[brid autoplay=”true” video=”1385528″ player=”13959″ title=”2023 Fantasy Football Rookies” duration=”173″ description=”0:24 Jahmyr Gibbs 1:05 Kendre Miller 1:54 Jaxon Smith-Njigba ” uploaddate=”2023-08-19″ thumbnailurl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1385528_th_64e0200ad8139_1692409866.jpg” image=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1385528_sd_64e0200ad8139_1692409866.jpg” contenturl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/1385528.mp4″ width=”480″ height=”270″]

Yesterday, Ha-Seong Kim went 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with a slam (17) and legs (28). And. Dot dot dot. Holy crap! Kim’s going 20/30 this year? When did this happen? I just checked five different stats providers. Is that *pauses for drama* for real for real? Ha-Seong, or Ha if you’re laughing, is a top 40 overall guy on the Player Rater? What on earth is going on here? He’s been more valuable than Randy Arozarena and Rafael Devers? I am cackling very loudly. Maybe it’s because his homers are a little light, but I usually stay on top of what everyone is doing even if I don’t roster them, and, in case if it’s not obvious, I don’t roster Kim. He’s been a top five 2nd baseman, right by Justin Turner. What world is this? I am flabbergasted. Eminem was all wrong, Kim’s awesome. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Michael Wacha – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Top starter on multiple teams is a guy I drafted around 350th overall. Yup, totally normal stuff.

Josh Bell – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .245. The Bell goes ding dong!

Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-3, 1 RBI as he returned from the paternity list. Did he father a strained hammy?

J.P. Crawford – 0-for-4, 2 runs as he was activated from the concussion IL. He said, “It’s great to be back in the year 1955!”

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. And the Teoscar for most improved 2nd half team goes to…the Mariners!

Cal Raleigh – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homer, and four homers this week. Cal and his Giant Peach just going full ass, in the best possible way.

Dominic Canzone – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Sauce Gardner loves this guy, because Canzone is his type of coverage! Bam! No? Well, whatever, I’m watching Hard Knocks, and my takeaways are Aaron Rodgers seems very likable (sorry, I know that’s not a likable position), their head coach, Saleh, seems to do nothing, and there’s no storylines this year worthy of interest. Speaking of football — get our tools:

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.15. He’s always underrated. People in drafts always like, “Castillo seems okay, but what do you think of Aaron Nola? Huh? He’s exciting!”

Eric Haase – Claimed by the Guardians off waivers from the Tigers. Shutter the entire AL Central. They’re such a bunch of cheap bastards.

Tyler Soderstrom – Was optioned to the minors. Sodastream fizzled.

Zack Gelof – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer. Anything but a leisurely nine for Gelof. He’s at a breakneck pace like speed golf. Is that a thing? It should be. Do I need to patent it?

Brent Rooker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Rooker catches the vapors the first and last six weeks of the season.

Paul Blackburn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Streamonator loved this start, now aqh792q2ysn–oops, fingers crossed for his next start this week.

Jordan Montgomery – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Okay, it’s not that JoMo deserved this win, but me — the person who has him in a fantasy league — me me me me! I deserved this win! *Lisa Simpson grumbling*

Will Smith – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.17 and his 4th blown save, and 5 ER in two straight appearances, and 7 ER in his last five games. Can we get Chris Rock to slap him? It’s not clear that Aroldis Chapman (2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.28) will just take over either, because he blew the game yesterday, originally. Also, Bochy loves Will Smith. He keeps going to him. You can try Chapman if you want, but this isn’t as simple as that.

Everson Pereira – Being called up by the Yikes, along with Oswald Peraza. Now we’ll see if Boone actually plays them. If he doesn’t, he should be fired immediately. DFA IKF and Jake Bauers. It’s time. So, Everson Pereira could be better than Volpe. He’s got power and speed, but he might hit .220. This could be the beginning of the next big Yikes dynasty, once they bring up Jasson D. Or they bury them this offseason for players coming off career years. Sorry, Everson Pereira, you’re getting blocked by Jorge Soler!

James Paxton – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.79. Just didn’t have it yesterday. Sometimes shizz happens, and yesterday it shizz’d.

Chas McCormick – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer, and four homers in the last six games. Ya know what he’s doing? One of those seasons where people are asking about him next March, saying things like, “He was a top 25 outfielder last year,” then they get one week into April and want to drop him.

Yainer Diaz – 2-for-5 and his 18th homer, hitting .281. Yes, you would’ve been better off having Cal Raleigh and Yainer all year instead of Jose Abreu and Anthony Rizzo. *puts on a potato sack and wanders into traffic*

Cristian Javier – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.52. He’s so clearly not himself and Dusty’s chewing his toothpick, giving the thumbs up.

