Jersey Mall Rats Excited About Spencer’s Gifts

Jasson Dominguez went after a Nimmo liner (not an ocean liner, but a ball), and he ran hard into the wall. He fell, but eventually he was sitting up, talking, and he didn’t seem to be doing a Rod Tidwell. He was carted off the field, and, later, diagnosed with an AC sprain, hitting the IL. Good time to get your AC checked, before the hot summer months. Too bad the Yankees don’t have anyone to call up. If only the Yankees had The Fly teleporter in their clubhouse, and former Yankees Jim Spencer and Rupert Jones could walk into it and morph into–Holy crap! Spencer Jones is being called up! This can’t be real! The Yankees do have teleporter in their clubhouse? Next to the humidor? In the top 75 fantasy baseball prospects, Itch said, “At 6’7” 240 pounds from the left side, Jones is a fantasy darling for his combination of power and speed. The 25th overall pick in the 2022 draft, he came just one steal shy of a 30/30 season in 116 games across two levels in 2025, slashing .274/.362/.571 with 35 home runs, 29 stolen bases and a 35.4 percent strikeout rate. That last piece might not matter much given how much impact Jones makes on contact, but it creates enough doubt to keep me skeptical, despite what his ranking here suggests. The upside is just too enticing to ignore. Hopefully, Grey ignores me in this tree outside his window. Target practice starts at midnight.” What? Jones’s stats are insane. He’s a throwback to a Bowden fluffer. This year he’s gone 11/7 in 120 Triple-A ABs. That’s nuts. What’s nuttier is his 32.4 K%. He’s 25 with a 30+ K% in the minors? Ha, go to the KBO and hit 70 homers, Joey Gallo. I’d grab Jones in every league, but I imagine he will hit .180. Or, I guess, you can wait for the Yankees to call up Goose Cerone. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ezequiel Duran – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and no legs (1st caught stealing). Ezequiel won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s been hitting well in platoon duty. AL-Only “well” not mixed league “well.”

MacKenzie Gore – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.18. So glad I avoided this guy, even though the narrative of going to a pitchers’ park was screaming in my ear all preseason. Instead, I signed myself up for Framber Valdez and Zac Gallen and their combined garbage!

Eugenio Suarez – Has been swinging at 60-70 percent. Nice, he can return and hit 260-foot pop-ups.

Rhett Lowder – Left his start with shoulder discomfort. Michael McGreevy is the only healthy starter. This is a McGreevy’s world, this is a McGreevy’s world, but it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman or the Ghost of Dave Duncan.

Sal Stewart – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .245. Was thinking the Reds had been cold, then I looked at the NL Central standings, and, wow, the Reds are in last place with a winning record. NL Central: The new AL East. The NL East: The new  NL Central. The NL West: The same NL West.

Matthew Boyd – Hopes to only miss a month. Oh…[counts to a million]…kay.

Shota Imanaga – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.28. Looked at his stats to see if I can endorse his 2.28 ERA, and I can’t, but he’s not bad. He might be the most 3.20 ERA pitcher a pitcher has ever been.

Michael Conforto – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in four games. I’d say schmotato, but I can’t imagine anyone willingly picking up Conforto.

Blake Dunn – 2-for-4 and his 1st career homer. Saw his name in the box score as B. Dunn, and I thought, “Ooh, yeah, it’s Brooks & Dunn and that song I can’t think of!” If I were the Reds, I’d be done with Friedl and, uh, undone with Dunn, but I doubt they are. Dunn was in there because they were facing a lefty. Dunn might only be a Quad-A player anyway. Though, Friedl’s a Quad-A player plus one. A Pent-A player.

Christian Scott – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.27. He said he don’t believe in God, but his starter’s name is Christian…Happy Weeknd! I don’t start borderline starters in Coors, and I don’t hold their starts in Coors against them. So, carry on with Scott how you saw him before this.

Jake McCarthy – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer, a grand slam, and 2nd homer in two games, and not sure how much to trust it because it was off Craig Kimbrel in Coors, but seems to be a hot schmotato.

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.70. Liked Gallen coming into the year, and I have not seen one single thing that backs up my affection for him. He has a 5.9 K/9. That would be the 4th worst since 2021 over the course of a season. A who’s who of Hideous Stuff. He’s throwing his slider 25% of the time and the batting average against it is .325. Just hilariously awful.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. ‘Member when he broke his hamate bone the same day as Jackson Holliday? Whatever happened there? Is Holliday trapped under a stack of phonebooks?

Brandon Lowe – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, hitting .268. I’d say Sell, but I can’t believe you could get anything for him. Feels like the kind of guy who is more valuable to just ride out until his invariable Lowe body injury.

Joey Bart – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! Bart plays so infrequently because he takes the BART to the game, and it’s inconvenient going to Pittsburgh via San Fran.

