Hope everyone’s well rested and had a joyous Michael Bay Day. If you couldn’t be American yesterday, I hope at least you got drunk and ate a bunch of hot dogs. As they say in Mississippi, Amurica, “Spelling’s for sissies!” In honor of Amurica’s half birthday, I hope you put a hot dog in your fly and went up to a female reporter, then let Roger Clemens watch you have sex with his wife. Amurica would’ve wanted it that way! Trevor Cahill did his part of keeping Amurica as true as the red, white and blue underwear you wash once a year and shut down those Rays, who we know want to have Devil in their name. Cast out their demons, Trevamurica! Yesterday, Cahill went 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25. He’s never gonna give you a fire emoji of 98 MPH or even throw his fastball more than 45% of time. He is throwing his slider twice as much as last year, cutting his curve’s usage, and after about 11 years in the league, it looks like its paying dividends. His ground ball rate is over 60% and his walk rate is down to 1.8 with a 8.4 K/9. What, you a rich man’s Dallas Keuchel? I will call you, Dynasty’s Carrington. I could see owning him in almost all mixed leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.29. Lance Broetc. just gave you his Chris Archer fantasy. It was written while I thought, “Is Lance’s picture of him, Edge from the WWE or Jayson Werth?”
Jose Alvarado – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER as he entered in the 7th inning. After Colome was traded, some speculated Alvarado would close. The 7th inning is not exactly the stereotypical inning for a closer, unless because the Rays are starting their starters in the 2nd inning, and middle relievers in the 1st, then maybe the 7th inning is their 9th inning and the 8th and 9th are extras. Or the Rays are gonna Rays and use their long man, Matt Andriese, to close games. This is far from a clear SAGNOF-and-done. Alvarado is still the best bet, but Hell-If-I-Know is also an acceptable answer.
Russell Martin – 0-for-3, hitting .161, as he made his first career start in left field. <slow building rant> Of course, they’re doing this because Vlad Jr. is about to be called up and needs a place to play. How does a major league team with a prospect talent like Vlad Jr. get to the end of May before realizing they need to figure out how to get him into the lineup? This crossed no one’s mind for the first two months of the season? At no point in the preseason? Maybe going into the winter meetings in December? Possibly last year? Russell Martin and Donaldson just suddenly got old or a little ol’ fantasy baseball ‘pert with the most glorious mustache could’ve told them to clear space for Vlad this past preseason? It’s fascinating how slow a team can be to react. Vlad Jr. was ticketed for the majors June of this year for the last 18 months, you’d think the Jays would’ve made room. Of course, you need room for Vlad! He’s the future of your franchise! Not Russell John Coltrane Martin! Not even Josh Donaldson who can’t even stay on the field! </ slow building rant>
Aaron Sanchez – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.77. Yo, can Vlad Jr. pitch too?
Andrew Benintendi – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .292. Maybe it wasn’t Mookie this whole time, maybe it was the magic that is the Sawx leadoff slot. C’mon, put Jackie Bradley Jr. at leadoff, just to try out my theory.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Just Dong, because there’s no other way.
Greg Bird – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .273. He’s done nothing in about two years, but he plays for the Yankees and he homers on a day when most people have off and could be watching him. This will only perpetuate his legend, Bird, man, or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance.
J.D. Davis – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run. He’s struggling to find playing time, but you can CWM.
Justin Verlander – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.11. Someone asked yesterday if I’d start Verlander. All respect to those who try to break their neck keeping their starters in check, but you’re not starting Verlander somewhere? If MLB’s trying to get Elon Musk to watch more games so they’re hosting their first game on the moon, I’m starting Verlander there.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (6) and double legs (5, 6), hitting .310. I’m as guilty of this as anyone this preseason, but if you watch Yelich homer, he will never hit a lot of homers. Even in the forgiving park like Miller, he hits line drive wall-scrapers.
Ryan Braun – 3-for-3, 3 runs and his 6th steal, hitting .245. I will say this about The Hebrewer, he can’t stay on the field, due to his back, but somehow he continues to steal bases.
Luke Weaver – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.63. Luke, you are my waiver wire fodder.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, 3rd homer in the last week, hitting near-.350 in that time and now batting leadoff. Don’t underestimate the Cardinals’ magic — little bit pixie dust, little bit cockeyed smile from Willie McGee.
Ronald Acuna – Hit the DL with a mild ACL sprain. You didn’t form a prayer tilde soon enough. Thanks. For nothing!
Tyler Flowers – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games, and I could see grabbing him. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1….
Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-9, 2 runs and his 5th homer. You can find Nimmo (do you see what I’m doing here?!) in the video at the top of the post.
Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in as many games, and yours truly grabbed him in my RCL. I’m not too concerned, I have the looks to offset his.
Daniel Murphy – Dave Martinez said Murphy could return “fairly soon.” Fairly? What kind of red-blooded, All-American man says the word fairly?! You go hunting with that mouth?! Sorry, reacted as I thought Murphy might.
