Yesterday, Buster Olney tweeted, “Kevin Gausman is pitching tonight probably exactly the way the Orioles hoped on the day they drafted him. Dominant stuff.” Putting aside the unnecessary “probably” — you’ll never win a Twitter Pulitzer with needless hooha! — is this what the Orioles hoped for? Because it’s felt at times like the Orioles were waiting for Gausman to say some sort of secret oath to let him into the rotation and, without Podrick to prompt him, he didn’t know said oath. By the by, I can’t look at Brienne of Tarth and not see Conan O’Brien. Perhaps, it’s me (it’s not). If the Orioles wanted Gausman to pitch probably exactly like this, wouldn’t they have put him in the rotation and left him alone for the last *covers mouth* years? Not to answer, but to knowingly nod while you undress your computer with your eyes. Since I have shares in that facacta noodle-hanger Archer, I watched the better part of Gausman’s start, and he looked better than what the boxscore says, and the boxscore says, “Yum, choco-latte.” It also says 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks in his first start back. Gausman has the stuff to be a number one, but at worse a number two. Not saying he will be this year; that’s just his stuff. He probably exactly should be already, but probably exactly hasn’t been. Still, I would grab him in any leagues where I needed upside. A 8+ K/9, 2.7+ BB/9, 3.75 ERA starter is probably exactly what you’ll get. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jimmy Paredes – Ready for rehab games. When he shows up to those games, Paredes will follow in the marching band.
Chris Archer – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 5.47. I started him because all I had left was my dignity and if dignity were a positive character trait, they wouldn’t have made the pronunciation of it sound so dopey. After Archer’s game, I have restored my dignity, no diggity. Get paid is my forte. Each and every day true fantasy player way. Also, JB and I discuss the Archer buy low on today’s podcast. You can’t wait. No, you!
Kendall Graveman – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. This seems backwards but Graveman is now dead to me.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA up to a whopping 0.35 as he gave up his first earned run of the season. Thankfully, the Hershiser family can stop following him around.
Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers (2, 3). Indy runs under the closing Buy Low Window, reaches back, and at the last second, grabs his fedora.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal. He was my sleeper of the year. Oh, and he’s hitting .339.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. V-Mart hit that homer off Graveman, after he stepped out of it and began feasting on human brain custard.
Lance McCullers – Went to extended spring. Sounds like the lamest travel slogan ever. “Come to the Mid-Atlantic states, we have an extended spring.”
Jake Marisnick – Optioned to Triple-A Fresno. It’s not bad enough that you get demoted to the minors, but then they make you go to Fresno. Why not help him tie the noose too?
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Don’t look now — too late! — but Gomez looks like he’s starting to heat up.
Joaquin Benoit – Hit the 15-day DL with shoulder inflammation. M’s called up to take his place Mayckol Guaipe, to which Words With Friends says, “Sorry, Mayckol Guaipe is not an acceptable name.”
Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.44. So what I wrote a sleeper post for him in 2013. So what I’ve waited for this year for four years. So what, I’m not a rock star! (I am.)
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer and 2nd in as many games. He’s hitting .141 and that’ll last for a few more weeks until he’s hitting .260 and on pace for exactly what he does every year.
Leonys Martin – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Miguel Gonzalez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER as he made a spot start. White Sox now need Didi Seven.
Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 1st steal, hitting near-.300 in the last week. Could be a light schmotato. Definitely can’t be worse than the guy hitting behind him, Jose Abreu (0-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting .176). He doesn’t just look like The Big Hurt; he feels like a big hurt to my fantasy team.
Michael Saunders – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer as he returned to the lineup and batted sixth. Yeah, that leadoff thing lasted a while.
Marcus Stroman – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Hate to sound like a broken record but I didn’t understand the infatuation with Stroman in the preseason. Hate to sound like a broken record but I didn’t understand the infatuation with–Sorry.
Ezequiel Carrera – 2-for-5, hitting .355 as he stayed in the leadoff spot for the Jays. The Amish Porsche isn’t really a prototypical leadoff hitter either. He’s barely a hitter.
