Walking down the street of Pittsburgh, talking to Yinzers to get their thoughts on Paul Skenes‘s debut, and the people were chatty with anecdotes. I told them about how Skenes could be the best pitcher in baseball and they told me about when they saw Dale Berra and Dave Parker pull out a baggie of coke, put french fries on top of it — the Pittsburgh-way, as they said — and snort the whole thing, fries and all. This debut, the Yinzers say, was more exciting than that. So, Paul Skenes (4 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks) with the biggest debut since Strasburg in 2010. Or that’s what everyone is saying. Since everyone is comparing him to Strasburg in 2010, I did some “research” and looked up Strasburg’s rookie year stats, and — damn! — I’d take that from Skenes: 5-3/2.91/1.07/92 in 68 IP. That’s a 12.2 K/9. Insane. On the Historical Player Rater, that wasn’t a top 25 starter year in 2010. It was not enough innings then, and wouldn’t be now. Also, I don’t think Skenes will get enough this year, and he looked. Dot dot dot. Fine. He was hit around a bit and couldn’t locate. One start is neither here nor there. If you can sell high on the back of hype? I could see it because he most definitely won’t be worth anywhere close to what people think this year. Now, excuse me, Dale Berra and Dave Parker are asking if I can transport some baby powder. Not sure why they can’t themselves, but anything for old friends! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Ke’Bryan Hayes – Hit the IL with “boy, this guy sucks, huh?” Unsure how long the recovery is from that.
Oneil Cruz – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Better get moving if you’re going to inconceivably drop him.
Justin Steele – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.73. Hey, real talk, he hasn’t gone more than 4 2/3 IP in any of his three starts this year.
Christopher Morel – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. A morel is a type of mushroom; a Morel is a much-boom that grows in May.
Patrick Wisdom – 3-for-4 and a slam (2) and legs (3), hitting .321. Wisdom was in Friday’s Buy, because I have wisdom. Lower case.
Jesus Luzardo – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.97 as he was activated from the IL. Usually when a player of Luzardo’s magnitude comes off the IL, I do a Kevin from ESPN goof and move on, but I didn’t here because I don’t know what to expect from Luzardo anymore. He looked solid on Saturday, but is that it? He’s fine now? On a terrible team? I don’t know, guys and five girls. I have a bad feeling about Luzardo that’s based less on his stuff in his first start back, and more on my gut.
Braxton Garrett – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.44 in his first start since the IL. Luzardo did what I expected from Braxton and Braxton did what I expected from Kyle Hendricks and Hendricks did–Any hoo! Holding Braxton for another start, but prolly on my bench.
Josh Bell – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Oh wow, never saw that before, as he circled the bases on that homer, he held a sign with his agent’s number and a copy of his no-trade clause on fire.
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. The Greek God of Hard Contact hit that homer for his mother and her mustache.
Zack Wheeler – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.53. Baseball is such a goof, I love it. Arguably the top SP in baseball vs. one of the worst teams in a pitchers’ park and he gets hit.
Pete Fairbanks -Activated from the IL. You can stop speculating on random Rays’ relievers now. Thank you for your service, Jason Adam. See ya later, Cleavinger. Alf veedersing, Shawn Armstrong.
Zack Littell – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.02. His last name is pronounced Lie-DEL, but I always say it like he’s a mouse voiced by Michael J. Fox.
Yandy Diaz – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Elevate your dongs, big boy! (Don’t take out of context.)
Luis Gil – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.51. Even though he’s pitching for the Yanks, he’s been relatively quiet of hype and fantastic.
Jahmai Jones – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Jahmai is a part of the chorus in Lionel Richie’s All Night Long.
Jose Trevino – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .293. Those homers were to illustrate a point: the Rays pitching is no longer good.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have traded him to my mom for Alec Bohm. Ugh, it was Mother’s Day though, and she said take it or leave it.
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .208. “Hey, Norman Bates, is that your mother in the attic and Gleyber—hold on! He moved! Gleyber is alive!” There might still be time to buy low on Gleyber.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Au Shizz, though more like, “Oh shizz I didn’t know he was still playing.”
Cooper Criswell – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.10. Once again I’m surprising myself by saying Criswell looks, well, good. Streamonator hates his next start, but I could see it.
Brayan Bello – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.13 as he was activated from the IL. Couldn’t wait until Monday? Clearly, the Red Sox don’t play in a weekly league.
Jake Irvin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.55. Did the Nats hire a new pitching coach? Their pitchers are looking a lot better this year. Irvin’s numbers look remarkably similar to Criswell, and can’t say I’m starting Irvin in his next, but I’m ready to monocle.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (6), 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games and fourth homer last week, and fifth homer–Well, you get it. Hot schmotato alert!
Alek Manoah – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.91. Hard to see where this Manoah start came from until you consider the Jays told Manoah he was taking on the Twinkies. If you think one decent start has me going anywhere near Manoah, you don’t know how much I prefer to win my fantasy leagues vs. lose them.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 3rd homer in three games. Oye como yay!
