Let’s see, if Tyler O’Neill is Kelly Leak, then Coach Walter Matheny is curmudgeonly happy. “Lean into the pitch, Whomever is the Cards catcher while Molina and Kelly are out!” If in this reboot T. O’Neill is playing Kelly, who’s playing the girl’s role on the Cards? Hmm, only one it could be is Tommy Herr. Come out of retirement! By the by, this movie? Doesn’t hold up at all. Don’t ever watch it again. Remember what you can and move on. Any hoo! Tyler O’Neill (2-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .368) hit yet another homer — his third in three games — and he’s capable of hitting 30 homers. Not over the whole year, like if we’re backtracking, I mean from today forward. Not sure if the Cards play him, sometimes Walter Matheny appears drunk, but I would grab O’Neill for power. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Martinez – Played long toss. That’s nice. Did he go for ice cream after?
Alex Reyes – Will return to the rotation next week. He should be owned in 100% of leagues. He could easily be a top 30 starter the rest of the way, and maybe more.
Matt Carpenter – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Carpenter nailed it! He’s hitting .210 on the year, but over .400 in the last week, for a little schmotato action.
Miles Mikolas – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.24. I’m not saying I was the only one in the preseason saying to draft him, but was I? Because when I drafted him in leagues around 275 overall it felt that way. By the way, Mikolas is comfortably above Ohtani on the Player Rater.
Roberto Osuna – Leave was extended until May 28th. I’ve said this before, but it’s worth repeating, because I don’t know if I just said it in my head or on the site. Blogorheadwhatisitis is the clinical term for it. MLB should just suspend Osuna for three months. By prolonging his suspension, they have to keep reporting he’s on leave for another week, which just keeps the matter fresh in people’s minds. Suspend him, wipe your hands on a dish towel and be done with it.
Khris Davis – Headed to the DL with a strained groin. Khris said he can’t phiss straight.
Zach Britton – Will begin rehab on May 30th, which would put him on track to return around mid-June. I hope he can hit cleanup.
Adam Jones – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .268. As he rounded the bases, he made the universal sign to “call me” while mouthing the words “waiving my trade clause.”
Manny Machado – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer, hitting .343. He mouthed, “Adam can fit in my suitcase if you throw in a middle reliever.”
Adrian Beltre – Still weeks away from returning. You in the preseason, “I don’t know with this Moncada guy. Beltre has been rock solid for 27 years. I’m taking him to go with my Miggy Cabrera.” You now, “Well, poop.”
Rougned Odor – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .174. Golly! I had forgotten he was on my team. Odor’s like, “Yo, I can limbo under last year!”
Max Muncy – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, as he bats 2nd. Conspiracy Theory Alert! Muncy told Dave Roberts that Puig slept with his daughter, which is why Muncy has garnered favor and Puig didn’t even start yesterday.
Greg Bird – Won’t return this week. Shouldn’t even have a blurb. Should not even be talking about him. He’s garbage, brah and five sistahs.
Masahiro Tanaka – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.95. Remember that stone Indiana Jones had to move, but to move it and not trigger a booby trap Indy had to put a bag of sand down to offset the missing weight? Okay, Michael Pineda was the stone and Tanaka was the bag of sand. *mind blown*
Gleyber Torres – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and two homers (5, 6), hitting .321, as he continues to bat ninth. A monkey could manage a major league team better than some current managers. In fact, the Jays have been using a Gibbons for years!
Jose Berrios – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Yup, gave up on him too soon in April. He’s righted the ship like he’s Jack Dawson in his dreams!
Nicholas Castellanos – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .316. The Greek God of Hard Contact uses lightning as a cotton swab! (By the way, the people who say Castellanos isn’t Greek are the same people who call you on the phone — the horror! — and say, “Hey, I think you forgot to invite me to your party.”)
Jerad Eickhoff – Felt a twinge in his fingers and had a setback. Now we just need VV to get hurt to get my guy Enyel De Los Santos into the rotation. Sorry, The Secret says you have to put it out there.
Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.23. There’s literally 25 comments a day that go like this, “Grey, handsome lipped man, do you take [scrub] or Pivetta?” I’ve been saying Pivetta since literally the 2nd week of the season.
Nick Williams – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Also, in this game, Aaron Altherr (1-for-1, hitting .202) hit his 5th homer. For one brief day towards the end of May, a light shined on those random sleepers you were excited about 85 days ago who you dropped 80 days ago.
Hector Neris – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Gabe Kapler is the worst changer upper of closers ever.
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.72. The most not accurate that feels accurate statement: I’ve started Pivetta and Foltynewicz for almost two months, and they always face each other.
Freddy Peralta – Optioned to the minors. I briefly mention Peralta on the podcast that’s coming later today, in a mostly derisive manner. My Schadenfreddy is working overtime.
Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.86, as he was activated from the DL. Starters who don’t strikeout a lot and give up a few runs while only going around six innings are the epitome of pitchers I don’t usually mention in my roundups. Chase Anderson is the best example of that.
Travis Shaw – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .246. Didn’t realize how close he was to the precipice of being droppable in shallower leagues. He’s a cold streak away from being Matt Davidson and a hot streak away from being Christian Villanueva.
Domingo Santana – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer and his 2nd in the week. He hit .197 last April, and didn’t hit his first home run of May until the 24th. Cust kayin’.
Corey Knebel – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save, ERA at 4.70. Just as you drew it up when you drafted him in the top 75.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer in his 3rd game back from the DL. Is he already out-slugging Goldy?
Jason Vargas – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 9.87. Sonavabench! Don’t ask why I own him; it’s a deep league. I should’ve trusted the Stream-o-Nator, but, this year, yowzers he’s thrown some howlers (almost rhyme!)
Elieser Hernandez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.08. Why can’t he change his first name to something easy to remember like Meredith Baxter Birney. He’s a soft-tossing command guy on the Marlins, not buying. Sorry, Meredith.
Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer on the first pitch he saw, an absolute rocket to left, wait, now I’m describing my erection watching it. Since Juan Soto sounds to me like “Want soda?” Whenever I hear Juan Soto, I scream, “Dr. Pepper me!”
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .231. MLB has a serious problem. I was in a Whole Foods the other day, and this guy looked just like Bryce and I said to him, “Start hitting some homers, Bryce Harper!” And he said, “Who’s Bryce Harper?” That saddened me. Then again, maybe he was some Birkenstock Seitan.
Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 3rd and 4th homers in six games. The Nats have a remarkable ability to start anyone at 1st base and get production. It started last year with Adam Lind, and continued this year with Adams and now Reynolds. Can the Nats please trade for Goldschmidt?
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Gio’s like, “Yo, Fangraphs Database take your xFIP and shove it in the Regression Fairies’ bum.”
Freddy Galvis – 0-for-3, hitting .234, and has started every game this year, after doing the same last year with the Phils. Galvis made a strange deal with the devil a few years back. “Here’s my soul, now start me in every single game even if I’m not good.”