Hector Olivera – Braves reportedly tried to trade Olivera. When they realized no other teams had a GM in a coma, they stopped.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3 as he was dropped to six in the order. Apparently, Clint Hurdle is guest managing the Braves. They really needed to get Jeff Francoeur (1-for-4) and A.J. Pierzynski (0-for-4) more at-bats? Is Freeman being Punk’d? Catfish’d? Some other MTV neologism?
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Just about everyone was owned for the Red Sox yesterday going against a conceivably cushy matchup with Julio Teheran (7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks), so I was able to stream only one Sox hitter. Dot dot dot. JBJ! Damn, that batty call make me feel sexy!
Rick Porcello – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Putting On A Braves Face. Stream-o-Nator obviously loved his matchup yesterday, and doesn’t hate his next one either.
Nate Eovaldi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Look at EVOO putting together one whole decent start. He has a 28/5 K/BB, which is a great way for him to sucker in fantasy baseballers. I would not trust him until after seeing about three more solid starts. Shout out to Rachel Ray, way to keep strong after Bey came at you.
Starlin Castro – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .290 as he settles into the six hole. Told ya he wouldn’t last in the nine hole all year. Nine holes are for suckas and–DeShizz?! Is that you? What? Oh, c’mon. You move his OBP to the bottom of the lineup and put the foul Odor up top? That’s ridiculous.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Holy Schugels — not the Pirates closer — I got two batty calls in one day. No wonder I feel alive and spent and happy and spent and I need a nap!
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.77. What did I do to convince the universe I could handle constant attacks on my ERA and WHIP? Was it when I made fun of that fat kid? I thought he could handle it!
Albert Pujols – 2-for-4, 3 runs and two homers (4, 5), and third homer in the last two days. I mention on today’s podcast that Pujols is a solid buy low because he always starts to pick it up in May. May came early this year, boys and five girls!
Rafael Ortega – 2-for-4, 1 run as he hits 2nd. Ortega? I love his taco shells! He’s now the strong side of the left field platoon while Nava does nada. Ortega doesn’t have much value outside of his speed, but he could steal 25 bases in a full-time job. Solid AL-Only play, wait-and-see’er in mixed leagues.
Garrett Richards – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.35. I like Richards, touches 95+ MPH, should get 8+ K/9, walks shouldn’t be awful, but a 2.35 ERA pitcher he is not. I know, no dur, but there’s been no sudden corner turned like when I walked into the living room and Cougs was watching DWTS and there was someone dressed like Jim Carrey from The Mask.
Jay Bruce – Left on paternity leave. Here’s hoping he names his kid, Bruce. Boy or girl.
Brandon Phillips – He left yesterday’s game after being hit on his left finger. He only has one left finger? Does he have nine on the right hand? Now, I’m intrigued! X-rays came back negative on his left finger. That’s good if he needs to impolitely point.
Billy Hamilton – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 3rd and 4th steals. Hamilton returned to the lineup, because the Reds failed to sign Harriet Tubman.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3 and his 4th steal, hitting .301. That’s to go with his 5 homers. Yeah, he had a nice month of April. On a related note, the Reds stole five bases off Syndergaard and d’Arnaud, or simply Synd’aarnaud. Could be worth watching for SAGNOF!
Raisel Iglesias – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. Love dem Ks, less excited about the inefficient pitching that caused him to throw 102 pitches in five innings. I shah-posey it could be worse. By the by, I say suppose like shah-posey from now on.
Michael Conforto – 3 hits, 3 runs and his 3rd homer. That’s tripes over Iglesias.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Oh, Duda day!
Neil Walker – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .301. Wait, wait, I know this impersonation! It’s Daniel Murphy in the playoffs, right? Damn, that’s good! Now do your Christopher Walken.
Travis d’Arnaud – Left yesterday’s game with shoulder discomfort. Damn, that’s gonna make it harder to trick fantasy baseballers into owning you.
Jeremy Hazelbaker – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Huh? But we collectively moved on from this guy. Don’t worry, Previous Sentence Grey, he was only filling in for Matt Holliday who left with a leg cramp. But Previous Sentence Grey owns Holliday. AHHHHHH!!!