Bailey Ober – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.77. Not sure if anyone’s ever made their team better by rage-dropping a guy after a bad start in April.
Cole Ragans – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.22. If I point out every time Ragans sucks, I’ll make Mr. T horny.
James Paxton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.58. Pax started off with awful peripherals, and now they’re merely dreadful.
Andres Gimenez – 1-for-4, and his 2nd homer. And-Gim isn’t just Pam’s plus one!
Logan Allen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.56. This was vs. the White Sux and a straight Streamonator call like you make to the other Logan Allen. No, not that one, the one that’s a furniture store.
Cristian Javier – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.01, as he was activated from the IL. Since I was avoiding Javier in every league, and told everyone to avoid him, I can’t say I’m incredibly saddened by this development. Only sorry that it wasn’t Monday, so weekly leaguers could’ve started him.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.38. I don’t have a crystal ball, but if I had to guess, leaving Verlander in your lineup all year, and he’ll be more good than bad. I say this because of his roughly 17 years of track record.
Kyle Tucker – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Astros’ lineup has become, Tucker and a bunch of underperforming mother-uckers!
Jack Flaherty – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.88. He looks so much better than his ERA, and his ERA isn’t that bad. Cool that the Cards won’t be known for only giving away future All-Star outfielders.
Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Beverly Hills Cop, Bad Boys of NBA and this home run by Torkelson — the best moments in Detroit history. Then the car stuff, Motown, yadda.
Dean Kremer – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.72, but three more unearned runs for the small-scale Box Scare.
Craig Kimbrel – O’s manager, Brandon Hyde, said he wasn’t sure when Kimbrel would return to being the closer. If I were the manager and watching Yennier Cano pitch as well as he does, I’d ask, “Does Kimbrel have to be the closer again? Like what if he doesn’t? Is it like the bus going under 55 MPH in Speed?”
Adley Rutschman – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .304. I saw a ‘pert in the wild ranking catchers for ROS and Adley was like first or 2nd for them, and I had to laugh. He’s been fine, but about half as valuable as the top three catchers on the Player Rater.
Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.86. I saw he had a no hitter through four innings, but I know no one gets through Westburg more than once, before he takes you North by Northwestburg.
Patrick Sandoval – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.00. The old adage always rings true: Never trust an Angels pitcher, remains true.
Seth Lugo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.66. Game 7 of the World Series, who do you want starting Seth Lugo or Sandy Koufax? I’m going Seth Lugo, because Sandy Koufax is 88 years old.
LaMonte Wade Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. There was a team in your fantasy league who was dead-last in homers and now they’re dead-last but a few homers closer to the next-to-last team.
Michael Conforto – Hit the IL with a hamstring boo-boo, and the Giants called up Luis Matos, who is an excellent prospect who has never been excellent. You know how that goes. 30/30 guy who might go 1/3/.190 over the next two weeks.
Walker Buehler – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.36. Walker Buehler’s day off sadly happened on a start day.
Ha-Seong Kim – Left the game after being hit on the wrist with a 94 MPH fastball. Only Eminem is happy about this.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. All these guys who haven’t done anything all season hitting well on Mother’s Day is so typical. You call your mother once a year? That’s it? Every day is Mother’s Day, you schmohawks! Show some respect!
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. FTJ! Fun The Jewels! Fun The Jewels fast!
Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Between Cronenworth and Profar, Padres have some low-key valuable but very yawnstipating players.
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.43. Picked up Darvish off waivers for this game in my RCL, and I get it but Darvish seems like a guy who should be rostered.
Abraham Toro – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Toro usually served cold but not this week! Hey oh! High five me! No? Okay.
Brent Rooker – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Rooker was my best pickup in some leagues. No joke. Cust kayin’.
Bryan Woo – Mariners said he should make his next start. Cool, any chance he can pitch more than 4 1/3 innings?
Mitch Garver – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Mitch don’t kill my vibe!
Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. First, Torkelson, then Gleyber, and now JRod. Bring back Jordan Walker, the hex has been lifted! Or we have bouncey balls!
Seby Zavala – 1-for-3 and his 1st home run. I bless the rains down in Zavala!
Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Funny how Snitker never used a platoon before, but now that he figured out how, he’s overdoing it. Duvall coming in after a Kelenic homer because of a pitching change? C’mon! Let Kelenic see a lefty once in a while!
Max Fried – 7 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.57, and 2nd time this year pulled with a no-hitter. Going out and doing this — throwing a no-hitter — the day of Skenes’s debut? Disrespectful. Show deference to Skenes if not for his mustache, at least for his girlfriend. By the by, pulling Fried on 109 pitches during a no-hitter? It sucks, but either lose the pitch clock, don’t try to throw hard, or don’t let any pitcher throw more than 100 pitches ever. This isn’t Mr. Woke Hive Virus Mind speaking here, but guys can’t stay healthy.
