As the Greek myth goes, the Yellin’ of LaTroy is the closer that launched thousands of fantasy baseballers to the waiver wire to pick up his set-up man, Adam Ottavino. There’s something to that great myth. There’s also the Greek myth about the LaTrojan Horse. In that one, the Greeks sent a closer that seemed like a workhorse onto the field, but once the battle began the LaTrojan Horse opened up and inside was marshmallows and the opposing team made a campfire, lit up the LaTrojan Horse and ate Smores. There’s also the Greek myth of Mike Mostsuckass, but that isn’t appropriate for right now. LaTroy Hawkins was spotted one out in the ninth inning and still gave up three earned runs, allowing a homer to the 135-pound power slugger, Dexter Fowler (who had a slam and legs and went 2-for-5, 2 RBIs). Whether the Rockies come out and say Hawkins is finished or on thin ice, I’d still stash Ottavino. He’s about to become a 35-save guy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Derek Holland – Placed on the 60-day DL with a shoulder strain.  I look forward to everyone that commented on my top 100 starters post saying things like, “You’re so stoopid for not ranking Holland.  He’s healthy.  Dur!  You’re a dur!  No, you’re a dur!” coming into this post and saying, “My bad.”  Yeah, that’ll happen.  Instead, those same people will say something like, “You couldn’t have known it was going to be an injury like this, so it’s still your dur.”  What I did know is Holland is always injured.  He’s due back in July, then his dopey mustache will hit the DL again in August.  Bible!

Shin-Soo Choo – Sat out Saturday and Sunday with back spasms.  Hopefully it’s not a Choo Choo sprain.

Evan Gattis – 0-for-5, .000 on the year with 12 Ks.  With each strikeout, my dream of seeing George Bush at an Astros game with a shirt that says, “I Love Bears,” is seeming more unlikely.

Hank Conger – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Because he’s good!  Seriously!  Please play him.  Please.

Jake Marisnick – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2).  If you’ve read this blog for an Urbandictionary minute (which is actually a long time), you know I have much love for Marisnick.  He has 12-homer power and 25-steal speed, and hit for a good average in the minors, but hadn’t been able to replicate that yet in the majors.  I don’t love him batting ninth, but Lowrie hitting third won’t last forever, and Marisnick will move up.  I’d look to grab Marisnick now, before he starts getting real pub.

Joe Kelly – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks on Saturday.  Yeah, Mos Def solid, but he was also facing a Yankee lineup, where the average age is 47, that had only five hours of sleep, and half that time they were up thinking they had to pee.

Clay Buchholz – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  Don’t worry, Red Sawx fans, you have Porcello going tomorrow.  Then Masterson.  Then Miley.  You’re all good!

Chase Headley – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Member my bold prediction that Headley would hit 30 homers this year?  He’s on pace for 65!

Masahiro Tanaka – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  When your fastball, change and slide-piece make you feel like your arm’s gonna fall off, don’t worry.  The Yankees only need you for 200 more innings.

Jenrry Mejia – Suspended for 80 games for Stanozolol.  I was going to mention this as a possibility for Mejia last week, but I had no proof.  All I had was a commercial that said Stanozolol has side effects that include growing out luxurious Jheri curls, moonwalking at inappropriate times, and a tendency to make a finger gun and blow on the imaginary discharged pistol.

Lucas Duda – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .381 as he bats third, but the Mets seem to be happy benching him vs. lefties, which would take some of the value out of his counting stats and leave him as an Adam Lind clone while starring in the BBC America show, Orphan Blech.

Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Alex Wood 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Bartolo got his first RBI in ten years in this game.  The last time Bartolo got an RBI he was only 98% Hot Pockets.  When Bartolo got the RBI-single, his helmet fell off, which seems to always happen to him when he swings.  All-Star Game Weekend idea!  Before the Home Run Derby, they should choose one lucky fan to try and catch Bartolo’s helmet after he swings but before the helmet hits the ground.  If he catches it, the fan wins a new house.  Like you wouldn’t watch this.

Mike Minor – Feels renewed shoulder soreness.  He might need exploratory surgery.  Ah, the final frontier.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd home run.  Figures the first year I don’t own Sal Perez anywhere would be his breakout year.  The year I own him everywhere he’s like Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt, afraid to stand and pee after his abuelita dies.  Then last year he’s the epitome of yawnstipating.  Now he’s hitting over .400 and breaking out with power!  Yes, this is about me!

Kendrys Morales – 2-for-5, 2 runs.  Sure, everyone on the Royals is currently hitting, but Morales is right there with them and in the middle of the lineup.  Someone beat you to grabbing Lind?  Look at Kendrys.  Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon!

Yordano Ventura – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks and left his 2nd start in row with a cramp that he made seem like a career-ending injury.  I can’t wait to see what injury Weinstein sends screeners out to the Academy members.

