Toglia Shire Tells Rockies They Can’t Lose

Beaten and bruised, the Rockies entered Washington. They just saw their best friend, the great Apollo Creed, die because Bud Black didn’t throw the towel fast enough. Instead, he threw a lineup card with their best hitter in the 9-hole and their 2nd best hitter on the bench, but that’s another story. The odds, as Tucupita Marcano would’ve said, were stacked against the Rockies. Then a miracle happened. The Rockies won a game in resounding fashion. It wasn’t just for the Rockies though, it was for the world, bringing together America and, well, Colorado, where everyone is high and a ski instructor. Never the hoo! Michael Toglia (3-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 7th and 8th homer) led the charge, and you might remember he was a preseason sleeper of mine [tomato whizzes past head] I deserved that! I still worry about his Ks, but I worried about his Ks even before the season, so he’s worth a flyer to see what he can do. Maybe he’s a 2nd half hitter; he didn’t get going until July last year. Also, Ryan McMahon (2-for-4) hit his 11th homer, 2nd homer in three games, third homer in a week, and this McMahon’s looking a whole lot more like WWE (Waiver Wire Entertainment) than I thought a few days ago. Next up on this carousel they call the bases in WashTown, Mickey Moniak (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) with a slam (9) and legs (3) and 2nd in two games and third in a week. I’m gonna have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack. Then Thairo Estrada (1-for-2) hit his 1st homer, and was later replaced in the lineup by Orlando Arcia, which is such a hilarious replacement. “Wait, we need to platoon you out for the worst hitter in the majors!” Okay, next up, Hunter Goodman (1-for-5, 3 RBIs) who hit his 14th homer, and he hits a homer every game. Four ladies, we love our Goodman, don’t we? Finally, Sam Hilliard (1-for-3) hit his 2nd homer, and now I think it’s 2012. Please tell me Bud Black’s still gone. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Luis Garcia Jr. – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Check out Lu-Ga-Ju, not to be confused with Lou-Gu-Ju, though I’m sure no one would ever have that confusion!

Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer. I almost wrote his name as Bathaniel, and now I wanna name my bath that.

Michael Soroka – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.06. Streamonator liked this start, and, honestly, the Rockies feasting on pitcher brain custard wasn’t his fault.

Tylor Megill – Hit the IL with an elbow sprain. Two days ago, people were speculating that Megill might have to go to the pen with Sean Manaea and Frankie Montas returning. It’s just so blatant. It’s as comical as, “We need a roster spot. Oh, okay, who do you want to hit the IL? Megill could use some rest? Okay, IL him.” If you made this up, people would say you’re crazy. Mets were even tut-tut’d last year for phantom injuries, and it didn’t matter.

David Peterson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Just sung praises about him after his last start, and I ain’t unsung’ing him. Hmm, unsung means something else. I am not retracting my sungs!

Juan Soto – 2-for-3 and his 14th homer, hitting .252. It’s not Judge-like, Judgian, Judge-esque, I Am Judge, Me Judge, You Not, but Sexy Dr. Pepper has picked up his season in June.

Spencer Schwellenbach – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Schwell enough.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, 1 RBI as he hit third in San Fran. In a pregame conference, Devers said he’ll play wherever the Giants want him. Honestly, I respect spite. Spite, when used correctly, could fuel more houses than PSE&G. Vengeance is the third strongest desire, barely lagging lust and hunger. If you’re horny, hungry and vengeful, you’re basically Superman.

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.68. He lost the game, but word is he won the Tight Pants Contest.

Slade Cecconi – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.15. His stats look outstanding. Like Robbie Ray’s pants could be out standing by themselves. Cecconi’s got 10.1 K/9 (hello!), 3.3 BB/9 (not bad!) and 3.88 xFIP with penchant for homers allowed, and penchant is such a funny word. Cecconi looks solid, but it is a small sample, so he can fall back to earth at any moment. Worth a monocle in shallower mixed leagues, and Streamonator everywhere.

Jurickson Profar – Will begin rehab games on Tuesday, as his suspension ends on July 2nd. Anyone else think it’s unfair that a guy can be suspended for 80 games but play in rehab games two weeks early?

Andy Pages – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer. He’s two RBIs away from the top ten in the majors. He’s been better than Teoscar, and Teoscar has not been bad!

Will Smith – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He’s also managed the Dodgers’ pitching staff to only the 22nd best in the majors. Not bad for a team with one starter!

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .281. Cake Batter should be a superstar, but he’s way more meh than that. Just a bit of a shrug.

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.75 vs. Brandon Pfaadt – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.38. This matchup was billed as, “Pfaadt/Bassitt, aw, your puppy has diabetes, but is so cute.”

Bo Bichette – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .270. Let’s see, he homered off Shelby Miller, my closer, and his 9th homer moves him in front of Gunnar Henderson. Kill me now.

Addison Barger – 2-for-5, 2 runs and hi 8th homer, hitting .264. Barger > Burger. A before U, baby! As the alphabet wanted it!

Shelby Miller – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.17. Ugh, his leash is so short, I’m not sure there’s a leash. They already don’t want him as the closer. This is not going to help matters. Luckily, there’s no one else really there jumping out.

