Call The Doctor, Doolittle

Grab Luke Gregerson!  Ah, that’s how you start a post.  Some sweet, sweet SAGNOF.  It’s like when I walk into a room and it just lights up.  Guys and four girls be going, “Ooh, what’s his name, and can I get his number?”  My mustache is yours.  *eye wink*  There’s plenty of me to go around.  On the other hand (wasn’t that the first hand?), there hasn’t been that many closer jobs changing hands (there’s those hands again).  This weekend us save chasers caught a lucky break when Sean Doolittle came down with a strained intercostal.  Yes, he strained the highway that runs down the side of Florida.  What the H do I know?  Handsome, that’s the H I know.  Now, go grab Gregerson and come back for some straight fantasy flavor from the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it, thank you).  UPDATE: A’s said they might go to Eric O’Flaherty, the dad from Freaks and Geeks.  I’d grab both Gregerson and O’Flaherty until the situation worked itself out.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Geovany Soto – Acquired by the A’s.  This now gives them four catchers, unless you also count Donaldson, who used to catch.  Thus begins the newest installment by Michael Lewis, Catchball.  “While the majority of clubs had caught up to the inequality in perceived value for players with a high OBP and started platooning all of their positions, teams hadn’t yet realized that having five guys on the field all calling pitches was the new market inefficiency.”   Jon Lester said, “I remember one time I got a signal from (Derek) Norris behind home, went into my wind-up to get a new signal from (Stephen) Vogt in left field, then, right before I delivered the ball home, (John) Jaso, on the bench as our DH, gave me the final pitch call.  It was disconcerting at first, but Beane knows what he’s doing, when he’s not lifting weights.”

Scott Kazmir – 3 IP, 7 ER.  T-minus 8 hours until it’s revealed he’s injured.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer this weekend.  H2H owners of Hamilton rejoice!  Roto owners of Hamilton are playing fantasy football!

Michael Cuddyer – Hit the DL.  I thought he’d hit the DL next weekend after multiple setbacks.  I obviously underestimated him.  If MLB starts counting games missed due to the DL instead of Wins, the Rockies are going to be automatic contenders.

Michael McKenry – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Meanwhile, Rosario caught a catnap.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer.  Who says I won’t put Arenado in the 2nd round for 2015?  Who?  Well, I won’t.  But he’s going to be damn high.

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 16th steal.  Every player should get one year where they get to play in Colorado.  Should be in the next players’ labor agreement.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 7th homer.  When Harper wasn’t running into walls or teammates or barber’s shears, he was hitting.  That was never a problem.  Until this year.  Let’s be clear, he’s also not a potato chip in the shape of Matt Bush.  Since Harper adjusted his batting stance on July 18th (including yesterday’s gamer), he’s hitting .281 with 5 homers.  Like Goldilocks, he’s not out of the woods yet.  He’s striking out a lot in August (32%), but it’s not all Grimm either.  His homers per fly balls have stabilized and he’s making much better contact (28% line drive rate). If you have Harper, you gotta hope he’s out of whatever funk he was in earlier in the year with the batting stance adjustment.  I think in 2015 it might be the last time we get a bargain on him.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 IP, 5 ER.  Okay, only have so many apologies for young Nats wannabe-superstars.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer.  One day he’ll get his due…Then the next day he’ll tear his rotator cuff.  Stupid laws of karma.

Angel Pagan – Sat out yesterday with calf tightness and hopes to be back today.  SAT Question:  Pagan and Cuddyer get on a tandem bicycle.  They will fall and injury themselves within A) Five feet B) Ten feet C) There’s no C.

Gregor Blanco – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer.  The Giants could probably just go with Gregor instead of Pagan, but Angel is three years older and on the Giants that means something.  Sabean misinterprets Wins Above Replacement and just likes to go with WAR vets.

Tim Lincecum – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER and could be bumped from the rotation.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  And the stoned, rail-thin too.

