The joy you get from watching someone grab Freddy Peralta off waivers, then he throws a terrible start is Schadenfreddy. However, he doesn’t throw terrible starts, so what does that leave us with if we don’t own Peralta, but we long for him? Freddy Kreager beaver? (They get worse, so skim with your eyes if you must.) Freddy Appetizeralta? Freddeeeeeeesire….. I wanna know what the Brewhaha is about, Freddy got fingered by someone other than me? *drops mic, mic lands on foot* Ouch. Yesterday, Freddy Peralta did as he’s done a couple of times before — 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.59 thru three starts. I don’t think he’s quite this good, let’s get that out of the way right now, said like Gordon Ramsay. He is good, though, and I’ve been telling you to own him since he was called up. He’s short (for a pitcher, still towers over me), but has strike out stuff (12.8 K/9 in Triple-A). His delivery corkscrews out into a, “Get me some boxed vino, I’m a wild man,” pushing a 4+ BB/9, so there’s gonna be some ugly starts at some point, but I would still grab him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Braun – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .245. Don’t think it’s coincidental that he looks the best he has all year after going to have his Cryotherapy session on his thumb, which is different than Cyranotherapy on his nose, which he had after he took PEDs.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (10), hitting .291. If he has OCD, he’s going to steal another base in his next game, or start tapping the doorknob 11 times before entering.
Jesus Aguilar – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .302. He’s a righty and getting platooned out of games vs. lefties. Lefties who he’s hitting .286 against. Baseball managers: anyone can do this.
Lorenzo Cain – Headed to the DL with a groin strain. Cain…Sugar!’s got pain…sugarmaker! Cain…Sugar’s groin doesn’t sound serious. (Giggle.)
Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 9 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Between Johnny Lasagna and Rachel Ray’s E-O-V-A, it is an Italians’ dream season. Best we’ve seen since Guapo and Suzy DiMaggio planted roots in the Bay Area and plopped out Joe, Vince and Dom, literally within three months of each other. No wonder Vince and Dom weren’t as good as Joe, they were only in the womb for 45 days each. You can’t nourish a wombey like that! *intern whispers in my ear* I do believe there is a term called wombey, and that’s the last time I wish to be interrupted! Eovaldi still throws 97 MPH and is only now cracking a 7.5 K/9 for the first time in his (drawn by R. Crumb) illustrious career. He seems like a 3.75-4.15 ERA pitcher, which is either usable or not, or use the Streamer-o-Nator or not.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.04, but he lost the game because, as Murray Chass said, Scherzer just doesn’t have what it takes to win. Or it’s because the Nats managed one hit. Like Altuve contemplating getting down the cereal, I’m thinking the latter here.
Josh Donaldson – Suffered a setback and now looking to return end of July. Right around the time everyone who drafted him is going to be freshening up on their fantasy football projections. (Clickbait!) By the by, if you drafted Donaldson, you gotta take that L.
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Yeah, but you drafted Kershaw in the 1st round because you needed an ace.
Alex Bregman – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, *vision of myself without a mustache* Oh my God, I’m President of the World, a title they just created for me! But how will I save flavors for later?
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, as he continues to defy odds (what odds) and renounce critics (what does renounce mean)! Also, I just dedicated last week’s Buy to him, so you know he’s avocado toast in a millennial’s hand.
Didi Gregorius – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .259. He hit .149 in May, which was, “When Didi goes low, we go whoa,” but he is hitting over .300 in June. Not as much power as April, but at least he righted the ship a bit.
Luis Severino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.10. Hate to be negative (it’s my nature), but I am not looking forward to Severino throwing an extra 40 IP in October. Hopefully Boone manages his IP in August and September, but I get the feeling Boone is like a driver in a Lamborghini who uses cruise control.
Jake Arrieta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Also, there were three unearned runs for a slight box scare. *steps on ledge of building* They were unearned! *steps down* That was a close call.
Kris Bryant – Hit the DL with a sore shoulder. So how about that 2019 discount, huh?
Javier Baez – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homers, hitting .276. He hit third yesterday. Makes sense, right? He’s hit third (25) less than he’s hit 6th (27), 5th (31), 8th (42!), and 7th (60).
Ross Stripling – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.98. He’s not just steamrolling pushover teams. Like someone in the Valley, he’s taking on all comers!
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. We’re going to get to October and you’re gonna be like, “Desmond had 30+ homers and hit .250? Why didn’t I just hold him?” And I’m gonna shrug, wondering the same thing.
