Yesterday, Kyle Hendricks went 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA (if that’s even possible at this point) to 2.09. The Seattle museum, Experience Music Project is going to need to update their Hendricks section. EMP Tour guide, “In 1970, Hendricks said, ‘I’m going to take my guitar, grab Janis, impregnate Afeni Shakur, have my lawyer write a letter that says Ben and/or Jerry can never name an ice cream after me while simultaneously sucking and blowing this joint. Then thirty-six years later, I’m going to win the NL Cy Young if the BBWAA votes based on ERA.’ Now, let’s move on to our five floors of Nirvana memorabilia. There’s some interesting flannel stories I can’t wait to share.” No, of course, Kyle Hendricks isn’t this good. His fastball velocity is down to 87 MPH, he’s relying heavily on a changeup that isn’t that much slower and his BABIP is absurdly low. Not saying you drop him, but if Hendricks does win the Cy Young, in 2017, the same faith that befell Dallas Keuchel this year will happen to Hendricks too. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .294. HR to the Rizzo!
John Lackey – Could return on Sunday vs. the Giants. Yet, all I can think about when I see his face is that he looks like a horse-toothed jackass. Baba booey!
Gerrit Cole – Received a promising 2nd opinion about his elbow and could return this season. If we were in April, I’d say, “Cool, he can return, this is great,” but since it’s September, I say, “Cool, he can return, this is great,” but this time we pull back to reveal I’m absentmindedly saying it while dropping him.
Ivan Nova – On track to make his next start vs. the Brewers, after leaving early his last start vs. the Brewers. Apparently, the Brewers weren’t the problem area of the equation.
Corey Seager – Was hit by a pitch twice on Monday, but x-rays on his wrist came back negative. He’s day-to-day, unless the giant baseball magnet he’s wearing gets him pegged by a foul ball.
Clayton Kershaw – Worked a two-inning simulated game, and now will go on a minor league rehab assignment. Random Minor Leaguer, “Ma, come out to see me play, because, after this year, I’m retiring from baseball to work at Chipotle full-time.” Random Minor Leaguer after realizing who he’ll be facing, “Ma, bring some Kershaw memorabilia for me to get autographed. I’m about to get my eBay on.”
Steven Matz – Suffered a setback and won’t start Thursday. Anyone that cares about Matz or the Mets or Metz, if you’re a 14-year-old girl, this is the best news by far. You do not want him starting anywhere, and hopefully he gets shut down for the year.
Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.60. This might be because I watched him vs. looking at his minor league numbers, but he looks nasty. Seth Lugo’s stuff is kinda ridiculous. Well, his curve at least. He looked like he could strike out anyone with it, while not being overly dominant with his fastball. I’d look at Stream-o-Nator for him, and be willing to start him in his next game.
Jose Reyes – 4-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .300. Well, hitting .301 if you count both leagues.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. He was struggling with a knee issue, but now that he’s back, there is no hotter schmotato. Hitting over .500 in his last week of games with 4 homers. Asdrubal!
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homer, both off the bench, which means even if you owned him, you likely didn’t start him — sonavabench!
Tom Koehler – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.02. His home ERA is 3.46 and he’s a prototypical homeschooler, which doesn’t necessarily have to mean he breastfed until 12.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer as he hit cleanup. Speaking of breastfeeding until 12, have you seen Yelich’s mom? She’s eligible at MI and LF.
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .304. Owning J.T. hasn’t been the most exciting, but it could be worse. You could have that new J.T. song, Can’t Stop the Feeling, stuck in your head. Got that sunshine in my pocket, got that good soul in my feet. UGH!
Shelby Miller – Will start for the Diamondbacks today vs. the Giants. Vegas line for the game is +5. You can bet whether or not Miller will get five or more outs. I’d take the under.
Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.17 vs. Johnny Cueto – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.98 – This was a matchup of big offseason acquisitions. If Greinke would’ve went to the Giants and that park, he’d be the one with the pristine ERA, and Cueto in Arizona would have a 4+ ERA too. No foolsies.