Yan Gomes – Hit the concussion DL.  Indians decided to play it safe with Gomes after he went into the manager and pitched him a cooking show called Yan Concussed.

Danny Salazar – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  When he puts it all together, I will be his biggest fan.  We are not at that point with Salazar yet.  He’s still very risky.

Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Speaking of risky, Bauer is like naming your kid after your ATM password.  Unless you put asterisks in place of certain letters on their birth certificate, it’s just unnecessary risk.

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting near-.400 in the last week.  You say hot schmotato, I say hot schmotato.  Let’s call the whole thing on!

Danny Santana – 2-for-5, 1 runs, 2 RBIs in what was an insane weekend overall by the Twins.  The Twins scored more this weekend than they had in the previous two years combined*.  *Calculator watch broke, and I rounded, but I think that’s accurate.

Kennys Vargas – 3-for-5, 1 run.  When the Twins show up at a game, they have a separate bus for all the Kennys.  The only girl that can handle so many of the same man is Andie MacDowell.  Kennys collected more RBIs this weekend than Mauer has all year.  That’s a lot smaller exaggeration than it sounds like.

Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Beware the Ys of August.

Miguel Cabrera – Sat out on Sunday with a sore ankle.  He could’ve probably played, but after unveiling his new style of play of only hitting singles, he thought it was best if he sat out.  At the offseason ceremony when Puig became Charley Luau, did Miggy become Singles Poi?

Justin Verlander – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER vs. the Twins.  Sadly, that was his best outing in 6 weeks.

Victor Martinez – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 25th homer.  Really embarrassed for bloggers who pretend to be journalists everywhere that no one has alleged V-Mart is on PEDs.  You people call yourselves faux journalists?

Rajai Davis – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  The King of SAGNOF said in a press conference where Jarrod Dyson was the translator, “When Your Majesty, me, pours an ice bucket over my head, it’s a bucket filled with diamonds.  Now stop nominating me.”

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 14th steal.  Please come out of your last month of dreck.  I’m asking nicely and thanking you kindly.

Aroldis Chapman – Threw four K-heavy innings from Thursday through Saturday, so Jonathan Broxton got the save yesterday.  If you were handcuffed to Broxton, you can lose him.  If you lost the handcuff key, that sucks but at least you’re not handcuffed to Rosie O’Donnell.

Alfredo Simon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.26.  Reds should look at filling their entire rotation with guys that have been prone to nefarious behavior:  Cueto (kicking LaRue in the head), Simon (accused of murder in his home country), Latos (subjecting the world to his wife).

Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer.  Sorry, Billy Butler, but Todd’s the only Double D I want.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th steal.  Maybe Bruce, Evan Longoria and Miguel Cabrera went to Tadahito Iguchi’s Middle Infield Fantasy camp this past offseason.  “Today, we’re joined by Josh Barfield, who, as his last name implies, could spray it around.”

Evan Gattis – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer.  More amazing than all the power he’s showing is he’s hitting .276 this year.  All while wearing a cardboard box for a shirt.  Incredible!

Phil Gosselin – 2-for-4.  On the fo’really, how did Fredi Gonzalez fall so out of favor with La Stella in the matter of three weeks?  It’s like the Braves management goes in to see Fredi, “We have this guy, La Stella, that had a .400-something OBP in the minors.”  Fredi, “Cool, I’ll give him nine days to prove himself.”

Jerome Williams – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 1.77 on the Phils.  Back in the day, Jerome wasn’t good.  Jerome!  Jerome!  Put on that Bobby Womack!   Nah, girl, I’m going way back, like four starts ago, when Jerome was terrible on the Rangers.  Or six starts ago when he was terrible on the Astros.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, after stealing his 25th and 26th base on Saturday.  Your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you, Rollins has more fantasy value than that shortstop that’s on your team.  Yeah, and better than that other one too.  Geez, you have three shortstops on your team?  Well, Rollins is better than him too.

