Yesterday, Phillip Ervin went 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd home run and 2nd in as many games. This blew my mind: there was no mention of Phillip Ervin on this site since 2014, when then-prospector Scott Evans said, “We’ll have a much better feel for (Ervin) after he’s had a chance to settle in at a full-season assignment, but on the surface, Ervin looks like a potential 20/20 outfielder who’ll also help in AVG and OBP. I hope Grey reads this in three years…IN HELL!” Damn, some animosity there. Now, the real puzzler maker, as they say in the Haus of Rubik, Prospector Ralph hasn’t spoken about Ervin once. So, I took it up with Endorphin Ralph on text, and he said, “He’s a 25-year-old, slugging fourth outfielder that’s Quad-A. RUSNEY IS BETTER!!!” So, Ervin’s a former 1st rounder, who might not be anything, due to weak contact he makes too often. In Triple-A, he did have 7 HRs and 23 SBs with a .256 average. He might just be a schmotato, that cools off and vanishes, but a speed/power combo plays in fantasy if he plays, which he is. Better than Rusney Castillo? WE SHALL SEE. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jon Lester – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.37. After he was pulled from the game, he was diagnosed with lat tightness. Insert eye roll. Funny how no one ever complains of an injury after they pitch brilliantly or before they pitch terribly. Nope. Always after they pitch lousy. Sure, maybe they didn’t pitch brilliantly because of the injury or didn’t get injured until pitching terribly, but who’s side are you on? You Commie? Antifa? An tifa com mie? HMM!? I wanna interrogate you so bad. You will rattle!
Ian Happ – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and two homers (16, 17). This is good for a chuckle. In 550 at-bats prorated out, Happ would have 37 HRs and 16 SBs. He doesn’t even start for the Cubs! I wonder if Joe Maddon even knows Happ is a switch-hitter. I mean, platooning him is cool and all (it’s not cool). Would I platoon him (no, obviously not)? Whose at-bats would you give to Happ (Zobrist)? I can’t imagine one player on the Cubs who he could replace (Zobrist). Not one single guy (seriously Zobrist). Not even if I try to find a rhyme with Wobrist can I think of a guy (I give up).
Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-5 and his 20th homer, hitting .204, but hitting near .217 in the last week. Kidding, he’s been better. Near .300 in the last week and another home run. If the ball is flying out of Wrigley, brucely, I’d take anyone.
Alex Avila – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Well, thankfully, he’s been better than Matt Wieters, but not quite as good as Keith Law’s thoughts on Matt Wieters.
Javier Baez – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Okay, everyone homered on the Cubs. *makes farting noise with armpit* Wrigley in August is a wondrous place for hitters.
Trevor Rosenthal – Hit the DL with elbow irritation and it’s the same side of the elbow as the Tommy John bone. Uh, Oh. Literally. That’s who the Cards will turn to to (stutterer!) replace Rosenthal. To be continued…
Seung Hwan Oh – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.74. Uh, Oh. Again, literally! Oh might be a Cuddle Boy, huh? I grabbed Seung Hwan in one league where I needed some SAGNOF, but have no faith in him. I could see also grabbing Tyler Lyons.
Jedd Gyorko – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .273. His 30-homer 2016 looks like the aberration as of now, but I guess there’s still time for Gyorko to pull himself up by his, um, well, yeah.
Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 15th homer, hitting .312. It had been a while, I’ve been Phamished.
Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.64, and the rain delay prolly came at the best time so he didn’t go back out for another inning. I like Taillon — you show cancer that Danza ain’t the only boss! — but he’s been underperforming for the last two months, and you can likely do better on waivers.
Josh Harrison – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. People stand up for some interesting causes. I don’t mean the People’s Liberation Army of Things Found Between Seat Cushions. I mean, say something bad about Josh Harrison and I bet someone comes to his defense.
Nick Williams – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .291. He’s doing more than respectable, so I’m not really sure why this is, but he’s not exciting me. What am I missing?
Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.26. Against the Giants. Against the Giants?! You go into Coors and do well, but the Giants?!
Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.79. This guy has never met a game he couldn’t keep close.
Jose Reyes – Hit the DL with an oblique strain. For those Apple geeks out there, an oblique strain is sometimes referred to as OS X: Injured Poodle.
Steven Matz – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.08. Someone asked the other day if they should start Matz. I’ll simplify, you should not own.
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer, and his 4th homer this week. There’s a strong case for him to be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s not. He’s here now, don’t make Greylord double up his recommendations.
Tyler Austin – Recalled from Triple-A Scranton/Wilkes-Barre. Going from Scranton/Wilkes-Barre to the Bronx is like training your soldiers by sending them to the Middle Eastern restaurant in Epcot.
Aroldis Chapman – Threw a pen session as he supposedly works through a hamstring injury. He’s really committed to this, huh? As if the injury was really an issue and not that he was just sucking. He’s like Simple Jack, but Aroldis is going “full rehab.” Oh, and Dellin Betances (1 IP, 0 ER) got his 8th save yesterday, but I’d own David Robertson too.
