Yesterday, Carlos Gomez was designated for assignment.  Outfielders in the tier of guys in the preseason I told you not to draft:  Pence, Kemp, Gomez, Schwarber, Hanley, Corey Dickerson, Ellsbury, Brantley, Adam Jones and Carlos Gonzalez.  I’ll take a 7-for-10.  You believed still in the preseason about Carlos Gomez, didn’t you?  *touches finger to nose but not for a sobriety test*  I’m more surprised by the people shocked by Gomez’s fall from grace.  *makes crazy, rolly finger motion by ear*  Anyone who saw him in his prime knew he was gonna find a steep cliff.  Even when he broke out, the underlying stats told you something had to change or he wasn’t going to have continued success.  *sticks finger in nose, smiles*  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Giancarlo Stanton – Sat out yesterday due to his hips.  What’s funny is sometimes, when we’re alone, I call him Gianshakira, because his hips don’t lie.  On a side note, since I own Giancarlo in a CBS league that costs $150 per person, I wish I would’ve known to set my daily CBS fantasy on Sunday for the week.  Nice 404 error page, CBS fantasy.

David Phelps – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Grey pregaming, “Yo, Phelps is gonna be Poppa Large big shout on the east coast as a true what?  A true fuschnick.  With Phelps getting a can’t stop until I get enough, too hot, hot damn-type line.”  After the start was over, “I guess he’s okay to stream, but he needs to go more than five innings.”

Wei-Yin Chen – Played catch from 60 feet and reported no issue.  It’s all about those last six inches — that’s what she’s never said!

Jeff Samardzija – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.23.  Always a coin flip what you’re going to get from this schmohawk.  Yesterday, the coin came up headszija.  Could’ve easily been tailszija.

Brandon Crawford – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .277.  He’s hitting near-.400 in the last week, but a 7-for-8 on Monday will do that to you.  A 7-for-8 game on other days of the week would do it too.

Bryce Harper – Sat out again with a stiff neck.  About the only thing Harper’s made stiff this year with his play.  Now the Nationals are saying he hasn’t shown improvement and a DL stint is possible.  It’s also possible you’re not the greatest player in the game if you’re only great every other year.

Jayson Werth – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .253.  That was his 2nd homer in two days. “Five.”  “Alex, what is the number of games Werth would need to home run in a row before I picked him up?”  “Yes, we also would’ve accepted, ‘How many fingers you have on your right hand?'”

Trea Turner – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .286.  The other day a reporter asked Turner where he got his speed from and he said, “My grandpa has a wooden leg and he’ll tell you I got my speed from him.”  Does Turner think it’s the 1800s and we’re gonna believe fables?  Because we’re not a gullible people.  Now, excuse me, while I go lie in a tanning bed for Vitamin D, read up on blue waffle disease and shave my eyelashes to avoid eyelash lice.

Josh Tomlin – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.18.  Ouch, that stands out as especially excruciating too because I started him in my Scout league, where I’m holding onto first barely, and, for some reason that is beyond me, the league ends at the end of August.  “It avoids the frustration of guys getting shut down in September; that frustration everyone knows from H2H leagues.”  “Um, okay, but this is a roto league.”  “Right.  Good luck!”

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .305.  Lindor’s stats aren’t completely analogous with this comparison, but he reminds me of Lorenzo Cain last year.  Number three hitter on a top offensive team is just good to own.

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and his 14th steal, hitting .309, hitting near-.475 in the last week as one of the hottest schmotatoes in the land.  Also, has two homers and three steals in the last eleven games.  Also, I was crazy about Ramirez last year, which somehow equates in my pea brain that I should like Delino DeShields again next year.  Someone save me!

Nate Eovaldi – Left yesterday’s game with elbow discomfort.  He said it hurts right by his tattoo that reads, “Throws 97 MPH, Results May Vary.”

Didi Gregorius – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer.  Wanna feel old?  Notorious B.I.G. died 19 years ago.  From the time he died until now is the same time from The Beatles invasion to me in high school.  Holy crap, I’m old.

Gary Sanchez – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer.  The ball didn’t look to be going out at first, then Yankee fans prayed into their gift baskets they got from Jeter and it sailed out.

Steven Wright – Won’t start on Thursday due to a jammed shoulder.  Steven Wright said, “I much prefer to jam peaches.”

Drew Pomeranz – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA on Sawx is 5.26.  Better.  Still not butter.  More like margarine that is overpriced and therefore not at all economical.

Ross Detwiler – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Seriously, Billy Beane takes pillow stuffing, puts a flannel shirt around it and he’s got a 5th starter-slash-scarecrow.

