Keeping the weekend theme of rookie pitchers not giving up hits, yesterday Domingo German went 6 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 2 BBs, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.66. Since I wasn’t very familiar with German — “Guten tag, give your bratwurst my best kraut.” — I decided to watch this game. German’s curve was made to look very impressive by an Indians team that still does not look right. It also didn’t hurt that the home plate umpire gave him a very favorable strike zone — “You wear the lederhosen in the Deutschland, Lance Barrett?” Kept feeling like a more patient team or just a few calls go a different way, and German has loaded the bases on walks with no outs, and, suddenly, he’s in a five run hole in two innings. Bundesländer? V to the ielleicht. Maybe Sonntag had his Sunday best on, but I don’t trust him outside of deep leagues. Of course, with that said (Grey’s turning the u-boat!), a flyer doesn’t hurt until the German roofie comes and you wake up in Frankfurt with a burly woman named Gertrude. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (2 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 6.00. For how he’s been throwing, a two-walk game may as well be a perfect game. I really hope he’s not being passive aggressive and just setting us up for failure in his next start that is a widely considered positive by the Stream-o-Nator.
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .327. This is kinda who Gleyber is. Home run here and there, solid average. Okay, won’t Gleyber my point.
Mike Clevinger – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.76. I swear sometimes I think I’d do better not looking at some guy’s peripherals. Clevinger’s numbers still are far from beautiful, but he took the eye test out for a spin yesterday and came home with Lasik (it makes sense if you don’t think about it too long!).
Clayton Kershaw – Hit the DL with bicep tendonitis. No one could’ve seen it coming to avoid Kershaw in this year’s drafts. Let’s see, though, for s’s and g’s if anyone could’ve seen it coming. Last time Kershaw pitched I asked, how long until he’s DL’d for his back? Before that, I talked for about 25 minutes on our top 20 starters podcast about how I would never draft Kershaw. Then, before that, I talked in the top 20 starter rankings about avoiding Kershaw. Ya know, I’m thinking maybe, I don’t know, possibly, who knows, could’ve, would’ve, eek, who knows, maybe, yes, someone could’ve seen this coming. Ya think? I looked to grab Brock Stewart in my NL-Only leagues. Also, since we’re here, if you’re wondering how well someone needs to do to convince Dave Roberts they should be in the rotation? A no-hitter is apparently a good start. Buehler will remain in the rotation; I’d imagine until Ryu returns in July, at least.
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .297. He hit two homers in back-to-back games in a stadium that is at the same elevation as Coors. Monterrey Stadium should really be called Corona.
Rich Hill – Scratched from Sunday’s start but didn’t have a major setback. The Dodgers are just worried about what the humidity in Mexico would do to his finger. True story, Hill once stayed in the bathtub too long, and his fingers turned to prunes for 18 days. At one point, an elderly man tried to eat Hill’s pruney fingers thinking they were his Raisin Bran.
Bud Norris – Left Saturday’s game with triceps tightness. Chuck Norris left others with injury. I had an idea…what’s the opposite of a brain fart? Brain push-in-butt? That’s what I had. I had a brain push-in-butt the other day, why not use Jordan Hicks to close? He throws 110 MPH, is that not good? I think that’s good. Any the hoo! Holland may get a chance to do the job he was signed to do, but waiting for that to happen while holding your breath may be hazardous to your health. Let’s hope the Cardinals get a brain push-in-butt.
Yadier Molina – Out for a month after a foul tip from a 110 MPH fastball from Hicks went right into his groin. *every reader but five girls cross their legs* Betcha Molina wishes he had the idea to have Jose Altuve wearing a batting helmet stand in front of his groin. That would’ve been a brain push-in-butt to avoid a push-in-groin. Still with me? Good! While Molina deals with his jockular sphincteritis, Carson Kelly will be called up. I looked at him in my NL-Only leagues, but it didn’t even occur to me to look in mixed leagues.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. I think he’s only played in three games, because I swear it seems like he homers every time he plays, then is benched for a week.
Luke Weaver – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.60. I wouldn’t even stream Weaver. I don’t believe he can get us through a night.
Caleb Smith – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Cardi B’s brother, Cale B is flat-out dominating. You know when you can make a 4.5 BB/9 work? When you’re doing like Cale B and dealing a straight fire emoji of 12.6 K/9. His xFIP is actually lower than his ERA. The walks and Marlins scare me, but I’m in.
Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .289. Anyone want to bet he finishes the year above .300? No, of course not. Then why was anyone concerned when he was hitting .250 two weeks into the season?
Max Scherzer – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 15 Ks, ERA at 1.74. He’s like Sarah Jessica Parker — a workhorse. Yo, Scherzer you are a SJP! It’s a major compliment (except to SJP).
Matt Adams – 2-for-4, and his 8th homer, hitting .296. If the Nats were going to do the smart thing, they’d bench Zimmerman and play Adams. I don’t think any team in the history of baseball has ever done the smart thing.
Sean Doolittle – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.72, WHIP at 0.45, and the win yesterday. I don’t usually mention closers who are doing well, but that WHIP had me wanting to recognize him.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .283, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Mike Soroka – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.50. Flipping between German and Soroka — that gave me a brain push-in-butt for a German/Thai restaurant, The Bonn Mi. No? Okay. So, as good as Soroka looked in his 1st start, that’s how bad he looked on Sunday. As his line shows, still not terrible, but he was kinda all over the shop, which is odd for a guy with his command.
Andrew Suarez – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (1 BB), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Looks to be the Giants 5th starter at least until Bumgarner returns. Suarez has all the makings of a solid stream, guess that makes him the *pinkie to mouth* Suarez Canal.
Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.42. Better, right direction, yadda blabbity bloo. But what I really want to talk about…here it comes…follow the arrow –>is under 6 innings the new Quality Start? The way we’re headed in fifteen years we’re going to look at Quality Starts how we look at no-hitters now. Forget 300 wins for the Hall of Fame, people are gonna be lucky to get 150 wins after 20 years. Do we really need to pull starters at 85 pitches? This is not rhetorical, I demand answers!
Chad Kuhl – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.12. Fun fact! Every time Al Gore meets a Chad, he says, “Chad cool,” then punches him in the face. As for Kuhl’s fantasy value, I’m interested, when he’s traded to the Astros in two years.
Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .238. For whom the Bell tolls, and the ‘whom’ in this case is the people who were able to hold onto a corner man who had one homer in the first month.
Corey Knebel – Expects to return this week. Either way, Hader gonna Hade, and I’d continue to hold him.
Chase Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.97. When you make Adam Frazier look like Rickey Henderson leading off the game, there’s concerns about your pitching. Adam Frazier can’t even talk about Adam Frazier in third person with a straight face. “Adam Frazier is the greatest of all-time,” Adam Frazier gulps, “Collector of tiny boats in bottles.”
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-4, 2 runs and three steals (5, 6, 7), hitting .252. As Shakespeare once said, “To Whit, I’ll take it.”
Jake Junis – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (1 BB), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.18, WHIP at 0.99. Since I picked him up after his first start of the season, there’s been no time when I’ve considered dropping him. It’s like I’m practicing tantric sex fantasy baseball-style. “No, I will not orgasm on a German, I am a Junis man.”
John Hicks – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .292. Also, has a five-game hitting streak, and the Tigers finally got rid of that dead weight, Mig-something, I forget what they called him. Could be a little schmotato on Hicks. Or Hicks might’ve just felt at home because Buck Farmer pitched in this game.
Jake Faria – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Five and a THIRD?! Geez, they better rest him an extra day! He threw a whole 73 pitches!
Aledmys Diaz – Was carted off the field. They’ve gone too far with new pace of play rules! *intern whispers in my ear* Oh, my bad, Diaz was hurt.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .316. His schmotato has been burning hot for about three weeks now.
Anthony Alford – 1-for-4 and his 1st steal, as he was called up. On one hand, he has a solid mix of power and speed. On the other hand, he’s platooning, at best. On a third hand that is actually a Hulk Hogan foam finger, his strikeouts are absurd. I’m ignoring for now, but that could change quickly.
Yo, Anthony Alford looks like the crying Michael Jordan meme pic.twitter.com/T5RxgPAnZB
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 23, 2018
Jacob deGrom – Placed on the DL with a hyperextended elbow. Mets manager Mickey Callaway described this as being “overly cautious.” That’s like saying not waking Russell Crowe with a bullhorn after he’s been drinking is “overly cautious.”
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.23. At the game was Matt Harvey, sitting behind the Mets dugout, screaming, “Yo, Callaway, I’m gonna sleep with your wife!”
Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Not saying he’s hurt, but he’s not right. I mean, look at his walks. Is this not obvious to the Mets? You know what, don’t answer that.
Chad Bettis – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.05. Don’t buy it, he’s the Buttis.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4 and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .188. Hot weather and balls flying in Coors can’t get here fast enough. Also, true of the National Beer Pong Championships.
Kyle Gibson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.49. If you click his name, you’ll be magically transported to previous articles on him and earn me .0000000001 of a cent. If you’re not feeling charitable, I like Gibson.
Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (4), hitting .282. If only someone told you to draft him–Wait, someone did. It was me!
Delino DeShields – 1-for-3 and two steals (5, 6), hitting .308. I have so much foresight, I told you to pick up DeShields three years ago! *thrown tomato hits right above head*
Sandy Leon – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .154. He now has 5 RBIs on the year. The Red Sox’s other catcher, Vazquez, also has 5 RBIs, and is hitting .193. And I just spent fifteen minutes Googling around to figure out which one was the ‘defensive specialist,’ because they both look equally terrible. Supposedly, Vazquez is the defense-minded catcher, and Leon is the professional hit man, and played by Jean Reno.
Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.16. He’s been iffy two of his last three starts, but I still think Morton’s worth his salt.
Alex Bregman – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .254. “The boat’s kinda cramped, so let’s just drag the body behind–Wait! I just saw Bregman move his hand. I think he’s alive!”
Matt Koch – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.13. He had a 5 K/9 in Triple-A. As a stereotypical Italian would say, that’s notta so good.
Kevin Gausman – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Here’s a weird one. Gausman is pitching well as far as ERA is concerned, which is the opposite of everything we know of him. Usually it’s, “Well, at least I got six Ks in the 3 IP, 5 ER start.” This year, his Ks, walks and velocity, are all down. Some of that is good — yay walks! — some of that — Ks and velocity, lowercase yay! He gets the Rays next, and the Stream-o-Nator likes it, and I could see dipping my pinkie toe in the water, but I wouldn’t jump head first.
Andrew Triggs – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Orioles, ERA at 4.41. That neighbor you have that put together a softball team, then got benched for his wife. He’d be an improvement on some of the O’s hitters.
Trevor Cahill – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.25, WHIP at 0.96. His peripherals are gorge — 11.6 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, 2.27 xFIP. Marla Gibbs can even dig that xFIP! His velocity has rebounded, his ground balls are solid, he’s not even getting that lucky. I’m grabbing him! Not so fast, Random Italicized Voice. It’s too late, I dropped Scherzer. Damn, too bad, Cahill gets the Yankees and Sawx next.
Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (6), hitting .336. This guy could have a future as a baseball player!
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting near-.300 in the last week with two homers. Only 2,271 more hits, and 515 more homers to tie Pujols! Could get there this year.
Cam Bedrosian – 1/3 IP, 3 BBs, as he started the 9th inning. While The Sciosciapath may consider this a solid outing, it was a full-on walking. Who is the Angels closer? Insert Shruggy the emoji and he’s scrolling through Yelp reviews, unable to decide where to eat. This shituation is likely just ‘wait until Keynan returns.’
Ryon Healy – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and five homers in the last ten games. If you’re waiting until he cools off, you might be going about this fantasy baseball thing the wrong way.
Marco Gonzales – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.19. Doesn’t get much better than his peripherals: 9.9 K/9, 1.6 BB/9, 2.74 xFIP. He’s in the top 25 for getting swings outside the strike zone, and bottom 25 for pitches swung at inside the strike zone. That sounds logically awesome, then logic drops a mixtape called Bobby Tarantino and has a bottom 50 swinging strike rate. I’m definitely cyclops’ing him, but his barely 90 MPH fastball makes me think he might be getting by on guile. I like guile in my favorite 12-year-old eSports player, but not so much in my pitcher. “Mom, I can’t go with the family to Aunt Susan’s, I’m in the eSports World Series!” “Timmy, tell your friends you’ll play with them later!” And that’s how the first eSports Championship got delayed four hours. Seriously, instead of rain delays, they have mom delays. Esports Announcer, “Turdlicker27 needs to take a timeout to take out the garbage. Wait, no, he’s using his one Mom Delay. Wow, didn’t see that coming, especially with dinner time only 20 minutes away.”
