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The Dodgers vs. Mariners series is a possible October matchup in April, or as I like to call it, “Who Will Mrs. Seager Love More? Kyle or Corey?” And it produced a fantastic start by Julio Urias (7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 11Ks, ERA at 2.81). You could even say eye-opening. Seriously, though, he looks great. Not him looking, necessarily. Seattle’s a pretty terrible offense right now. I saw Kyle Seager batting third, and I was like dubya tee eff on that my man, but then I looked at rest of the lineup, and there was no one else I would’ve put in that slot. They’re hitting two catchers in one lineup, like that’s a thing. Side note: That’s not a thing. Urias, though, I said this after his first start of the year, and I will say again after this awkward preamble, if I could go back to the preseason, I’d make him my sneaky NL Cy Young pick. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mookie Betts – X-rays came back negative on his forearm, and it proves the tchotchkes you have collected over the years that you pray to work.

Marco Gonzales – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.04. There’s the normie number three starter we all thought we were drafting. That’s all, just be normie. All anyone could ask from a number three. Streamonator hates his next start, but the Astros don’t scare me.

Kyle Lewis – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I like muffins, so I thought calling Sarah in HR ‘muffin top’ was a compliment, but two weeks paid vacation sounds good.”

Juan Soto – Hit the IL with a strained shoulder. *closes laptop, opens window, jumps out, lands one flight below in rose bush, screams in pain, cries for five hours, stands up* I’m fine now. Totally good.

Josh Bell – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Well, I’m glad the Nats were able to find offense elsewhere–*quickly changes to anger*–Of course I don’t care the Nats found offense elsewhere! I only care about Juan Soto!

Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 10.95. Sonavabench! I guess that’s good though. The other scenario is he pitched poorly again, and we had to drop him. Now, we can start him next time out and watch him ride our ratios hard and put them to bed wet. In all seriousness, he was getting hit hard in the 1st, but settled in and his velocity was just about 91 MPH, so, well, it’s okay. Not great. Start by start basis still.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.03. “Are you going to hold the ball all day or you gonna pitch it?” “I’m not sure I know…how.” “Is it a confidence thing?” “No, it’s a ‘I have no arms or legs’ thing.” That’s a jar with Adam Wainwright’s soul resting on the mound in the year 2197 talking to a 215-year-old Molina.

Lance Lynn – Tony La Russa is optimistic about Lynn returning as soon as his IL stint is over. La Russa is also optimistic about the reintroduction of the beaver in the southern hemisphere. Wink, wink.

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 0.47. The Ghost of Johnny Vander Meer was like, “Oh, get out with this start. You dug me up for this?” Which makes you wonder, why was a ghost buried? Also, this is everything that’s wrong still with Rodon’s game. He’s going to have his breakfast, lunch, dinner and brunch handed to him one of these starts with that command.

Jose Abreu – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .221. Mickey Mouse MVP gettin’ goofy with himself.

Zach Plesac – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.75. My pleading eyes were on Plesac, asking him please, please, Plesac, and that was fruitless like rhubarb pie. Now that we have a bit more of a sample, it’s clear he’s struggling with his fastball and slider. The slider is the biggest worry because that’s the one that was “Lights out, I have to be up early!” and now it’s “nightlight adjacent.” Don’t think any leagues are shallow enough to drop him, but concern is high.

Jordan Luplow – 1-for-2, 2 runs, and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer in the last four games. Hot schmotato alert!

Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.40. *opens multiple websites, reads headline multiple times, closes them* Wow, the Yankees won? Streamonator dislikes Taillon’s next start, but I honestly see no reason to not start him. Of course, I’m using my gut, which I just confused by eating Burger King chicken fries.

Gio Urshela – 2-for-3, and his 2nd homer. Chased a bit to hit a double, but then went mollywhopping for a 437-feet homer on a Morton 4-seamer, so might be the start of something, but was next to nothing coming in — that’s what she said derisively!

Alec Bohm – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .230. Oh don’t let Bohm get hot! (Please get hot.) I said you best not let my man Bohm get hot! (Please for all that is holy.)

Brad Miller – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he took over for Jean Segura, who left with a strained quad. Odd thing to find in a colander. Miller seems like a quick and dirty add in NL-Only leagues, but I’d want to see more in mixers.

Jake McGee – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.89, as he was activated from the IL. McGee spent less time on the IL for the Giants than I spent on the toilet evacuating the San Fran Oracle Park garlic fries from my insides.

Buster Posey – 3-for-4, 3 runs, and his 3rd and 4th homer. I was kidding the other day about catchers and their homers, but do catchers have more homers than any other position? I’m seriously losing my mind.

Alex Dickerson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. The last time a Dickerson did that well in Philly was against an old and busted Jaworski. Grey knows football (from around 1983 to about ’87)!

Tommy La Stella – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Launch Angle Stella is on the board, and on pace for, like 17 homers, which, honestly, sounds about right. Get ’em, Launchy!

Chris Paddack – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Ticker shock. He actually gave up five runs, but four were unearned. That start is expressed by saying, “Good?”

Christian Yelich – Counsell said, while holding the microphone in a strange manner, that Yelich was doing a lot of activity. Yeah, same, brah.

Billy McKinney – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.37. Okay, we got it. You’re starting the All-Star Game. Whoop-dee-doo!

