Judge Whoppner

I can’t believe Aaron Judge was caught stealing yesterday.  I’d be afraid of tagging him.  He should have just put the MI in The Claw, Baron Von Judgeske-style.  You remember The Machines?  They were the most obvious masked wrestlers in the 80’s.  Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan put on a mask, but wore exactly everything else.  Here’s Hulk Machine:

It’s like the Clark Kent of disguises.  It’s like if I wore a Hamburglar disguise but you could see my mustache.  They should do Baseball Machines.   Right now, Judge Machine is my favorite Machine and moving in on my love for Giancarlo Machine, and where the hell is Odor Machine?  He needs to pop Bautista Machine in his big, fat mouth and get crazy like Charlie’s mom, Ma Sheen.  As for Judge Machine, yesterday he went 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his major league-leading 13th homer as he hits .330.  That last number is the real surprise.  Is he a .300+ hitter?  I’m gonna go unlikely with a side of nuh-uh.  Can he hit 40 HRs and .270?  That’s looking affirmative.  I’m sure he’ll cool off; they all do, but I wouldn’t be against buying him high either.  If someone doesn’t believe the 40-homer, 275-pound love muscle, get him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

CC Sabathia – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.45.  Sabathia’s xFIP is approaching the size of his FUPA.

Matt Holliday – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .269.  Here’s what’s gonna happen.  You’re gonna go into your waivers, pick up Holliday, put him on your team, start him for a day, watch him go 1-for-4 and immediately grow bored.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Released by the Jays.  Jays’ GM said, “Turns out a Saltymochachino is way worse than a unicorn frappuccino.”

Steve Pearce – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd in two games.  The hottest schmotato in all the land?  Steve Pearce!  Wow, that has a real ring to it, uh, not really.

Marcus Stroman – Left yesterday’s game with arm discomfort.  May I interest you in a DL stint?  It’s very accommodating and you’ll find 75% of the league there.

Noah Syndergaard – Mets are predicting Syndergaard will miss three months.  That would leave him with about ten starts left on the year if everything works out the way the Mets plan on it.  I seriously doubt everything will work out the way the Mets plan on it.  Maybe the Mets will blame Russian hackers, FBI Director James Comey and misogyny.

Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.68.  Jokes aside about the Mess’ pitchers, but deGrom might still battling something.  The 3.02 xFIP and 12 K/9 are purdy, and I’m not disagreeing with any of that, but his 3.9 BB/9 is goofy high for him and he is going to his slider an insane amount.  If I owned him, I’d be happy he was still pitching, but I wonder if he’s adjusting because of his arm.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4, 1 run, 5 RBIs, hitting near-.375 in the last week with three home runs.  “This is vintage Reyes, vaping the ball!  What?  Instead of smoking.”  That’s David Wright practicing his MLB TV audition tape.  Don’t think it lasts long-term, but I’d absolutely grab Reyes in all leagues while he’s vaping hot.

Michael Conforto – 3-for-6, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .357.  Barely owned in 50% of ESPN leagues.  Y’all slow as eff.

T.J. Rivera – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .278.  Okay, Mets exploded for 16 runs, and even Rivera’s brother from another mother and father, Rene, had a good game.

Kevin Gausman – Ejected for a HBP on a 77 MPH slider.  When you walk in the garden, you better watch your step.

Steven Wright – On the DL with a sprained knee, and now there’s a possibility for knee surgery.  Steven Wright said, “The doctor said the price of the surgery would be my season, so I’m glad I’m making the league minimum.”

Cole Hamels – Out for eight weeks with a strained oblique.  Wow, what happened to the days when a strained oblique knocked a player out for four weeks and then, when he returned, he’d have a reoccurrence of the injury that sidelined for another month?  Oh, guess that’s the same diff.  Well, good thing I told you to sell Hamels two weeks ago.  What?  You didn’t listen?  Aw, shucks.

Adrian Beltre – Rangers are hoping Beltre can return by the end of the month.  Damn, he’s been out a while for a calf strain.  This is the worst problem with a calf since the Chicago Fire of 1871.

Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 3rd homer in two games.  If you wait long enough, he will cool off, i.e., stop waiting!

Josh Reddick – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Usually when Reddick gets hot he homers, but he is a matchups play so you have to see who he’s facing.  By the way, if you Googled “when Reddick gets hot,” and found us, we won’t judge you here.  My advice is use less Gold Bond medicated powder.

Carlos Correa – 4-for-5, and his 3rd homer, hitting .255.  Two more weeks of that, and we’ll be good.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.97.  Any chance he is an under-4.50 ERA pitcher in away games?  I don’t think so, so so-so.  Serious stuttering!  With that said (Grey’s doing a U-ey!), Morton gets the Braves at home next and that’s a tasty matchup.

Aaron Nola – Will undergo an MRI on his back.  He’s missed two return dates and is now getting an MRI a week after he was DL’d.  Signs are all pointing to Nola being no-YOLO.

Wade Davis – 1 IP, 0 ER, and the save, holding his ERA at 0.00.  So, about those preseason concerns about his health, um, yeah, I think he’s fine.