C.J. Wilson – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  His last game he threw a two-hitter thru 8 IP.  See, as you’ll see in any Head & Shoulders commercial, Wilson’s flaky.

Felix Hernandez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K vs. the A’s, but left with tightness in his quad.  F-Her, tightness, A’s and no Ks seems like a Fister.

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4, 2 runs and hitting .357 on the year and has two homers in four starts  Hot schmotato, yes, but you need to platoon him because the M’s don’t seem interested in playing him every day.

Fernando Rodney – 1 IP, 4 ER, but managed to squeeze out the sphinctory.  I’d own Rodney’s set-up man before Fernando gets Farq’d.

Josh Reddick – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI as he returns from the DL.  Fun exercise for you:  Go to a bar, find the cutest girl and tell her that you just activated your Reddick.

Jesse Hahn – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, but an error by Reddick cost Hahn the lead and three unearned runs.  As the idiom goes, a bird in the Hahn is worth two in the bush when dealing with a Reddick.

Drew Hutchison – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER and his teammate Aaron Sanchez pitched on Saturday and went 3 1/3 IP while giving up 3 ER. Tomorrow, the Blue Jays print out all my 2015 sleeper posts and use them as toilet paper.  You still need to give each guy another chance to correct themselves, then we’ll reevaluate if necessary, but obviously I would’ve liked to see better from both of them this weekend.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  I was watching this game when he homered and right before he hit it, I was thinking he’s overdue.  I’m not saying I have telepathic powers, but I’m currently thinking about how you’re reading this and you are reading it, so *shrugs* I do have telepathic powers.

Dalton Pompey – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Yeah, he does have 40 steal speed, but surprisingly he has 7-homer power too.  Here’s a bold prediction for you that I will only mention again if it turns out true:  Pompey will hit ten homers, steal 35 bases and be a top 50 overall pick next year a’la Marte.

Kevin Pillar – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run.  Jason Paritek and David Prtiz sent their congratulations to Pillar on Pwitter.

Chris Tillman – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER, but a serious box scare as he also gave up four unearned runs.  From now until 4/19, the Stream-o-Nator only dislikes six starts more than Tillman’s next and five of those guys I didn’t even know were in a rotation.

Travis Snider – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run as he hits .389.  Snider’s start is gonna have teams thinking twice about giving up on prospects.  Speaking of which, how’s Matt Bush doing in the PCL?  That’s the Prison Correctional League.

Rasiel Iglesias – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Since Rasiel’s so unknown, I decided to watch him for part of his start.  Physically, he looked like a mini-Aroldis.  I will call him Adwarfis.  He also seems like he belongs in relief, and I’m not just saying that because I want Cingrani in the rotation.  Okay, I am.  Damn, OPP, you know me!

Billy Hamilton – 2-for-6 and his 1st homer, but without context it looked like four steals.  Without Context Baseball is my favorite way to watch.  “Nice home run from Jose Abreu!”  “That was a foul ball.”  “Not without context!”  Only time Without Context Baseball gets dicey is when you’re cheering for Reddick.

Jay Bruce -1-for-4 and a solo homer, his 2nd.  Awesome stuff…12 months too late!

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run as he hit cleanup, and .333 on the year.  The Superfluous H usually gets hot when he hits a homer, so I’d watch for a hot schmotato here.

Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  If not for two mistakes to Hamilton and Bruce that led to two solo homers, Martinez was outstanding.  I believe JB’s doing his pitcher profile on C-Mart that’s coming later today, so we’ll let JB say what he saw on C-Mart by the seashore.

Kolten Wong – 2-for-4, 2 runs.  Snooze, move him to the top of the lineup, you fudging bastages!

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Sat out Saturday and got some sun on Sunday.  Fitting!  He has knee discomfort and I’m a bit worried.  Fo’serious, this could be an issue.  Stay tuned.  Or not!  Your choice.

Jordy Mercer – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  I went to pick up a middle infidel on Friday and Mercer was nearly my pickup, but I went with Lowrie instead, because he had been hitting a bit more.  Neither are good, but Mercer has been hitting a little. (Very little, okay.)

Casey Sadler – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Casey Sadler?  Isn’t that Flavor Flav’s real name?  *Googling*  No, it’s not.  But Chuck D’s real name is Carlton.  Oh, my.  Is there anyone with a more contradictory real name than Chuck D’s?  Oh, yeah, Hulk Hogan’s real name is Terry.  As for Sadler, there’s nothing here outside of deep NL-Only leagues as he had a 5.6 K/9 in Triple-A last year in 124 2/3 IP.

Jimmy Nelson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Polanco and McCutchen-less Pirates.  The Pirates that had Cervelli batting 2nd.  The Pirates that started Lambo/Hart/Kang, which sounds like a Bruce Lee adversary, but doesn’t hit like one.  Okay, the Pirates that were a mess, but I still like Nelson and own him.