Christian Walker – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Astros had a game that is best described by your laserdisc, The Day of the Zombino. Mauricio Dubon (3-for-3, 3 runs) hit his 2nd homer. Who? Yeah, exactly! Cooper Hummel (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer. More who than even Dubon’s who. And…

Cam Smith – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. It is hard for a rookie to appear to be a Zombino, but Cam Smith pulled it off. He’s been so bad, and this is no exaggeration, I forgot if I still rostered him in any leagues. I do, and that’s more of an insult to that fantasy team than a compliment to Cam Smith. I don’t think I’m ever drafting a rookie again. Jordan Walker then Cam Smith ruined me. I’m so upset–hold up, Justin Crawford is doing what in the minors?!

Jason Alexander – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 10.50. Also, yesterday Kremer got the win for the O’s. It’s the Summer of George! In related news, Andy Benes had a great night at pickleball and he was playing Kevin Newman.

Colton Cowser – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Looking at the O’s lineup, just had the weirdest thought: What if Gunnar Henderson retired in March and Adam Frazier is wearing his uniform?

Zack Littell – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.88. I don’t remember every starter’s peripherals. I open another window and check on them. All of them, even guys I don’t list. Like I looked at Dean Kremer, but he’s not even worth mentioning. Any hoo! I look at Littell every time and every time I’m floored by how bad his Ks are. Not Sugano bad, but just a *pinkie to mouth* Littell off.

Matthew Liberatore – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Right, but it was vs. the Shite Sox, so I’m not running into a 1990’s Peruvian court yelling Liberatore!

Alec Burleson – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Says here he has six homers, but it sure feels like this was his first game of the year.

Victor Scott II – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I see a homer from him and all I can think, “I wish it was a single and three steals.”

Shane Smith – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.85. Regression Fairies, do you mind? I was trying to enjoy my dinner!

Salvador Perez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, hitting .240. Sal P. putting some cheese on it!

Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .282. We discuss him on this week’s podcast, and I said BUY!

Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Wild how people still ask if they should start Lugo. He has a 3.36 ERA. For his career!

Jack Leiter – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.40. I’ve decided Rangers can’t develop hitters or pitchers.

Ben Brown – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.57. Sing-songy voice because I’ve said it so many times, “He should be much better.” Possibly the biggest Buy Low for pitchers.

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Seiya ball!

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-2 and his 19th homer. He’s cooled off a bit of late. Ooh, you poor babies! He’s not a 60-homer hitter! You poor dear! OOh, so sad for you! You only got a top 20 player with your 140th pick overall. Ooh, shucks!

Andrew Abbott – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.84. But four more unearned runs. Holy ticker shock! Ya know how a guy can keep his ERA below two? By only allowing unearned runs. Sneaky, but good for us!

Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. One of the few bright spots on one of my teams. Prolly goes without saying, it’s not a good year for that team!

David Festa – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.78. It’s like if you had a Festa for your quinceañera and no one showed up because you’re not a 15-year-old Latina. Also, it’s not the two earned. That I can deal with. It’s the pulling guys at 81 pitches. Baldelli is the worst! I hate him very much.

Bryan Woo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Wait, the Red Sox didn’t get better by losing their top hitter? That’s weird. What you’re telling me is very weird.

Cal Raleigh – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and a slam (27) and legs (8). The steal technically occurred when he leaned right and his butt cheek touched the next base, so he was awarded it.

Walker Buehler – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.95. Oddly enough, if he were still on the Dodgers, he’d be their #3 starter.

Bailey Falter – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Hey, it was fun, but if regression is coming, and, if you have Falter on your team, I can fault ya for keeping him.

Casey Mize – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.96. His ERA is under 3. I’m talking to the people unsure if they should roster him. Is your team ERA over 3? Is under 3 better or worse than over 3?

Javier Baez – 3-for-4 and his 8th and 9th homer. Seemed to disappear a bit in June, like he was Ward Cleaver. Hey now!

Wenceel Perez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Was in last Friday’s Buy column. Might be in this Friday’s Buy column. That’s a hot schmotato, boys and four girls.

Riley Greene – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. On the Player Rater, he’s nearly top 40. That’s not top 40 outfielders, that’s overall value. Around Juan Soto.

Will Warren – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.83. His ERA is a little skewed because of a start in LA where he gave up 7 ER to the Dodgers, where you absolutely should’ve benched him. His stuff is so nasty, though. Ya know who’s he’s impersonating? What we got from Luis Gil last year. Wild and nasty. I love it!

Eric Wagaman – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Wagaman’s has some of the best potato salad. But an aisle for worthwhile corner men? I didn’t say that.

Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer. Don’t usually talk about pinch-hit homers, but we have to talk about Jesus. Amen.

Trea Turner – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Who let the dogs out? Treat Urner is asking because he wants to hang with his friends.

Jesus Luzardo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.20. 10 baserunners vs. the Marlins? Wow, great. Just in time to get him back in my lineup. Wonder if Luzardo has a revenge pushpin board with strings all attached to the center target, which is me.

Nick Castellanos – Was unhappy about being removed early on Monday and made a comment to Rob Thomson, so he didn’t play yesterday as punishment. Castellanos was also sent to bed early and Rob Thomson then, when he tucked him in, said, “Today wasn’t a good day. We had words, and I said some things I wasn’t happy about and you said some things that maybe you weren’t happy about, right?” Castellanos made a pouty face and said, “No!”