Zack Blew Up The San Diego Chicken, Man, In Philly Last Night

Another day, another insane Phillies’ starter goes HAM, not as in Taylor or cured honey, but as in HARD AS A MOTHERFUDGER. Only he didn’t say fudger, he said the mother of all curses, and he thought, “If it’s Hard As A, wouldn’t it be HAAM? Then it’s basically HAIM and it’s the best singing sisters since the Andrews girls.” By the way, no one’s called The Andrews Sisters ‘the Andrews girls’ since 1933. So, Zack Wheeler is a Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy, as he went 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.27. Marla Gibbs would be proud. Wheeler’s sitting at 11.4 K/9, 2.1 BB/9, 2.59 xFIP and, at 35 years of age, he’s having his best year, and, for a guy who’s basically been lights-out since 2020, that’s saying something. The ace the Phillies fans were promised in Nola became Wheeler, and no one ever talks about how the Mets just let him go to their most hated division rival. He’s a reminder of when the Mets were a laughingstock. Oh, if you can find another fantasy baseball post that mentions the Andrews Sisters and Marla Gibbs in the same post, I’ll come to your house and wash your car. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Bryce Harper – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “When I told Crystal in HR, I hate rug munchers, I was talking about carpet beetles, but I apologize however it was taken.”

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting .282. The Greek God of Hard Contact has very little that pops off the page, but he’s doing a little bit of everything, besides steals, and managed to put himself in the convo for a top 30 outfielder year on the Player Rater. That’s the area of outfielders where you don’t love rostering them all the time, but you also seem like an ingrate if you want to drop them. The “Don’t you know kids are starving in other countries, so eat your vegetables” area of outfielders.

Yu Darvish – Felt great after a 31-pitch bullpen session. Cool, now he needs to throw a simulated game, then a rehab game or three and how’s mid-August sound for his first game back where he throws 4 IP, 3 ER? Sorry, I bought this Magic Eight Ball and may as well use it.

Chase Burns – 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 13.50. More like Chased early, it Burns. Allow a nerd-out sesh for a minute:

Looks like Burns’ glove wasn’t squeezed for fastballs and was being squeezed for sliders. Not sure if that’s something the Sox were looking at or not.

(Update: also the left elbows) pic.twitter.com/MkupEzCPGC

— Justin (@JustinMLB) June 30, 2025

I don’t know if Chase was tipping his pitches and I don’t know if this tweet is really what the hitters were seeing, but I think when people say a hitter was “tipping pitches,” the first thing that comes to mind is the hitters had a huge advantage and it’s this cheat code. And maybe it is! But can we talk about how insane it is that hitters pick up on this? This is unreal! “Oh, yeah, he was tipping, so it was easy for me, because he was squeezing his glove a bit tighter on sliders, or he was lifting his leg two inches higher on a fastball, and then I was sitting dead-red, pun noted and not avoidable, on a 98 MPH fastball or a 93 MPH slider.” You still have to hit a 93 MPH slider! Or insane fastball! This is so crazy. A guy is tipping his pitches and the batter has time to notice a leg kick slightly higher and prepare for the pitch in a split second. Or he’s just a rookie pitcher and he got beat. Either way, hardest thing in all of sports is hitting a baseball. (Awful segue alert!) But speaking of another sport, if you want to play fantasy football, our RazzBowl signups are under way.

Austin Hays – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. He did this to remind everyone he’s off the IL or to mark another trip to the IL. That’s the only two scenarios with him.

Garrett Crochet – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.26. Who told him to pitch to the score?

Trevor Story – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .237. Was watching the Red Sox game (mostly because of Burns, but alas) and they mentioned Story had 23 RBIs in June. Ribbies are fluky, especially if you’re a pescatarian, but 23 RBIs in one month is a lot!

Jarren Duran – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .253. On this week’s pod, BDon and I talk about Duran at length, and about his June struggles, and we managed to ignite him, appizzarently.

Wilyer Abreu – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, 2nd and 3rd homer in three games. His first homer was off La Sorsa, who used to manage the Dosgers.

Jordan Hicks – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.34, as he was activated from the IL. No presh, all you have to do is fill-in for Rafael Devers.

Erick Fedde – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.56. Fedde whopped!

Andrew Heaney – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.16. Nearly started him but the one thing that stopped me was never in a million years could I ever trust him.

Spencer Horwitz – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .258. Only two homers, but this is in only 36 games.

