I’m here with Giancarlo Stanton in the hospital. No, I’m not here to direct Giancarlo to put the hospital gown on backwards. That was a happy accident. I’m also not here to try to convince new parents in the maternity ward to name their daughters, Giancarla or Ginacarlo or Ginacarla. The flowers everyone sent were beautiful, by the way. Every time he falls asleep I sprinkle flower petals on him like he’s Mena Suvari in American Beauty. Whoever sent the balloon, “Get Well Soon, My Fantasy Team Needs You,” you should be ashamed. Can you not think of anyone else? At least think of me! On the fo’serious for a full second, in 2013, when Showtime aired the inspiration for True Detective that was trying to solve the mystery on whether or not anyone in the Marlins front office knew anything about baseball, Giancarlo was out for a knee operation. Then last year, Mike Fiers did what many of us dream of, but only a few of us can visualize in its fullest, put a ball on Giancarlo’s face. Now, he’s out for four to six weeks with a broken hamate bone. I don’t doubt mi novio can hit 50 homers one year, but he kinda needs to stay on the field to do it. Hopefully, one of these years we see it. I have to go now, he’s waking and likes his Jell-O at room temperature, so I have to remove the cold Jell-o from my rectum and hope it’s warmed. Coming, Giancarlo! Literally! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Carl Crawford – Nearing a rehab assignment and could return right after the All-Star break. Don Mattingly said, “We just got done making up Lineup Bingo cards for when Crawford returns. If Paul Sorvino dressed as a priest pulls a B-3, Crawford plays.”
Daniel Murphy – Expected to return from the DL on Tuesday. Oh, that will solve all your fantasy team’s problems. Assuming your problems are you can’t find someone to bore you from your MI slot.
Johan Santana – Suspended his comeback attempt until 2016. At least that’s what the news said. I’m guessing it meant, he doesn’t plan to officially retire until 2016.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and has five homers in the last eight games. That’s a week for The Beatles.
Steven Matz – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks in his major league debut, and also went 3-for-3 with 4 RBIs because he’s a baller! JB’s coming later today with a pitching profile on Matz. Without reading it, I can tell you he should be owned in all leagues.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer. 45 HRs this year? Crazier things have happened, maybe literally.
Brandon Phillips – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd one this week, but left yesterday’s game early, potentially re-injuring his jammed thumb. Damn, Marley, he’s Jammin’.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homers. With Giancarlo hurt, how can I find pleasure in a time like this? There shouldn’t be joy. Yet…Ugh, I’m a bad person! I feel happiness from Arenado! Please, give me a swirly, Torenado!
Tim Lincecum – Left Saturday’s game after being hit by a liner. Sounds like an iceberg in 1912.
Matt Duffy – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 8th homer and 2nd homer in as many games and now batting third. I’ve continually made the comparison of the Giants to the Cards, and their third basemen share first names and the same fantasy DNA. Matt Duffy vs. Matt Carpenter, The Clone Wars.
Brandon Crawford – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and who does he remind me of? You guessed it! It’s Bhanny Crawford!
Madison Bumgarner – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.99, and he pitchslapped Bergman. Must’ve been for making him watch Fanny and Alexander.
Matt Andriese – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 5 Ks vs. the Red Sox, Andriese’s ERA at 3.24. Andriese was never a big name prospect. Is Matt without fault, i.e., sans Andriese’s fault? No, and neither is The Rock’s newest disaster movie, or his new TV show that is a disaster. Scouts seem to think Andriese could be a #5 starter, but scouts also chew tobacco and call everyone ‘kid.’ Andriese doesn’t even look good enough to stream.
Jake Odorizzi – Set for a rehab assignment. Like Martin Luther King Jr. and Bobby Ewing during that one season of Dallas, I have a dream. Can Odorizzi please no longer be set to start rehab and just start it?
Grady Sizemore – 3-for-5, 1 RBI as he hit 2nd in his Rays debut. Grady Sizemore gets more chances to fail than Tom Sizemore.
