The election for the Sons of Sam Horn government would be an ever-evolving oligarchy. David Ortiz (1-for-3) would be the honorary Papi emeritus, Dustin Pedroia would be the Secretary of Sparky Anklebiters, Alejandro De Aza (2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs) would be a stunt double in case of an assassination attempt, Pablo Sandoval (2-for-4, 2 runs) would be the ambassador to the International House of Pancakes, Wade Miley (6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.88) would be in charge of the Armed Farces and the election for president would be a popularity contest between Brock Holt (4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .309, as he hit for the cycle) and Mookie Betts (3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI) after Jackie Bradley Jr. was told to take a walk. For a half season last year, Holt hit .327 with three homers and six steals. So, he’s done this over an extended period of time before, and yesterday was the first day the Red Sox really have looked themselves all year, so I highly doubt Holt will fall much lower than the two hole in the lineup any time soon. If he’s available in your league, I’d definitely grab him. Brock Holt! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dustin Pedroia – His knees checked out okay after undergoing a full evaluation. This is how I picture Pedroia being examined on a doctor’s table.
Hanley Ramirez – Sat out yesterday with a sore back. The irony is that it happened while he was reclining in a Lazy Boy.
Julio Teheran – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 5.07 or it might be down to 5.07. When it’s that high, I have no idea. I also don’t know why you’re still holding him. Something’s wrong. Perhaps this is Teheran’s payback for Shock & Awe. Rudy talked about Teheran’s problems in the preseason on pitchers to avoid. The Iron Sheik would even say Teheran’s ptooey.
Juan Uribe – 3-for-4, 1 run. Three days in a row now I’ve said Uribe’s a hot schmotato. You waiting until he’s no longer hitting to pick him up?
Carlos Gomez – MRI showed no damage on his hip, but he’s likely to miss a few games. Brewers manager Craig Counsel, who looks like Yelich’s younger brother, said, “The goal, I guess, is to get Carlos at 100 percent.” If he’s guessing at that, Counsel sounds like he needs counsel.
Matt Dominguez – Brewers claimed him off of waivers. For the next month, he will follow Aramis around as his understudy in the lead role in Rent (This Player).”
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Oh, you best believe I am cyclopsing him.
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, but limped off the field after making a great catch, because I can’t have anything nice. He was just getting hot, Fantasy Gods, please!
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Moistasskiss!
Chris Young – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.98. The Royals are definitely getting their money’s worth for investing in a convertible team bus.
Ender Inciarte – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. The Diamondbacks called up Danny Dorn (2-for-4), instead of O’Brien and his fabulous hurricanes. I’d like to kiss Dorn on the mouth with poisonous lips!
Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.59. Is it too late to buy him low? Aw, give it a shot, won’t you? I’m so encouraging. Like your dad, in reverse.
David Freese – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Wanna feel depressed? Good, me too. On our Player Rater, Freese has been more valuable than other 3B like Bogaerts, Santana, Headley, Beltre, Zimmerman and Sandoval. I’m now going to pop my head in the oven.
Nathan Eovaldi – 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 5.12. Eovaldi more like Oyveydi.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Not expected back this month. I do appreciate that he only has one of these updates per month. Makes my life easier.
Derek Dietrich – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .444. Well, brucely, all Marlins got hits yesterday, but Dietrich has two solid games in a row and was inserted in the top of the order yesterday. Hot schmotato with maybe more coming.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer. I told the TV if he hits a homer and immediately drops the bat, that means he loves me. Well, I don’t want to brag or anything, but we’re gonna have babies.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 3 runs. He’s raised his average eighteen points in the last six games. Yup.
David Phelps – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.96. If you throw out a start in Coors, where you wouldn’t have started Phelps anyway, his ERA on the year is 2.88. Fo’serious.
Adam Jones – Orioles scored 19 runs and Jones sat out with a sore shoulder. Holy sit!
Manny Machado – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (12, 13) as the Orioles hit 8 homers yesterday. The Orioles got to Jerome Williams (2/3 IP, 6 ER) early and often yesterday because Jerome Williams. You know how most Jeromes go by Jerry? Williams goes by Grody. ‘Nuff said. As for Machado, well, Grody Williams was replaced by Dustin McGowan (3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 5 HRs allowed), i.e., Dusty McGrody!