Ben Revere – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 38th steal.  After the game, Revere said, “Let’s see Denard Span do that!  Assuming I’m not Denard Span.  I’m not, right?”

Justin Masterson – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA on the Cards up to 7.43.  I watched some of this game and Masterson was the victim of some bad luck.  It was totally bad luck that he had to face a major league team.  He should be facing a celebrity softball team or a minor league team.

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 18th homer on Saturday, that’s three homers in the last ten games.  Can’t spell homer without an H, and you can’t spell Jhonny without an H, assuming you’re spelling it with an H.  Does any of that seem coincidental?

Yunel Escobar – 2-for-4, and was claimed off waivers by the A’s, but now they have to work out a trade and see if Yunel can catch.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal.  Sweet, only 20 more steals and his 16 homers won’t be so bad.  I am thrilled.

Chris Archer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.09.  Member how cacacuckoo I was for Cobb in the preseason?  Of course you do, unless you were struck on your head in the last five months.  Well, that’s how crazy I think I’m going to be for Archer.

Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 5 ER.  As I said for the last seven years, pitchers returning from the DL are hella dangerous.  Well, technically, I’ve been saying ‘hella’ for the last 12 years.  I still wouldn’t go near deGrom until he throws a decent deGame.

Lucas Duda – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homers.  He’s like the Pied Piper of hamsters, only he’s putting Visine in their drinking water and giving them the runs.  Wet Tail until you die!

Ruben Tejada – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Paid off for the Mets to hold Tejada three years past the point where they wanted to.

Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer.  Hehe, I picked him up to replace Gomes.  My catcher scab wasn’t itchy, but it still feels good to run my nails over it.

David Wright – 1-for-2, 1 run, but left yesterday’s game with neck spasms.  The Mets should let him strengthen his neck by wearing the head of Mr. Met.

Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department showed up at work on Monday with a phallus drawn on his face in permanent marker, so he had lunch in his office, but screamed from behind a closed door, “Get Hanley in your lineup!”

Andrew Cashner – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  He didn’t look right at all, and wouldn’t be surprised if he’s back on the DL again in the next two weeks.  I would hold him for now because of his home park and track record being more Mary Decker than Zola Budd.

Kevin Quackenbush – 1 IP, 3 ER on Saturday.  Joaquin Benoit threw a clean inning yesterday so Quakenbush can duck off.

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer.  Rizzo who?!  The player the Padres traded, which led to Grandal playing first yesterday.  I know, Random Italicized Voice.  It was a figure of speech.  ‘Rizzo who’ is a figure of speech?  What’s that a, gerund?

Tsuyoshi Wada – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.56.  I’m beginning to think I should upgrade Wada from streamer to must own.  Doesn’t have enough innings under his belt for full confidence, but his K-rate (8.1) and walk rate (2.2) are solid-bordering-on-excellent, and he looks like a guy you need to take a flyer on in almost all mixed leagues.

Arismendy Alcantara – 2-for-3 and a slam (4) and legs (7), hitting .228.  Sure, the average has been less than, uh, average, but he’s on pace for a 15-homer, 28-steal season if prorated.  If you’ve been reading the site for a minute, and that’s an Urban Dictionary minute that is actually a long time, you know I throw out average and am gonna be crazy excited for Arismendy next year.

Yu Darvish – Still has not started throwing, but the Rangers originally said he’s going to return tomorrow.  Hmm, maybe my original timetable of March is more accurate.

Eric Hosmer – Could resume swinging a bat on Monday.  Hopefully I don’t get a notification that he’s updated his LinkedIn too.  Leave me alone, LinkedIn!

Billy Butler – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, connecting off Scott Baker (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K).  Not the first time Butler’s hit up a Baker.

