Tanner Houck went 2 1/3 IP, 11 ER, ERA at 9.16, and I don’t care how you “fantasy baseball.” You can “fantasy baseball” by drafting catchers early. You can “fantasy baseball” by taking pitchers early. You can “fantasy baseball” by not wearing pants. I do not care. But if you “fantasy baseball” and did not immediately look up who has Tanner Houck in all your leagues, I don’t understand you. You’re doing things in a way that are foreign to me! Sorry goes out to everyone who has Houck in my leagues. Ugh, weird time to pause. Let me continue: Sorry, you can’t bring me joy like this every night! So, Yandy Diaz (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and maybe he finally figured out how to elevate. Won’t send him the “Don’t you even lift, bro” t-shirt. Kameron Misner (3-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 2nd and 3rd homer. Actually have him in one league. I’m not doing well in that league! Moving on! Junior Caminero (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs), 4th homer, and third straight game with a homer. If he homers in every home game, how many is that and can we just call games played in Big Stein a homer game? One person Big Stein can’t hurt? Dave Winfield! Also, Shane Baz (6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.42) as he just overpowered the Sawx with 99 MPH smoke, an 83 MPH curve that looked unhittable and a 90 MPH change that basically floated past bats. Just filthy. He struck out the side in the 5th, hitting 100 MPH on the last pitch. I haven’t watched every starter, but the times I’ve seen Baz, he’s looked as good, if not better than any other starter. This is how guys become aces. Bazinga, indeed. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joe Boyle – Optioned to Triple-A. Sorry, Joe Boy-o.
Kristian Campbell – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. More Soup for you!
Kris Bryant – Hit the 10-day IL with lumbar degenerative disk disease. Bro. I mean, cmon. It’s like hitting the IL with “being unable to get out of bed ever again, but don’t worry, he’ll be back in ten days.”
Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .213. It’s all Goodman!
Dustin May – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.06. This is the 1st start where he’s looked as good as his ERA is saying he’s been, but that’s fine. It’s not like you’re in a league with Appearances, and, if you are, that’s not what that category means.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .304. Mookie Best!
Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .296. I hear people panicking about him in the comments. He’s not the reason your team isn’t doing well. He’s been fine — around top 20 on the Player Rater. If your team is not doing well, look at the guys who actually not performing.
Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Conspiracy Theory Alert! Skenes’s agent said to him, “Listen, you can be great, while saving your arm, and get out of Pittsburgh for roughly $600 million. So, don’t strike out everyone.”
Landen Roupp – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.80. Was glued to this game, because I wanted to see how Roupp looked vs. a solid hitting team. He handled the big bats well, and seemed to loose focus on the lesser guys, while also being singled to death like a stripper in a Law & Order episode. Streamonator doesn’t love his next one, but I’m starting him, and less worried about it than last night’s.
Tyler Fitzgerald – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, and a single short of the cycle. I grabbed him in my RCL last night for a batty call, and I regret to inform I’m calling him in the morning, and might call him my girl by Wednesday, if I get another good game.
Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hit leadoff, hitting .311. Better than listening to 311, I suppose.
Willy Adames – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer, hitting .203. Guys, if you help me carry this body to that cliff and toss it over, I will buy lunch–Hold on! He’s alive! Adames moved!
Brandon Marsh – Sitting for the next few days after going 0-for-26, i.e., Marsh is bogged down. Give me a high five! Right now! No? Okay.
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.30. His line looks better than Roupp, he did not look better. He looked much worse. It’s also baffling how a guy can allow a home run and it can be unearned. Legit stupidest shizz. Streamonator hates his next one and I don’t trust him at all.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Phils’ broadcast said he hit his home run 97 feet off the ground, and I had a brief boomer moment: Just because we can measure it, do we have to? That’s what I said to her!
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, hitting .175. Glad to see Jazz getting hot again. Now stay hot for the rest of the year. No presh!
Trent Grisham – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Hot schmotato alert!
Ben Rice – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .300, as he hits leadoff. He was also the lede-off Buy on Friday.
Austin Wells – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Picking up the slack for that 7-foot hole in the middle of the lineup named Judge. [intern whispers] He’s hitting .367? Well, so is Paul Goldschmidt, so what!?
Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Before you complain, know you are complaining to someone who has Gunnar Henderson in multiple leagues.
Seth Lugo – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.86. He can pitch as terrible as possible, and he’ll never have an ERA over 4. Things that make you go hmm.
Framber Valdez – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.91. For years I avoided this schmohawk, then I finally get in on him and he does this garbage. From now on, call him Framberrios.
Jeremy Pena – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .207. Started paying attention to averages this week, and two-oh-seven is like double-oh-seven but a shaken, not stirred Nick Martini.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.13. Ah, well, you never let me down, Gray. [turns to the mirror] Either spelling.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .316. You have to check out this Chinese take-out menu I brought back from Beijing. It’s the world’s first mention of Moo Shu. It’s over by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!
Alec Burleson – 0-for-1. Cards score a bunch of runs and Burleson doesn’t even start. Holy sit! This guy’s a bum! I hate him!
Kerry Carpenter – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Carpenter nails righties like he’s in a Biblical revenge fantasy.
Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.66. Well, la di da!
Juan Soto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper with a little friendly reminder he didn’t retire with $600 million. “Sucker.” That’s Anthony Rendon.
Clay Holmes – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Streamonator likes his next one a bit (prolly as much as it will), and I’d stream him.
Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.45. So far Rudy’s projections look spot-on with Ryan. If you didn’t buy a War Room this preseason, I’ll fill you in. The War Room was Horntown for Ryan in every draft.
Easton Lucas – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.70. Hey, do you mind if I leave my Shasta on the counter of this al-Qaeda-run bar? I need to hit the head! *five hours later* Hey, why is that guy frying my liver with onions–AHHHH!!! Roofie!!!
Marcell Ozuna – Won’t play in series against Blue Jays; headed back to Atlanta for exploratory MRI. Did they shrink down Dennis Quaid?
Grant Holmes – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.78. [Holmes kneels down, sweaty, like he’s James Brown, the Shroud of Touki is draped over his shoulders] Now, you’re good (for one year).
Austin Riley – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .288. Mean’s while, Matt Olson (0-for-2, 1 run, hitting .193) has a slightly better night than Michael Harris II (0-for-3, hitting .203), as they have a Crap-Off.
Sean Murphy – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .273. Glad Austin Riley homered twice, so I didn’t have to try to wrap my head around Sean Murphy being the best Braves hitter.
Brandon Lockridge – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Damn, he was my NL-Only SAGNOF Play of the Week. Sponsored by Taco Bell. It’ll give you runs!
Michael Busch – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. BDon and I talk this week about Busch and whether it’s real or a merkin.
Luis Arraez – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .282. He was hitting .176 about a week ago. That’s how early all this still is.
Dylan Cease – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.64. Watch your fingers, because the buy low window is gonna shut real fast.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .361. This is like what I always talk about in the preseason. Does it make you good at fantasy if you had the 2nd pick and not the 8th pick? Because you would’ve taken Witt and not Tatis, that makes you better? Some of this is just dumb luck. Also, if Tatis throws out his shoulder this weekend, you’ll be glad you have Witt.
Max Scherzer – Will visit the doctor again about his thumb. Likely not hitchhiking there.