Daniel Hudson – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 2nd save, ERA at 6.10. If you pick up Hudson, it sends a message, that message is, “I really need saves.”
Desmond Jennings – Was released by the Rays. Bit surprising, or maybe that’s surprising obit. Not like the Rays are overflowing with offense. Outfield of Kiermaier’s hitting .221, Souza’s hitting .236, Dickerson’s hitting .235 isn’t exactly murderer’s row unless you mean you own them and your team is walking The Green Mile. Meh, Jennings hasn’t done much to warrant defending him either.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 and his 31st homer, hitting .287. Doesn’t really have a legit chance to match his best career year, because he used to chip in steals too, but he’s really not far off from his best year, and I guess if he were to have Septactular last month, then he could come close. Though, I don’t see anyone actually thinking positive thoughts on Longoria, which means his 2017 price won’t be inflated. (Unless he gets to 40 homers, that number changes peoples’ perceptions.)
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.56 vs. Drew Pomeranz – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.00 (4.06 on Boston). This was a matchup of two guys you own, want to start, do start, hold your hands over your eyes wishing you didn’t start, then are happy with two no decisions. See, I know you. I know you. Yes, you, said a’la a synchronized swimmer on SNL.
Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .281. Since the day after I told you to drop him, over two weeks ago, he has two homers, one steal, and one big whoop.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-4 and his 31st homer. Watch Dozier get 35 homers. I don’t mean, watch replays of all of his homers; I mean where did his hillbilly power come from that he’s suddenly getting 35 homers?
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting near-.350 in the last week with two hits in six of his last ten games. Hot schmotato alert!
Josh Tomlin – 1 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 4.89. Can’t believe the Indians sold their soul for only four months of good pitching, but, then again, they did sell Manhattan for $24 dollars in Mardi Gras beads.
Rajai Davis – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .259. I Mr. Bungled the handling of Rajai on my team. When Naquin owned June and July like he was the maker of calendars/breaker of chains, I dropped Rajai, and I shouldn’t have.
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, hitting .286. Weren’t Kipnis and Dozier supposed to be similar? This is like when you go with your family for a month long trip to Europe right before high school, then you return and your best friend has all new friends, a slick new haircut and you’re the dork with Zubaz. I’m not speaking from experience.
Stephen Strasburg – Will return next week from his elbow inflammation. WebMD said to test how inflamed an elbow is you wet your finger, put it to the inflammed shoulder and listen for a sizzle sound. WebMD is so helpful. You know that Showtime series, The Knick, that explores the medical profession 100 years ago? They should have a current-day series where people only use WebMD for everything.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.89. From the “Baseball Is Weird” Files, Scherzer had a no-hitter going last night and lost it in the 6th to Freddy Galvis with a double. Same exact thing happened last year, no-hitter, in sixth, Galvis doubles. You know what this means, someone needs to give Galvis a pat on a head with brass knuckles, so Scherzer can get his. Scherzer’s had months of 60 Ks this year. Why do we care? Cause he’s 62 Ks away from 300 Ks. Crazy.
Trea Turner – 2-for-4 and his 18th steal. Treat Urner has only played in 43 games. Oh no! Here comes the Prorater! In 160 games, he’d have 20 HRs and 75 steals. I’m typing this last sentence with my drool.
Ryan Howard – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. This has to be considered a win for all involved with Howard. If he wasn’t hitting .196. If he wasn’t being paid $25 million. And if he was 21 years old. So, there’s some caveats.
Arodys Vizcaino – Went back to the DL with an inflammed shoulder. Too bad, so sad. Bring on Johnson! Which is something I’ve never said before, in any context.
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 1st homer on his new team, the Padres. Is it me or doesn’t it seem like he gets hot for about a week after he lands on a new team then gets ice cold? Where’s Oswaldo? On a new team, because that’s the only way he hits.
Travis Jankowski – 2-for-4 and his 29th steal. Your schmotato was two weeks ago, get your shizz together, Jankowski.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Padres just couldn’t handle Teheran, which sounds like a humanitarian effort gone horribly wrong.
