan – Set to undergo season-ending surgery. Ugh, just brutal. Also, with the loss of Colonel Mustard, and Cards now actually need an infielder. Yesterday, they went to Camp Grenada at 2nd saying, Hello Motter.
Zack Gelof – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer in only 15 games. Held off on touting him a lot when he was hitting for power on a recent Coors’ road trip, but now: Hot schmotato alert!
Carlos Rodon – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.29. I’m ready to get off this sinking ship.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and it’s about the 10th time I’m mentioning Mr. 2nd Half.
Luis Urias – Traded to the Red Sox. With the wall adding thirty points on his BABIP, that camera adding 15 pounds, and his power, this could end being a solid move, but clearly not worth anything in mixed leagues until he gets hot, or does literally anything. Feels like AL-Only leagues got everyone.
Reese McGuire – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Must’ve been weird for him to get that jack off with so many watching.
Pete Alonso – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. Albombso!
Francisco Alvarez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. A catcher with 21 homers on the first day of August, who didn’t even play in the majors all year, is still eliciting questions in the comments.
Rich Hill – Traded to the Padres. Hey, one love to Dick Mountain, but if Juan Soto, Manny Machado, Blake Snell, Josh Hader and others don’t make you a playoff contender, I’m not sure Rich Hill puts you over the top.
Ji-Man Choi – Traded to the Padres. Pirates’ GM, Ben Cherington, was singing Black Sheep on the phone with the Padres while trading Rich Hill, and ended up including Ji-Man when he told them the Choi’s Yours.
Scott Barlow – Traded to the Padres. Ha, if you thought Hill and Choi might not fix the Padres? Don’t worry, they got the worst former closer! Carlos Hernandez should take over in Kansas City, and likely will be better than the last guy, but the bar was low.
Alfonso Rivas – Went to Pirates in Choi/Hill trade. Might not amount to more than league-average, but I like Alfonso Rivas. Was a solid pickup by the Pirates. Classic Padres just throwing away prospects for no reason. He’s a bit old (26), but in 58 Triple-A games he went 9/8/.332. That was with a high BABIP, and he’s barely NL-Only, but it’s worth a monocle.
Liover Peguero – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in 11 games in the majors. He’s got 60-grade speed too. I have him in one NL-Only league, so I’ve been very aware of what he’s doing, but I think it’s still a monocle situation in mixed leagues. That’s two monocles in two blurbs. If only someone had a nose bridge to sell me!
Griffin Canning – Hit the IL. This also gives Silseth more thlack on hith leath.
Michael Harris II – 2-for-3 and his 10th and 11th homer. So, that’s what the II stands for!