Sean Doolittle – Hit the DL with a shoulder strain.  He missed most of 2016 with a shoulder strain, as well.  He is living up to his name.  Santiago Casilla moves into the clearcut lead for the job, and Madson would be the likely backup.

Yonder Alonso – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and only one homer off his seven homers from 2016 when he had 482 ABs.  Fun fact!  Billy Butler also has 482 abs, you should see him on a Brookstone massage chair.  This is the 2nd homer in as many games for Alonso, and I’d grab him to see how far he can take this new approach.

Tony Wolters – Out with a concussion.  Due to being hit on the mask with a backswing, Wolters can’t see 20/20, no word if he’s also seeing Hugh Downs naked in his dressing room.

Ian Desmond – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers in his 3rd game back.  Oh, and he hasn’t even gone to Coors yet.  Shine on you crazy Desmond!

Antonio Senzatela – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.84.  I own Senzatela in an NL-Only league, and he’s done well for me, but this game was vs. the Padres, and monks can’t hit.  Sorry, monks.

Corey Kluber – Hit the DL with the lower back stiffness.  Hurry back, so you can give me that promised lower front stiffness that I drafted you for.

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.18.  Here’s me in March, “Ugh, I can’t believe I drafted Carrasco and now he some kind of injury that May Grey won’t even remember.”  Here’s me now, “What spring injury?  Wasn’t it Salazar?”

Mike Trout – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer.  Just barely keeping pace with Marwin Gonzalez!

Kole Calhoun – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and his 3rd homer in as many games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Jean Segura – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Bit off pace so far with steals, but right there with power, which sounds like literally every major leaguer.

Gio Gonzalez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (7 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 1.64.  I streamed him due to the Stream-o-Nator and sure am glad it wasn’t a K/BB league.  I dropped Gio before the game even finished.  Anyone who walks seven guys in a start?  I’m good, thanks.

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (1 BB), 10 Ks, ERA at 3.47.  Basically, the exact opposite of Gio.  Look at all those glorious Ks and one walk?  Guys and five girls, I think the breakout is finally here.  Imagine Pineda and Ray break out in the same season?  The world will implode.  (Yes, that will be the reason the world implodes this year; no other reasons at all.)

Chris Owings – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .313.  I picked up Owings about three weeks ago, and haven’t even considered dropping him.  *thinks for a moment*  Okay, I might’ve dropped him at one point, but I put in a waiver claim and grabbed him again immediately.  Plus, I do, like, ten-hundred moves a day.

Jose Abreu – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .263.  Ah, nothing sweeter than a garbage time homer from one of your players after you stream his opponent (Nate Karns — 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners. 7 Ks, ERA at 4.97) and that starter is out of the game.  Since we’re here, I streamed Karns, because of the Stream-o-Nator, and he has a 4.97 ERA, so, goodbye.

Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners (1 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.31.  Taillon suffered from a FIPlash, and the Fangraphs Database said, “I’d continue to drink that Jameson,” then snorted repeatedly.

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .235.  You know what’s coming, right?  It’s obvious, isn’t it?  About 19 HRs, .255, no steals and one month-long DL stint.

Gregory Polanco – 0-for-2, and his 6th steal, hitting .229 and has zero homers.  Can McCutchen’s month-long DL stint land on top of Polanco?  I gave you April, but Jesus Chris Ramirez, what the eff?

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .322.  The Rodney Dangerfield of CIs?  He hit 21 HRs and stole 11 bags last year, and he’s still not owned in all leagues.

Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer.  Perfect walk-up music for Mesoraco, Neil Diamond singing with Uncle Fester turning on a light bulb with his mouth on the diamond vision, “Turn on your head light…Let it shine wherever you go.”

Julio Urias – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 0.84.  Felt it was appropriate to put Urias after Mesoraco, because Devin always makes me want to close my eyes.  Obviously, four walks vs. one strikeout isn’t ideal, but he’s 20 years old and looks like a top 30 starter, so, yeah, you’ll take that.

Cody Bellinger – 0-for-4.  A-Gon said yesterday that he might place himself on the Disgraceful List (no joke; well, yeah, he didn’t say Disgraceful List, but did say he might go to the DL), and Dave Roberts said yesterday, “Cody’s done everything he can that he wants to continue this opportunity.  Tip your hat to him for the way he plays the game.  A lot can happen between now and Friday and even with that we have not made a final decision.”  Roberts went on to say, “When I tipped my hat to him, he stole third.  I forgot that was the sign.  The kid’s good.”

Jeff Samardzija – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 5.03.  [email protected]*(&^! has done his part in my cobbled together staff so far in my Tout Wars league.  Click on the link and live with me for a bit.  *blows on knuckles, wipes knuckles on shirt, realizes I had tomato sauce on knuckles and now it’s on my shirt*  Damnit!

Edinson Volquez – Hit the 10-day DL with blister problems.  It’s a blisterpocalypse!  Don’t go outside except for Blistex!

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .300.  OZUNA can Snell what Blake is cooking.

Blake Snell – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.45.  The 6th inning for Snell is like the 6th minute of sex for a 15-year-old male.  You’ve heard it exists, but you never seem to last that long.  Maybe Snell needs to think about sex when he plays baseball to help distract him.