Mark Melancon – 2/3 IP, 1 ER and the blown save in the 8th inning. So, he’s not the closer. Who’s up next? Watson? Maybe, but he entered the game in the 8th too. We’re back to Dyson again? But he sucks. Maybe that doesn’t matter if they all suck. *mind blown* Last night, Sam Dyson (1 IP, 0 ER) got the save and he moves back to the top of the sad food chain.
Matt Harvey – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.28. If you bet on Harvey in Atlanta, then nice bet, but you have a gambling problem and your friends are talking about you behind your back and you’re secretly being filmed for A&E’s Intervention.
Chad Pinder – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .242 and hasn’t done anything in the last week, but I’m about to burn down my entire RCL team, drop everyone and grab Pinder for his position eligibility. Fantasy Baseball Overlord, it’s me Grey. I need your help.
Jed Lowrie – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .288. Not to go into your deep, dark recesses of your neuron connective tissue, but member how Lowrie had nine homers in the first five weeks of the season while hitting .340 and you were like, “Launch Angle, sign me up?!”
Nicholas Castellanos – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .308. Back to his stupid line drives. Like a discarded Fruit of the Looms’ ad slogan, elevate your balls!
Shane Greene – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, and 2nd straight appearance when he’s given up runs. Since I own him in a few leagues, I can attest to it feeling like Greene has at least one rocky week every month, but, really, who are the Tigers turning to? Joe Jimenez? Yeah, aight.
Steven Wright – Hit the DL with knee inflammation. Funny, I didn’t know pieces of crap had knees.
Mookie Betts – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Mookie Ballgame!
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5 and his 24th homer, hitting .326. He is still mighty healthy this year (totally saying this to jinx him). Yup, don’t see him getting injured any time soon (c’mon, Jinxers the cat!).
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .199. I accidentally spelled his name Jackie Barfley, and I laughed, boy, did I laugh. He’s so overdue he’s about to give birth to a 3-year-old, so maybe this is the start of something for JBJ. Honestly, he can’t do much worse (hitting .167 in June).
Krispie Young – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .176. The Sciosciapath has taken a real liking to Young, because The Sciosciapath is a terrible manager.
Corey Kluber – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.54. Okay, who changed his internal clock to April 2017?
Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.22. I wish I could say I have overwhelming faith in him after this start. To read all about Lance’s Carlos Martinez fantasy, click that thing-ma-linkie.
Jose Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .302. He has 7 homers in June, and never had more than 4 homers in any month previously in his career. Blossoming isn’t just for Mayim Bialik.
Matt Carpenter – 5-for-5, 5 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .259. I wonder if Carpenter can throw some magic Rhysus’ way.
Archie Bradley – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.37. Bradley revealed he crapped his pants during a game where he pitched. Big deal — Boxberger does it on the field every couple of appearances. Just call them the Arizona Diaperbacks.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer in two days. Put on your turn signal, we’re making a U-turn back into Polanco, cause the schmotato has risen. By the by, why don’t cars have turn signals for left, right, K and U turns? Imagine the tailgate parties at Kansas University alone!
Chad Kuhl – Left yesterday’s game with forearm discomfort. That’s a real shame–What’s Nick Kingman up to? Hmm, hmm, hmm?
Steven Matz – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Nice. I was thisclose to streaming Matz due to the Stream-o-Nator but the Mets have me so shook I just can’t get on the set of their Gigli remake.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .232, and his 1st homer in ten games. Until we see him string together at least two games back-to-back, not sure what to make of this every-tenth-game crizzap.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Dude, smoke a bowl! Solid-ish start. Ish due to the low Ks, not due to me being ishy-ashy.
Dylan Bundy – Hit the DL with an ankle sprain. Showalter said he hasn’t decided who will start for them instead, adding, “Does it matter? I mean, we’re the Orioles. Maybe we could do some sort of raffle to start for us.”
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Uh-oh, Chirinos!
Rougned Odor – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer this week, hitting .300 in that time. You know when you have an abusive relationship — it’s just ugly, going both ways — you fight in front of your friends; you go out of your way to cut down their confidence; you can’t stand the sound of their breath. Then, after you finally break up, you tell everyone, and they’re happy for you. They talk about how much they hated your partner; they feel it’s okay to open up now that you’re no longer together. Then, two weeks later, you get back together and it’s awkward for everyone, and you know it’ll never last but there’s so much shared history. Any hoo! I picked up Odor yesterday. Hahahahahaha — I feel ill!