Wacha Has Minnesota Saying Oh You Bitcha

What is a Wacha? Philosophically. I know what he was on Sunday: Michael Wacha went 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.34. I mean, what is a Wacha for fantasy? A reliable older starter in a playoff race? Would you agree with that? Good. Okay, that’s the starter you want for the next few weeks. Royals are goofy with Wachas. I’d say Seth Lugo, Brady Singer and Wacha are all Wachas. Ragans and Marsh are borderline Wachas, even. They’re set up nicely, but that’s for real baseball. For fantasy, you need to set yourself up as well. Everywhere I look, starters are getting pulled out of games quicker than ever. Wachas don’t get hooked early. Starters everywhere are suddenly “pushed back” for no reason. Wachas don’t get pushed back. They take the ball every fifth day. Wachas keep their team in the game and in turn yours. Whether it’s Michael Wacha or a generic Wacha, get yourselves some Wachas! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lucas Erceg – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.67, and two saves this weekend. Suddenly, he’s the closer again. Royals’ manager was voted the ugliest MLB manager, but you can only fall out of one tree and the Stupid Tree is nowhere near the Ugly Tree, so what gives?

Bailey Ober – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.77. This was in 83 pitches. Then they went to Duran who promptly blew the game in the 8th. A masterclass of managing.

Teoscar Hernandez – Was seen in an ankle boot this weekend. Dodgers were worried he fractured his ankle, but he just had past-due parking tickets.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4 and his 46th homer, hitting .291. He’s gonna go 50/50 and next year he’ll also give 20 starts of a top 20 starter, and people will be arguing against Ohtani going one overall.

Jack Flaherty – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Speaking it into existence: Want Flaherty as my 1st starter in every league next year.

Gavin Williams – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.25. Prior to the start, “Nice start from Boyd on Friday, so how bad could Gavin Williams be?” After, “My bunghole is inflamed.”

Jo Adell – Hit the IL with a strained oblique. Ron Washington said, “Do you wanna see helicopters?” Then twirled his finger.

Charles Leblanc – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit third. Feel like there should be a diehard fan of each team on a team’s staff for one specific reason. Before each game, the manager has to put the lineup card in front of the fan. If the fan can’t recognize a name, he can’t hit third.

Marcus Semien – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and ha slam (19) and legs (6), hitting .238. Me saying to get rid of a guy, then that player homering = Your lock of the week.

Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .263. One more homer to reach the number of letters in his name. If he doesn’t reach it, he must go back to Nate.

Clarke Schmidt – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.34 as he was activated for his 1st start since May. I checked. It had been a while. Didn’t see him lined up yet in the Streamonator, but imagine it will be on 9/12, and I could see trying him.

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.36 vs. Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Kinda wild I can’t see any measurable difference between these two starters for this year.

DJ Herz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.82. The more I see starters with one or no hits allowed being pulled in under 90 pitches (Ober and Jake Junis too on Saturday), the more I see them as pitchers who happen to be starting a game vs. as starters.

Aroldis Chapman – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.00 and his 5th blown save. Sorry, it was my half birthday and I wished Aroldis’s owners knew what it was like having Shit-The-Bednar. My bad.

Henry Davis – Hit the IL. If he doesn’t get his shizz together, he’s gonna be soon Henry D. Avis customer service rep.

Billy Cook – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs as he was called up and played 1st. Looks like he’ll struggle to make contact and has power and speed. Can you say Quad-A? If not, may I suggest sounding it out?

Joey Bart – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, as he returned from the IL this weekend, and hitting third. I cannot tell a lie, I said wearing a George Washington wig, I put in FAAB bids for Bart this weekend.

Jared Jones – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Now two straight starts worth rostering, but I’ve stopped trusting him, but clearly there’s worse starters, and Streamonator loves his next one.

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .237, and third homer this week. Hot McSchmotato alert!

CJ Abrams – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .238. Don’t know if this is a fact, but feels like it: This was his first hit since the All-Star Break.

Trevor Story – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. This could be great news for Ceddanne Rafaela, who should get 2B eligibility now. Hopefully, it helps Triston Casas too, because The Injury Bug will have Story to preoccupy its time.

Richard Fitts – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, as he was called up to take on the White Sox. Dick Fitts ‘n the White Sox was the working title for the movie, American Pie.

Connor Wong – 3-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .286. Wong catching yesterday was the natural Dick Fitts.

Bobby Dalbec – Designated for assignment. Dude is gonna be a Triple Crown winner in the KBO in ’25.

Garrett Crochet – 2 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.83. Holding onto him for two months past his effectiveness says a lot more about you than him.

Jeffrey Springs – Hit the IL with elbow fatigue. Oh, just that nugget. [wanders into traffic wearing nothing but a potato sack]

Jonny DeLuca – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and was a schmotato last week, and now batting third. With a .214 average? Well, hitting leadoff is Morel, who is hitting .198, and Aranda is hitting .203 and 2nd. ACKSUALLY, looking at the Rays’ lineup, I’m not sure how their team is collectively hitting .231. Definitely not their Sunday lineup, that beat Corbin Burnes (6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.18), who I’m sure is totally fine with nothing to worry about.

Zack Littell – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.89, in 81 pitches. A reoccurring theme this weekend is all starters are stretched thin and the MLB season should be roughly 14 games shorter. If you’re just starting your H2H playoffs, expect no more than five innings from everyone. Find yourself a Wacha.