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.42 vs. Felix Hernandez 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.39.  Also, in this game, Robinson Cano (2-for-4) hit his 25th homer, and Nelson Cruz (3-for-4) hit his 28th.  At least I think it was this game, but the Mariners might’ve also just put a projection screen up on the field and showed the 2011 All-Star Game.

Blake Snell – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER, but three more unearned for the heart-stopping box scare.  He goes home for his next start vs. the Padres and a little “Friar, may I?”

Jose Bautista – Hit the DL.  Originally hurt his knee when he caught his spike on the turf.  In unrelated Spike news, when is Degrassi Junior High reuniting on Netflix?  I can’t handle this!  Candle!

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .248.  On our Player Rater, he’s ranked just outside the top 200 overall, by fellow schmohawk, Sano, and Addison Reed.  *tries to contain laughter*  Tulo’s been about as valuable as Addison Reed.  Nice.

Melvin Upton – 1-for-3 and three steals (21, 22, 23).  With Bautista sidelined, the BJs may dole out some more BJ.

Devon Travis – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI.  What are you waiting for to pick him up?  Someone to climb your building with suction cups wearing a Travis jersey?  Cause it’s not happening (probably, but this year, you can never be certain).

J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.96.  In his last top 100 pitchers, JB apologized for not ranking Happ high enough.  I don’t share the same enthusiasm.  He’s 33 years old with a 7.8 K/9, 2.7 BB/9 and 3.99 xFIP.  Those are fine numbers.  Not bad.  Drastically different than, say, Keuchel?  Not really.  Obviously the ERA results have been, but Happ could easily put up a 4.50 ERA month and it wouldn’t shock me.

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.19.  He held the Pirates hitless through five innings.  I feel like every time I look up Edwin is no hitting the Pirates.  Note to self:  Look up more.

Travis Jankowski – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 25th steal, hitting near-.450 in the last week.  I think you people — yeah, you people! — don’t realize how many steals Jankowski is getting in such a small period of time.  He has 185 ABs.  That’s a 75 steal pace.  Make you say Jankowski!

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.67.  Some of you oldies may remember Vogelsong’s 2011 season when he threw 179 2/3 IP and had a 2.71 ERA.  I don’t think it’s deja Vogelsong, but he could piece together a solid couple of weeks.

Francisco Cervelli – Left the game with wrist discomfort.  Oh, man, Cervelli is totally the ‘merely a flesh wound’ guy, isn’t he?  It’s like once a week with Cervelli and an injury.  Call him, “It’s Merely A Concussion” Cervelli.

Jonathan Lucroy – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer.  Damn, big time mea culpa on this guy.  Didn’t think he had it in him.  Great news is we can sit back and watch people overdraft him next year.  Like in 2015 when someone in my Tout league drafted him in the 2nd round.  Hashtag never forget.

Ricky Nolasco – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 5.14.  Damn!  King Kong and Hector Santiago got nothing on Nolasco!

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.90.  Would’ve been a good year to only draft variations on the name Hammel.

Addison Russell – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .243.  Russell is like a slugger who specializes in 1-for-4’s with solo homers, only he’s a 17-homer hitter.

Rich Hill – Says he won’t pitch this Friday due to his blister.  A blister that will now have knocked him out for over a month.  Think this calls for bringing out one of our oldest glossary terms, Hill is pulling a Kotchman.

Justin Turner – Got the day off yesterday after starting 27 straight games.  Wow, 27 straight games.  Cal Ripken once hit Gregg Zaun with a pillowcase filled with turds for 27 straight days like it was nothing!

Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.44.  This start came against the Phils.  Let me give you a taste of the new math with an equation:  A non-exceptional start vs. the Phils + Kazmir = Jeff Buckley treading into water in boots.  Hmm, math is slightly off there, but I’d have a hard time holding onto Kazmir in most mixed leagues.

Kenley Jansen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Freddy Galvis – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd day in a row with a homer.  God of Schmotatoes stands in a dank police office.  Schmotatoes are marched in, one as disheveled as the next.  The God of Schmotatoes points to Galvis.  And that’s the story of how Freddy got fingered.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.65.  Sonavabench!  I knew I should’ve started this schmohawk but the Stream-o-nator was like, “No, don’t do it, Grey, but please call me at 3 AM because I’m lonely.”  Stupid, lonely robot!

Freddie Freeman – 3-for-3 and his 20th and 21st homer and 47th and 48th RBIs.  I might need a small miracle and a large slump for him to avoid getting to 60 RBIs.  Don’t put it past me to pray for that shizz either.  See, I sweat the small stuff!