Jon Gray – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Confession alert! Not only did I grab Gray — self love! — in mixed leagues, but I also started him at home, and *quietly so no one makes fun of me* I’m going to continue to do it. His peripherals have bounced back from last year, and he’s back to where he was when he was a perennial 3.80-ish ERA starter. Not incredible, but there’s value there in 15-team mixed and deeper.

C.J. Cron – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. “If we fill his pants with concrete, we can just put him in the driveway hole–Wait! He’s moving! Cron’s alive!”

Luis Garcia – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Podcaster Geoff (he’s no longer Ralph; I know, it will take some getting used to) is a big fan of Luis Garcia, which is why I have him on one very deep team. He has a lot of pitches, and a body that should be able to hold up to the rigors of pitching, i.e., he might be better for real baseball. Think he’s going to be without much hype, but could be a workhorse.

Nick Solak – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Solak is in the early lead for most comments asked about. Hey, I wrote a sleeper post for him, so, yeah, I like him, you ding dongs!

Shohei Ohtani – 4 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 6 BBs, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.04. Doing humma-na-humma-na noises thinking about combining Shohei’s Ks with Kohei’s command. Give me an Ohei, but sing it like Oh Yeah from Ferris Bueller.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 2 runs, and his 5th homer, hitting .385. In all my drafts, I was least excited about my first round pick of Mike Trout. I’m also apparently very stupid.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Statcast measured his home run trot at 4.7 seconds, but he was taken around the bases by a Ford Mustang.

Austin Meadows – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. This 14-7 game felt like a throwback to when the balls were dripping with juice. Mike Zunino (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 3rd; Brandon Lowe (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd; Carlos Santana (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd and neither starter made it out of the 2nd inning. Just good old fashioned baseball, like from 2019.

Max Kepler – Tested positive for Covid, along with Garlick and Thielbar, which means they will be out for at least a week and a half and… I’d… love… to… hear… anything …on… Alex Kirilloff. Geez, I can’t stall anymore here. What’s going on?

Mitch Moreland – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Pretty sure if I drafted only Mitch Moreland and Mitch Garver in some of my leagues, I’d be doing better. Then I can go to work every day and be like, “What’s up, Mitches?!” And I can stare at the screen for hours, waiting for an answer.

Jesus Luzardo – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.89. Great start, but — and sorry about the but, it goes everywhere I go — I wonder how well starters do in 7-inning games vs. 9-inning games. It feels like they do better. Maybe because psychologically they know they only have to go five innings? I don’t know, just stuff whistling between my ears.

Jake Diekman – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, as Trivino pitched the 6th. That’s out of seven innings, so it’s not crazy, but it’s also a little crazy-making if you thought Trivino was just the sole closer.

Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Told you to draft Manaea, still like him, but what’s really on my mind, how is he Samoan and not 450 pounds or rocking an apostrophe in the middle of his name? Is there a Ted Talk you can direct me to?

Bo Bichette – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .279. My kingdom* for two 2nd round picks in every league, and no 1st round picks. *A 1985 Mark McGwire United States Baseball Team Topps card.

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. I regret to inform you Grichuk is about to hit five homers in a week, then get in an argument about bat flipping and disappear for three weeks. Either that or I should’ve just drank the sediment at the bottom of my tea cup.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA 3.38. Knock on wood that I never got Covid, but if I did, I’d totally draft myself next year.

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .393. Don’t think he hits .400. I mean, dur. No one will ever. Unless Luis Arraez is traded to the Rockies. But if I were making a list of guys who could, Bogaerts would be in the top ten.

Trey Mancini – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .206. See what I said about a half inch above for Ed-Rod, or six inches if a girl’s reading. Hey, five ladies!

Austin Hays – 1-for-4, 2 runs as he was activated from the IL. What about my Swedish applewine that I’ve been Mullins over? Oh, he’s still Mullins things over at leadoff with an 0-for-4, but forget that Scandy drama, Anthony Santander’s sprained his ankle. Whodunit?! A 1st base bag. It does say a lot about the O’s confidence in Hays that he was activated and not starting.

Miguel Rojas – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .327. Three singles and a triple. Damn, Miguel, you better woke up your fluidity, and become one throuple with no singles.

Lewis Brinson – 1-for-3, 1 run, as he takes over in center for Starling Marte. Brinson should get everyday playing time for a few weeks, and his 1-for-3 was his best game in five years.

Mike Moustakas – Hit the IL. Just a bunch of dry eyes in the house. Hopefully moistness returns soon.

Luis Castillo – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.05. His velocity seemed to be fine, but those results are not a fire emoji under my fantasy team’s butt. What I’m hoping is, once the weather warms, so does Castillo.

Jake Arrieta – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Our father who draws art in heaven of the hallowed fields of Wrigley, I bless Jake Arrieta, Latter-K Saint.

Taijuan Walker – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.21. You could’ve just signed your name on the mound, you didn’t need to act out “Walker.”

J.D. Davis – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .385. It’s about time he did something–Oh, that’s right, the Mets have only played a week plus of games. Forget it.

Neil Walker – Retired from baseball. In honor of him retiring, I’m having a shot of Neil Walker Blue. Aged 12 years, so the mediocrity has a chance to mature.

Yasiel Puig – Signed with a team in the Mexican League. He got ran out of baseball like he was Pete Rose’s bookmaker. Now Yasiel him in MLB, now ya don’t.