“Lower the koozie a little bit. No, a little bit more. Okay, now spray some mist on the outside of the can to make it look like it’s sweating. Now rub your finger from the D in Dr. to the R in Pepper. This is romance! For me!” That’s me explaining to Cougs how I want her to seduce me with a visual metaphor of Juan Soto. Or as I like to call him, Sexy Dr. Pepper. Last night he hit two more homers (2-for-3, 4 RBIs) and now has five homers on the year, hitting .344 since his call-up and he’s only 19 years old. *puts handkerchief to head, faints* He was the first 19-year-old to homer at a Yankee Stadium since Ken Griffey Jr. in 1989. He is the fifth youngest major leaguer with a two-homer game (Mel Ott, Danny Murphy (not that one), Griffey, Andruw Jones). He is the third youngest major leaguer to show up at Yankee Stadium and say, “A concession guy offered his wife to me for sex.” (Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich) Not to put the hype too much to eleven, but he is blowing away what Bryce and Trout did when they were both 19 years old. 19-year-olds who hit a home run in the last 40 years: Soto, Bryce, Trout, Justin Upton, Andruw, Griffey and Juan Gonzalez. Betting on a 19-year-old to fail who is already up in the majors succeeding is betting the Don’t Pass line, and no one likes that guy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Erick Fedde – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.91, as he was recalled. Fedde WOP!
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.98. I take this as a hollow victory that I didn’t pick him up again to get this shizz start.
Jonathan Loaisiga – Will start Friday for the Yankees and replace Tanaka, at least temporarily. Podcaster Ralph and I talk a bit about him on this week’s Fantasy Baseball podcast (clickbait!). If you click Lasagna’s name in front of this blurb, you’ll be magically transported to his projections. Looks like a decent streamer for now with 75% chance of a roofie.
Curtis Granderson – 3-for-4 and hitting over .400 in the last week, and racking up hits like Kajagoogoo. I will call him Curcurgragra. Or not, still mulling it!
J.A. Happ – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.48. If you’ve been following along with the podcast this year, you know Podcaster Ralph and I bet on who would have more fantasy value this year — Happ or Ohtani. Of course, I took Happ, so, yeah, well, dur, but beyond my magnificent mustache and full of head of hair and meltaway good looks and size 30 waist and feminine hands and–Any hoo! Happ’s peripherals are those of an ace. When you look at Happ’s peripherals against, say, Carrasco, Happ’s hold up.
Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.32. ‘Member what I said a full 24 hours ago about Chase Anderson? Well, turns out the Cubs just suck right now. Way to go into a hitters’ park and look like the dog’s breakfast. Did Bryant and Rizzo retire? Are they being held captive with Jaycee Dugard? Poor taste? Or poor taste to not be concerned? Hmm…Or HMM!!!
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-3 and a slam (8) and legs (13), hitting .287, .388 OBP. Look at Cain…Sugar! pimp-smashing balls and taking that freebase. Yo, Cain…Sugar, you Iceberg Slim? Tell me true.
Mike Montgomery – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.31. There’s no way this happens, but Darvish should go to mop-up duty with Montgomery staying in the rotation. Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, but I’m starting him until further notice.
Garrett Richards – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring injury. He’s been plagued by leg issues ever since the Angels switched his right arm with his left leg. Though, he can also put his sock and shoe on without bending over.
Blake Parker – 2 IP, 1 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.67 as he entered the game in the 7th inning because The Sciosciapath thought the game would be called for rain. Where does The Sciosciapath live? Anyone know? Okay, go build a mental asylum around his house. Razzball will supply the bricks.
David Fletcher – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs in his first start, as he hit ninth. Yo, Sciosciapath, Fletcher looks good, best get him out of your lineup, you Mikehole!
Krispie Young – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 3rd homer, as he came a double short of a cycle. That means he hit a tricycle. That’s a clown cycle, bro.
Zack Cozart – Left yesterday’s game with a shoulder strain. Maybe he can borrow one of Richards’ leg-arms.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and now five homers in the last five games. When will this home run streak end? At 20 homers? 22 homers? Do I hear 23 homers? 24 homers for the man with the bushy eyebrows and the denim shirt!
Ryon Healy – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and 4th homer in three games. What Joc Pederson is doing can’t be denied, Max Muncy is Muncy’ing on schmotatoes, but Healy is one of the hottest bats in the major leagues! Grab him now!
Mitch Haniger – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and third homer in two games. Let’s get this straight, because I can’t even believe my eyes. I say Jose Martinez doesn’t hit for enough power, and he goes on a streak of homers unseen since Dale Long. I then say Haniger needs to hit more homers, and he becomes en schmotato! Can I get some power from Lindor? Just asking because I have a gift.
Chris Sale – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 2.75. He was uncharacteristically wild yesterday, or as he likes to say, “The ump sucked.”
Mookie Betts – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .354. Mookie Ballgame!
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 22nd homer, hitting .313. Just Dong because he enjoys air under his balls.
Ian Desmond – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .197. If imagining Desmond in Coors in the summer doesn’t give you the shudders, you better check your pulse. That’s shudders, not shutters, and you don’t have shingles.
