Allow me to paint a visual metaphor. A vetaphor. The entire league’s pitching is cornered on the grounds of a wildlife preserve. A tiger, we’ll call him Blister, stalks towards the league’s pitching. There’s no way out, but the league attempts to urinate on Blister to keep him away. Then, out of nowhere, Nat Gio, dressed as Lord Beasley, a world famous butterfly collector from Gilligan’s Island, rides his Eddie Bauer jeep into Blister’s den, and befriends the beast, saying, “I slay pussy,” then off everyone’s look, “…cats.” Yesterday, Gio Gonzalez had yet another great start — 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.49. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when Gio hears people talking about the new baseball and how offense is up. Maybe he’s the one pitcher who likes a tightly-sewn baseball. Up until this year, he must’ve been like, “Geez, is this ball going to unravel when I throw it?” Of course, his outlook for 2018 fantasy doesn’t look anywhere near as optimistic. Besides his ERA, there’s nothing promising in his peripherals. He has left 85.7% of men on base. That’s more than a wife with a headache. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trea Turner – Took batting practice on Tuesday, and is about ten days away. That news is so sexy my ears are now pregnant. Hope you’re happy, Turner, you’ve made my ears preggers!
Howie Kendrick – 2-for-4 and two homers (5, 6), hitting .353. Howie like me now! Or if a cat is reading, Howie like meow. That’s not a .353 average since his trade to the Nats. That’s on the season. However, he has been on the DL for about half the season, so he has less than 200 ABs.
Tyler Skaggs – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.63. His only blemishes were the Howie homers. Okay, and those neck razor bumps he got from shaving without Soothing Aloe Barbasol. Definitely worth trying Skaggs if you’re struggling with pitching, and, really, who isn’t?
Andrew Heaney – Ready to return from Tommy John this weekend. He’s looked terrific in rehab (2.60 ERA, 29/5 K/BB in 27 2/3 IP), but using him for his first start back in almost 16 months? Be smart, humanoids, use your Bobby the Brain on Heaney. Also, he was a bit of a ham-and-egger even before the surgery.
Carlos Correa – Could take BP this weekend. No way is Correa taking our oil! Oh, wait, batting practice, carry on.
Lance McCullers – Threw a bullpen session. No timetable yet for his return, but I can hypothesize. You want me to hypothesize? Okay. He goes on a rehab assignment this weekend, throws two rehab games, returns the first week of September, looks solid, if rusty, then looks dominant on September 13th, which would’ve been Roald Dahl’s 101st birthday, and to that I say, “BFD to The BFG!”
Brad Peacock – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.30. If you accidentally type “Bra Peacock” into Google, you get some interesting results. Don’t those feathers tickle? Any hoo! Peacock is alternating good start with bad start, and may be tiring. I’d still hold him for his next start, seeing as how the Stream-o-Nator likes it.
Anthony Banda – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 7.32. It feels like Banda horses every time he pitches, especially the song, The Funeral.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-5, 1 run as he hit leadoff, hitting .286. Not sure if Diamondbacks’ manager, Torey Lovullo, just saw Ketel, thought of vodka and put him one, but this would be a boon for his value if he stays at leadoff. By the way, didn’t Torey Lovullo marry Brad from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge?
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Said this before, will say it again. I won’t own Bumgarner because he will be too expensive next year, but the Giants are fools for not shutting him down this year. Let him get the rest.
Denard Span – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (7). When he hit that home run, Ben Revere felt a twinge 3,000 miles away and instinctually ran around the bases.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 44th homer, and 80th homer in the last 79 days. Another question for our legal community, if I break into Giancarlo’s bathroom, dressed up like a toilet, is this illegal?
Marco Estrada – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.09. Someone mentioned in the comments yesterday something I construed as them saying Estrada is a top 20 starter, and I nearly fell off my chair, and I stand all day or sit in a Barcalounger, which doesn’t allow for falling, so you can imagine my surprise.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .263. Imagine if he did this in April and May and collapsed in the 2nd half, rather than vice versa. Teams that quit in June would still be competing and may not be signing up to compete in our fantasy football leagues. (Smooth segue!)
Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Get him now before he hurts himself again!
Blake Snell – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners (1 BB), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.78. Results haven’t been gorge, but his command has been improved. Guess what I’m saying is I am a monocled cyclops. By the way, love to be a person who just stumbled on this site. “Monocled cyclops? Is this person a mental patient?” Well, no, I’m not…yet.
Cory Spangenberg – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 4th homer in three days. Yesterday, I called him a hot schmotato, and today, I say, yup.
Jorge Alfaro – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, a rocket to center field. Alfaro, did it go? 415 feet. He is a top catcher prospect with huge raw power. He did next to nothing in the minors — hitting .241 with seven homers, but he could be a 20-homer catcher with everyday at-bats. Definitely worth an NL-Only look, we’ll see about the rest.
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd in two games. You consonant having, in Petco driving, buttercup
Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, 2nd one in three games. Also, in this game, Matt Olson (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 8th homer, 3rd one in four games. Someone wake Matt Chapman, because the A’s are on the Mattack!
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 35th homer. Moistasskiss! (Seriously, though, 35 homers from Moustakas! SERIOUSLY THOUGH!)
