Daniel Vogelbach (1-for-2, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and fifth in his last five games, hitting .471) is man-hot. Daniel Vogelbach is the Jelly Donut of Swat. Daniel Vogelbach looks like a beer keg with legs. John Kruk and Matt Stairs had a baby, and that baby’s name is Daniel Vogelbach. Daniel Vogelbach is one part mayonnaise, one part ketchup, and his secret sauce is Sexy, and he puts it on everything. “Why, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it), did Daniel Vogelbach spend 12 years in the minors if he’s spurting Sexy sauce on everything?” You ask, while batting your eyelashes. You have to subtract one of those years, young buck, because Daniel Vogelbach was once confused for a refrigerator and spent a summer in a Hyannis Port Sears showroom. Mansplainingly, subtract, like, ten of those years because he couldn’t play defense and he was in the NL. He’s done nothing but hit rockets like he’s groupies of Rocket from Guardians of the Galaxy. Last year, he hit 20 HRs and .290 in Triple-A with a 15.6% strikeout rate. He could be an actual breakout and I would grab him, even if his playing time might become cramped with the return of Kyle Seager or he might just be platooned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dylan Moore – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st homer. I saw the box score listed him as D. Moore and I wanted to believe his name was Dinty Moore, so that’s what I will call him.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .324. Let the parrot perch!
Jay Bruce – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. Pretty cool that MLB allowed the Mariners to store their baseballs in a dehumidifier.
Tyler Austin – 1-for-2, 1 run, as he was traded to the Giants for Malique Ziegler. You should hear me try to pronounce Malique. Ma-leaky? With this move the Giants DFA’d Connor Joe, so now we know what to answer when someone asks, “Where’d you come from and where’d you go Connor Eyed Joe?” I like this move by the Giants. Yes, it’s the first move I’ve ever liked by them. Baby steps, Bob! Austin was a preseason favorite of mine who was squeezed for playing time. If he gets an everyday job in San Fran, he could sneak into 20+ homers.
Kevin Pillar – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2), a grand slam, hitting .111. I like Pillar, and I think the Giants do too, because, ya know, they traded for him, so why on earth is he hitting 8th? A reasonable explanation would be because Pillar is their 2nd best hitter, and Bumgarner is their best, protecting him.
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.32. Five imaginary dollars says he has an ERA over 4.15 this year. Anyone want any action?
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .237. Fernando Tatis Sr. was an artist, not just with MS Paint, but with his baby batter.
Nick Senzel – Out of his walking boot. See, all he had to do was pay those old parking tickets.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Pulled from the 2nd inning with a groin injury. He was sidelined three months last year with a groin injury. I’m assuming he has the same groin, so this isn’t good news. Are we sure Ryu’s full last name isn’t Ryuok? Don’t go cutting Julio Urias just yet.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .229. OZUNA shoulder feel better. OZUNA wish last year’s pain on no one. OZUNA can’t wish pain on anyone, OZUNA not genie.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .176. Tildaddy says you can erase his Law & Order marathon from the DVR!
A.J. Minter – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. However, or howmever if you’re trying to sound smart, Vizcaino went a few days in a row, so it might not mean as much as you think.
David Dahl – Rockies said Dahl has a “slight” core injury and won’t be placed on the IL for the time being, which is what they say five days before putting him on the IL.
Raimel Tapia – 1-for-4 as he gets playing time with Dahl sidelined. Tapia’s interesting for very light power and some speed, but mostly because of Coors and the Rockies kill role players fantasy value as much as Coors drives it.
Trevor Story – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Looks like he’s healthy. Dot dot dot. For now. Kidding, I own him, and made a Story health doll out of twigs that I pray to every night, so we good.
Kyle Freeland – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.40. I’m not scared at all about starting German Marquez. I’m petrified.
Tommy La Stella – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .167. Keep hitting like that and Ausmus is gonna bat you leadoff again.
Andrelton Simmons – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He hit that one to outer space! Which is also where his home planet is.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .194. Moistasskiss!
Luis Severino – Didn’t feel good while long-tossing and is headed for another MRI. His last MRI said, “I could’ve told you he wasn’t gonna get better,” then rolled its eyes.