Tyler Anderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.48. I Googled Tyler Anderson for his peripherals and Google responded, “Did you mean Tyler Anderson who you’ve checked on after every one of his good starts and came away unimpressed?” I responded yes, but Googled banned me from going further.
Jesmuel Valentin – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer. Fun fact! I spent ten minutes trying to sound out his name. Hess-moo-el? Jess-mule? He-schmoolie?
Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.25. Peak Pivetta. Absolutely, peak. Not sure if he’s the unlucky one or I am for owning him. Either way, that sucked. His peripherals are still saying he should be a lot better, so either Pineda bleached his skin like Sammy Sosa and only changed a few letters of his last name, or Pivetta will turn the ship around.
Peripherals still look good for Pivetta. *thinking half second*
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 14, 2018
Dylan Covey – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (0 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.29. Hard to trust him, hard not to trust him. What do we do with that? His peripherals are actually not that bad, and I’m ready to loosen reins on picking him up, but his next matchup is not great. He gets the Indians again (faced last night) and this time in Cleveland. So a team that just saw him, and at home? So hard to trust…so hard not to trust. Stupid sides of brain!
Trevor Bauer – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.69. He’s on pace for 297 Ks. I want to put that in a ball pit at Sesame Place and roll around in it.
Caleb Smith – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.75. I don’t want to get into a measuring of the pee-pee contest between pitchers I own, but Smith should not be better than Pivetta, yet here we are.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .262. Putting up a solid year. Dot dot dot. If it were April and 1968.
Wil Myers – Starts rehab today. *rips up retirement card I bought at CVS to send Myers* Guess he’s still playing.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 4th homer in the last ten games. OZUNA eat balls for dinner. OZUNA enjoy mountain oysters.
Jose Martinez – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .321. Will miss this weekend series due to his baby being born. Dude, all babies look like a pre-lap band Matt Adams. You can spend time with the infant this offseason. I need you for my fantasy team!
Niko Goodrum – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Has done nothing recently, but he did share 1st base duties last night, and, with Miggy gone, space for Goodrum might’ve opened, which is something I never thought I’d say.
Tyler Mahle – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.96. This start was against the Royals, who thought re-signing Alcides was good for their offense, but the Stream-o-Nator does love Mahle’s next start, so there’s that.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .188. I don’t even care about results, and the Reds shouldn’t either. They should be embarrassed of themselves for lifting Winker, but playing Duvall. The Phils are over there hitting Kingery third (and he K’d 4 times), but at least they’re showing confidence in him. Winker has hit everywhere in the lineup and gets lifted for scrubs. Seriously, shameful.
Matt Moore – Being moved to a bullpen role. Was always a bigger fan of Matt Connery.
Justin Turner – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and his 1st homer in two weeks. How’s dem apples?! Red, like his hair.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer, and three homers in the past two games. We’ll see what ‘morrow holds for Osso Buco. (Think I’m spelling white bear in Spanish wrong.)
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .237. Piscotty doesn’t know!…how he became a 5th outfielder who looks like he should be sent down.
Khris Davis – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 18th and 19th homer, hitting .243. Alternate universe Khris Davis is so much better than regular Chris Davis now it’s hard to believe it was ever the other way around.
Jameson Taillon – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.94. I put some eyes, mine specifically, on Taillon’s new slide piece and it looks like it could be an unhittable pitch. Throw that shizz 30% of the time and stop the BS’ing! Been out on Taillon for a little while, but ready to lighten the foot on the clutch and begin to take him out for a spin again.
Zack Greinke – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.87. Greinke had no explanation for his ineffectiveness, but he will get back to you after six hours of intense scrutiny to let you know what he comes up with.
David Peralta – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .274. According to ESPN, he’s projected for 29 homers. El oh what? Hey, I’m all for goofy projections — I projected Odor for, like, a 40/20 season, but seriously WUT. And this is coming from someone who likes Peralta. Oh, and he’s hitting near-.400 in the last week.
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.55. DeGrom (capped when starting a sentence) took the mound in the 1st inning and said he was off-book and didn’t need any lines read to him, as he auditioned to be on any other team.
Noah Syndergaard – The 2nd specialist confirmed the same diagnosis as the first specialist: a strained finger, which will likely knock him out until July. The 2nd specialist added, “Why did the Mets trainer say, ‘Don’t call me a doctor, I’m University of Phoenix accredited?'”
Mike Soroka – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.57, as he was activated from the DL. I want to erotically touch my junk to Soroka in the most gay way possible and every possible definition of gay applies. Merry gay, gay gay, Marcia Gay Harden! I’ve given you a full-on Mike Soroka fantasy previously and most of it, until the part where he might get sent down, stands. *spectators lining up, gawking* “Whoa, that post stands…on its own.” Grab Soroka in every league!
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .344. This is a fantasy baseball blog, at least that’s what my SEO says, and I get super annoyed when sites talk about real baseball casually like it has anything to do with fantasy. Like when they mention someone hit a game-winning homer, as if that counts for more. Yay, Jose Sportsmanarino hit a homer in the 11th to win a game! Who cares? With that said (Grey is turning this ship around!), the Braves are fun to watch. They might be my new favorite team.