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and 2nd time I’m saying in two days that Rendon is so overdue for a huge month or two. Hold onto your hat! If you do indeed wear a hat, I don’t because my hair is fabulous.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.10. The Fangraphs Database shakes its fist at the sky, “Deny your xFIP at your own peril, Gio! Deny, deny–,” coughs furiously, then, “Sorry, was eating local, artisanal honey for my allergies. Anyway…Deny!”
Caleb Smith – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.51. I have as much faith in Cale B as I do in Cardi B having a 20-year career, but the Stream-o-Nator liked yesterday’s start for Smith, and I started him.
Cameron Maybin – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 2nd steal, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Anyone who has been playing fantasy baseball for an Urban Dictionary minute, which is actually a long time, can tell you Maybin will get hot for two to three weeks until he gets hurt. Hot schmotato alert!
Leonys Martin – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .250. Hasn’t done a ton since he returned from injury, but maybe this is the start of a schmotato run, ya gotz 2 believe, as I text my youngest cousin.
Tyler Skaggs – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.60. Such a blehtitty-bleh-bleh start, and I was tempted to say he’s an Anaheim Streamroller, and move on, but his peripherals are better than that, though peripherals may only help you in a Benjamin Netanyahu fantasy league.
Marco Gonzales – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Speaking of peripherals and Benjamin Netanyahu (Netanyahuh?), Marco’s got all of those nice secondary numbers. However, he’s the kind of guy you can get excited about if you never watch him. “On paper, he’s good. How’s he on the mound?!” I said the preceding while chewing tobacco and spitting like I was a scout.
Nick Ahmed – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, as he out-slugs Paul Goldschmidt (2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .208). Cougs, could you come here with an Asian fan? I feel like I’m about to faint. *collapses* How long was I passed out? 15 seconds? What brought me out of it? You waved Giancarlo’s bobble head in front of me? Thank you, doll face. Not you, Cougs! I’m talking to my bobblehead!
John Ryan Murphy – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. I don’t know who you have at catcher, but the Irish Car Bomber is likely outhitting him. He’s definitely outhitting Goldy.
Chris Owings – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .183. I have an idea for a festivity the day before the All Star Game. One lucky fan tries to strike out Goldschmidt and Bryce Harper, and they win a house if they do. Too easy?
Eugenio Suarez – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .293. Eugenio or Goldy? I mean, what the eff in the eff hole happened to Goldschmidt?!
Trevor Story – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Anyone who doesn’t know why I, or anyone, like Rockies hitters, take a look at Story’s home run yesterday in the 1st. The classic oops, one-arm-mistake, the killer from The Fugitive could’ve hit that home run.
Gorkys Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .321 as he hits leadoff. Gorkys sounds like the perfect combo of an 80’s raunchy comedy and slasher film.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Why am I hearing Kanye’s Big Brother in my head, but I’m hearing, “My big brother was a big brother, and I look like Sandoval’s big brother.”
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .271. We’re all bored by Soler by now, right? No? Well, you go boy.
Shane Bieber – Will be called up by the Indians for a spot start on Thursday. Here’s what Prospector Ralph said, “A classic polished college arm, the Indians plucked Bieber out of UC Santa Barbara in the 4th round last year, and he impressed in his first full season, jumping three levels of the minors, while maintaining a sub-3 ERA. His plus control and command play up his average three pitch mix, generating more swing and miss than you think, he had a 13% SwStr% in AA, as well as generating a fair amount of ground balls. With a prototypical pitcher’s build Bieber’s combination of plus command and elite pitching acumen, gives him a real possibility of a mid-rotation ceiling. Speaking of which, I’d love to slam Grey’s head through a ceiling.” Aw, geez! Bieber’s profile to me looks like Daniel Mengden with maybe a few more Ks. I’m a Belieber, but he doesn’t have a rotation spot yet.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .228. As bad Edwin’s been, you know who’s been worse? Yes! Goldy! Okay, will let it go now, like Goldy let everything go.
Tim Anderson – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .242. Hey, I never said the average would be outstanding. He was and is a cheap 20/25 play.
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Mike Montgomery – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Started him every week as a middle reliever in one deep league, and this week I decided to bench him. Sonavabench! Any hoo! Darvish will presumably knock Montgomery from the rotation, so even if he gets another start there won’t be many after, unless another injury appears.
Ivan Nova – Hit the DL and the Pirates called up Nick Kingham to replace Nova and start today. Yo, Psy, it’s Kingham style! Nickham’s numbers in his three starts with the Pirates have been gorge, and I’d grab him in most leagues if I needed pitching, and, really, who doesn’t?
Felipe Vazquez – Says he won’t need the DL and should be available today. Sounds like Felipe knows the severity of a forearm injury for a pitcher about as well as he knows his last name. “Is there a Rivero party of three here?” Felipe stands a foot away, staring at The Cheesecake Factory’s hostess. “Rivero, for three? Anyone?” Then a man approaches, “I’ll take your reservation if you don’t want it.” That man is Keynan Middleton who was the last closer who thought he could return in a few days from forearm tightness. As for the Pirates’ closerousel shituation, if Vazquez can’t go, Richard Rodriguez got the 9th inning yesterday. Too bad the Pirates were down by five runs, and he still gave up two runs. The replacements now are Edgar Santana and Michael Feliz or as they should be known happy-Poe-lucky.