Hanley Ramirez – Went back to Boston for an MRI. Damn, he’s filling up that MRI stamp card fast!
David Ortiz – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .231. I was surprised Ortiz wasn’t going around the major leagues collecting token gifts for retirement, so I Googled that shizz and I found out he’s not considering retirement. Looks like his judgment for hanging it up is as good as Robin Williams. Too soon?
Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. Whatever hot schmotato influenza Brock Holt (0-for-4) was sneezing on all my teams two weeks ago looks to be transferred to De Aza. I grabbed him for today, won’t you join me?
Pablo Sandoval – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. If the source of all my stress is Sandoval, and Sandoval finally hits a home run, who does he hit it off of to keep my stress level high? He hits it off my ace, Archer, of course. Thanks, Bleb!
Justin Masterson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. It seems that every new starter to go into the Red Sox rotation looks great for about two starts, then they catch whatever’s ailing Miley, et al. Wouldn’t be surprised to see him have another nice game next time out vs. the Astros, though the ‘Stros can put up 12 runs or strikeout 27 times. I wouldn’t go near Masterson outside of AL-Only leagues, way too much risk.
Drew Hutchison – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA down to 4.99. Hutch’s peripherals look solid (8.3 K/9, 2.7 BB/9, 3.79 xFIP), but I’m having a hard time getting excited about him. Weird that the Blue Jays staff is made of two 70’s cops that I don’t trust. Call me Stokely Carmichael.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer. Yeah, okay, but what about The Torenado?!
Chi Chi Gonzalez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks. Four walks to three Ks says all you need to know. Wait, why are you putting your ear to the previous sentence? Four walks to three Ks isn’t going to literally say anything.
Yovani Gallardo – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday, ERA down to 2.72. YoGa is sure going out of his way to bait and switch. Now, he’s throwing a near-complete game shutout vs. the Blue Jays. I like his persistence to rope us into his web of hot garbage.
Rougned Odor – 3-for-5 and his 5th steal, near-.400 in the last week with two homers and two steals. Hot schmotato alert!
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Melky, cereal, baby, Melky, cereal, baby. Damn, that song always gets stuck in my head. Melky’s been hot for about a week and I’d own him, though I imagine he’s on a lot of last place teams that are already researching fantasy football. (Smooth linkage!)
Jeff Samardzija – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.56. He reminds me of a pitcher from yesteryear. A good old fashioned innings eater. Can’t believe we don’t have a term for this, but we need a glossary term for an innings eater. Please suggest in the comments.
Jesse Chavez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 3.02. Two starts in a row where he’s looked about as wonky as trying to make sense of a conversation with Daniel Johnston. I’d continue to hold him in most leagues.
Eric Hosmer – 0-for-3, but left yesterday’s game early with pain in his left ring finger. That’s how I felt after I got married.
Adam Jones – 0-for-4, and only started the 1st game of the doubleheader as he returned to the lineup. For what he did, returned might be too strong a word.
Manny Machado – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer in 1st game. I talk a bit about Machado in the podcast that’s coming later today. I’d break Amish to listen.
Chris Parmelee – 1-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. You might remember Parmelee from such classic posts as my Friday Buy titled, um, well, you can Google it.
Jimmy Paredes – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer in the 1st game. The desire I feel for Paredes feels akin to anyone’s desire for Rosie Perez at the Puerto Rican Day parade.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.09. His ERA says he’s way past the point of streaming, but I still have no faith in him and would look at the Stream-o-Nator for Ubaldo. Maybe my yawnstipation about Ubaldo is subconscious because my hair is my best attribute.
Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, his ERA has jumped from 3.22 to 3.96 in the last two starts. Looks like The Regression Fairies are pecking away hard on Bauer. At least that’s why I think they’re doing the chicken head.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer as he bats leadoff. It actually makes more sense that Granderson continues to bat leadoff compared to Kemp’s placement. One thing the Padres have is guys that could hit leadoff — Yangervis Solarte (0-for-4), Alexei Amarista (0-for-1) and Will Venable (0-for-3). Okay, not saying they’re great, but Kemp hitting leadoff is goofy.
