Nats’ Garcia Stroking So Hard, Should Luis Seek A Doctor?

Who has the most homers in June? Is it Kyle Schwarber because he’s the King of June? Is it Yordan Alvarez because Captan Woo Cubano is in the running for most homers in any month? Is it Junior Caminero because he has 78 homers in the last week? Is it Pete Crow-Armstrong because he colored his hair to match a baseball and imagined knocking some sense into his own head? Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! It’s actually…[sees it’s not Luis Garcia Jr.] Uh, okay, it’s Hunter Goodman with 12 homers. But 2nd is Luis Garcia Jr. (3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, hitting .280) with 11 homers in June! Like I’m walking into a toga party, “LuGaJu! LuGaJu! LuGaJu!” Goodman is only hitting .261 in June, and LuGaJu is hitting .284! Got ya ass! (Though, Goodman beats LuGaJu in runs, RBIs and steals.) LuGaJu does only have a 15 K% and has 20-steal speed. He was a sleeper of mine two years ago, and a long-time love. A cheap 20/20 guy with a solid batting average, who is always underrated because he gets a light platoon vs. lefties. So, his runs and RBIs suffer, but everything else is better than you think. Someone lifting my ankles so I can do a keg stand while people chant, “LuGaJu! LuGaJu! LuGaJu!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Foster Griffin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.93. The numbers back up the breakout. Okay, maybe not sub-3, but 3.50 ERA and 9 K/9? Yeah, that works in any league.

Kyle Bradish – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.77. Feels like more so than any other pitcher he’s had multiple seasons in three months. This month alone has been a lot. Look at this month’s starts: 4 IP, 5 ER — 4 IP, 5 ER — 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER — 8 IP, 0 ER, then yesterday.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Albombso!

Jackson Holliday – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .204. Every time I see Jackson Holliday’s name I want the prospect writers, who oversold him, to pay me a nickel for raising his expectations. I’d have, like, thirty cents!

Christian Scott – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.20, as he was activated from the IL. He was on the IL with “Mets were throttling his innings,” and now he’s back with, “They no longer are throttling his innings.”

Tommy Pham – Signed a minor league deal with the Phillies. Looking to see if I can bet on a prediction market that Pham and a Phillies fan will have an altercation before the end of the season.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (30) and legs (2). People were pushing back against my preseason ranking of Schwarber that I was too high. Could’ve been using that energy on literally anyone else in the top 12, besides Ohtani.

Gerrit Cole – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.06. His stuff isn’t bad, per se, but he’s just not sharp with it. Getting way too much of the plate vs. teams he should be eating for breakfast like a nice congee. Five-plus innings and four earned is not congee. [shaking fist, screaming] Not congee!

Jake Bennett – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Wrote him off when he first came up because he looked like an iffy 7.5 K/9 guy at best, and he is a 7.5 K/9 guy at best, but it’s with an under 2 BB/9 so far, and there’s some slight value to that. Mostly Streamonator in mixed leagues.

Sonny Gray – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.69. Sonny Gray, in the mirror, “If you pitch really well, the Yankees might forget how awful you were for them, and trade for you. It’s your one shot. One opportunity. Man, I gotta stop watching 8 Mile.”

Romy Gonzalez – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL, as he hit 5th. Welp, Red Sox gave you a chance. Now, it’s over.

Kai-Wei Teng – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.36, and optioned to the minors. Doctor said, “Ahh, that’s Teng suppression.”

Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.78. Start didn’t feel superlative but 10 whiffs, 86 mph average exit velocity and velo seemed fine.

Isaac Paredes – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .254. He’s defied every attempt by me to declare him hot. His game log looks like: HR — seven game stretch of meh — HR.

Christian Walker – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .240. Onward Christian Walker!

Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Would’ve never said this three months ago, but Framber appears to be a shallow mixed league streamer. His numbers are hideously yawnstipating.

Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.97, as he was activated from the IL. Flaherty is the personification of the banana in the tailpipe.

Reid Detmers – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Angels fired their GM this past weekend. I think I know the answer, but do you think Arte Moreno woke on Friday and was like, “Wait a second, are you saying we suck? I thought you said Adam Frazier was the answer? Or was it Yoan Moncada? The Smeckler platoon? Wow, surprised to hear these things aren’t working. Guess I gotta fire you now.”

Josh Lowe – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .204. Has two homers in his last seven games. Unfortch, there was a month demotion to Triple-A between those seven games. A quibble, p to the erhaps!

Samy Natera Jr. – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.96 and his 1st save. Ya know how you know he’s a made-up name? The Jr. It’s a dead giveaway. Had to gild the lily.

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Incredibly, Cristopher Sanchez left May looking like he could reach a record for consecutive scoreless innings, and Webb had almost as good of a June, ended with a 0.71 ERA in 38 IP. That’s 3 ER.

Robbie Ray – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Robbie Ray: Greg Maddux from the waist up, Ned Flanders on the ski slopes from the waist down.

Chris Sale – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.10. You could’ve had him in any league.

Tyler Phillips – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 3.02. I have him in one NL-Only league, so I thought I was pretty familiar with him, but I just opened his stats page and made a face like I just smelled rotten cottage cheese.

Wyatt Langford – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. [takes out shocked crayon, colors a picture of myself]

Joc Pederson – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer. Not to be a hater my whole life, but Pederson has been more valuable than Wyatt Langford this year, and it’s not super close.

Kumar Rocker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.83. Went to search his stats, and briefly clicked on John Rocker, former Survivor contestant, and thought, “Him and Kumar prolly aren’t related.” Any hoo! Kumar’s stats are wildly meh. Wonder what happened to the guy who had supposedly huge upside. Can he request a trade to the Brewers?