Jeremy Pena – Hit the IL with a fractured rib. Astros said it was a really small fracture, “Like the size of Jose Altuve.” They said he might return right when 10 days are up.

Ryne Nelson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.61. Numbers look almost identical to his previous season when he had a 4.24 ERA in 150 2/3 IP. That glass is half full with yawns.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 26th homer. Since last All-Star Break, 46 homers for Eugenio. Barry Bonds has zero.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. More like Lourdes Gurriel Hr.

Logan Webb – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Without googling, I’m gonna say he leads the majors with Quality Starts. Wow, I just googled it, and I think he does, tied with Wheeler.

Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.62. Wacha failed us, but, more importantly, he failed me. Oh well, I still like him so I’ll let him fail me again.

Randy Arozarena – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer. The Rice Bowl arroz from the dead!

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Imagine if his butt was bigger, he’d have 100’s of homers by now.

George Kirby – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.85. An excellent first step, but don’t get too sure of him being all the way back. This was vs. the Royals, a team that is exactly inverse in runs scoring as they are in colonizing.

Tyler Mahle – Diagnosed with a rotator cuff strain and won’t return before the trade deadline. He hurt it dodging the Regression Fairies.

Marcus Semien – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. He’s started hitting better of late, but he was hitting 3rd yesterday. In related news, Bochy’s head is huge because it’s inflated with helium.

Adolis Garcia – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (8), hitting .225. The sad fall of one of the game’s greats (of three years), who is having a year similar to Grounder Henderson.

Zach Eflin – Hit the IL with “if we made up an injury for you to be IL’d for, it would be more effort than you’ve put in all year.”

Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .277. Was trying to savor Grounder’s 1oth homer, but then I was reminded to how awful Adolis has been and he hit his 10th last night, and Ramon Lauerano (4-for-6, 3 runs, 1 RBI) was hitting .287, which is better than Grounder and I got bummed again.

Colton Cowser – 1-for-6 and his 7th homer, hitting .229. That’s in 26 games. Ya know, a 40+ homer pace.

Trevor Rogers – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.05. Streamonator hates his next one, but, as I said in my last Trevor Rogers fantasy, he’s become addable/startable/otherables.

Shea Langeliers – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, as he was activated from the IL. Would be hanging from the Langeliers any chance I could get if I had a worse catcher.

Colby Thomas – 0-for-1 as he was called up from the minors. He’s been ripping the minors up: 17/7/.297 in 310 ABs, but it’s in Vegas where the ball bings and/or bongs even more than in Bing Bong Stadium in Sacramento. Not entirely sure why he was called up, since there’s no place for him to play, which makes me think the A’s might just send him back down. Doesn’t really make sense to start him only vs. lefties, but put “doesn’t make sense for a team to do something” in one hand and “I don’t know” in another hand and you have literally nothing in either hand. How do you put “I don’t know” in a hand? Are you hearing yourself?

Jacob Lopez – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.88. I can’t wait for the 2nd half of the season when the A’s and Rays stop playing in these goofy stadiums. It’s nice for their hitters, but you can’t trust any pitchers in them. Streamonator likes Lopez’s next, but [shrugs] it’s in Bing Bong.

Junior Caminero – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. To the tune of Martika’s Toy Soldiers, “Step by step, heart to heart, left, right, we all fall down, like toy cars, Junior Caminero…”

Drew Rasmussen – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.78. Welp, is it time to shut down Rasmussen? He has thrown more innings this year than any other year except for one, and that was two or three elbow surgeries ago.

Shane McClanahan – Threw a full-intensity bullpen session, which means he threw the ball, yelled into his glove, scratched himself and spit very hard. If you’re holding out hope for Shane for this year, you should make other plans.

Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Reminds me of what I said for Strider yesterday. Is Scherzer operating with his best stuff? Not close, but he’s getting by because he knows how to pitch.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Someone’s getting hotter than the roach clip they cashed and stashed in their road uni.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer in  four games, fourth homer in five games. Yankees built a 1960’s music biopic, a guy who looks stoned (Cody), Jazz and a powerful Judge who is not cool at all.

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Much like when I couldn’t afford my lease payment, that was a Carloss.

Austin Wells – Dealing with circulation issue in one of his fingers on his left hand. He went to a doctor and ruled out blood clots. He also went to a Jamaican and ruled out bumbaclots.