Noticias En Vizcaino No Es Bueno

Arodys Vizcaino is out for the year.  Backdate that to spring training when he was having arm issues.  He needed to have his labrum fixed worse than an overworked gymnast.  Filling in for him is the dumpster fire that is A.J. Minter.  I’ve got a wild idea, hey, Braves, how about you sign Craig Kimbrel with the money you robbed from Albies?  Here’s Albies agent before the signing, “Albies, sure you want to take this deal?”  Albies replied, “Why are you asking, Al B. Sure?”  Then they stared at each other for five minutes until Albies had enough and signed.  The Braves’ bullpen is such a disarray of WUT, I don’t even know who their setup man is.  I guess it’s the guy working the docks in The Wire, but it could be the guy whose name was Riddle, but, due to poor penmanship, became Biddle.  A millennial just broke down my door and said, “It’s penpersonship.”  My bad!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.75.  If Gausman is throwing his split-change more, than good things will happen.  So, I went to look at the leaderboards for change and splitter and split-change and change-split, which was just a tutorial on how to split a check.  Either way, I had to sort down to 10 IP to include Gausman.  That’s how early it is.  Although, he was near the top, so there’s promise here that I didn’t think he had two weeks ago.

Adam Jones – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .319.  You know he’s a Zombino because he’s twelve-hundred years old and once dined with Charlemagne. You also know you’re going to have an impossible time holding him in a mixed league team.

Lucas Giolito – 2 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.30.  Per the Streamonator, Giolito was throwing a sparkler like Ben Franklin in his stars & stripes underwear until Giolito hurt his hamstring.

Tim Anderson – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and ejected after being plunked for pimping his home run.  All for hitters bat flipping, but when Tim Anderson, after his home run, pulled a VCR/TV combo onto the field and watched Derek Dietrich pimping his home run from two weeks ago, then ran around the bases, I thought it was too much.

Yoan Moncada – 1-for-3 and his 2nd steal, but removed from the game when the catcher beaned Moncada with a throw to 2nd.  Okay, these beanball wars are out of control!  There’s so many beanball wars going on I’m afraid the Pirates are gonna knock down Goodrum.

Brad Keller – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.64.  Ironically, I look at Keller and I can’t see him on my teams.  Ironically used in the American sense, as in not what irony is.

Hunter Dozier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games and his 17th homer in the last week and my 408th mention of him in the last month and why don’t you want to pick him up?  Are you afraid of success like your father says?  Sit on my lap and tell me–Figuratively!  Get off my lap, you weirdo!

Nick Pivetta – Optioned to Triple-A.  Damn, right after I nicknamed him The Air Pump.  Ya know, because when the opposing team is feeling deflated; don’t worry, here comes The Air Pump!  Replacing Pivetta in the rotation is Jerad Eickhoff.  That’s right, the Phils went from screwing us to a Jer-khoff.  I like this Jer-khoff guy, but more for deeper leagues or streams.  He’s around a 8.5 K/9, 3.2 BB/9, 4.15 ERA guy with some chance for upside.

Odubel Herrera – Out with a hammy.  Or more accurately for ODB, a Hammy Hammy Ya.

Scott Kingery – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games, hitting .480.  Everyone wanted to own Kingery last year.   Don’t believe me?  Check your fantasy baseball diary you bought from Papyrus.  What does it say around this time last year?  Read it to me!  You reading, “I’ve been having unclean thoughts about Scott Kingery.  My mom wants to send me to a camp run by Kirk Cameron in Indiana.  I’m worried they will try to change me. What do I do?  I can’t just twirl my hair with my finger!”  See?  You loved him last year.  Time to love him again.

Cesar Hernandez – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer, hitting .237.  Not great for Kingery’s playing time, but with Segura and now ODB out, Kingery should have some runway for at least the next few days.

Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.25.  Donkey Teeth asked on Saturday in his roundup about a glossary term for Zombinos that are pitchers (old pitchers who have a resurrection).  Right now, Old Feller is in the lead.  Suggest in the comments better ones.  Don’t use Arrieta in the name.

Hector Neris – 2/3 IP, 0 ER (barely didn’t allow runs) and his 2nd save.  Kapler can’t quit Neris.  I don’t want to say Neris is even more locked into a closer role than, say, Brasier, but Neris kinda is.

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.35.  Was definitely starting Zack Wheeler in Philly prior to Matz’s start, but then there was no way I could start Wheeler, which meant he was about to pitch well, and that was the reason why I started Wheeler in Philly.  *massive exhale* It could’ve been worse.

Michael Conforto – 2-for-4 and a slam (5) and legs (2), hitting .324.  How about that Michael Conforto sleeper post of mine! (Didn’t he get drafted in, like, the top 60?  Sleeper?)  Quiet, Parenthesis!

Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.00 vs. J.A. Happ – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 7.23.  This matchup was billed as, “Well, that’s an easy two guys I can’t start in any league,” which was later renamed, “Sonavabench!”  Bless your giant cojones if you started either guy, they are massive pants grapes.  Both pitchers looked better (obviously), but marginally.  Enough that I would hold them.  Eovaldi looked particularly sharp varying velocity and location, whereas Happ stopped throwing his crap four-seamer after he was roughed up early and showed better results.  Happ stays away from his once-great four-seamer, maybe he has a chance too.  Hopefully, we don’t see his evil twin again, M.I.S.