Aledmys Diaz – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .491, as he hit 8th. Okay, so techinically, Jaime Garcia (5 IP, 3 ER) was hitting ninth and batting .500, but I’d love to see Diaz moved up to leadoff. Not simply because I now own him in three leagues, but—Okay, that is the reason.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Only hitting .239. Jesus was right, it’s hard being a Carpenter.
Zack Greinke – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 6.16. At least I told everyone not to draft him. You didn’t listen? Aw, shucks.
Jean Segura – 4-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Glad to see he did something because I was already noticing people in the comments boring of him. Yeah, he’s only hitting .352 on pace for a 25/20 season. What a snooze!
Welington Castillo – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, Chris Owings 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and Yasmany Tomas 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI. Wow, this whole team is filled with hot schmotatoes. Fun fact! A group of schmotatoes is called a schmooz.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Only 45 more…in bed!
Wei-Yin Chen – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.32 vs. Ross Stripling 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.22. This matchup was billed as “Wei-Yin/Stripling? Wei-Yin/Stripling? Wei-Yin/Stripling? What the hell are you saying?”
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .292. When Puigs fly!
Trayce Thompson – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .268. Has two straight starts vs. lefties, but we’ll have to see if he plays vs. righties. Stenographer, read that back to me. Stenographer? Seems she’s fallen asleep.
Drew Pomeranz – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Obvi, it wasn’t a great start, but it wasn’t hideous either (nice Ks; got out of there before big damage) and I’d try to hold him for another one or two.
Hunter Pence – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd in as many days. As the ball launched north, The Gangly Manbird said, “That’s not a batter’s box, it’s a squawk box! Cacacuckoo!” Or something similar, I don’t speak Manbird.
Carlos Carrasco – Out for four to six weeks with a hamstring strain. Hey, the Carlos Carrasccident wasn’t as bad as initially believed. Hit the body shop for a month, work on his right thumper, insurance will pay for us to drive around Trevor Bauer for a few starts and Carrasco should return by early-June.
Michael Brantley – 0-for-1 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “On Friday, I hit up this girl on the Whisper app, and we met up later that night behind a bowling alley. Long story short, she wasn’t of age. I should be back in the office tomorrow. Bail permitting.”
Danny Salazar – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Forgettable. Versus the Twins? Regrettable. And this piece of toast is so re-butta-ble.
Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .302. And this Byrd you cannot cage. Because of some silly law against caging humans in Ohio.
Yan Gomes – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Great, we haven’t had catcher questions about Yan Gomes yet! Super! Damn, my sarcastic font isn’t working!
Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 6th steal. I’m not saying he’s been more valuable than Billy Burns and DeShields combined, but if I were saying that, it wouldn’t be far off from the truth. Luckily, I don’t write this while wired to a lie detector.
Oswaldo Arcia – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. All last week I told you to pick him up. All this week I’ll talk about how I told you last week. Next week, still up in the air.
David Murphy – He asked to be released by the Twins and it was granted. Afterwards, chatter grew in the clubhouse, “Amazing news, we can get off the Twins if we ask!”
Glen Perkins – Paul Molitor said, “(Perkins’s) tests are showing more strength every day. I think he’s a ways away but at least he’s going the right way. Did I ever tell you guys about my 39-game hitting streak?” Perkins hasn’t resumed throwing and his own manager says he’s “a ways away.” For conserving usage on the keyboard’s keys, that’s great. For fantasy, that’s terrible.
Alex Meyer – Was promoted by the Twins to work out of long relief. Totally agree with this move. I mean, the Twins need to find out what kind of starter they have in Ricky Nolasco and Tommy Milone. Ow! I just got an eye roll headache.
Byron Buxton – Demoted to the minors. Shame about Byron Buxton but at least he could comfort his big brother, Michael J. Fox, now. No ties stronger than Family Ties! Filling in for Buxton will be Eddie Rosario and Dannys Antana. Not that Buxton had big shoes to fill, but the Twins have lots of little feet.