Jimmy Paredes – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Well, yeah, Dusty McGrody, but Paredes is such a peculiar riddle inside a fortune cookie that reads, “Person with scratchy rear wakes with smelly finger.” Paredes really hasn’t shown much power in the minors, but not having Paredes on any of my teams makes me look at Paredes like Ed from The Naked Gun.
David Lough – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Have I mentioned the Grody Bros?
Chris Parmelee – 4-for-6, 3 runs and his 1st and 2nd homers. Not much here with Parmelee, unless you like delicious cheese!
Chris Tillman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Phils at home. Um, yeah. I’d start anyone vs. the Phils while they are on the road.
Maikel Franco – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Oh, man, just when I thought we were about to get back Prospect Mike from his haze of inappropriate daydreams.
Chi Chi Gonzalez – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.90 vs. Brett Anderson 8 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.43. This goes for a lot of pitchers. Just because guys are pitching well, according to their ERA, it doesn’t mean I’d own them. You don’t need to own everyone, ya know? Any the hoo! I mention this now because I wouldn’t own either of these guys outside of deep leagues.
Robinson Chirinos – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. Uh-oh, Chirinos!
Alex Colome – 2 IP, 6 ER. Yesterday, guys and five girl readers, was not a day to stream.
Doug Fister – Cover your holes, Fister’s returning on Thursday!
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Could be his last or second to last start in the rotation, unless he can avoid being spotted in the clubhouse. Tanner, hide!
Bryce Harper – 3-for-3 and his 22nd homer, hitting .346. If you didn’t have at least two homers on your fantasy team yesterday, I’m sorry.
Clint Robinson – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He’s the Nationals strong side of their 1st base platoon, but he’s less Clint Eastwood and more Clint Howard.
Danny Espinosa – 5-for-5, 3 runs. Wanna know how strange yesterday was for offense? Espinosa hit five singles. He had five singles all month prior.
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and two homers (6, 7). Honestly, yesterday was such an insane day for homers that I almost feel like you have to throw the entire day out and not count it towards players getting hot, because everyone can’t be hot. Two homers in one game does go a long way towards a hot schmotato, so Ramos could finally be coming out of his season-long dreck.
Hunter Pence – Will need to wear a wrist splint for five to seven days. The seriousness of the injury hit The Gangly Manbird when he couldn’t swing a bat or flap himself three feet off the ground to change a light bulb. Shizz just got real!
Matt Duffy – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Duffy and Joe Panik (1-for-3) have a little home run hitting contest of their own going on. They both hit their fifth in the same game, then, a few days later, Panik went for six. Few days after that, Duffy said, “Your voice will seize, so please, stay off my back. Or I will attack and you don’t want that. I got the power.” Ball’s back in your court, Panik.
Tim Lincecum – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.31. The Freak on fleek.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Total streamer, and Stream-o-Nator says James Astroburger Happ is a start next time out and I agree.
Brad Miller – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .237. Better at MI: Miller or Desmond? Ouch with that answer, right? I mean, ouch. I’m partially to blame for you owning Desmond, but I also told you to sell him about a month ago, so you need to be more proactive like Cameron Diaz’s face.
Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Something I mention from time to time when it’s relevant is what percentage a pitcher’s baserunners are walks. Bauer’s is important because his control is just flaky. His walk rate is actually worse this year than last when he had a 4.18 ERA. In short, he could get tented and bombed out at any moment.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .224. He reminds me of Jay Bruce in that every preseason there’s talk of him hitting for a better average, and every year we get Tony Gwynn’s dyslexic son, Ynot Swing.
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. When I said the other day, he reminds me of Elvis Andrus or Alcides Escobar, there was one thing I didn’t mention. Elvis and Escobar could steal 45 bases. They’re just not doing it. Doesn’t mean Lindor won’t.
Devon Travis – Begins rehab assignment and could return this weekend. Member when he was a thing? Yeah, me neither! Kidding, yeah, I’d grab him now if someone dropped him while he was injured.
Matt Harvey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.32. Matt, Schmatt, where’s Matz?!
Bobby Parnell – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER and the save. This proves that Parnell is the setup man for Jeurys and that Terry Collins took Joe Torre’s adult education winter course of Middle Reliever Management: You Wanna Count Innings Or World Championship Rings?
Juan Lagares – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 5th steal, hitting near-.350 in the last week with two homers in the last ten games and a hit in nine of ten games and one steal. And that’s how you count to Juan.
