Let’s put it out there upfront, the Dodgers shouldn’t re-sign Hanley Ramirez. Only Earvin Johnson III’s stylist knows exactly what Magic is thinking when it comes to throwing money at a problem. (By the by, am I the only one that thinks Magic’s son may have been a hospital mix-up and is really Charles Barkley’s kid? Could he be The Round Mound Sausage Hound? Earvin Johnson III goes by E.J., and Barkley works on TNT with Ernie Johnson, who goes by E.J. Hmm…) Maybe the Dodgers do re-sign Hanley and then Alex Guerrero becomes a platoon player-slash-fills in for Hanley when he invariably hits the DL and/or doesn’t feel like playing for a month. His last year in Triple-A proved Guerrero can at least compete in the majors. His stats were 15 homers, 4 steals and a .329 average in 65 games. Of course, that was in the PCL, so translating those stats to Earth stats and you have about 7 homers, 2 steals and a .270 average. Not mind-blowing, but remember that’s in only 65 games, so it’s not as awful as it sounds either. A film starring Alex Guerrero called, “Alex Guerrero, He’s Not Awful.” Aw, c’mon, baseball players are like us, they have feelings too, and that’s not nice. He floated a far way on a raft while eating nothing but Cuban sandwiches, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Hint to Fidel: maybe you allow the citizens of your country everything, except rafts. I don’t know, I’m merely a genius on paper. Anyway, what can we expect of Alex Guerrero for 2015 fantasy baseball?
When Guerrero signed with the Dodgers, Scott Boras said he had the power of Dan Uggla. Carson Kressley couldn’t even say that with a straight face. He has between 12-17 homer power. I’d say 12 since he’ll be a rookie, but a series or two in Coors gives a guy at least 5 homers….Then Petco subtracts 3 homers. Okay, I’ll be modest and say he gets 15 homers, but he does have upside from that. He has the inability to take a pitch. I’m guessing that’s a born-on trait of most Latin hitters that do the bulk of their training outside of the states. As Ozzie Guillen might’ve said, “You hit your way off an island; you don’t walk your way off an island unless you’re Jesus.” Due to the lack of plate discipline, I’m worried he’ll struggle to hit .240. Average is hard to predict for a rookie, due to small sample sizes — That’s what she said! Huh? — and due to the sheer nature of average that has luck so heavily tied to it. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt again and say he gets to .250. Hmm, maybe Boras meant a 2014-version of Uggla and wasn’t lying. Like a bus carrying Gwen Stefani and her band, that’s doubtful. The speed is very Yunel-like. (In fact, this whole guy’s profile is Yunel-like, yet we trudge on!) He’s not going to steal 15 bags; he may not steal 10. He’ll probably sit between 6-10. Again, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say 8 bags. So, maybe that movie is really, “Alexander and the Terrible Power, Horrible Speed, No Good Average, But Not Awful Day?” I’ll give him the projections of 57/15/64/.250/8. That puts him in solid NL-Only territory, but a guy that will most likely be overrated for mixed leagues if he gets the job early in spring training. At some point in the near future, Alex Guerrero will likely say, “I’m in Corey Seager’s car — BROOM BROOM.” And Corey Seager will say, “Get out me car.” But I bet that doesn’t happen until 2016 (unless Guerrero really bumblefudges his opportunity this spring, and even then Erisbel Arruebarrena — say that name fast 117 times! — could sneak in.)