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. Moistasskiss and Hosmer both took Blake Treinen deep in the 8th inning of a game the A’s were losing and, gah, that is the worst, right? It’s like, “I’m going to sleep with another great pitching day,” three hours later, some random West Coast reliever gives up runs and you wake the next day with an ache in your heart, but a vulture win!
Alex Wood – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.30. In the 2nd half coming into this game, he had a 4.25 ERA with only 19 Ks in 29 2/3 IP. Yesterday’s start vs. the White Sox at home isn’t really indicative of anything. As Billy Butler likes to lick his lips over, it was a cakewalk. His next start on the road will be a better indication if Wood’s going flaccid.
Tim Anderson – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, and third homer in the last four games, and third time in the last four days I’ve mentioned him. Nope, no idea what you’re waiting for either.
Juan Minaya – 1 IP, 0 ER. He threw a solid 7th inning of a losing game, and the fad of Jake The Petrocka (2/3 IP, 2 ER) looks over before it started. Nice closer shituation, White Sox. Just go with A. Bummer, at least it would be appropriate.
Mike Leake – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 3.88. I don’t know, Mike, that looks more like a flood to me.
Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBI, hitting near-.415 in the last week, and owned in less than 50% of ESPN leagues, and the ESP is most definitely not extrasensory perception.
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, and maybe the 5th time I’ve mentioned him across five months, because, ya know, in 17 games, Rafael Devers (2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI) has the same number of homers as Bogaerts. Bogaerts is the Nat Gio of hitters. Did Bogaerts used to train by hitting a loosely-rolled sock and now the tightly wound ball has him all messed up? I told everyone to sell him in April, but not even I expected anything this bad.
Chase Anderson – Will return to the rotation on Sunday for a start in Colorado. Chase, you might want a flare-up that pushes your start back a day.
Zach Davies – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.26. I wouldn’t eff this guy with your fantasy team.
Gregory Polanco – Hit the DL with the strain of a lost season. There’s no knowable cure yet.
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.77. Okay, but this start was in Miller Park, so you couldn’t have started him here, and three walks for him in six innings is essentially a flashing sign that reads, “Cauton.” Someone needs to fire that sign maker too. Cauton? What the eff is cauton?
Kyle Freeland – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.74, as he was activated from the DL. He’s returning from a groin strain that happened when Freeland had a free hand.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 27th homer. I can’t believe I finally completed my house I made of styrofoam peanuts, I’m going to donate this to a family in need—NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-3 and his 24th homer. Even if you told me I could only start Mini Donkey in Coors, I’d own him all year.
Trevor Story – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer. Look at this schmohawk rolling up like he hasn’t been terrible all year. Nice of you to show up every 12th game. You’re a real champ!
Danny Salazar – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.92. On my team where I’ve had him since he’s returned from the DL: 32 1/3 IP, 1.39 ERA, 0.84 WHIP and 46 Ks. K-zar!
Carlos Santana – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer. Also, in this game, Jason Kipnis (1-for-4) hit his 9th homer; Edwin Encarnacion (1-for-4) hit his 27th homer and Austin Jackson (3-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. All of these guys are owned commensurate to leagues, and I don’t know what commensurate means, but Jackson could be available, and a schmotato.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer. Serious question, in 2018, Gallo if he were guaranteed a .375 BABIP or Judge and a .250 average? Only luck separating them? You said it, not me. (Okay, I said it.)
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer. Uh-oh, Chirinos!
Devin Mesoraco – Out for three to six weeks with a fractured foot. He has almost as hard a time staying on the field as he does standing in front of a mirror.
Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Dizzamn, doode’s impressing on the reg. I was one ‘hella’ away in that sentence from sounding like your embarrassing uncle who wears his baseball cap everywhere. Have no faith in rookie pitchers in general, but Castillo throws 98 MPH, 9 K/9, 3.89 xFIP and looked dominant against some of the toughest hitters in the league. He’ll have Growing Pains that we’ll call Boners, but I do own him in a mixed league, so I’m not totally opposed.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks in 93 pitches, ERA at 3.45. Wow, that was like a 130-pitch complete game for Hendricks.
Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 2 ER and the save, but felt tightness in his hamstring. Funny, his owners have felt tightness in their chest recently. The Yankees might play it safe with Aroldis, and give him extended rest, but if Robertson and/or Betances are available in your league, can I get in your league? Do you play for payola?
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Frequent commenter, Packers, mentioned yesterday that Sanchez has 41 homers in 138 career games. Imagine what he’d have if the Yankees played an extra inning game that lasted 1,242 innings. (He’d have 82 homers.)
Jacoby Ellsbury – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Ellsbury could be a hot schmotato, or he could tear a hamstring. I’m going with the latter, like Altuve getting down cereal.
Amed Rosario – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. A *pinkie to mouth* Rosarip! No? Okay. Both of his homers have come against closers and have gone the other way. What does all this mean? Not much, he looks like he has 384-feet power. Just enough giddy up. Definitely more impressed with him so far than Ozzie Albies, but a few weeks means nothing. Oh, and this is the longest blurb ever recorded. Move on already, Grey!
Dominic Smith – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. If the future is female, someone needs to haze Amed and Dominic and put them in skirts.
Noah Syndergaard – Threw 20 pitches off the mound. Not timetable for Syndergaard, but, like with McCullers, I’d guess around Roald Dahl’s 101st birthday too for the remake called, Games and the Giant Pitch.