Dustin Pedroia – Lasted about 46 innings before another knee injury.  Even his Uncle Scooby would agree he’s toast.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  Just Dong because what else is new.

Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd in as many games.  Javy should light a match under Rizzo and Bryant to make sure they’re still alive.  I’m concerned.  By the way, Baez homered off Nick Anderson, everyone’s new favorite middle reliever.

Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.09.  I’m beginning to think drafting the entire Marlins’ rotation was not the best move.

Ji-Man Choi – 2-for-2, 3 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .293.  I spy a Ji-Man!  This is also his first interesting game all year, so I’m cyclops’ing him.

Yandy Diaz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .271.  Was beginning to think the clock struck midnight on Yandy and his muscles were turning into pumpkins.

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .300.  Take a swig of that jug, Bra-Lowe!  (So juvenile.)  I don’t mind Lowe as a middle infielder, but him vs. like 12 other MIs is such a hard and boring choice.  Not as boring as Peraza, though, I realize that.

Steven Duggar – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Singing a’la California Girls, “I wish they all could be Sexy Dr. Pepper.”

Howie Kendrick – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .500.  *hand bursts through ground at Nationals Park*  “Hey, a hand just grabbed my cankle.  Oh my God, it’s gnawing my feet digits!”  Schmotato, yes.  But more concerning, Kendrick is a Zombino.

Matt Adams – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games.  That’s gonna do wonders for my Zimmerman shares. *rams head into wall, finds hidden compartment in wall, reaches hand in, mousetrap snaps shut on hand*

Matt Moore – Out for the year with a knee injury.  His doctor’s file is 27 U-Haul wardrobe boxes filled with papers.

Spencer Turnbull – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.43.  Look at Turnbull’s gamelog.  What a charmed set of matchups.  Good luck next time out, sucker.

Justin Turner – Still out with an ankle injury.  Random Prediction Alert!  At the end of the year, I will say something like, “Turner wasn’t very good this year aside from that six-week stretch in the middle of the summer when he hit .375.”

Walker Buehler –  6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.40.  *pulls hands back in quickly*  Almost lost my hand when that Buy Low Window shut.

A.J. Pollock – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Confession Alert!  I keep forgetting Pollock is on the Dodgers.  He hasn’t done a ton to remind me either, so, of course, this is his fault.

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.79.  That’s nice.  He can do it the rest of the year and I’m still not bothering with him.  Sorry Gray, that’s what I call him.

Jake Odorizzi – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.76.  Are Twins pitchers throwing a 5-inning simulated game before every start and that’s why they can’t make it to the 6th?

Frankie Montas – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70.  I hear he was pumping 98 with ease and looked filthy.  Well, 98 is Top 40 crap and take a shower! *intern whispers in my ear*  Oh, I see.  98 MPH, gotcha.  His peripherals look so meh.  I guess cyclops him, but I’m using the Streamonator for him.

Matt Chapman – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .284.  Matt Chapman’s homers are killer vs. Matt Homer Chapman is a killer.  You see difference?

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .345.  Continues to swing a hot bat, and only owned in 32% of leagues.  What’s wrong with Choo?  Which is best said by Rosie Perez.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 7.41.  Being a big nature guy, I’m going to feed this bird on the window sill…hey, is that Greg– Damn, the Carrasco Buy Low Window slammed shut.

Jake Bauers – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .226.  Quick!  Get him out of the lineup for Hanley or CarGo!  It’s imperative!

Erik Swanson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.38.  Here’s what I said for him last time, “With LeBlanc out for upwards to six weeks (Wade not Matt, though who knows where Matt is), Swanson was called up by the M’s.  Swanson’s a hard thrower the M’s got from the Yanks for Paxton, and has a solid-enough slider.  He could be a 9+ K/9 and mid-2 walk rate guy, so I’m buying in deeper leagues (to give you an idea, I dropped Roark for him).  The Prospectonator projections for him don’t look bad.  He’s above Kyle Wright, to throw out one random rookie starter.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Harrison Bader – Hit the IL after spending about five days on my bench being day-to-day.  The Cards had 17 outfielders, and the injured list is only ten days, so why exactly couldn’t they figure out IL’ing Bader sooner?  Not to answer, but for me to grumble.  This does give some runway to Jose Martinez (1-for-4), and I grabbed him in one 12-teamer.

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 ks, ERA at 4.64.  This start makes me call up my friend, The Emoji With The Hand On The Chin and ask, “Hmm?”  It replies, “Hmm,” back and we’re at a stalemate.  Digging in on Wacha, and his peripherals are not great (4.70 xFIP, near-6 BB/9), but it’s early and I’m Wacha’ing him.

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer.  OZUNA want to play in Milwaukee all the time.  OZUNA love stadium.  OZUNA does not know name of it either.

Paul DeJong – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .342.  All singles yesterday for DeJong, which left girls at The Naughty Beaver saying, “These dollars smell like honey DeJong.”

Corbin Burnes – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 10.70.  Not a great start, but it’s just a miracle he’s pitching given Corbin Burnes’s son is 65 years old and hasn’t been in the Major Leagues since Major League:  Back to The Minors in 1998.