Mike Fiers – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA’s at 1.54.  I dropped him about a week ago and Rudy picked him up.  After he did, he texted me, “Can’t believe you dropped Fiers.”  It was a fair comment.  I probably shouldn’t have, but I have Yordano, Teheran, Arrieta and Alex Wood, and can’t really afford to carry anymore starters because I’m chasing saves.  This brings me to my point in a very roundabout (Yes!) way.  You can ask me if you should drop so-and-so, but without knowing the full scope of your shituation, it’s not always clear cut.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4 as he played over Khris Davis.  If someone Gillooly’s Parra’s knees, I’m going to be a prime suspect.

Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and a homer on Saturday, his 9th.  Once Rickie Weeks is off the Brewers this offseason, my love for Scooter is gonna be on like Donkey Kong in Hong Kong while playing ping pong with Kolten Wong.

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 8th steal, and two homers (16, 17) and a steal on Saturday.  The Pirates seem content with a platoon of him and Gaby at first base, which is about as sad as if you were being platooned at 1st base in your office softball league with a girl named Gaby.  If Alvarez is getting hot, and the Pirates decide to let him go every day, I’d pick him up.  Too early to say yet, so for now you gotta be like a cyclops with a monocle.

Starling Marte – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting near-.450 in the last week with a handful of homers (if you have tiny hands).

Masahiro Tanaka – Will throw a simulated game on Thursday.  If he can complete the simulated game, he will save the princess and possibly go on a rehab assignment.  He’s on pace to throw one inning in the last game of the season.  Definitely worth it to risk his career for that.

Brett Gardner – Missed Sunday’s game with a sore ankle.  Ellsbury didn’t start with general soreness after getting run down by Major Fatigue.  Not at all coincidentally, Chris Sale (6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks) pitched yesterday.

Chris Capuano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Stream-o-Nator liked yesterday’s start by Capuano, my, Capuano, but doesn’t want anything to do with his next start, and I agree.

Alexei Ramirez – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer.  I wonder if Ozzie Guillen is enjoying Alexei’s fine season.  Ozzie always took a special pride in Alexei, but he’d never say pride because he felt like that word was gay.

Conor Gillaspie – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  On my NFBC team that is doing horribly, the lone bright spot is Gillaspie, which tells you more about how horrible my team is doing than anything else I could say.

Avisail Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer.  I just gave you my Avisail Garcia fantasy on Friday.  I wrote it while coming up with an excuse to not take a couples cooking class at Sur La Table.

David Ortiz – 1-for-3, 1 run, but left the game after he fouled a ball off his foot.  Call him Charles Durning cause he got hurt by a Tootsie.

Xander Bogaerts – Hit the 7-day DL with a concussion.  Bogaerts owners this year are starring in The Malcontent Falcon.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs.  I think that might’ve been the most fantasy value he’s given in any game this year, but I’m going off memory.

Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  Too bad he can’t catch games, right, Billy Beane?

Mookie Betts – 2-for-3 and his 3rd steal and 2nd in as many games.  That’s about all I’d expect of him this year, but if he’s doing it, he’s definitely worth a look if you’re hard up for SAGNOF.

Corey Hart – Started a rehab assignment.  He was disappointed with the donuts in the back of the room, but he had plenty of guys to go outside and smoke with.  Oh, wait, it wasn’t court-appointed rehab.

Robinson Cano – Left yesterday’s game with dizziness.  Maybe he got a look at the size of his contract.  “Can to the izz-O, I told you not to look at that.”  That’s his agent, Jay-Z, calling him.

Dustin Ackley – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, and a homer on Saturday, while batting over .300 in the last week.  He has 4 homers and 5 steals in the month of August.  Prorated, that’s a 25/30 player.  Okay, that’s playing stupid with sample sizes — that’s what she said!  Huh? — but he has been good for about seven weeks now.

Hisashi Iwakuma – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER in Fenway.  This was the shortest outing of his career, and his 2nd shortest outing of his career was also against the Sawx.  Hisashi’s dashing — Sawx usurp USURP!