Luis Severino – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.18. After his last start where his owners wanted to Sever-ino him, it was good to see him bounce back. It was a fairly easy matchup (sorry, Mets!), and his next will be a bit more of a challenge, but not even that difficult (sorry, Tigers!).
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .277. I Googled “Gary Sanchez nickname” and it came back with The Kraken, which was bestowed on him by Brian Cashman. Sorry, GMs can’t nickname their players. That would be like your boss at Chick-Fil-A nicknaming you, Pimplestiltskin, and everyone thinking it’s cool to call you that. It’s not. Any hoo! I’m tempted to go with G. Love and the Special Sanchez.
Yoan Moncada – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .195. Some come up like Bellinger and some Moncada. Doesn’t mean Moncada’s not going to be terrific, very small sample size — that’s what she spitefully said!
Jose Abreu – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. He has plenty of time to get to 30+ homers, but he sure doesn’t feel like the type that is going to turn it on. He’s the 27-homer, 100-RBI, .285-average guy and don’t expect more or less.
Reynaldo Lopez – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.97, and left with side tightness. I’m going to leave this Sprite right here on the counter in this North Korean bar and go to the bathroom, I’m sure my drink will be fine. *three hours later* Hey, is your Supreme Leader eating my…kidney?! AHH!!! ROOFIE!!!
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Brett Nicholas – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Is it me or do the Rangers have more guys that do nothing but homer than any other team?
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-3, 3 runs and a double slam (9, 10) and double legs (16, 17), hitting .300. Double slam and legs is also known as the Speedy Lumberjack Hungry Man.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5 and his 22nd homer, hitting .321. Every player should get one season in Coors. Can’t be in an arbitration or contract year. Just one year to see what they can do there. “Freeman’s never been a 50-homer guy before with a .350 average, but, thank you, Coors!” That’s me owning Freeman in a fantasy league in my fantasy scenario.
Nolan Arenado – Left yesterday’s game after re-injuring his hand. For now, he says it’s a bruise on top of a bruise. Please, join me in a prayer octagon with only good thoughts.
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, a ninth-inning, it-don’t-matter-just-don’t-bite-it, garbage-time, I’ll-take-it-if-you-don’t-mind, Chazz Noir blizzast!
Stephen Strasburg – Will return on Saturday to face the Padres. There’s someone that knows timing! Unless he’s on your bench in weekly leagues, then his impeccable timing is prolly annoying.
Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Wish this game was anywhere but Petco, because then it would be clearcut how well he was doing. Now it’s easy to write it off as a matchup, and the Stream-o-Nator hates his next one, so it’s hard for me to fully trust him.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-7, 2 runs, and a slam (7) and legs (21) on both sides of the doubleheader for the Ernie Banks Special, and hitting near-.330 in the 2nd half. He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but there’s no reason to wait, unless…*pushes hair back, bats eyelashes* …you really want to. You can be grossed out if you want, but I just sexed your eyeballs with my words.
Robbie Grossman – Fractured his thumb in a collision with Buxton. Grossman will miss the rest of the season, and is in no mood to do his Fonzie impersonation.
Matt Belisle – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, and the save. Seems like Paul Molitor has more faith in Belisle than I do, maybe Molitor knows something I don’t. I mean, besides knowing how to work a 39-game hitting streak into every conversation.
Jose Ramirez – Removed after being hit by a pitch on his forearm, but no fear, bock beer, x-rays came back negative.
Jason Kipnis – 3-for-9, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. I feel bad for the schmohawk next year who is going to show up at his fantasy draft with no prep and be like, “200 overall for Kipnis?! I’ll take that!”
Mike Clevinger – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER in middle relief on three days rest. Oh, boy, Tito Francona was trying something. You guessing what he was trying, “Blow out Clevinger’s arm?” Yeah, might be.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-3, 3 runs, and his 19th and 20th homers. “Wow, I thought Kipnis was a bargain, but Donaldson’s price is so cheap too! This is the best draft I’m unprepared for ever!”
Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer, hitting .296. Honestly, I’m super interested in seeing where January Grey ranks him next year. Think he’s one of those guys that could be anywhere from top 50 to barely top 100.
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.84. After I saw this, I was thinking he is the king of this type of start. This being: barely a Quality Start, great Ks. So, I did some research. He has the fifth most Quality Starts, and, from that list, he has the worst ERA (barely; Yu has a 3.83 ERA), but Archer easily has best Ks. In conclusion, yes, he is the king of the terrible Quality Start as far as runs are concerned, but great for Ks.
Patrick Corbin – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.25. Whoa, not sure where that came from. I mean, I like Corbin in the big picture. Have discussed him in the past as a guy who will be on the short list of sleepers for next year, but, damn, that start was in Houston. Even Stream-o-Nator was like, nah, ya crazy. Corbin’s peripherals are saying all the right things — 8.8 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 3.79 xFIP — and I’d look at grabbing him.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer. Wham, bam, thank you, Lamb!
Yasmany Tomas – Had another setback with his groin. He’s had more problems with his groin than a rapper’s non-bitch related problems. Yasmany has 99 problems and they are all with his groin!