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.87. I’m Munch’s Scream seeing Keller with a 2.87 ERA and I have Framber doing an absolute number on my ratios.

Andrew Painter – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.89. Hey, I’m just gonna leave this Shasta on the bar of this al-Qaeda run bar, mind if you watch it for me while I hit the head…[five hours later]…Why is that guy looking in my chest cavity with a flashlight? AHHHH!!! Roofie!

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .216. The 5th year of the Schwarber deal is gonna look nasty. And nasty is in good nasty like that drunk person you met at the bar, but bad nasty like the seventh month of dating that drunk person from the bar.

Brent Rooker – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Please, get smoldering hot. Please.

Shea Langeliers – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Thank you, Mr. Bangeliers, may I have another? Also, in this game, Jacob Wilson (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer. Not sure why he’s not hitting for an over .300 average. Pretty low for him. At .291! Gotcha! Finally, Zack Gelof (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer, and he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because dur, he’s hot.

J.T. Ginn – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Hey, Phils, when Ginn’s got a handle on you, it’s time to get a handle on gin.

Alec Burleson – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .270. Burleson’s been better than Vinnie Pasquantino. That’s anti-Italian discrimination.

Matthew Liberatore – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.07. In the shadow of McGreevy, the Liberatore grows and strengthens. One day, it thinks, I will be a McGreevy too.

Michael King – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.76. One of the biggest Sells. I would be Michael Sofa King selling him.

Cade Povich – Left the game with forearm discomfort. If you wait by your phone, you might be receiving a call to pitch for an MLB team.

Graham Pauley – Optioned to the minors. Who’s going to host The Graham Pauley Show now?

Liam Hicks – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Could be the craziest year for any player for what is expected of them vs. what they’re doing. Liam Hicks came into this season a nine-homer hitter. Over the course of 162 games!

Max Meyer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Watched a lot of this start, and Meyer might have had more deep counts that didn’t lead to walks that I’ve ever seen. Any hoo! He’s clearly rosterable, but not a sub-3 ERA pitcher.

Ryan Jeffers – 3-for-4, 3 runs, and his 5th homer, hitting .302. Jeffers is right there with the best at the position on the Player Rater. Nearing the top five at catcher, and that’s a No Slouch Zone.

Keibert Ruiz – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .214. He’s still a slouch. “!&(@^%@&^U” That’s Keibert hearing my slander.

Jake Irvin – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.22. Two steps forward, where he’s almost worthwhile on the Streamonator, to two steps back to waivers.

Slade Cecconi – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.15. Oh, wow, he’s been dogshizz huh? Well, the good news is his underlying numbers are saying he’s not lying. He’s truthfully been terrible.

Seth Lugo – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.21. When he’s good, he’s good, but he’s never good enough to ease my clicky finger wanting to drop him when he’s bad.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 4-for-4, and his 4th homer, hitting .298. Okay, starting to feel the Joys of owning Witt. Can call it Joys de Witt, and I love his Ropers.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .194. C’mon, Pasketti, start hitting for a better average before I need an espresso prior to looking at your stats.

Cole Ragans – Royals’ manager Matt Quatraro said Ragans could make his next start. Um, okay. So, to interpret, they’ll say he’s going to start on Tuesday, you will set your lineup on Monday, and, on Tuesday, Ragans will be bumped.

Griffin Jax – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.00. Rays are stretching Jax out to be a starter. How ironic! Don’t cha think? It’s like 10,000 middle relievers and all you need is one starter. You pull guys after 69 pitches and now you want guys to throw more? Ha, I bet!

Jake Bennett – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.35. I saw J. Bennett in the box score and I got misty-eyed for early Wilco. That’s the whitest thing I’ve ever said. Bennett has 6 K/9-type ability, so I doubt Streamonator would ever like him, and I won’t either.

Junior Caminero – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Vroom, vroom, baby got a new car!

Roman Anthony – Hit the 49 with a wrist sprain. No one wants to come forward and single themselves out as being one of those who was rotating their index finger by their head, indicating they thought I was crazy, when I said Roman Anthony was a schmohawk in the preseason. Even now, I see lots of revisionist history with people being like, “Oh, I didn’t love Anthony, he seemed ‘fine.'” Y’all lying to yourselves. I even had one person say to me in-person they liked the preseason content but thought my Roman Anthony schmohawk was misguided. The gall! The nerve! The nerve that is acting up in Pete Fairbanks’s arm! Anthony wasn’t even a hard call for overrated. He has projections of a 3rd to 4th outfielder and he was being drafted as a 1st. BDon and I discussed this recently on the pod and we 100% are convinced people liked Roman because he’s classically handsome. Not even joking. If homeboy had crossed eyes and a missing tooth, you would’ve been out.