Derek Norris – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (10, 11). Hasn’t been great, but he’s been a ton better than the Netflix show, Derek.
Welington Castillo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Three homers from catchers in yesterday’s game because they don’t have to answer catcher questions.
David Peralta – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Just beginning to get going as Ender readies to return. It’s like a fantasy cul-de-sac.
Collin McHugh – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 4.51 vs. Michael Pineda 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down 4.08. This was a matchup of two guys that have caused consternation the size of the Milky Way. As I said last time on Pineda, he’s a buy low. McHugh’s another ball of yarn. His velocity and Ks are down. He could have solid games, but last year’s 2.73 ERA pitcher doesn’t seem likely.
Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.80. Ah, the one that got away. How good has he been? On our Player Rater, he’s around the 17th best starter, and moving close to as valuable as Price and Harvey. Yup.
Torii Hunter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 3rd homer in the last two games. Since a cyclops with a monocle wouldn’t eye Torii on principle, let’s just jump right to him being a hot schmotato.
Tommy Milone – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.19. Yeah, I’m aware of how good Milone was in the minors this year, and…it does nothing for my enthusiasm on him. I’d strictly look at him thru the eyes of the Stream-o-Nator.
Mike Fiers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 4.14. The least amount of runs he’s allowed in the most innings he’s thrown in a start all year! And he does it with his third worst K/9 of the season (5.1) — lowercase yay! Way to undercut our happiness once again, Fiers!
Ryan Braun – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (9), hitting .259. Mean’s while in this game, Adam Lind hit his 11th homer (1-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .291). According to our Player Rater, Braun’s run away from Lind in fantasy value, which is the first positive news on Braun’s thumb in two years.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4 after leaving Saturday’s game because he took a pitch off his elbow by Teheran. This year he’s Andrew McClutchin-Everything. While him getting hit on his elbow sounds almost as bad as the new HBO show, The Brink — I can tell Tim Robbins and Jack Black are gentiles because I’ve never seen two actors ham it up so much — but since McClutchin-Everything played on Sunday, it’s hopefully nothing.
Jace Peterson – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer on Sunday, and 2-for-5, 3 RBIs on Saturday. In other words, Rendon’s injury is the best thing that’s happened to my team. Or at least that’s the lie I’m currently telling myself!
Alex Wood – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (0 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.17. I giggled a little when I wrote his ERA. Fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) sounded like a bunch of 60-year-old men they had so many problems with Wood in the beginning of the year. If a guy with a 3.17 ERA is your biggest problem, I want your team.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Okay, another three months of this and we’re all good.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I see the dreck that is his year and I want to call him, “Ian damn, man.”
Danny Espinosa – 0-for-9. Okay, so maybe it hurts a little losing Rendon.
Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Or as Phils fans call him, “Franco,” then they cover their mouth.
Cesar Hernandez – 6-for-8, 1 run and 3 steals doubleheader. If you need SAGNOF, he’s worth a gamble. In related news, Phils manager, Ryan Sandberg, quit. The Phils can’t even pressure the right former All-Star 2nd baseman to retire.
Hector Santiago – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.58. I can see it already. He gets bombed in the playoffs, and Joe Buck can’t stop talking about how surprising it is, because of how good Santiago was this year. Yeah, only Santiago’s leaving more men on base than a Catholic schoolgirl.
Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 8 Ks and out after 96 pitches. Can’t believe Lloyd Christmas McClendon can tie his shoes wearing those kid gloves he’s using on F-Her. Assuming McClendon can even tie his shoes normally.
Fernando Rodney – 1 IP, 0 ER and got the save the other night. McClendon reiterated that he wants Rodney to be closing games. This time he didn’t mention man muscles, instead he said Rodney makes them a better club if he’s closing and, “Carson is in the eighth and Lowe and Furbush in the seventh. It closes the gap tremendously.” A Lowe/Furbush does close the gap tremendously, or McClendon was doing a Mystery Science Theater-type voiceover for a Woodstock documentary.