Adonis Garcia – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. You thought Adonis would have a two-hit game and not get a mention? Homey, you don’t know me. I like my tiramisu with mascarpone.
Kendall Graveman – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.96. The guy who brought the K placards to the game went home with a lowered self-worth. Hope you’re happy!
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, as he was activated from the DL with an ear issue. Rasmus’ family knew there was an issue when they realized he wasn’t just mimicking that cellphone commercial, “Can you hear me now?”
Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.80. I’ve had some luck using the Stream-o-Nator with this schmohawk, but it hates his next start and I wouldn’t mess with him.
Tim Tebow – Held a two-hour workout yesterday. One major league scout said, “He looked like an actor trying to portray a baseball player. Thankfully, not Steve Buscemi or Dylan Baker. Someone who was somewhat believable as a baseball player. No, Dennis Quaid is too believable. Maybe a young Woody Harrelson.”
Cole Hamels – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 2.91. This should’ve been a cakewalk, but that’s why they play the games, to which you say, “Not in Strat-o-Matic!”
Rougned Odor – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .272. If he gets to 30 homers, it’ll be a crazy quiet 30-homer season, right? I mean, other than wax on-wax off’ing Bautista’s smugshot, Odor’s been relatively quiet, right?
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .290. Real question, I wonder if he can tap his head and rub his stomach at the same time.
James Paxton – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.83, and tore his middle finger nail off in the middle of his start. Every start it’s something else with this guy. It’s like The Boy Who Cried Wolf, but he’s The Boy Who Sometimes Looks Like Randy Wolf.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. You know, someone’s going to have the team name next year, Judge, Ju-Uri and Mexicutioner. You just know this.
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer, hitting .251. Worth putting a monocle on the cyclops for Kendrys if you need power.
Jarrod Dyson – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 22nd steal. The guy who drafted Dyson in March with the hope he’d become the leadoff man just perked up, “I’m making my move out of ninth place!”
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer, hitting .214. If Frazier can get 25 homers in September, I could potentially win my RCL. Keep hope alive!
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .273. His post-All-Star break numbers have been atrocious. Or as his Jewish mother would say, “Would it hurt you to swing at better pitches?”
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 19th homer, hitting .321. Random Prediction Alert! He’s going to be a fifth round bargain next year.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer, and, like, 8th homer in the last 3 games. You can wait to add him, but it kinda defeats the purpose if you wait for him to cool off.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.53. This game was vs. the Brewers, a team that has struck out more than fifty times the next worst team. Okay, that didn’t sound right, but you get the drift. Unless you think the 2nd worst team struck out, say, 1,000 times and the Brewers struck out 50,000 times, then you don’t have the drift. You are adrift.
Wily Peralta – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.53. A broken clock worn by Peralta in Miller Park is right twice every two years.
C.J. Cron – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (14, 15). I said yesterday he was a hot schmotato. Today, I’m spinning a Subway sandwich sign towards him.
Jose Peraza – 4-for-4 and his 13th steal as he batted eighth, which I don’t think I fully understand. Cozart doesn’t need to be in the two hole. C’mon, Reds!
Michael Saunders – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .268. Hitting over .350 with two homers in the last seven games, but he does sit vs. lefties, so keep that in mind. You’ve forgotten it already, haven’t you? Sigh.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .241. On our Player Rater, he’s been about the 275th most valuable player. Guess the catcher rank. Nope, higher. Higher. You’re getting warm. No, I meant you just put your hand down on an electric stove top. He’s the 14th best (worst?) catcher.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer. Seems petty to focus on his zero steals. Then call me Grey Petty! Tom Petty’s illegitimate son that he won’t claim. Oh, my, my. Oh, hell, yes! Honey, put on that party dress! C’mon, claim me, Tom!
Steve Pearce – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, which was his 2nd homer in his last two games (though, the Orioles have played three games in that time). Could be a hot schmotato. On a related note, rumors are flying that the Orioles’ lineup card had a private audience with the Pope.