Cody Asche – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .429.  I’m being haunted by a 2014 sleeper!  Where’s Scooby-Doo?!

Darin Ruf – Hit a pinch-hit homer, which is whatevs, but when it comes with Ryan Howard (0-for-4, 4 Ks) looking like a dog, then Ruf, Ruf, Ruf!

Chris Sale – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks as he returned from a fracture in his foot.  In a game of inches, feet are important.

Adam LaRoche – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run.  La Cucha LaRoche que fumar!

Danny Santana – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 2nd game in a row with two hits with a steal on Saturday.  Ah, a reprieve from 25 “Can I drop Santana?” questions.  Now onto the Micah Johnson questions.

Archie Bradley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (4 walks), 6 Ks vs. Clayton Kershaw 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 5 Ks on Saturday.  Depends on the league but I could see dropping Kershaw for Bradley.  Kidding!  Damn, sorry for the people who stopped before getting to the “Kidding.”  Mea culpa!  I’d grab Bradley in all leagues where he’s available.  He was facing the Dodgers B lineup, but that’s still better than most A lineups.  I’m still concerned that he can’t control his pitches and he’s prone to blowouts, which is not to say he leaves the house with a wet head and likes to go to Blow Dry bars.  As for Kershaw, hey, I wouldn’t have drafted him; that’s on you.

Juan Uribe – Day-to-day with a tight hammy.  Hey, loosen up Puig!

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks as Kershaw kept score with his tears in his eyes like he was a Native American seeing someone litter.

Joc Pederson – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer as he hits .300.  Why don’t I have him on at least one team?  Am I moron?  I am at the mercy of your answer.  Please, be easy on me.

Alex Guerrero – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Uh-oh, Uribe could be Pipp’d here.  I liked Guerrero this offseason when it looked like he might get a starting job (you know, for that three-day window when it was possible).  It’s too early to say clean-lipper Mattingly will let him play, but I’d watch him.

Yasiel Puig – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer.  After the game, Puig said he’d love to discuss Cuban relations with presidential hopeful, Hillary Clinton, or see her in a nightie.

Chris Hatcher – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  I’d say Kazaam!, but Hatcher is just some schmohawk that the clean-lipper keeps putting into the ninth.  The best thing about Hatcher is that he’s making Joel Peralta seem like a safe option.

Casey McGehee – Left knee bone bruise and received a cortisone shot.  In related news, McGehee can now punt a ball 500 yards.

Jake Peavy – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Yeah, he totally looks like he’s in game shape!

Nori Aoki – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .400.  Hot schmotato alert!

Will Venable – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run.  Also, in this game, Wil Nieves homered.  Apparently, the Padres forgot they spent $500 million this offseason and played their 2013-14 All-Stars.

Chris Archer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks on Saturday.  After the game, Archer said, “I’d do me.”

David DeJesus – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer as turned a hanging curve into a three-run jack.  Hey, it’s not water to wine, but it’s not bad for him.

Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-4, 1 run and J-FoH called him this week’s Creeper.  You can debate amongst yourselves about Razzball’s weird uncle calling someone a Creeper.

Rene Rivera – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs.  Is it me or do you expect Rene Rivera to turn his forearm guard around behind the ump’s back right before he slaps a hit?  Prolly me.

Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers and he’s 8 for his last 9 and hitting .520 on the year.  That’s for all of you that were writing him off as being over-the-hill.  Saying he couldn’t stay healthy anymore.  Saying we wouldn’t see the Miggy of old, but just an old Miggy. Well, for at least six games he’s been good.  That’s .4% of the season!  C’mon!

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd home run.  So far this year, J.D has gone together with Miggy like J.D. with Miggy.

Marcell Ozuna – Benched yesterday because he showed up late to the park.  Why was he late?  Because Marcell was monkeying around.

Michael Brantley – Stabbing pain in his back forced him out on Saturday.  The O’Jays know the pain he’s feeling.

Yan Gomes – Hit the DL with a knee sprain.  He’ll be out for six to eight weeks.  The good news is Santana will get a few games behind the plate.  The bad news is Santana will get a few games behind home plate, risk hurting himself and he doesn’t hit as well in his career as a catcher.  The neither good nor bad news is I had a lovely dinner last night at this new restaurant.  What a treat!

Roberto Perez – 0-for-3, 1 RBI as he fills in as the Indians new everyday catcher.  Indians are high on him, as in they like him so they must be high.  In 187 ABs in Triple-A in 2013, he hit .176 with zero homers, zero steals.   He was slightly better in 2014 (8 HRs, .305 AVG in 174 ABs), but he’s primarily a defensive catcher.  Or offensive, if using the 2nd definition provided by Roget’s, which means repugnant.

T.J. House – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Whose House?!  Giving-Up-Runs House!