The Lance Slide Brings Sawx Down

Lance McCullers Jr. (7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks) was once in a rotation with Scott Kazmir. Actually, that Astros team with Kazmir had Altuve and Correa too. Don’t forget Marisnick. He was there too. How could you forget *nick? Now, in 2026, leading the AL Cy Young conversation is Lance McCullers. Sure, no one has pitched more than six innings, but I don’t come to your parade venue and rain. McCullers didn’t pitch in 2023 or 2024 (though neither did Kazmir). Returned to fantastically awful results last year. Couldn’t find the plate (6.3 BB/9), and, after all the abuse his arm had, if he called it quits last year, no one would stand outside his bedroom window screaming, “Quitter!” Cheater? Maybe. But not quitter. Actually, I don’t even know where he lives. Yesterday, looked different until the 7th. Everything was working for the first time I had seen it work in five years for him. You never know when comeback stories start, and yesterday might’ve started McCullers’. That’s all of them. Ya know, McCullers Cullers Cullers Cullers Cullers. [after a long nap] Cullers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Bryan Abreu – Astros said he’s sucking because of a mechanical issue, and he should be fine going forward. Color me convinced when he gets a clean save and not Bryan King.

Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer (and should have three, but who’s counting besides me). Captain Woo Cubano looks so locked in early I’m thinking I’m going to regret not having him in any leagues.

Brice Matthews – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He’s one of them llamas.

Jose Altuve – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Not sure if you heard, but with the ABS, MLB had to accurately measure players’ height so they could have a strike zone for each player. Turns out Altuve’s real height? 6′ 4″. Or maybe that was 64 inches.

Ranger Suarez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Ya know how praisey I was for McCullers? Welp, Suarez didn’t look good. Too highly ranked to abandon in one start, but I’m concerned, so you don’t have to be. Actually, you can be concerned too, me no care-o.

Cody Ponce – Was carted off the field after taking a fall trying to field a grounder. A few pitches before that, he tumbled on the mound. Hopefully, he’s not badly hurt, wasn’t drunk and can correct his equilibrium, because he looked excellent prior.

George Springer – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Springer, Bringer of Bang. That’s bang, not bam, Emeril’s attorneys.

Andres Gimenez – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. And-Gim ain’t just The Office party plus one.

Kazuma Okamoto – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. People were worried Okamoto wouldn’t have power for the States. I wish people thought that about a few of my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd round picks to reverse jinx them.

Troy Johnston – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. MLB tweeted something like the Rockies were pouring it on, and I chuckled, then thought about how nice it would be if Edouard Julien (0-for-2) did something. [pokes him with a stick] Ticker tease!

Didier Fuentes – Sent down to stretch him out. Only a few hundred years ago, they would’ve just put him on a rack.

Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. So, yes, stream everyone against the road K’s, until further notice.

Mauricio Dubon – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs. Razzbot recommendation paying immediate dividends. Thank you, machine learning.

Pavin Smith – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Much like Fleetwood Mac first did Black Magic Woman, Pavin the way for Carlos Santana.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Hey, real question, what happened to Jackson Holliday? All the other hamate injuries returned, but Holliday’s on, well, ya know.

Michael Soroka – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, 1 walk, 10 Ks, and an immaculate inning, if your league counts that, you win your league. Drafted Soroka in a couple late leagues because he gained a mile on his fastball in spring training, and looks like he maintained it, though the slurve seems to be his get-out pitch (45% Whiff). Again, as I said with Hancock yesterday, you have to be fast just in case the early results stick, and I would try Soroka to see if he can regain that magic of 2019 (2.68 ERA in 174 2/3 IP) with additional Ks, and minus the Shroud. Some people seemed to push back on picking up Hancock yesterday (even though he was the top FAAB guy in all my leagues on Sunday), and all I’ll say is if it’s not real, you can drop these guys after a bad start. Just because you pick them up it doesn’t mean you need to hold forever.

Justin Verlander – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Can you imagine putting yourself through this indignity rather than just retiring and staying home with Kate Upton?

Ryan Weathers – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Hit 98 a few times, and the stuff that has some people crazy looked good. He still needs to find that elusive “just pitch to contact a few times a game so you can make it to the 6th,” but the stuff plays.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Still worried about his Spring Training? No? Okay.

Roki Sasaki – 4 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Good news is he wasn’t awful. Bad news is he was pretty easily out-pitched by Parker Messick.

Parker Messick – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks. Sonavabench! Of course, I wasn’t starting him in UniqLove Stadium or whatever it’s called now in LA. MooMooLemon? I think it’s stretch pants. Is it StretchPants Stadium? This was an encouraging start, and now I’m ready to start him next time out and get killed. No, he’ll be fine, I say trying to convince myself.

Deyvison De Los Santos – Sent back to the minors. Every team that has had DDLS hates him. Maybe because his initials sound like a dentist.

Chris Paddack – 4 IP, 8 ER. Midseason form!

Liam Hicks – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. [gritting teeth, seeing Agustin Ramirez do nothing]

Austin Hays – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Guarantee he has more fantasy value this year than you expect. Okay, yes, technically it’s because you expect none.

Miguel Vargas – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 1st homer. Miguel Vargrandslamagas!

Luisangel Acuña – 0-for-2, 2 runs and 2 steals (1, 2). You steal two bags while getting no hits and you’re perking the ol’ ears.

Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. This is a new year. He’s a home run hitter now. Stop playing your Tom Jones. This is not unusual.

Tyler Alexander – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save. Would you believe Robert Garcia has been used a decent amount, not used as a closer and I still think he’s the closer?

Jack Leiter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. He was a preseason sleeper. I am not surprised by this.

Chase Burns – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 7 Ks, 78 pitches. He was a preseason sleeper. I am not surprised by this.

Noelvi Marte – Sitting vs. righties. He was a preseason sleeper. I am surprised by this. I don’t know why he’s sitting so much. He played for them last year. They know who he is. He’s their freakin’ future! So frustrating. No notes. Only sighs. I’ve officially benched Marte in weekly leagues, and next step is making hard drop decisions.

Braxton Ashcraft – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks. There’s officially too many Ashcrafts in MLB. One’s fine, two’s a chore. There was two Ashcrafts in this Pirates/Reds game alone. One too many. Figure it out between you two. So. Dot dot dot. This Ashcraft throws 97 and was terrific in the spring, after being filthy in the majors last year, after being filthier in the minors in 2024. We’re waiting for him to be filthiest, but he could get there. Yesterday, he had zero command, but still overpowered guys, and usually he does have command. It’s not the days of Ray Searage, but it’s also not the days of pitching to contact in Pittsburgh. Ashcraft looks like a legit arm, don’t mind him in any league as a flyer, at worst.

Ian Happ – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Remember, he should have four homers. DeLauter Happ Enns, Dietrich!

Edward Cabrera – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 5 Ks. He was also a preseason sleeper. This is the fantasy baseball equivalent of dogs marking their territory. I’m sorry, I’m not saying I’m peeing on everyone. I am not Moises Alou.

Yoan Moncada – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Was just thinking today while on podcast with BDon about how 75% of the Angels’ roster could be playing in the KBO. They had some guy pitch, Ryan Johnson (3 1/3 IP, 6 ER). Cool, the Star Wars guy.

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-5. Playing through an Achilles issue. Vientos could be a future ill add. Epic.

Nolan Gorman – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Since he homered on Sunday, I moved him into my lineup on Monday at the last minute. [turns to mirror] Show them how it’s done!

Kyle Leahy – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. I was watching McCullers, White Sox/Marlins, EdCab and Reds. I was not watching Leahy, but the line tells me [holds nose] stinky.

Clay Holmes – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. If only someone told you to draft him as a safe number five. Wait a second! I did!

Kris Bubic – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. It’s pronounced Boob-Itch. Don’t get it twisted. It being your bra strap.

Kyle Isbel – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2). Sonavabench! Don’t even ask.

Isaac Collins – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Hey, that’s my Jackson Chourio replacement because I’m playing fantasy baseball and 3D chess!

Simeon Woods Richardson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. This guy’s name is too long. Shizz is exhausting. Why would anyone do that? He writes that out all the time? I’m annoyed. Any hoo! Streamonator doesn’t like his next one, but likes it better than yesterday’s, for what it’s Wuertz.

Matt Wallner – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. From the window to the Wallner…

Luis Matos – Giants traded him to the Brewers. He’s about to become an ace.

Kyle Harrison – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. After giving up a leadoff bomb, he settled down nicely and I wonder why Sproat couldn’t do that. Yes, this is about me! The comments are about you!

William Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Said it kinda yesterday, but it’s still gnawing the craw so: It’s goofy the Brewers brought up their top catching prospect to sit on the bench.

Yandy Diaz – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. He really muscled that one out. Emoji that coyly winks.

Jonny DeLuca – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Between Mc’s and De’s of this early season, I’m waiting to hear MLB has a sponsorship deal with Mickey D’s.

Kevin Kelly – 1/3 IP, and his 1st save for the Rays. You know Kevin Kelly. Yeah, Kevin Kelly! Griffin Jax worked the 7th, Cleavinger the 8th, Ian Seymour opened the 9th and Kevin Kelly got the save. You know, as everyone figured.

Landen Roupp – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Likely more of a monocle, but it was odd to me how little people cared about him in the preseason (myself included) when Roupp has a 3.73 career ERA in 157 IP. I mean, it’s not nothing, and, even in deep leagues, no one cared (still me).

Willy Adames – 1-for-4 as he hit leadoff. Ha, okay, Tonnato Vitello. Worst news for the guy who you were hoping to get 90 RBIs from is the Giants won, so Tonnato prolly thinks Adames hitting leadoff makes sense.

Walker Buehler – 4 IP, 3 ER. Walker Buehler, still broken.

Jackson Merrill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, a blast off Ryan Walker, who nearly blew the save. Recap! Jackson jacks off Walker but avoids the blow–Actually, forget the recap.

Taijuan Walker – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. More like the Nats tied-one-on Walker! Nailed it! No? Okay.

Foster Griffin – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks. First time he’s pitched in a MLB game since 2022. He was giant beer can in Australia for the last few years. He didn’t look as good as the line, and Streamonator hates his next start (rightfully).

Joey Wiemer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, as he hit 9th. Before making an out, he started the season 10-for-10, tying Carlos Delgado (2002) for the all-time record to start a season. Joey Wiemer is the best player in baseball. I did not see that coming, but there’s nothing that could ever stop the Wiemer Republic.