Edwin Uceta – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.75, and his 2nd save. Don’t even care the role, but give me Uceta in all leagues next year.

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Joking about cheating aside, Astros are great coaching up their pitchers, and why we should trust their starters, in general. I know it’s hard after what Spencer Zoodles did.

Justin Verlander – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.30. “Sure, Grey, Astros’ pitching is unbeatable. Geez, what an idiot!” Verlander is beyond coaching; he’s beyond 40 years old!

Pavin Smith – 3-for-4, 8 RBIs and his 5th, 6th and 7th homer. Pavin Smith said to Verlander, “Kate Upton is yours, and you are now mine.” Joni Mitchell said, “They Pavin Smith and put up a parking lot.” Mark Whiten said, “It ain’t four, bee-yatch!” I said, “WTF?” For the .04% of Pavin Smith fantasy owners, I salute you, and burn you at the stake for being a witch.

Eugenio Suarez – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .250. Unlike Pavin Smith’s goofy 3-homer night that won’t help you going forward, Eugenio has been the third best 2nd half hitter after Judge and Ohtani.

Victor Vodnik – Activated from the IL, but Tyler Kinley (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.98) got Rockies’ save yesterday. I’m hesitant to say anyone should get saves here, because that kinda of info can cause a chain reaction of disastrous results to your fantasy team. Like a butterfly in Indonesia flaps its wings and you lose your H2H matchup.

Sam Hilliard – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Hope you held him after my 2021 sleeper! [dodges tomato]

Freddy Peralta – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.81. I’m being charitable when I say FreddyKBB is the least predictable pitcher I’ve ever seen. Charitable, you giant schmohawk!

Whit Merrifield – Fractured his foot after fouling a ball off his foot. Braves are hoping he can return in about a week. Braves added, “We are so desperate,” then cackled like a madman for 20 minutes.

Spencer Schwellenbach – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.78. “Yup, he’s good to go!” That’s Snitker after wrapping Spencer’s elbow in bubble wrap.

Chris Sale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.38. They should let the Comatose Braves Fan present the NL Cy Young. “We wanted you to present the NL Cy since you’re the biggest Braves fan.” “Awesome! I don’t even have to open the envelope…Spencer Strider–Hey, why did you cut my microphone?”

Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer. It says more about Kelenic than I ever could that the Braves have lost basically a full team’s worth of hitters and they’re still platooning Kelenic.

Spencer Horwitz – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, after going deep twice on Saturday. Of course, then he was benched on Sunday and came in as a pinch-hitter and homered again. Please let this be the last three weeks of Schneider’s managing.

Chad Green – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.85. Felt like a moral victory that he only blew the game and gave up one run. Confudgelations, Green!

Luis Castillo – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.64, as he left the game with a hamstring strain. It looked like he would need an IL stint, and we all know the best doctors don’t have a medical degree and are just watching a replay.

Randy Arozarena – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .221. Sadly, the move with The Rice Bowl was to sell him five months ago.

Joe Musgrove – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.54. My billfold is full of ‘I told you so’s, but I can fit maybe one more if I throw away this real money.

Jackson Merrill – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 23rd homer. Padres don’t have a clearcut slot for Merrill higher in the order, but it is kinda crazy he only has 17 ABs all year above the six hole.

Jerar Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Also, in this game, Luis Matos (1-for-4, 5th homer), who hadn’t had a hit in two months (literally). Jerar only feels that way.

Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (23) and legs (15). Excuse the French (for their smell?), but how the eff in Effsville does he have 15 steals?!

Curt Casali – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Psycho killer!  Curt Casali! Hit it fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, fa, far better run run run run run run away!

Spencer Bivens – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.77. Bivens isn’t very good, i.e., yo slick, blow!

Hunter Greene – Could return on September 20th or 21st. For a guy with elbow soreness, this is great news. Wasn’t sure if he’d be able to mess up his arm further this year for no reason since the Reds are out of the playoff chase.

Jose Quintana –  6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Way too lazy to figure this out, but it feels like Quintana has been great vs. sub-.500 teams at home (i.e., easy matchups) and not good in hard matchups (i.e., easy games to avoid). Streamonator hates his next one and I agree. Same in every conceivable way for the Mets’ Sunday starter, Luis Severino (6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.74).

Jeff McNeil – Hit the IL with a fractured wrist, and will miss the rest of the year. Replacing him is…OMG! Sorry, that’s not excitement, that’s how Jose Iglesias wishes to be referred.

Edmundo Sosa – Hit the IL with back spasms. Kinda funny the Phils are now giving Kody Clemens almost 100% of at-bats. He runs like a Kody and hits like a Clemens.

Connor Norby – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, three homers in two games, hitting .286. Keep hitting like this and you’re gonna get a one-name moniker, Connorby.

Edward Cabrera – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.88. If you pick him up, your friends are gonna be able to smell your desperation from clear across the room.

Calvin Faucher – Hit the IL with a shoulder impingement. Taking over for the Marlins’ closer will be [whoever is within sight of the bullpen coach in the 9th inning after he gets off the phone with the manager]. It could go one of two ways, unless the bullpen coach is cross-eyed. I’d guess Anthony Bender, John McMillon or Jesus Tinoco. If it’s McMillon’s job, then I know how this ends because I saw the HBO doc.