Andrew Cashner – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.45, ERA on the year in Petco is 4.12. This year the value of Cash starting in Petco has depreciated as much as cash.
Melvin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd steal as he leadoff with Venable benched. Ugh, this screams of a move that’s just trying to ‘shake things up.’ Hopefully, since the Padres still lost, new Padres manager, Pat Murphy, will stop trying goofy “Hey look, guys, I’m not Bud Black” moves.
Austin Hedges – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .107. He’s just the backup catcher, or as he should be known, Benches & Hedges.
Matt Kemp – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .246. It feels like only yesterday he was promising people a 50/50 season while showing up around LA with Rihanna on his arm. Now, he’s on pace for an 8-homer season and he was last seen with a girl in a visor that read, Cluck U.
Ben Zobrist – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and a hit in six of his last seven games. My dislike of Zobrist has been made clear, but he is hitting and hot schmotato’ing and even I’d pick him up while he’s seeing the ball well.
Victor Martinez – Could be activated this weekend. That puts his next DL stint at about July 7th.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. 25 homers and a .230 average. That’s what you’re hoping for.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4 and two solo homers, his 19th and 20th. I liked Frazier a lot going into last year, but, even I have to say, Frazier is going well above and beyond anything I foresaw coming.
Anthony Gose – 2-for-4, 1 run. No steals yesterday, but he did start stealing this week, and I would grab him if I was longing for the Gose that laid the golden SAGNOF!
Starling Marte – 2-for-5, 1 run and two steals (12, 13). Damn, is he having the best season of all-time? Okay, small exaggeration, but I’m loving me some Marte this year! Give me, give me, Marte! Give me, give me, Marte! I’m shaking my tush while I say that. You’re welcome for the visual.
Sean Rodriguez – 2-for-3 and a slam (3) and legs (2). He gets starts all over the field, and yesterday was at first. Sean-Rod is like bringing a Swiss Army knife to a gunfight and pulling out a corkscrew.
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA 1.62. Basically, the only pitcher to do well yesterday. Morton’s lack of Ks does so nothing for me that I wouldn’t pick him up, but if you’re hurting for ratios, obviously he’s in the zone like eyebrows on Cara Delevingne.
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. I sound like a broken record at this point…I sound like a broken record at this point…I sound– Sorry, but when Coors gets hot this summer, I want every Rockies hitter.
Vincent Velasquez – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. So much to like…So much not to like. Seven Ks — Wee! Making the Rockies hitters in an away game look like they’re in Coors — Bleh! He almost got through five innings — Wee-Bey in prison! Stream-o-Nator never likes rookie starters, and actually liked this start because it just loves everything about the Rockies on the road, and it doesn’t like Velasquez’s next start. You need to weigh your options, but I could see moving on in some leagues.
Hank Conger – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .222. So, my love for Conger this preseason remains as much a mystery as anyone’s love for congee, but it’s not like he’s been worse than Jason Castro. When I started that sentence, I was expecting to get to the end, justifying my love for Conger, but ‘no worse than Jason Castro’ doesn’t exactly walk the dog.
Domingo Santana – 1-for-3 and his 1st steal as he replaces Rasmus, who’s on the bereavement list. Seems a little early in the week for Domingo. High five, my Latino friends! High five, esse, I wasn’t making a gang sign! I grabbed Domingo in one league, because he’ll be in Coors for two days. It’s just that simple.
Luis Valbuena – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and two homers, 15th and 16th, and has three homers in three games, and goes to Coors today and what are you waiting for?! Grab him!
Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.33. With this game in St. Louis, thankfully Gibson didn’t try to pull a Rachel Dolezal. Because of Bob Gibson! Not because of the 99.99% white fan base! C’mon!
Kevin Siegrist – Got another save yesterday as Trevor Rosenthal continues to have a ‘knot in his biceps.’ Cardinals have said Rosenthal won’t need the DL, and if I had a nickel for every time I heard that and the pitcher then went to the DL, I’d have like a buck-sixty and could buy myself a house in Detroit. I’m absolutely stashing Siegrist in every league.
Michael Wacha – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.48. The Regression Fairies are obviously afraid of going into Busch.
Lance Lynn – Played catch yesterday. He did it with his estranged uncle while Sister Sledge’s We Are Family played from a boombox held by Pete Kozma. It was a poignant moment.
Cardinals – Allegedly, the Cards hacked the Astros for proprietary statistics, scouting reports and photos of Altuve with Bridget the Midget.