Chris Carter – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .217.  JB said Carter is a total BILF.

Anthony DeSclafani – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.11.  Someone didn’t understand why The DeScla Man wasn’t a great start yesterday.  Guys and five girl readers, an away start in Busch isn’t great.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer.  Damn, Votto, you let Eugenio catch you again!

Matt Carpenter – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer.  Carpenter really nailed that one!

Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer.  The Superfluous H hasn’t been himself this year — between injuries and feeling exasperated with Starbucks’ baristas misspelling Jhonny — but he could get hot for the final six weeks if he’s healthy.

Jaime Garcia – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.93. Yesterday, he got into the ninth inning only throwing 85 pitches.  The start before — 8 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks — the next start.  Dot dot dot.  Well, I don’t trust him at all, so I dropped him.

Jose Quintana – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.85 vs. Ian Kennedy – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.91.  Quintana and Kennedy are tied together in the history books, as well.  Kennedy almost went to war with Cuba.  In Cuba, there’s Guantanamo Bay, which with my mispronunciation, I call Quintana, and he’s put hitters on lockdown all year.  See?  Don’t mess with Quintmo!

David Peralta – Will undergo season-ending wrist surgery.  Backdate that to April.

Yasmany Tomas – Didn’t start yesterday due to a stiff neck.  He believes he got a Viagra stuck in his throat.

Robbie Ray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks in Metco.  Now that’s where the Robbie hits the road!  Stream-o-Nator‘s got a “Doinggggg” for Ray in every start, so I was hesitant to start him here, but if you cry wolf enough times, eventually Randy Wolf shows up at your door with a restraining order.

Jake Barrett – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his 4th blown save to go with his 4 saves.  Robbie Ray deserved better, but, you know what else, I DESERVED BETTER!  Nothing like finally getting your chance to be a closer and ruining it.  If he were to close two months of games, maybe he’d be the closer to start next year, then in three years time (yeah, I’m skipping ahead), Barrett gets a $35 million contract.  But no!  Barrett looks like he should be in the minors.  Diamondbacks have little to play for, so they should continue to run him out there, but Enrique Burgos could get a look.  (Like the D-Backs even get save chances.)

Jean Segura – 3-for-5, 2 runs and two steals (21, 22), hitting .311.  I hope he gets to 35 steals.  Not because I own him, but so I can justify my undying love for him next year.  Then, of course, he’ll fail.  I love owning players in their down years and not in their up years.  Stupid Saberhagenmetrics.

T.J. Rivera – 1-for-5 as he was called up, and played 3rd.  Rivera was crushing the ball in the PCL, but the PCL is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon, so if you take that away, he’s a 27-year-old utility man, which sounds like Harrison Ford before American Graffiti.

Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, EAR at 3.35.  I streamed Colon yesterday, and I didn’t even need prunes.  I gotta say, it was a good day.

Jose Reyes – Will begin a rehab assignment at Low-A Brooklyn.  At the Brooklyn stadium, they serve microbrew with grapefruit notes, free range chicken sausages that were farmed in the Adirondacks, every umpire is required to be knowledgable of the best coffeehouses in the area and everyone’s walk-up music is a Decemberists’ song.

 
  1. J-FOH says:
    (link)

    Remember when the D-Backs made the dumbest trade ever followed by the biggest over pay ever and we’re picked to win the west….you ‘member.

    • Pepperidge Farm says:
      (link)

      We remember.

    • Zeus says:
      (link)

      @J-FOH: remember when you couldn’t get Grey’s splooge out of your gross beard?

      • Kid A says:
        (link)

        @Zeus: #thunderbolt

      • FrankGrimes says:
        (link)

        @Zeus:
        Hey now.

        • J-FOH says:
          (link)

          @Grey: Kid Zeus!

          • Grey

            Grey says:
            (link)

            You can’t even be mad at it…Zeus’s grabbing thunderbolts out of the snap sky

            • The Hack says:
              (link)

              @Grey: the jelly kids flatter me

              • Grey

                Grey says:
                (link)

                Reading that sentence real fast made me think you said something else

              • Ralph Lifshitz

                Ralph Lifshitz says:
                (link)

                @The Hack: Hehehe gross beard….splooge

                • Grey

                  Grey says:
                  (link)

                  Jack Full of being Had

                  • Zeus says:
                    (link)

                    @Grey: Jack full of beard splooge

                    • Grey

                      Grey says:
                      (link)

                      Damn!

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @J-FOH: Who is the ‘we’re’ in we’re picked to win the west?