Dylan Cease – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 4 hits, 5 BBs, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.02. Think three hits is the points where if a pitcher has more walks than hits, daddy becomes scared like watching the movie, Obsession. What was that? I saw it three days ago and I’m still scared. Hold me, daddy!

Shane Bieber – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 5.00. This was not a good start. Four walks in five-plus innings is concerning for a guy with a career BB/9 under two.

Nathan Lukes – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. On the Sunday recap, I try to cut out superfluous stuff (lol, yeah, like this), because there’s so much to recap, so I skip some hitters who are whatever, like Lukes. He only has four homers, so who cares about him? Then I realized, that’s how many homers Vlad Jr. has, and I plotzed. Dead. Bye-bye, cruel world.

Jesus Sanchez – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain. Uh-oh, he better hope he’s not Wally Pipp’d by Yohendrick Pinango, then people will say decades from now, “He better hope he’s not Yohendrick Pinango’d.” Also, called up was Sean Keys, the number one guy in baseball who sounds like he owns a car dealership. Sean Keys of Keys Auto on Van Nuys Blvd.? Keys, Keys, Keys on Van Nuys? I went over Keys, Keys, Keys on Van Nuys in Friday’s Buy column. Keys is a corner man though, so I have no idea why he was called up.

Hunter Goodman – 0-for-4, hitting .242, but at one point this weekend he had four homers in six at-bats. Goodman was the Cal Raleigh we made along the way.

Connor Prielipp – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.96. As the Streamonator will tell you, vs. the Suckies on the road is an auto-start.

Kody Clemens – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Can you bet on a prediction market Clemens is going to be traded before the trade deadline? I’d like some of that action.

Ryan Kreidler – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and he appeared in Friday’s Buy column, so that’s why he sounds familiar and it’s not because you have CTE.

Chase Burns – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.36. Said last time he was due for regression and I gotta say I didn’t get a Pulitzer sent to my house for that, so guessing everyone could’ve told you a sub-2 ERA pitcher would be hit a little bit at some point. Unless Pulitzer got my address wrong. How embarrassing would that be? I won a Pulitzer, but didn’t know it because it was lost in the mail. Actually, that sounds likely.

Chase Petty – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.72, as he got the save on Saturday. Caleb Ferguson got the save on Friday. And tomorrow, Sam Moll! No, prolly not Sam Moll, but there’s no closer in Cincy until Emilio Pagan returns. It is not Pierce Johnson, I’ll tell ya that much. He’s a kick in the pants.

Jared Jones – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.76. So, what you’re saying is Jared Jones is not good this year? Interesting, noted.

Ryan O’Hearn – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer, hitting .286. Shockingly low on the Player Rater for 1st basemen. Around top 20; thought he would’ve been way higher; he was below TJ Rumfield when I looked.

Esmerlyn Valdez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his 3rd homer in three games. The hottest schmotato in the land? The title is his, for now.

Manny Machado – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .188. I’m flabbergasted his average is still that low. I’m gasted of flabber.

Michael King – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.55. The nice thing is he’s not pitching deceptively well and getting hit. He’s pitching pretty poorly and being hit. Okay, “nice” is subjective there.

Emmet Sheehan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.08. Yeah, do it for another month straight and I’ll be interested.

Junior Caminero – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .292. Juco Loco has six homers in four games; seven homers in the last week and nine homers in June. Too bad he doesn’t have any speed because, prior to yesterday (and maybe still), Juco was behind Miguel Vargas for fantasy value.

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Cedric the HRtainer with the hot schmotato alert!

Yandy Diaz – Left the game with a shoulder strain, i.e., Yandy not dandy.

Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Ya know what I’m thinking. Same thing I’m always thinking with Rasmussen. How he has a sub-3 ERA in over 550 career innings. Top five most underrated starter.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in four games. Ahhh, getting drunk on Ketel’s power.

David Peterson – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.86 in his first start on the Cubs. Ya know how people recount the worst trades of all time and they’re like, “Nolan Ryan was traded away by the Mets and went on to have one of the greatest career of all-time. Boy, that was dumb by the Mets.” Ya know what I never hear? What if the Mets never traded away Nolan Ryan? Then he might not have been good.

Brandon Woodruff – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.59. Gathering 50 strangers together and putting them in a formation for a prayer quadrilateral to preemptively pray Woodruff stays healthy.

Davis Martin – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.00 vs. Michael Wacha – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.31. This matchup was billed as, “Davis Martin-Michael Wacha is how many guys? One? Two? Three? Four?”

Miguel Vargas – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .252. See Juco Loco’s blurb for more. Look at you with some homework to do! You have the laborious task of moving your eyes.

Chase DeLauter – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the IL, hitting out of the three-hole. Hey, it’s Mr. March. Hey, Mr. March, say hello to your mother for me.

Slade Cecconi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Cecconi is Italian for Streamonator. Or maybe it’s salami. It’s one of those.

Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Not sure why his walks ballooned last year, but they’re back in line with career norms, and he’s pitching better than it seems. Buy!

Logan Gilbert – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.42. Him and Emerson Hancock (5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.47) piggybacked this weekend much like me and you piggybacked. In that, we did not piggyback. Mariners are dumb, I’m done talking about their piggybacking shituation that was 100% done for one reason: Luis Castillo complained about being removed after four innings, so they were like, “Yeah, man, everyone in the rotation is doing the same as you. It’s called piggybacking. It’s awesome. Y’all good with it too, right?” Dan Wilson looked at all the other starters and they all nodded, unsure what they were nodding about, and Luis Castillo was like, “Okay, cool.”