Allan Winans – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.17, as he was recalled. Winans, star of Scary Movie, followed that triumphant turn with Scary Streamer.

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4 and his 25th and 26th homer. Because I enjoy dark humor, watch Marcell Ozuna become a huge star in the playoffs, win the World Series MVP, and say he’s going to Disney World. Then at Disney World he attacks Minnie Mouse, and video of it spreads far and wide, and there’s people who will still defend him, saying Minnie provoked him by stepping on his foot.

DJ Stewart – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. That’s now five homers in a week. Hot schmotato alert!

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Nice to see the Mets rallying when they should be losing every game so they can get a draft pick. It’s the most Metsy thing to do.

Henry Davis – Hit the IL with a hand strain from shagging. What a pervert! Oh, wait, it’s even worse, he was shagging flies! Gross! I didn’t even know flies had reproductive organs.

Bailey Falter – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.53. That I streamed him in multiple leagues feels so dirty and embarrassing and obvious of how much I’m struggling that I prefer to not mention it, so, instead I bring you a bad joke: Falter? If you don’t wanna marry her!

Parker Meadows – 1-for-5 as he was called up by the Tigers. Due to Austin Meadows not working out, the Tigers got rights to the entire Meadows family. If Parker doesn’t work, playing short for them will be Tim. Left field is Audrey and, in right, is Jayne. Gonna start working in more references from 120-year-old sexpots. Parker came onto the scene this year. “Hey, that’s my schtick!” That’s Marcus Semien. Parker wasn’t mentioned in Itch’s top 10 prospects for the Tigers, but started to get a lot play this year from Itch as he started appearing on stash lists by May. Way back in 2021, Itch said, “The younger brother of outfielder and former first-round pick Austin Meadows, Parker brings plenty of athleticism to the game. The only thing he doesn’t get plus grades for is his hit tool, which is far and away the most important piece for our game; otherwise, Meadows would be higher on this list thanks to plus plus speed, plus power and above average defensive grades. Not to mention (again) the good bloodlines. I’d like to drain Grey’s bloodline.” I’m sorry, what? Parker now seems better than Austin, go figure, Mr. Abacus! Parker was great in AAA (19/19), but he can’t make real contact (.256). Feels like at best he’s Mike Cameron, at worst he’s Riley Green. Not Riley Greene, but this guy Riley Green who works at a Quad-A car wash by me.

Kerry Carpenter – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 19th homer. Tigers have a long history, but not storied because I was watching Carpenter go deep and they put a list of the names on the screen who have more homers in less time than Carpenter in Tigers’ history, and the list wasn’t long nor impressive. I can’t find the list or graphic online, so you’ll have to take my word for it. It was like Norm Cash, Willie Horton, then Carpenter.

Spencer Torkelson – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 23rd homer, hitting .239. Pretty cool that the Tigers’ big three prospects — Riley, Tork and Carp — have finally clicked. It’s conceivable you could draft three Tigers next year. Prolly not smart, because of the players around them, but a real possibility.

Alex Faedo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.91. Streamonator was calling me nuts for starting Faedo for his two-start week, but thanks to some unearned runs (two), it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. Sadly, this was the “good” start this week and not his next one vs. the Astros.

Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in eight days, which is a week to Paul McCartney, and, finally, Seiya’s doing something! Only took 15 months.

Joc Pederson – 2-for-2 and his 12th homer. Been a down year for Pederson so far, but he’s the type to get hot and smoke ten homers in 15 games.

LaMonte Wade Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Whenever I hear the name LaMonte Wade Jr., I think of Redd Foxx clutching his heart. “Elizabeth, we got a hot schmotato alert!

Jose Alvarado – Activated from the IL. He missed six weeks with elbow inflammation. Is there somewhere I can wager that he will be IL’d again by next Monday?

Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.49. Death, taxes and Aaron Nola allowing homers. The Phillies game saw six homers, and, incredibly, Nola only allowed a third.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .293. Where’s Harper going next year in drafts? I haven’t the foggiest idea. My guess is the top 30, and will be one of the biggest steals of the draft.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer, hitting .183. Elias Sports Bureau said that Schwarber has 33 homers this year and one single, zero doubles and zero triples.

Alec Bohm – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .285. Bohm goes the dynamite!

Edmundo Sosa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. I’ll never forget the home run chase between Edmundo Sosa and Marco McGwire, a Latin Mark McGwire impersonator. “I’m not aqui to habla about the past.” Ugh, one of my favorite lines from him!