      • Kid A says:
        (link)

        @Grey:

        He fell of the starch wagon and done gone got the crazies.

        • Grey

          Grey says:
          (link)

          Helps him walk upright though

      • J-FOH says:
        (link)

        @Grey: auto correct

        • Grey

          Grey says:
          (link)

          Oh! I’m dumb, gotcha

          • J-FOH says:
            (link)

            @Grey: I’m drawing the fans out this morning

            • Grey

              Grey says:
              (link)

              It’s like they were watching and waiting in the ten foot high Nam grass for weeks, waiting for the moment to pounce

  2. Wild Thing says:
    (link)

    404 error! Hahaha. That was terrible. Sportsline…

  3. PomPom says:
    (link)

    Great write up as usual. Is Pomeranz a Streamer in a 12 man point league or do I continue to give him a roster spot?

    • Phil of the Future says:
      (link)

      @PomPom: Streamer. He looks tired.

  4. I got $100 for groceries, $1400 for liquor and $6000 for you to bail a couple of shit puppets out of jail says:
    (link)

    12 team h2h league with OBP over AVG, hits and total bases added.
    C leon
    1B rizzo
    2B segura
    SS villar
    3B frazier
    OF (3) kepler/mookie/turner
    util (2) ortiz/hanram
    BN upton/duvall/mini donkey (streamer added during COL stint)
    upton bad enough by now to drop for which of these (for the first time ever i don’t have anyproblems with steals, i mean, i think i’ve lost them ONCE all year, but as bad as duvall’s been lately, along with mookie/ortiz injuries has me worried for the short term, plus upton): adonis, orlando, rosario, morneau, altherr, pagan?

  5. Steve says:
    (link)

    Is there a name for streamers that SON hates that overpeform? Edwin Jackson and Gallardo’s peripherals are awful but they turned in great starts yesterday.

    • Grey

      Grey says:
      (link)

      @Steve: Nope, but we should have one

      • Lincecuminmypants says:
        (link)

        @Grey: River Phoenix?

        • Grey

          Grey says:
          (link)

          University of Phoenix?

          • Lincecuminmypants says:
            (link)

            @Grey: A streamer that becomes something larger and rises above expectations = River Phoenix! That or Trump University.

            • Grey

              Grey says:
              (link)

              But he didn’t rise above expectations, he died prematurely

              • Lincecuminmypants says:
                (link)

                @Grey: I guess I was more focused on the words in the name rather than the relation to the actor himself. Did Spot Start McNoHit ever get an Academy Award nomination?

                • Grey

                  Grey says:
                  (link)

                  HA! Hilarious

  6. Mrs.Featherbottom says:
    (link)

    Ouch on the Jeff Buckley blurb! Also, curious if this is only a Mrs. Featherbottom problem, but when ever I access Razzball on my Mac, my laptop immediately begins overheating and running super fast, with occasional lags. It’s beginning to make visiting this site problematic (at least on this computer).

    • Eric says:
      (link)

      @Mrs.Featherbottom: constantly have trouble visiting the site on anything but mobile. I don’t even bother anymore, because it’s not worth it. Everything lags and eventually Chrome crashes – literally every time.

      • Chester says:
        (link)

        @Eric: I have a lot of shockwave crashing when I visit on my PC.

        • Cram It says:
          (link)

          @Chester: I get the same thing

          • Kid A says:
            (link)

            @Cram It:

            For a solid filter with good browser security and way to block JavaScript, Java, Flash, Silverlight, and other “active” content by default:

            1. Google “noscript plugin”
            2. Download/Install for firefox

            Can be a bit tedious figuring out what to enable when landing on ad-heavy sites – but you’ll get the hang of it.

            ONE CAVEAT – it won’t help with filtering out the daily post-vomit of Ante Galic or Malicious P.

            • Malicious Phenoms says:
              (link)

              @Kid A: Ah, Kid, I didn’t know you cared! LMAO!

              • Kid A says:
                (link)

                @Malicious Phenoms: Every day is like a Choose Your Own Adventure of stupid with you.

                • J-FOH says:
                  (link)

                  @Kid A: strangely I miss this…sometimes

                • Malicious Phenoms says:
                  (link)

                  @Kid A: You must only come on here when I have an off day..Not all minds think alike..

      • Mrs.Featherbottom says:
        (link)

        @Eric: So it isn’t just me! I thought for a while that my mac was slowly dying.

      • Grey

        Grey says:
        (link)

        @Eric: That sucks, I’ll look into it

    • JeF WiTh 1 F says:
      (link)

      @Mrs.Featherbottom: I have problems with it crashing on FireFox and Chrome…Lags too