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.47. *whispers so not to jinx* Tanaka actually looks good at the beginning of the year for once. Fantasy Baseball Overlord, “I CAN HEAR YOUR WHISPERS.” Even while you’re shouting? “NOT SO MUCH THEN.”
Aaron Judge – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .289. Also, in this game, Jose Altuve (1-for-4, hitting .279) hit his 2nd homer. Have you heard? There’s a big height discrepancy between the two.
Brad Peacock – Moved to the bullpen for the next two weeks. Some days you’re the cock of the walk, other days they’re like, “Peacock, take a walk.”
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.24. As an owner of Verlander (on a team I autodrafted; don’t ask, or simply search the site), I worry that I won’t know Verlander has resorted to Garbage-trucklander until it’s too late in the season. Then again, it’s a Best Ball league, so I don’t even have to do anything.
Clay Buchholz – Will join the Jays’ rotation on Saturday. Welp, that’ll fix them.
Odubel Herrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 1st homer. I knew it was his first homer without looking it up, know why? No, it’s not because I’m an idiot savant. Because I own ODB in multiple leagues and doode’s been a drag like Wednesday nights at the Man-Hole. However, he does get crazy hot so giddy up, much like Thursday nights at the Man-Hole.
Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-4 and his 4th and 5th homer. What’s it called if you have buyer’s remorse but haven’t bought something? Caveat empty? That’s what I have with Hoskins. Serious caveat empty. I know, it’s FOMO. Podcast Ralph and I talk later today on the podcast about our FOMO.
Pat Neshek – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 1st save, ERA at 1.59. Not to give the ADHD spokesman, Gabe Kapler, any credit, but he did at least attempt to make Seranthony Hopkins Dominguez and David Robertson the closers, they just couldn’t handle the job early on. Now it’s rightfully a free-for-all in the Phils’ pen, and Neshek, on cue, gave up a 9-inning homer to of all people, Brian Dozier, so Neshek is not the answer.
Trey Mancini – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .385. He couldn’t have done this last year when I owned him in every league? That would’ve been too much? Why, God? *Priest pulls back sheet* “I think you’re confusing what confession is.”
Chris Davis – 0-for-5, hitting nothing, literally. Holds the new record for most consecutive 0-for’s at 0-for-49. How about All Star Game Home Run Derby participant, Chris Davis, but off a tee? Like you wouldn’t watch.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .341. Loving seeing the world through these new Villar glasses. It’s pronounced “VR.” No? Okay, let’s move on!
Cedric Mullins – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .167. “Seems like he’s passed to another world, let’s just dump him into this large sewer like you’d see in a video game–Wait! I think he’s alive!” Sadly, now the dopey O’s are going to think he hits best as a 9-hole hitter, because that’s where he was last night.
Mark Canha – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. I Canhas homerunzburger?
Jameson Taillon – 2 IP, 0 ER, but 6 unearned runs, ERA at 3.00. Damn, that ticker shock had me staggering around, grasping my heart, like Redd Foxx. You hear that, Elizabeth? I’m comin’ to join ya, honey!
Jon Lester – 2 IP, 0 ER, but left the game with a bad hammy. Sounds like he’s taking cues from Kermit. *insert Fozzie Bear laugh*
Javier Baez – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .273. He threw his bat for one of his singles, which is also the Hollywood Squares answer to, “How is Javier Baez also like a stripper?” Stop it right now, Paul Lynde!
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .250. That Schwarber platoons but Ben Zobrist is an everyday player is the definition of Maddoning.
Tommy Pham – 1-for-3, 2 runs and two steals (4, 5). Fam, remind me never again to doubt Pham. Almost palindrome!
Yandy Diaz – 2-for-6, 1 run, hitting .308. He’s so big, like professional wrestler big, he should have one name. Call him Yandiaz. Or simply The Mountain.
Blake Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Member when I was worried after his first bad start? You don’t? That’s prolly for the best.
Jose Rondon – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he received the start against the lefty Snell. His mafia boss name, Rondon Nada, and he sleeps with the fishes vs. righties.
Carlos Rodon – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.38. A fantasy baseball limerick, “Carlos Rodon is a horse. But somehow the roles reverse. Because as they trotted around the course. Carlos was the one being WHIPped, oh, Curly, it hoits. Can someone remove this curse?”
